The Struggle

by IHaveNoSoul13

What happens when Kristan, a twelve year old, fears she is becoming depressed, and has an addiction to taking depression quizzes? She seems to have most of the symptoms, if not all. How will her emotions pull her through this? 'I'm Joy, I'm supposed to always be happy… aren't I'

Year Eight. A fresh start to show those boys we weren't going to let them get us down! We'd control our anger and change for the better!
Or that's what our best friend's mother, Lucy, said.

Year Eight started badly and we distanced ourselves from the others (not that it was the first time – we'd done it in Year Seven) but soon got near to some of the boys in our tutor. We were being horrible to be honest and at the secondary console (please, you don't believe ONE console controls one person, do you?), Anger stood; muttering to himself and making Kristan feel abhorrence toward some of the people in our tutor. I don't know why we were acting like this but I certainly didn't like it. But I couldn't do anything – despite being at the console of what emotions showed I wasn't able to go to the secondary console. The secondary console controls what people feel within.

You see, prior Year Eight (perhaps at the end of Year Seven), we started getting feelings we didn't want. I mean, we'd had them before, back in primary, but they soon left after a few days, perhaps two weeks. Well, I guess they never truly left and recently they came back with a vengeance. Being older and smarter now, we decided to take some quizzes. We meant to take one, just to see.

We took a depression quiz from a site called 'depressedtest', answering the questions according to our feelings. Sadness stood at the primary console whilst Fear stood at the secondary console, me, Disgust and Anger standing away, dread building up as we answered the questions.
These were some of them:

· Do you have difficulty falling asleep at night? (We answered, 'Yes, occasionally' for this)

· Do you often feel life is not worth living? (We answered 'Yes')

· How would you rate your daily levels of stress and anxiety? (We answered 'High')

· Do you "put on a happy face" to hide feelings of sadness? ('Yes' again…)

· Have you lost interest in things that you used to enjoy? ('Yes' again, since we no longer have all the ideas for books like we used to, and we don't play Dynasty Warriors as much. They just seem boring…)

· You said you often feel that life is not worth living. Do you have suicidal thoughts? ('Yes'…)

Sadness left the primary console as the response popped up:

Major Depression: High
Dysthymia: Moderate
Bipolar Disorder: Moderate
Cyclothymia: High
Seasonal Affective Disorder: High-Moderate
Postpartum Depression: N/A

Fear took over but it was a subtle fear. Not scared but dreading.
That was only the beginning. Before we knew it, we were taking them by the dozen, NHS, for teenagers, comparison, you name it, we took a depression quiz like it. They all said the same thing; we had depression. We told our internet friend about it and she said it could be something to do with being a teenager. Even I, Joy, was confused. How'd we get here? We were pretty happy when we were younger.

"Probably because of our circumstances." Disgust would say.

Ever since we were around six, our Nan (Dad's mum) lived with us and she had dementia. We didn't understand until we were about nine, when Mum said she couldn't stand Nan anymore and we (Mum and us) moved into a new house – the fourth one. After two years, we moved back into the house (we were supposed to move back when Nan had left, but we were being kicked out by our landlady so we had to). Our old landlady's son is in our tutor and he would make fun of us, saying, "Can't wait for Thursday."

But that was the past. Now, things are worse.

Our addiction to depression quizzes aren't so bad, only doing them for moments when we wanted to check. However, we were still worried about our symptoms. Perhaps we were being paranoid (paranoia being yet another thing we were terrified of having) or we were subconsciously craving attention.
"Ugh, look how fat we are!" Disgust mutters, making Kristan look down at her body and scowl. "I mean, if we can't be pretty, we might as well be slim."
"But what if we become anorexic?" Fear asks, his eyes wide with fear (per usual). He wasn't at a console, so Kristan didn't think what he said. We all knew what she was thinking of making Kristan do.

"Who cares, we'll be slim. Heck, maybe Ashley will notice us for once!"

