So, this is just something I thought of earlier today. I hope you enjoy.
I Wish You Would Come Back To Me
Sora,
My dear Sora.
I don't know why I'm writing to you. Perhaps everything that's been going on lately has me missing you, a lot. I find it hard to talk to other people about these problems…you were the only one that comforted me and made me feel really loved afterwards.
I do really love you.
I wish you would come back to me.
Where should I begin…?
I remember when we first met. Only five years old, I remember seeing a small boy with a mop of brown hair on his head and thinking, "he's going to be my friend."
I always get what I want, I suppose.
This little boy… he was so energetic. When at times I felt like all I wanted to do was sulk and be by myself, he'd always interfere and make me laugh against my will. You really came into my life for a reason, didn't you, Sor?
He had the biggest blue eyes that I thought he'd grow into, but I was wrong. Even to this day, the size of those baby blues astound me. You really do look cute, even at our age.
I wish you would come back to me.
This little boy and I grew older, getting new, interesting habits. Like fighting with swords. Which one of us came up with that brilliant idea?
All I remember is sweat, the sound of that little boy crying, and the faint smell of blood mixing in with the sea salt.
How I could only imagine your pain.
I'm so sorry for that, by the way. I tell you that a lot, even as adults, and you just laugh it off. "Riku!" you say. "That was so long ago, I hardly even remember it!"
I remember it, Sora. I feel guilty about it everyday. I feel guilty about a lot of things lately.
You were sniffling and you had a big scrape on your leg, one I can still see to this day. But you just shrug and say it doesn't hurt anymore.
Even with the injuries, it never stopped us. We were just kids. We liked doing idiotic things. Hell, we still like doing idiotic things…
We grew older still. High school started, and we were both scared shitless. I didn't let it show much, but I was just as nervous as you. The tacky school uniforms didn't help much either, and though I'm sure I've told you before, you really did look handsome in it. Everyday I couldn't wait to get up so I could see you outside my door, with your messy cinnamon spikes, and your big sapphire eyes, standing with your tie on backwards, looking cute and confused and helpless. Those were the days I enjoyed the most, Sora.
How I wish you would come back to me.
The little boy never changed, really. His body and face had matured, but he was still the same old kid I met at age five.
He sure is handsome and fun.
I remember girls came into the picture. We were high school boys now; everyone wanted a piece of us. They liked me for my muscular build and 'bad boy attitude' as they called it. They loved you for your personality and your blue orbs.
I love everything about you, though. Some people just don't look at everything.
But I like to look at the big picture.
The girls never interested us, though. We had no interest in dating them. Sure, they were pretty, and their skin was soft, and their hair was shiny, but we didn't care. All we wanted to do was hang out with each other, and we were fine with that.
There was one girl though…Kairi. You remember Kairi, right? I haven't spoken to her in so long…I wonder what she's up to now?
Anyway. Kairi. Though the little boy and I swore to each other to never let girls in the way, it somehow happened. This auburn-haired beauty came into your life, and you didn't seem to want it, but you didn't stop it, either. When I would ask at the time, you would just say something like, "I dunno, she seems so fragile," or, "she's not a bad person, really. I mean, her hair smells nice, so it's not all bad."
My silly little love. I let it slide. After all, it was only a few years later that you were the one saying my hair smelt good as you caressed it. Oh, how I miss when you used to grip it when we made love.
But high school was different. Boys couldn't be together like that where we came from. It wasn't forbidden per say, but people weren't used to it, and it made everyone 'uncomfortable.' Huh, makes them uncomfortable? Yet all the straight couples are allowed to show public displays of affection.
That never really stopped me, though. No matter how much you would say, "Riku, quit it! We're in public!"
That doesn't matter, Sora. I'll show you my love wherever and whenever.
So, it did turn out that a girl came between us. You started being dragged off by her to go places she wanted, be it the mall, the beach, or to disappear into her room. I never wanted to know what you did in there. Never.
But you allowed it. I started missing the little boy I met at age five who would make a fart noise whenever girls were mentioned. "Girls don't have cooties, they have STD's" I once heard you say. Once I actually found out what an STD was, I was dying of laughter for the following few days. Apparently, you had heard it was some kind of disease, and thought cooties weren't good enough. The look on your face when you found out what an STD was about made my life.
