Dean,
There are some things I regret not telling you sooner. Now that you're gone, you'll never know. Although, this letter will never be sent, just something to help me say the important words I haven't had the guts to tell. I guess I should start with the first secret that I I've kept since yellow-eyes died.
The truth is, when I said my visions were gone for good. I lied. My visions still remain, and have remained since then. It is the same on how they come to me, except for the headaches haven't been as bad compared to when Azezel was alive and breathing. Somehow I know that they will always be in me, eternally haunting my sleeping and waking hours.
When we faced that ghost who had been killing people that had slaughtered their own family members…I knew Bela was going to die. I never mentioned it to you because I knew you would flip, and look at the half-bright side…we saved her before the vision came true.
And knowing that was going to happen, that's not even the worse part…I saw your time come to an end, twice. One was the witches placing a hex on you and the other was when your deal was up. Ruby wasn't being possessed by Lilith in my vision, so that was still unexpected, but, I saw the hellhounds tearing you to shreds as if you were a favorite chew toy of theirs. It was in a much more gruesome manner than it had been originally.
You're my older brother, and although we never say, "I love you bro"…all I am saying is that I wish I could've helped you sooner. If you were here you'd no doubt kick my ass for blaming myself for you making the deal to bring me to life. Dean…I was dead and should've stayed dead. When I came back, it was unnatural. I am different and you sure as hell realized it too. I want to desperately reverse time and repeat that day to change my actions.
That day I let my heart over-rule my mind. Didn't pay attention to my surroundings because when I saw my big brother there to save me, all of the hunting instincts melted away. Once I turned my back on Jake, thinking that he was out for a good while to try and escape…to live. I immediately surrendered the upper hand to him.
Now I know that you thought you had failed to save me, to keep dad's promise, as I lied in front of you. Pale, lifeless, and empty. But you didn't fail; not one bit, and I wanted you to hear that. No longer placing the thought that I, your pain in the ass, geek boy little brother, was to blame for what you chose to do then. You care…cared for me. And to show that I have your back like always…I will make damn sure, you are getting out of hell.
I am not going to sit around, with my head up my 6'4 ass moping, while you are tortured in a prison made of bone, flesh, pain and fear. Cause you don't deserve to suffer like that. You sold your soul so then I could live. That kind of thing shouldn't give them the right to punish you like they probably are.
And when you get back on the surface where I stand fighting to bring you out, maybe…just maybe, you'll be allowed this letter.
Fight the fight Dean and go down swinging.
Love,
Sam