Ashley is one of our 'best friends'. Her mother's called Jade, her father Anthony, her older brother Adam and her older sister Emily. She's taller than us by a few inches, has dark brown hair (which is now tip-dyed with a blondish colour, like sand), dark brown eyes and fair skin, and is very girly, egocentric, loud and obnoxious. We've been friends since we were three, along with Sky (our best friend whose Mum I mentioned earlier), but we've discovered that she probably takes us for granted. She spends more time with Sky and the girls at school than she probably ever will with us, so we're usually with Ruby and Laura, two girls at our school who are pretty awesome. That's when I'm free and despite Sadness and Fear being hunched up at the third console (that's what we subconsciously feel), I'm able to laugh and help Kristan have a good time. But if one little thing happens, Sadness and Fear go to the secondary console and Anger takes control. He's subtle as well.
Anyway, I haven't told you the full story. So recently, we've been having thoughts and urges… about suicide and self-harming. We've planned it all out but can't control the thoughts. They scare us to be honest and we try to hide the fear; we clench our fists and grit our teeth or bite our lip. We need to be strong. If we cry or call out for help, the boys who bully us will use it against us. They can't use family life against us. Mum says that if they knew, they'd feel guilty, but we know they'd make fun of it and us. It's what they do.

So we bottle it all up inside and keep quiet. Each day, I try to make a plan of how I'd tell Mrs Stewart about it when we have an 'ab-dab' as she calls it, but Fear, Anger and Sadness take over, Fear being at the secondary console, Sadness at the primary console and Anger at the third, and instead we tell her the situation of what happened, not the truth and why it might have truly happened. She doesn't seem to know but I bet that she does. Everyone else seems to have the same thoughts, so Kristan thinks it as well.

It's scary, ya know, having this state of mind from when you wake up to when you sleep. I just wanted to keep Kristan safe and make sure she had fun whilst doing it… but now… I don't think I'm of much use to be honest. I'm just a primary emotion, lying to our friends and family. Sometimes I'm at the secondary, but that's rarely. Kristan rarely hides me. She usually shows me but as a lie. I want to be important again, but I know that Kristan may never.

I haven't told you about Kristan yet. She's beautiful (in my eyes anyway), with blonde hair (a mix between golden and honey blonde), light but dark brown eyes and fairish pale skin. She has a little acne, around below the left corner of bottom lip and nose (on and under), 2D brown spots (kinda like freckles) spaced out around arms, neck, face and legs and look like vampire bites (they look kinda cool, Disgust agrees with me) and eczema on upper arms near her shoulders. She wears black a lot (her T-shirts and shirts and trousers and socks and pants and bras and favourite hoodie and jacket are all black. White is second best, one of our favourite shirts being white. Blood red is the third best, but we don't have any clothes that are blood red. We like dark colours the most) and almost always wears a jacket or hoodie (excluding school). But Disgust is never content with her, wanting to be pretty (or according to the people who say we are pretty, 'prettier'). Usually Disgust makes her hate herself, but we have moments where Disgust thinks she is beautiful and Kristan agrees. But then realisation kicks in that we are ugly and no boy will love us. Because we are fat. So goddamn fat.

Anyway, that's not the point! I'm Joy, I'm supposed to always be happy… aren't I? Sometimes, I myself want to break down and cry like Sadness. I want to ask myself how in hell we got here, and how do we get out. But that's Sadness' job.

I… I'll tell you about the Personality Islands.

She has a few, some of them flickering, some brightly shining, some dimly shining, some black and white, some black and white with glimmers of light, some glimmering with light with hints of black and white… I could go on forever.

These, due to the name, are quite self-explanatory. These are the things that make Kristan… Kristan.

The one she's had for as long as we can remember is 'Writing'. It's shining but not brightly nor dimly. It's a blank paged book with a pen resting in the inside of the spine and book names floating around it. Right now, as she talks to her online friend, it's glowing slightly. She's lost interest in it a little, but still writes a lot. It's been her dream to be an author for years. When girls want to be a singer or pop star, she wants to be an author and journalist. It's one of the reasons people think we're weird. When it's in use, the pen picks itself up and starts writing on the paper. When it's not, the writing disappears and the pen drops to the original place.