I wish you would come back to me, love.
Things with Kairi got worse. As we got closer to graduation, we got closer to being adults. Being free. And that scared both of us, a lot. We didn't want to be separated. We were the Fantastic Four—"Sora, there's only two of us." "Well, I like the name!"—and we wanted things to stay that way forever.
So while adulthood neared, Kairi started bugging this little boy about being together forever. She would go on and on about moving in together, getting married, having children, and this scared you a lot. At times, you would come to me after talking with her all shaken up; claiming you "just want some guy time to get girls out of my mind."
I understand, Sora. Girls do have STD's, huh?
It still makes me chuckle.
Still, the redhead never gave up.
I remember our first kiss like it was yesterday.
It was a week after graduation, I think. We were in my room playing some videogame, talking about nothing in particular and just enjoying our freedom. "No more school, woohoo!" You would shout. "College, Sor," I'd remind you, and you would just get the cutest pout on your face that I just want to eat up.
So, Kairi came over, unannounced and uninvited. I never really minded the redhead, but she could get stubborn. Like when you would tell her you couldn't go on a date because we had boy's night—something we had to create after you started dating.
"Sora!" she shouted into the room. I could tell your mood dropped immediately.
She barged in, smiled at you, and plopped down right into your lap. Boop, into your lap, just like a sack. She laid across you and rested her head against yours. You looked at me with panic on your face, and that's when I realized, you really didn't want her to be your girlfriend. I knew you were putting up with the girl, but I had never realized you didn't like her at all.
I'm sure I spouted a sarcastic, "can I help you, Kairi?" or something, because I remember a nasty glare being shot my way. For someone with such big, innocent, blue eyes, she sure could make a man feel small. I guess it depends on the person. Your eyes just make me want to melt into a shrivel of a man so I can do everything for you.
Come back to me, Sor.
"W-what, Kairi?" you asked. You looked so helpless over there. I wish I would've helped you with her sooner.
She smiled down at him. "I found us an apartment. I was thinking we could move in by the end of the month."
Those were her exact words, I remember them well. Because that was the moment our relationship changed.
"Actually, Kai," I spouted. "Sora doesn't want to move in with you. He can't."
She glared at me again, shooting daggers right into my soul. Well ha ha, Kairi. I've got a barrier against your bitchy ways. But the look soon melted into hurt. "Why not?" she asked, looking to Sora.
"Uh…"
"He's moving in with me," I said smugly. The redhead looked confused.
"Sor? Why are you moving in with Riku? I thought you wanted to live with me," she said in a small voice, fingering the collar of his shirt.
That little boy just looked frozen with fear, not knowing what to say to the girl. It's why I'm here, Sor. To protect you in situations like these.
Though, I don't know what possessed me to blurt out, "because we're in love," because next thing I knew, Kairi was standing up off of you, and coming directly over to me to get in my face. It wasn't so intimidating, I have a good five inches on her.
"Love? Ha," she laughed. "Sora's not gay."
"How can you be so sure?" I asked.
"Because," she said, putting her hands on her hips in a supposedly frightening manner, "he's touched me and I could tell he liked it."
Not gonna lie, Sora, that one kinda hurt. How could you touch that she-devil? You've explained countless times it was just a mixture of hormones and curiosity. After all, at the time you didn't know you were gay, or straight, really. But it did relieve me to hear it was gross, and smelly, and it looked like an old roast beef sandwich.
You always know how to entertain me.
I wish you would come back to me.
"Funny," I retorted. "I've done the same to him and I'm sure he's never made those noises with you."
Cue your face looking like a tomato. Sorry hun, it had to be done. Plus, it really ruffled her feathers.
"You're lying. Sora's not a homo."
I couldn't help but laugh. Was she going to use names now? Oh this should be fun…
"A homo, huh, Kai? At least I'm not a total cunt. Besides, I'm sure he likes this," I walked over to you, placed my hands behind your neck, and pulled you to me. You were surprised, but you kissed back, and you smelled and tasted so good. Cherries and chocolate…that's what you've always tasted like to me. You swear you brush your teeth with just mint toothpaste, but I've never tasted mint.
