Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters, it all goes out to Stephanie Meyer.

Holding on

It looked like an ordinary morning but definitely didn't feel like it. I blinked many times as I woke up from another nightmare but something was wrong... It felt as if I was exiting a nightmare but at the same time entering a more strange and unknown place.

This reaction was totally pointless I told myself, how my bedroom in my own house could seem like an unknown and strange place. I had been living here for the past 12 years of my life, in the same room which never changed. Since the first day my family and I moved here I had been waking up to see the same view of my now faded yellow walls. Everything was the same but felt different. It felt sadder than usual which was surprising as I though nothing could upset my life anymore.

The same wooden border around my window faced me as I sat up on my bed. Through the years the polish of the wood had faded and chipped in many places but it always reminded me of the time I had spent in my room. It always gave it a sense of belonging followed by unavoidable disappointment. But today as I stared at it I couldn't relate to it anymore; it felt as if all my emotions had gone numb.

I looked around the room to see my old dolls house and the basket full of broken and battered Barbie dolls next to it. I always felt sentimental whenever I saw them as they were some of the only physical memories I have of my mother who passed away when I was only five years of age. She had brought me these for my fifth birthday... and later that day her car met with an accident while she was away to get my birthday cake. Ever since that day I never celebrated my birthday, for it only brought sadness and the constant reminder that I am all alone even though I have my dad. As I stared at the toys only vaguely aware of them as I remembered my mother's face, I remembered how she always used to have a brilliant smile which warmed her face. I remembered how her eyes always used to sparkle when she saw me – it was a reaction of happiness. I remembered how her voice chimed and rippled through the room whenever she sang; she had a beautiful and enchanting voice which complimented her soul, for it was also soft and clear like water streaming gently through a valley.

I came back to the present with a shock which left me breathless; the numbness of my emotions disappeared only to be replaced by screeching pain that shook through me and forced me to collapse back on the bed. With another sharp stabbing pain I realized why things had seemed so peculiar this morning and why the pain was a million times worse than usual. It was my 15th birthday. Again the pain burned through me scorching my veins and leaving a thunderous ache which can't be described. This time I put down my shield, I deserved this. Of course the pain was mental and it hit me every day but this one day of the year it would be a hundred million times worse and every year the internal burns would be worse than the last year. I gladly welcomed this torture as it was the only punishment I got and I thought it was unfair, there should be more. I was the reason; it was because of me that my mother isn't here now. This mental burning would make my conscience feel better, but that also made me wonder if the pain was worse or the guilt for being my mother's murderer. I knew the answer, the guilt was much worse than the flames scrubbing me. These flames were my allies, the cure to my guilt because when the flames appeared they would make the guilt vanish but the blaze wouldn't last forever and when they would fade I got consumed by the grave crime I had done oh so many years ago.

For the next immeasurable moment I was too paralyzed by the searing blaze to move so I lay on my bed curled up in a ball. As the pain started to fade the same strange numbness came back, I was glad to have another option to the guilt which didn't involve me withering in the mental torture conjured up by me. I was unsure how long this pain and guilt free moment would last so I thought that I should do my chores for the day so I could come back to my bed and get devoured by the torture or guilt, whichever one came first. I gingerly got out of bed expecting to crumble to the floor but somehow I was still intact, I was still very careful as I slowly dragged my feet out the room and into the bathroom where I stared at an unfamiliar face. It slowly sunk in that I was looking at my reflection but I looked terrible; dark grey circles underneath my tiered and dead looking eyes. I couldn't convince myself that it was me. The reflection staring back at me looked like a zombie, with pitch black hair like the night; my skin had always been a normal shade but with a slight tan however today it looked impossibly pale with a slight green backdrop to it – it seemed as if I was about to be sick – but I felt fine apart from the numbness but I was glad about that. Maybe it was because of the numbness I didn't feel sick yet so I quickly brushed my teeth just in case I was sick if the numbness suddenly went.

The next thing I observed was that I was coming out of the bathroom and about to go downstairs, I didn't remember cleaning my teeth but I could taste the mint from the toothpaste. Was the numbness doing more than just keeping the pain and guilt away? Well it seemed to be affecting my attention span as well but I had no reason to complain because I truly didn't mind or care anymore. As I crept downstairs I was vaguely aware of what I was doing as I was concentrating more on the reason for the numbness because it was nothing I had experienced before. I went on automatic mode as I started to put the bread in the toaster for my breakfast, again when I found myself sitting on the dining table in front of a plate dusted with bread crumbs I realized I had already ate my breakfast and again I was glad with this.