She also likes reading, so of course there's a Personality Island for that (which is a book with the front cover facing the right end of headquarters, showing us its face and the spine)! There were several book names around it. When that one's in action, the book opens and flicks through the pages. That one glows kinda brightly, but it's rarely in use since… well… stuff.

Anyway, she also has a Personality Island of 'Gaming'. It's a PS3 controller with video games surrounding it; Minecraft, Dynasty Warriors, Burnout II and a few others. It's dimly glowing as she rarely plays it anymore, and grows bored after an hour, when she used to be able to play for ages. There's just nothing to do on it anymore. I mean, we do enjoy it, but if something happens, we lose interest. One time, we were playing Minecraft with Joshua (Sky's little brother who's nine), and our dogs (Lithium, Twizzle and an unnamed puppy) died (Josh hit us, Lithium chased him, the puppy attacked, Lithium killed the puppy, Lithium fell down a hole, we fell down afterwards, Josh accidentally teleported to us, he swam up, teleported us to him, tried to free Lithium from tree leaves, hit her in the process, she started to attack him, Twizzle attacked her, she died, to avenge our late dog, we killed Twizzle) and we got really sad, so we need to curl up and think. We unplugged the Xbox in the process, and got even worse.

Anyway, so 'Gaming' Island is dimly lit, but when in action, the PS3 controller lights up and all the video game boxes spin around.

Now this one is an example of one that's black and white with glimmers of light – 'Cat and Squid' Island. It's about two of her favourite YouTubers – Stampy and Squid. The two aim at younger kids, around Josh's age, but teenagers like them as well. But after a while, she lost interest, but the two were held close to her heart. She watches a couple of videos now and then, but life gets the better of her when she realises that really happiness is temporary.

Why does every joyful moment Kristan has get ruined by bad news, boys or something else? I just want Kristen to have fifteen minutes of a good time without being ruined by a word or an action. Why… Why…?

"WHY CAN'T I JUST BE IN CONTROL AGAIN?!" I yell to myself as I sit alone, being on Dream Duty. The dreams are kind of weird, but only some of them make Kristan laugh as she remembers them.

That is, if she sleeps.

Sometimes, Kristan can't sleep, or she'll wake up at three or four, usually four. It's horrible, knowing I can't do anything about it as there's no way she can feel joy when she's so tired, but can't sleep.

Anyway, going off track. So I was watching the dream, which was a bit of a weird nightmare, and… well… morning came. Slowly, everyone came out of their rooms, as sad as Kristan truly feels.

We try to tell Mum we aren't hungry, but after she practically makes us accept into eating a yoghurt, we realise we were hungry. Anger and Disgust worked on that one. It didn't make a Core Memory (what makes the Personality Islands).
Our hunger has depleted, and now we actually consider skipping a certain meal or food. We don't want anything sweet or chocolatey. Or fattening. It'll only make us fat again.

We're already too fat.

That's why Disgust makes Kristan hate herself. Pretty much everyone Kristan knows is beautiful and slim. We need to be like them.

It's a need, not a want. Don't you guys know anything?

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Today was awful. It's a Thursday, week 1 of school. Why must everyone act like we're dirt? We feel alone as Fear makes Kristan feel awkward at the secondary console. Usually she enjoys the game, but recently she hasn't really. Today, we were in a better mood (than usual), as we played Smash Bros in E7 against William and Michael. We actually enjoyed ourselves; I had about fifteen minutes on the console!

However, it was ruined when Logan ordered us off to let him have a go. Why was this problem? Because in E7, we had two goes on the Wii, but we'd only had one.
Immediately, I was pushed out of the scene by Anger. He took over and things went downhill.

In P.E, prior lunch and E7, Anger took over as we snapped at Ashley. She kept messing about and Fear was worried that she'd get in trouble. He and Anger worked together to try to get her to stop, but it ended with Fear being pushed away.