Your lips were so soft and I sadly had to pull away, as we had an audience. Hopefully we'd just get to do more of that later.
Your face looked so adorable. You still had a blush, but it calmed down some, instead just dusting your cheeks and nose. Your breathing increased, and if it weren't for a certain redheaded female I would've dived right back in.
"…better than your shitty kisses," I continued.
She growled and left the room, never speaking to either of us for many years to come.
Good riddance.
Besides, now that she was gone, we got to kiss more, and I held you for the first time as your boyfriend.
Boyfriend…
Please, I wish you would come back to me, my love.
After that, things went along pretty smoothly as I remember. You were always so cute. You still are, though. I miss you everyday.
Towards the end of summer, we both lost our virginity. Cute, right? I thought so. You were so perfect that night, Sora. I remember every lick, every grope, every soft word exchanged between us. You felt amazing around me. I remember when I first entered you; I thought I'd spill my load right on the spot. But that blissful look on your face after you wrapped your legs around my waist kept me from it. Every thrust sent powerful tremors of pleasure through me; I simply thought I'd die from it.
Neither of us lasted long. After all, we're only guys, right? But it was blissful, and afterwards we held each other and had a perfectly sappy moment together.
It did please me, however, to find out what a little sex kitten you are. The first couple of times were sweet and gentle, but soon you didn't seem to mind steering the reigns. I didn't mind, either. Some of those nights that summer were just full of passion and sweat and I never wanted the ecstasy to end.
I just somehow knew you'd be good with your mouth.
College came and went. Jobs started. We moved in together. The perfect life, right?
Nope.
You became distant from me. I didn't know why at the time. I remember thinking, was it work? Did you think we didn't spend enough time together?
Then my mind wandered elsewhere. Did we spend too much time together?
I just really didn't know.
You suddenly became disinterested in sex, which disappointed me to no end. I needed my little bundle of brown spikes and moans in my bed. I missed your touch. It became almost unbearable.
Then, that day happened. It was just so cliché, I almost wanted to die.
First off, I got canned from work. Awesome, huh? The economy sucks. Seriously. As if almost four bucks per gallon of gas wasn't bad enough? Sorry, I'm getting sidetracked.
So, I came home from work around three. I figured it would be nice to spend some time with you alone now, maybe talk to you about what's wrong.
Unfortunately, we didn't talk about what was wrong between us. I saw it.
As soon as I got home, I noticed a motorcycle in the driveway. What would a motorcycle be doing here? You and I certainly didn't own one.
I entered the house and I could just tell something was off. It was eerily quiet…normally at this time of day, you'd be home from work, and you would either be watching a dumb sitcom with canned laughter, or you would be cooking something. Boy, the little boy I met sure loved to eat, but just where did it all go?
I wish he'd come back to me.
So I went upstairs, thinking maybe you were taking a nap. I heard groans.
My first thought was not, "oh no, he must be injured!"
No, I wasn't that dumb. I knew what was going on. I just prayed I was somehow wrong and you were watching really loud porn on your laptop.
But as I creaked open the door, ah, nope, sure enough you were indeed not watching porn. You were being fucked by somebody else.
Best. Day. Ever. (If you couldn't tell, that was sarcastic.)
I'd never been one for words, but while I stood there in the doorway feeling absolutely crushed, I couldn't even find it in me to yell, "Stop!" or, "Thanks a ton, Sor," or even, "Having fun?"
No. I was basically frozen. A statue of fear and sadness.
I had no idea who was on top of you. He looked about our age, maybe a few years older. I didn't recognize him, though. All I could see was that he was driving into you and you seemed to love it. Was I not good enough? I read Kama Sutra, for gods sake.
You were clawing down his sweaty back while he kissed you.
Your lips were now tainted by his.
Tainted, tainted, tainted.
I just sat there shaking my head while you two ascended to your climax. Tears welled up in my eyes even as I tried to will them away. It was no use.
"Uhn, Leon!" you shouted. Leon, huh? No idea who that is.
