If I Let you go

By Vinkunwildflowerqueen

DISCLAIMER: Wicked is not my creation or property.

AN. This is dedicated to David Harris, today finishing up over a year and a half as Fiyero in the Australian production of Wicked, which is currently in South Korea. He was the inspiration for my Fiyero in Falling In, Taking Chances, and especially Stranger to Myself.

This fic is inspired by the Westlife song of the same name.

Chapter One

Once upon a time, there lived a handsome prince. The prince was not only handsome, but charming, and could win the affections of any girl of his choosing. He specialised his talents and efforts into having fun, enjoying life, and not having to think too hard or take anything too seriously.

Until he met a certain green-skinned girl and helped her to free a caged Lion Cub. Then that life was no more.

It's not to say that Fiyero was afraid of commitment. He just avoided it. And whilst he cared for every girl he'd dated- some deeper than others, he'd never felt anything like this before. He'd never been in love before. He'd never believed in love at first sight- and this definitely had not been love at first sight. But he never thought it was really possible to fall this hard and this fast.

In the days following that day- which would always be ingrained in his mind as "The Lion Cub Day", he found his mind absolutely completely consumed by thoughts of Elphaba. Where she was, what she was doing, what she was thinking, and most importantly- how could he gain her attention and/or talk to her?

The matter was slightly more complicated… well, totally and horrendibly more complicated, by the fact Fiyero was currently dating Elphaba's roommate and newfound best friend, the blonde, perky, and popular Galinda. It was safe to say that Fiyero's attention and focus had wandered from his girlfriend recently; but Fiyero didn't think anyone had noticed just who his attention was now redirected to, or why.

Fiyero was relieved by that. He knew he hadn't been the most attentive and doting of boyfriends since that day, and he knew Galinda had noticed and was upset about it. And he felt guilty, he did. Even if he and Galinda hadn't been dating that long, he did care for her and he never planned for his thoughts to always be directed to her roommate. Fiyero knew how easy everything would be if he was capable of simply not thinking about Elphaba; but he couldn't help it. Every time the green girl was in the room- and a lot of the time when she wasn't, his mind went directly to her as though drawn by a magnet.

"Fiyero? Are you even listening to me?"

This was now a common refrain from Galinda, and every time they were said, Fiyero's reaction was to jump guiltily and assure her that she had his full attention. They both knew that was a lie, however.

It wasn't as if Galinda hadn't inquired as to what had caused the sudden change to his behaviour; but his vague responses of,

"I've got a lot on my mind at the moment" or "I was just thinking" didn't seem to reassure her. Fiyero couldn't blame her, he was unsettled by the changes himself. Thinking wasn't something that he usually put a lot of effort into or devoted much time to.

But what else was he supposed to say? The truth?

"Sorry, Galinda, I wasn't listening to you talk about shoes, I was actually just wishing that I'd kissed Elphaba when I had the chance."

Yes, that would go down well.

He couldn't even find the courage to mention anything to Elphaba (not for lack of trying), let alone bring it up with Galinda. All Fiyero could do was wrestle with himself about what to do.

"Fiyero? What do you think? I'm right, aren't I?"

Fiyero blinked and stilled slightly, having no idea what Galinda was talking about or whether she was right or not.

"Er… of course you're right," he said finally, hoping that was the right answer.

Luckily, Galinda beamed at him and turned with satisfaction to Elphaba. "See, Elphie? We should celebrate you getting an invitation to see the Wizard!."

Oh, so that was what she was talking about. Well, Fiyero definitely agreed about that.

"Yeah, we should celebrate!" he addressed Elphaba, who eyed him warily.

"I've heard you say we should celebrate Fridays, so you'll forgive me if I'm not going to take your word for this," she answered him dryly.

He shrugged sheepishly, and Galinda jumped back in.

"What do you say, Elphie? We can go out to dinner or something!"

"Who's 'we'?" Elphaba asked suspiciously.

"You, me, Fiyero, Nessarose, and… who's that Munchkin she's spending time? Bick?" Galinda suggested.

Elphaba didn't bother to correct her. Finally, she let out a long sigh and looked Galinda directly in the eyes.

"Only dinner, not at the OzDust- somewhere I can hear myself think and only the… five of us. And somewhere casual. Got it?" she said sharply.

Galinda nodded happily. "Got it! Tomorrow night? I mean, you leave the next day, right? That doesn't leave a lot of time."

Elphaba sighed in agreement. "Fine."

Nessarose agreed to the plans, she was proud of her sister's achievements and Boq… well, he really wasn't given an option.

So, the five of them went to dinner to celebrate Elphaba being summoned to see the Wizard. Galinda and Nessa both chattered excitedly about what the Wizard might be like, and everything Elphaba could do or see in the Emerald City. Fiyero and Boq sat there mostly in silence, Boq looking dutifully at Nessa but sneaking glances out of the corner of his eye; and Fiyero alternating his own gazes between his girlfriend and… the girl he wished was his girlfriend?

He wasn't sure, and that was part of the problem. As far as Fiyero could see, he had two options:

He could break up with Galinda, deal with the fallout from that and hopefully… maybe… tell Elphaba how he felt about her and ask her out.