I spent most of the day in the trance like state alone in my bedroom; my dad knew better than to talk to me today so there was no witness of my new crazy development. Now that I gave it an instant's thought it was miracle that he was still putting up with my insanity and he hasn't already had me admitted in some mental hospital. This made me feel even worse, the guilt now increased. Before this it had only been me, the guilt and the pain; I never thought about my dad because I never got the chance. But now when I was free from the hysteria I understood that I had been completely ignoring my dad and inflicting him a lot of misery. This conclusion opened a fresh wound, the wound I gave to my dad now reflected back at me with double the force and finally the numb shield was shattered. This fire was different to the blaze this morning; this fire had an icy sting to it and left sharp cold spikes behind it. I had been hoping that the numbness would come back but that was pushing my luck, instead of the numbness that I was wishing for there was the guilt and it was worse than ever because it also included the fresh hurt.

I started breaking apart, crying more than I ever had. I cried myself to sleep but even while sleeping tears poured from my closed eyelids. It was the second worst night since my fifth birthday and when I thought of this I started to whimper and sob even more loudly, I tried to stop but that attempt only made it worse. It was worse than I imagined, dad had to come into my room to check on me and when I saw his expression, so broken and disappointed, it felt as if someone had stabbed me with a sharp icy knife exactly where the new wound throbbed. This continued for the rest of the long and sorrowful night.

Everything was a haze when I woke up; the shapes and colours around me looked like a blur and the lighting was dim. I rubbed my eyes fiercely until the fog started to disappear. It was seven in the morning and my eyes were stinging, maybe because of the rubbing or the crying, I wasn't sure. I lay in my bed with my head clear of all thoughts, staring out of the window. It was rainy day today, the raindrops on the window raced down, curving in different directions. I remembered when I was little I used to play dot to dot with the drops and create pictures, I wanted to do that now but when I tried I could only form a mess. This made me sad, it suggested to me that if I tried to do anything it would turn out in a mess and something would definitely go wrong.

I got tired of looking at the same scene so I thought maybe I should go and interact with my dad and somehow explain my outbreak from last night without sounding mad, I could tell this was going to be hard. I slowly made my way downstairs still unsure if I was going to be all right and stay intact – mentally at least. I peered through the door to see what my dad was doing; he was watching the news on the TV. This might be harder than I thought because dad never paid much attention to the news and would be very attentive if I were to approach him now. I delayed for a couple of seconds then marched in the living room and slumped down on the couch. I could see from the corner of my eye that dad was staring at me with cautious eyes; I imagined that he would have been wondering if I was going to have another episode.

I took a deep breath and spoke the first thing that came into my mind, "Hey dad, I'm really sorry for yesterday" - wince- "I didn't mean to do that and I'm really sorry I disturbed and upset you. I really didn't mean to do it. I'm so very, very sorry! Can you please forgive...?"

"Wait a minute Bell" he interrupted me using the old nickname he gave me when I was a baby. He somehow looked confused, and then remorse filled his eyes. "Oh Bell please, please don't apologize. You have nothing to apologize for, it really isn't your fault and you shouldn't be worried about me, I'm fine. Honestly I should be the one saying sorry, I wasn't able to take care of you in your hour of need." He fell silent as I slowly absorbed his words that he wasn't angry or upset with me but upset with himself because he couldn't help me... I snapped up from the couch really quickly then raced up the stairs to my room, I had to do this because I was unaware of what my reaction was going to be and I couldn't hurt dad's feelings anymore with a depressing reaction. To my shock I hadn't broken apart or started crying yet, maybe yesterdays pain had raised my level of tolerance. A part of me was proud but it was a very small part.

I spent the rest of the in my room and I was glad that it was the summer holidays because I would be in no state to go to school. Even though I didn't have friends I didn't like to miss school. I felt like if maybe I could achieve something in my life then my mother would probably be happy with me wherever she was. I had decided when I finally was able to accept the fact that mom was never coming back that I would from then onwards live for my mom, I would live only to please my mom's soul and to stay connected to her. Then it struck me, why had I not thought of this before, this would be perfect for mom! I had decided and now there is no going back. I am going to do this. I am never going to let mom go, she may have died for the world but she will always be alive with me and in me.

I went into my dad's study room on the top floor; he would always work from home on days when I didn't go to school. I really hate to do this to him but it has to be done. "Dad... hi I was wondering if you could call Grandma Marie and arrange for me to go and finish secondary school there, please...?" that was the start of a long conversation in which my dad was trying very hard to persuade me to stay but I would not take no for an answer and ended up winning. I didn't want to leave him all on his own here but I had to, I was hurting both of us by staying here. Also grandma lived in the country side, I needed a change of scene... but the most important part was that it was where my mother spent her childhood. If I couldn't stay connected to her there without hurting anyone else then it was impossible anywhere else, this is going to work I can feel it.

Dad spoke with grandma and she was absolutely ecstatic to hear the news, over the next week of the holidays all the arrangements had been dealt with. I would be going to a boarding school near grandma's house. It was the one mom went to; I would have to stay there for the weekdays then have the option to go back to grandma's house at the weekends or stay there. I was scheduled to leave home two days before school started; this would be one of my life changing decisions whether for good of bad I'm not sure but let's hope for the best.

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Love psycho-girls-on-a-misson xxxx