"Sora," he breathed out. "Ng…I…love you…"
And the only thing I felt grateful for was even while you climaxed, you didn't say it back. Guess you're not all bad.
Ha, right. You were a perfect angel in that moment, weren't you? Just the best boyfriend ever.
You sat there panting and catching your breath while he pulled out, and, oh—he didn't wear a condom, huh? I had to use one, but studly Leon here didn't?
Guess I'm the tainted, diseased one.
I cleared my throat and both of you looked my way. Fear immediately went into both of your eyes. "Sup, Sora?" I asked, my voice cracking. "Enjoying yourself? 'Cause I sure liked the show."
"Riku…" you said. Your own eyes filled with tears, mirroring my own.
"Awesome," I mumbled sarcastically. "This is just fucking great!"
I stormed downstairs to my car, and drove to a hotel. Fuck.
You called and pleaded to me, and no matter how much I hated you for cheating on me, I couldn't stay away. Call me a sucker, but I love you, Sora, and I never wanted to stay away in the first place.
So I forgave you. We took it slow at first, and after months of regaining trust, we got back to that point. You never told me why you cheated, but I guess I don't really want to know.
As long as I had you back, right?
I miss you. I wish I could have you back.
Sometime after that, Sora, no matter what we went through, I realized I wanted you in my life forever. So, I decided I wanted to marry you.
I didn't know how to go about it. I mean, we were two men, not the typical couple. Do I still ask your father for permission? Do we have a regular ceremony? Would our friends and loved ones even want us to have a wedding? Either way, I wouldn't care. I love you, Sora, I wouldn't care if we got married in a dumpster and exchanged bites of pizza instead of rings. Because I know that it would be the best damn pizza I would ever had.
I proposed to you about a year after the cheating incident. At that time, we'd been together for, hmm…six years? A pretty long time, in my opinion.
I decided to try to propose in an original way. I wanted it to be special, but I didn't want to totally turn our lives into a romantic comedy or something. No matter how much you love them.
So, I decided on the weirdest thing I could think of. I hid it in my shampoo.
Yes. I hid the ring in my shampoo bottle in the shower. You always claimed you didn't use it, but I knew the amount was decreasing. You always say how you love my hair, how silky it feels. So I knew that you used it.
I made sure to start secretly using different shampoo, so I wouldn't get the ring by accident. The hole was just big enough for a ring to fit through.
I was downstairs in the kitchen while you went up to take the shower. I'd put in the silver band about a week ago, so I figured it would be showing up eventually. When I heard the gasp, louder because of the shower walls, I smiled to myself. Sure, I'd wished that I could see the expression on your face, but it was still worth it to be able to look at you everyday for the rest of our lives.
When you came down into the kitchen, still sopping wet, holding the ring, I smiled at you. "Riku?" you had asked, quiet and hopeful.
So I got down on my knee and proposed. It was a strange proposal, as you were naked, and soaked, and we were in the kitchen, but it was perfect nonetheless.
After that we made love, as I thought, but we never left the kitchen. This time, I spent the time to really cherish your body, as if trying to pinch myself into believing this was real. You mewled and gasped and moaned, and I can still hear those noises today if I remember real well. You were mine, from then on.
Yet I still wish you were here. Come back to me.
The wedding took place about two years after the proposal. The first year was just us enjoying our engagement, telling people about it, and simply being with each other. When year two started up, our friends got on our asses to actually get married. Oh, yeah. That should probably have happened eventually.
So we planned it. Do you remember planning with your mother? She was so happy, the whole time. At first I could sense her hesitance around us, being gay and all, but I know she loves you, and Tifa would want nothing more than for you to be happy. You're her little boy, after all.
But soon, you were my little boy. In every romantic and perverted way possible.
The wedding was beautiful, but I didn't pay much attention to the decorations. All I was focused on was how cute you looked in your tux.
Tifa's boyfriend—Cloud, was it?—joked about which one of us was going to wear the dress, pointedly looking at you, while you responded with a, "Hell no, Cloud! I don't have a vagina!" and swiftly kicked him in the shin. I laughed, but you were right. That would just be wrong if either of us wore a dress. We are men. You may be innocent and emotional, but you're definitely a boy. I could vouch for that myself.