Or, he could forget his feelings and focus his attention and affection on Galinda, who he did really care for and was, by all appearances, perfect for him.

Yes, his feelings for Elphaba were by far stronger than anything he felt for Galinda or had ever felt for anyone; but the truth was, it was far simpler and easier just to stay with Galinda.

The second option was tempting. Very tempting. How big was the fall out for breaking up with your girlfriend for her best friend? And there was no guarantee Elphaba felt anything for him in return; and Fiyero was concerned by the idea that he might feel guilty being with Elphaba, how it had come about.

Yes, maybe it was easier just to leave things the way they were.

"Are you ready to order?" a voice asked, startling Fiyero out of his thoughts and he looked up to see the waiter standing there.

Galinda looked around the table. "Yes, I think so."

They all ordered, and Fiyero made a conscious effort to keep his mind on the conversation. They kept up a mostly easy conversation as they ate, thanks to the effort of Galinda and Nessarose who kept the conversation flowing when it stalled until Fiyero, Elphaba or Boq felt the need to contribute to the discussion.

"I can't believe it's managed to stay a secret, something like this. I mean, it's hardly every day a university student is summoned to the Wizard, is it?" Galinda said proudly, beaming at her friend.

"No, but it's me," Elphaba reminded her. "No one cares what I do. If it was you going, I'm sure everyone would know."

"True," Galinda admitted.

"Are you nervous? About meeting the Wizard, I mean," Nessa asked her sister.

Elphaba thought about that carefully. "I'm not sure. I don't think so," she said slowly. "Should I be?"

"No," Galinda said confidently. "Everything comes down to confidence, Elphie. Oh, which reminds me!"

She reached down to her feet and retrieved a small bag, which she handed to Elphaba.

"I got you a present."

Elphaba looked startled and suspicious, and she didn't take it at first.

"What is it?" Galinda frowned slightly.

"I'm just remembering the last present you gave me," Elphaba replied, with a faint smirk.

It took Galinda a second to realise her friend was talking about the OzDust and the pointed hat, then she flushed and shook her head. "No, Elphie… take it."

Elphaba did so, and cautiously unwrapped it to reveal a black cotton dress with long sleeves, a high neck and tiny buttons down the front of the dress.

"I thought you should have something really nice to wear when you meet the Wizard," Galinda explained.

Elphaba clearly didn't know what to say in response for a moment.

"Thank you, Galinda," she said finally, her voice soft.

Fiyero thought it was a lovely gesture on Galinda's part, and he smiled. This was just one reason he should be happy with Galinda, she clearly cared about her friends, and she and Elphaba hadn't been friends for that long.

Elphaba leaned over and hugged her roommate tightly, and Galinda giggled happily as she returned the hug equally as tight. Fiyero couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to hold Elphaba in his arms, and furiously swatted the thought away as quickly as it had come.

"It's a lovely dress," Nessa commented as the girls pulled away, and Galinda began telling the story of how she had come to buy it, without needing to be asked.

Fiyero's male brain immediately tuned out, although he suspected Elphaba was doing the same thing. But whilst knowing Elphaba, it was more than likely her brain drifted to books or to school; Fiyero's brain dared to creep back in the idea of holding Elphaba in his arms and just how exactly would that feel.

Elphaba was taller than Galinda by several inches, but she was just as thin, if not thinner. If Fiyero was right, Elphaba would nestle right under his chin- he would be able to smell her hair… he'd been just too far away to be able to do that in the clearing, that day with the Lion Cub. In hindsight, he thought he caught a whiff of something, almost like some kind of flower, but he couldn't remember with enough clarity and he hadn't been close enough since to double check.

"I'd like to propose a toast," Fiyero said hastily, when his thoughts began to stray too far into dangerous territory for his liking.

He grabbed his glass as the others turned to him. He motioned impatiently for the others to likewise pick up their glasses.

"To Elphaba," he continued, with a small nod in her direction and she lowered her eyes uncomfortably. "Off to meet the Wonderful Wizard of Oz!"

"And to prove she is a thousand times smarter than anyone else here," Galinda added with a smile.

Elphaba blushed shyly as they all toasted and sipped.

"Elphaba's always been the smartest person I know," Nessa said matter-of-factly.

Elphaba smiled at Nessa, a brilliant smile that lit up her entire face. Fiyero's gut clenched slightly, Elphaba had such a beautiful smile that few ever really saw. He saw the love Elphaba directed at her younger sister, and wondered if perhaps he would ever see a smile like that directed at him.

He'd seen her smirk at him, or give small, uncomfortable smiles at times, but never like this. Never a genuine, real, relaxed smile. And Fiyero wanted to be on the receiving end of one of those smiles so badly.

But he wouldn't. He couldn't. Not in the current circumstances.

And here was his dilemma- were those questions, those desires- to hold her, to have her smiling back at him… were they deep enough to be able to withstand the fallout from breaking up with Galinda and the battle to be allowed inside Elphaba's inner walls?

Fiyero came to the decision that night, that he would mull it over. Elphaba was leaving for the Emerald City and would be gone for a few days. That would surely be enough time to tell how strong his feelings for her were, and he could act accordingly from there.