The Epic Adventures of VIRTUE BOY
AN: I don't own anyone from Twilight, I just use them to amuse myself
Edward Cullen was many things. Dazzling, charming, gorgeous, but he had a secret. By night he was a vampire snuggling with his girlfriend, watching her passively and somewhat creepily while she slept, by day on the overcast days in Forks, he was a normal teenage boy, again hovering over said girlfriend passively.
But, there were the rare sunny days in Forks, those were the days his family and Bella could never find out about. He would never live it down if they did.
For he, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, was a super hero.
"Edward, I don't see why I can't come over today," Bella sighed exasperated over the phone. "It's a weekend."
"It's sunny, Bella." Edward said in a no nonsense tone.
"But--"
"You can come over later tonight, I'll send Alice over to play dress up with you"
He hung up before she could argue with the logic that if Alice could come over so could he. He had villainy to stop.
"Mike," Jessica moaned as they made out in his car on top of makeout point. "Mike haven't you ever unhooked a bra before?"
"S-Sorry Jess," Mike stuttered.
"STOP IN THE NAME OF AMERICAN SQUEMISHNESS" a voice yelled from outside the car.
Mike frowned and rolled down the window. There, was...was a man, sparkling. He had a topaz spandex suit with a giant V on it, a black mask to hide his identity and over his shoulder was a sack with condoms and purity rings.
"Who the hell are you?" Mike demanded
"I?" The mysterious stranger said with a dramatic pose, "AM VIRTUE BOY! I've been protecting the innocence of teens and adults alike since 1918, copyright pending. Now, I see my arch rival Professor Hormonal Urges has struck again, but fear not my simple minded friends, I have for you a secret weapon. Behold!" he took out a condom. "The Shield of latex, just slide this over your best friend and the urges will go away, thus defeating Professor Hormonal Urges once more!"
He tossed the condom to Mike before taking out a ring. "And for you little lady, the ring of pure thoughts and serenity, wear it and you shall be clean, Professor Hormonal Urges won't be able to get to you, for the ring...is magic."
"But.." Jessica began
"No No little lady, no need to thank me, that's why Virtue boy is here."
"But I'm already WET" Jessica whined.
"Be sure to bring a towel"
Virtue Boy, Mike and Jessica looked to the side as a blue towel with a joint walked up to them. "Towelie says whenever your wet be sure to bring a towel"
"Towelie, get out of here!" Virtue boy hissed, "this is my gig."
"Oh...alright then." Towelie turned to leave before turning back to them. "Wanna get high?"
"NO TOWELIE WE DON'T WANNA GET HIGH!" Virtue boy yelled.
"Oh, alright then." Then, Towelie vanished.
Virtue boy turned back to Mike and Jessica and tossed his cape over his shoulder. "Now I must flee, for wherever there is passion, Professor Hormonal Urges will be there. Fear not friends, for I will always be here to protect you. TO THE VIRTUE MOBILE AND AWAAAAAAY" Virtue boy yelled tossing his sack over his shoulder and skipping through the woods.
"Wow..." Mike breathed. "Who would of thought that Captain Hormonal Urges would be trying to get us to have sex.." he looked at the condom. "I wonder if this magic shield really works.
Jessica rolled her eyes
"Mike," she growled
"Ya Jess?" He asked still looking at the condom in wonder.
"Just...take me home." She sighed.
Edward stashed his costume and goodie back in the trunk of his 'special occasions car'. Nobody would ever thing to look there. After saving Mike and Jessica, he had given his magical goodies to the local pre-school, and the old folks home. Captain Hormonal Urges was once again vanquished until the next sunny day.
He wasn't surprised when he walked into the room to find Bella there, glaring at him. She was in a heavy robe. She was staying the night. Good. He supposed he should apologize for not coming to see her today, she looked angry. This required the big guns.
He pulled out his crooked smile and walked over to kiss her forehead. "I'm sorry I couldn't come today. I had pervious pla-"
"I know all about your plans virtue boy." Bella sneered. "While Alice dragged me kicking and screaming to the mall today, I stopped by the food court to get some food, the human has to eat you know. Anyway, Mike, Ben and Eric where there, talking about a super hero that SPARKLES called 'Virtue Boy', sent to protect us all from Professor Hormonal Urges."
Edward looked panicked. She knew, Bella knew...
"So to calm myself down, I had Alice take me into a few more shops, a few that she was rather surprised about actually."
Edward was confused until Bella undid her robe and let it drop to the floor. She was wearing a black transparent teddy. "Your magic shield and ring of pure thoughts and serenity won't be able to save you from Professor Hormonal Urges now," she purred advancing towards him.
And virtue boy was no more. The Evil Professor Hormonal Urges had won