Here in Headquarters, things end in arguments, even I argue angrily with everyone, questioning why I couldn't be more in control.

"Why can't I be at the console more?" I yelled to no one in particular, but still everyone.

There was a bitter silence as I felt everyone glare at me and I felt bitter and angry yet controlled and hopeless despite being the embodiment of joy.
"WELL?!"

"Because… Because you aren't part of the package!" A fearless, angered voice yelled back. But it didn't come from Anger, although he was my first suspect. And it wasn't a female voice…

Turning around, I stared at the yeller. "Fear?"

His eyes were bitter and enraged, like I had been mere seconds ago. "You aren't part of the package of depression! Do you know how long I stay up, worrying about paranoia and depression and anxiety and cancer and dementia and life in general?! And you want us to be happy?! Oh yes, Joy, that'll work FINE! BECAUSE NOTHING ELSE MATTERS AS LONG AS YOU'RE IN CONTROL! OUR DIAGNOSIS OF ASPERGER'S? NOPE, COMPLETELY FINE! POSSIBLE DEPRESSION?! NOPE, DON'T CARE! OUR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS?! WHO GIVES A FUCK?!" With each word, I began to grow smaller and dimmer under realisation of what a horrible, horrible emotion I'd been. I still am. I seemed dimmer than 'Cat and Squid' Island. I wanted to cry. I wanted to be alone…

I wanted to die. Anything to get away from here.

Fear seemed worn out by his outburst (or perhaps he was weakened by the stress restricting from the sleep he wanted) and he collapsed to his knees and hands. I looked up, willing for some to help him. No one did. Yet.

Sadness helped me up, since I'd fallen to my knees, and cast a glance at the embodiment of Fear. He was shaking and his breaths were heavy and deep but otherwise he was fine. As Sadness went to help him up – she's the only emotion who's still sane – loud sobs caused the purple emotion to shake wildly and uncontrollably. Anger and Disgust, who had turned to go to their rooms, paused to look at their fellow emotion.

As Sadness soothed the bawling Fear, I angrily turned to the two. "Look at this! Do you remember when we used to be happy? We weren't always like this, were we?! Now we are! Now I'm rarely true! WHY DO YOU GUYS ALWAYS PUSH ME AWAY?!"

Only Fear's sobs and Sadness' assuring whispers fill the quarters, Anger, I and Disgust silent as I clench my fists, my eyes shadowed. I hate myself. I'm meant to be the embodiment of Joy, but all I feel is self-loathing, pain and sorrow. What's happening? What's happening to me?

What's happening to all us?

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When they say you're broken, they don't mean just you. They mean your emotions as well.

Fear gets angry but it drains him and turns him into a shaking mess after his outburst, forcing tears out of his eyes as he remembers everything before these horrible days.

I, Joy, get sad and it drains me and forces me to question whether I am useful or not, making me become a hopeful version of the person who's breaking as I remember everything before these painful days.

Sadness becomes the dominant emotion and she looks after us all and controls us at the same time, for she is forced to work at the secondary console as she remembers everything before these heartrending days.

Anger becomes another emotion who is forced to work on all the consoles and he grows tired and no longer has the strength to fight as well as he used to as he remembers everything before these pathetically heart-breaking days.

Disgust makes so many wrong choices for Kristan but she can't help it as it's her nature and she is forced to hurt Kristan in a mental way as she remembers everything before these demoralising days.

The memories of us being happy without these problems are long gone. Now we only have this Kristan as we scream for help silently. No wonder no one hears us… Help.

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And I, I will remember how to fly.

Unlock the heavens in my mind.

Follow my love back through the same secret door.

Lying beside you,

Listening to you breathe.

The life that flows inside of you,

Burns inside of me.

Hold and speak to me,

Of love without a sound.

Tell me you will live through this

And I will die for you.

Cast me not away,

Say you'll be with me.

For I know I cannot

Bear it all alone.