You looked very handsome, and you told me the same. During the ceremony, I didn't pay much attention to the reverend; I was just looking at you.
Funny how we got a reverend to marry a gay couple. It's a good thing your little brother Roxas was one, otherwise we would probably have got hitched in Vegas. But hey, your brother is gay too, right? So it's not like he can talk. Besides, didn't he get it online anyway? I'm pretty sure the church had kicked him out.
Regardless, we kissed, and I will always remember that day, Sora. You were the little boy I met at five years old, and now here we were, a little over twenty years later. Funny how life works, huh? Never would I have thought that I'd be marrying this little boy.
We had our toasts from intoxicated relatives, we danced crazily on the floor, and as the night wound down, we made our way back to the house, kissing and touching all the way.
I think you know what I'm going to say next. Why can't you be here? Why is life like this? I wish you would come back to me.
Our life went along, and we eventually hit our thirties. Yikes, thirties? Both of us were skeptical, but once I reassured you that you still looked as beautiful as you did when we were eighteen, you did the same. We didn't dwell on the 'beautiful' part. It's not a girly term. Sora, you are beautiful. You always have been.
But we decided the next step in our relationship was due. And what was that step?
A kid.
I knew I had been gay since I was fifteen or sixteen, but if you had ever told me I'd be having a kid, I would've laughed. Really, me? No, not sex god Riku. Neeeevveeer.
Jokes on me. Because now, if I could go back to sixteen year old Riku, I would've laughed at him. Because our child is beautiful, Sora. She really is. I'm extremely proud of her, and I know wherever you are, you're proud, too.
Once we filled out our application for adoption, you wouldn't stop smiling. You would pounce around the house asking, "When's it gonna get here, Riku?"
I would laugh and tell you that I didn't know.
I'm so sorry you never got to meet her, Sora.
The adoption center told us it could take anywhere from a few months to a few years. That didn't get you down, though. You always stayed positive. "It's alright!" you would say. "It'll be worth the wait."
It was.
It was sometime during our wait that I lost you.
I still kill myself over it everyday.
I remember coming home after work, smiling to myself, twisting the golden band on my finger.
I went to open the door and saw it was broken in. I remember cussing obscenities and rushing inside. I just hoped to god you were okay.
You weren't.
I remember finding you on the floor in our living room, ducked underneath the table. You were barely breathing.
"Sora!" I shouted. I rushed over to you, but it was hard to get a steady grip. There was blood everywhere.
Tears rushed down my face immediately. Why now? Just when we'd gotten our life together?
You turned your head and coughed. More blood came out of your mouth. It stained your teeth.
"Sora?" I shook you. "Sora, what happened?"
You looked up to me, those once cheerful baby blues, now red and swollen. No…
"Riku?" you asked weakly.
I nodded furiously, no longer able to stop the flow of tears. "Sora, what happened?"
You closed your eyes, and I silently begged you to open them. Don't die on me, love…
"These guys, they…came to the house…they took our stuff, Rik," he coughed again. "They took my wedding ring, a-and our TV, and one guy had a k-knife…"
I pulled his hand away from his body. Sure enough, a dark red stain of blood spilt on his shirt near his kidney.
"I tried to stop them, Rik, they have my ring…" you whimpered. I couldn't bear to hear you make these noises of pain.
"Sora, it's okay. I'll call an ambulance." I made to get up to grab the phone, but you stopped me.
"Riku, no. Just stay with me, please?"
I couldn't understand at the time. Why did you want me to stay? I needed to get help! I realize now that you knew you were dying. You knew that if I went to have a conversation on the phone, you might not make it. And you had so much more you wanted to tell me.
Damnit. Even after all this time I still cry over your death.
So I stayed there with you, and held you, and told you I loved you. Over and over and over. But you just held on right back, and said the same.
We sat in a few moments of silence, and I thought the worse. Had you died? Was it over?
Sure enough, with the last of your energy, you pulled me down and kissed me, right on the lips.
"I love you, Rik," you whispered. "Be strong, okay? Our child needs you."
