A/N: Hey guys! I wrote this last night on my iPod at like… 11 o'clock when I was supposed to be asleep. Hehehe…
This is my first Doctor Who fic, hopefully not my last, and hopefully a good fic, but BE WARNED! Its EXTREMELY angsty. Like, COMPLETELY angst. Nothing else.
Its kinda like the type of monologue I would write… hmm, I wonder if we'll have a monologue to write for drama next year…
I should just point out, that this fic is actually set before that last scene on Bad Wolf Bay, before she see's the Doctor for the last time. In my head, I think that seeing the Doctor that last time would be what ended up pushing her towards creating the Dimension Cannon. Before that, I think she would have gone through some state of depression without him, because she was just ripped away from him, no choice whatsoever. And I think that in itself would be heartbreaking, even if she wasn't in love with him. That just made it even worse. She doesn't know about Martha, or Donna, or how long the Doctor would be alone before he meets someone else. She knows he will meet someone, but she doesn't know how long it'll be before he has someone else to help with the pain. Someone pointed that out to me in a review, so I thought I should make that clear.
Anyways – enjoy! Or cry… or, whatever this fic makes you feel like doing.
I was never anything special. I guess that's how we all start. Small and insignificant. Until the Doctor comes along. Then, you're like the most important human on Earth.
I never thought it would end. I thought we would just be running for the rest of our lives - together.
Then you realize why he never settles down, why the Doctor doesn't allow himself to fall in love.
He once told me that I could spend the rest of my life with him, but he can't spend the rest of his with me. "That's the curse of being a Time Lord" he told me. Guess that makes us more and more determined to stay with him for as long as possible. So he'll never have to be alone again.
But, soon enough, it ends, just like everything else has too. You can't escape it, you can't outrun it - the Doctor knows that best of all. I think even I knew it wouldn't last forever - but I didn't think it would end like this. Not like this.
S'funny. I thought that after Canary Wharf, working at Torchwood, I thought I would feel more important. Like I was doing something good. Something right. In the end it was like I was back at square one. Sure I was the daughter of the director of Torchwood, the Vitex heiress, and the captain of the top field team for the institute, but I felt like I was once again small and insignificant in the scheme of the universe. Nothing special.
Nothing at all.
Just thinking about it makes me feel numb inside. 'Insignificant'. A word I never thought I would have to use to describe my life again after I met the Doctor. Then again, insignificant is just one of many words I never thought I would have to use.
'Boring's another one. Not that my life now is boring. On the contrary, I'm still out there saving the world, just like I used too, except now, it wasn't fun like it used to be. I now did it alone. Without him.
The life I had now, I never thought it would be like this. Before and after the Doctor. Before, I was content to just live my life with my mum, and Mickey. After, well, I never thought there would be an "after". I thought I would be travelling with him, forever. Just like I promised. 'The Stuff of Legend.' Together, forever. As corny as that sounds, that's what I wanted. All I ever wanted since I'd met him.
I missed the Doctors optimism, his charm and his spirit. His passion to help people, to save them. The way he could take one person and make them feel like the most important person in the world. His mercy, kindness, and his ability to try and forgive even the most heinous of crimes.
Everything that made him, him. His love of bananas and 'The Lion King'. His hatred of pears and cats. The way he used glasses even though he didn't need too. The way he babbled on about things like 'fragment links' and 'chameleon circuits' at a million miles an hour.
The way he would hold my hand, just to check that I was there.
I guess I just missed HIM.
And I think what kills me the most is not that I'll never see him again (although that is pretty devastating), but thinking about him, out there, facing it all alone. Carrying that same heavy burden for the rest of his life alone.
And that I'll never be able to try and help him bear the weight.
A/N: So whatcha think? This fic hasn't been beta'd, cause I wanted to know what you guys thought of it first, so Luna, Clara – DON'T KILL ME!
Anyways, reviews are much appreciated!