I sniffled and tried to wipe the tears away to no avail. "Sora…"
You smiled weakly one last time before you stopped breathing, this time forever.
I wish you would come back to me.
The next few weeks spun by quickly. I had to make the calls to inform your relatives you had passed, and it was unbearable to hear their choked sobs on the other line.
Your funeral came and went. People offered me their condolences, but it wasn't enough. I just lost the love of my life. I was hurting.
I turned to alcohol. Classy, right? I'm sorry, Sora. I know you hate it when I drink, but I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I missed you. I still do.
I drowned myself in my sorrows. I felt worthless and helpless. Your mother Tifa came by occasionally to talk to me, or bring me dinner, or even just sit and be with me. I'm so glad she was still in my life.
A few months following your death, I got a phone call from the adoption center. I had almost forgotten.
"Hello, is this Sora?"
Hearing your name stung. "No, this is Riku. I'm his partner. May I help you?"
"Hello, Riku," she chirped. "My name is Xion. I work at the adoption center. I see here that you two are willing to adopt?"
"Uh…yeah. You see—"
"Great! Well we have a baby girl here who's looking for some parents who will love her unconditionally. If you two want to come down to sign the paperwork, she's all yours."
A baby girl, huh?
I remember what you said right before you died. You said our child needs me.
I knew this baby might be the only thing I have left to remember you by. I don't even have your ring.
"Sure. I'd love to." I replied.
I called Tifa and told her what was happening. She sounded thrilled. She offered to help me with the baby, and while at first I was skeptical, I agreed. After all, I didn't have you here anymore. I needed help.
Your mother went with me to the adoption center. The whole way there I was nervous. What if I wasn't a good father? What if they had to take her away?
Tifa could sense my hesitance. "Riku…" she said softly. "We're all here to help, you know. We all know Sora really wanted to have a child with you. He might be gone, but that doesn't mean we can't respect his memory, right?"
I nodded. I missed you so much. "Right."
After more agonizing paperwork, the workers finally went to get her. And boy, Sora, she is beautiful.
She was about 3 or 4 at the time. She had beautiful blonde hair and creamy white skin. But the thing that struck me the most were her eyes. Her big, blue, innocent eyes, reminding me of that little boy I met some odd years ago.
Her name is Namine. I knew from the moment she came in that I would love this little bugger for the rest of my life.
"Hi," she said, looking up at me. She was really adorable. "I'm Namine."
I smiled. "I'm Riku," I said, patting her head.
She smiled and looked at me. Those eyes, they were so painfully similar to yours. "But I can call you daddy, right?"
My heart just about cracked. I smiled again. "Of course."
I really am sad to know that you won't meet her. She's a wonderful girl. Her fifteenth birthday just passed a few weeks ago.
Her flaxen hair is still the same as it was when I first met her. She loves drawing, and I always tell her stories about you.
One night, a few months ago, she came into my room. "Dad?" she whispered.
I looked up from my book. "Yes, honey?"
She padded over in her pajamas. It was well after eleven at night. "I…well…I wanted to show you this drawing."
She handed over her notebook and smiled at me. She's grown into quite the young woman. She's brilliant, Sora. I know she's going places.
When I looked down at the notebook, I saw a beautiful picture of you, smiling at me. Namine had drawn it herself, said she saw a picture of you and wanted to draw it for me.
It was amazing. The color of your skin, your eyes, your hair, she got it all exactly right. Your pretty little lips curved into a smile, your bright eyes playful and nice. I couldn't help the sudden onslaught of tears.
"Dad?" she whispered. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you sad."
I just looked up at her. "I'm not sad, sweetheart. I'm happy. This is great."
She smiled again. "I…I can make a copy for you to keep in here, if you want."
I looked down at the picture one last time. You're so amazing, Sora.
I handed the notebook back. "That would be great."
Every day she looks at me with those big blue eyes and I can't help but smile and get lost in them.
I love our daughter, Sora, and I know wherever you are, you love her too.
I wish you could come back, but I know that you can't.
So for now, I'm just content to spend time with our beautiful daughter Namine, and think of the memories we share with fondness.
I miss you, Sora.