I GOT THIS IDEA FOR A 'WHAT IF' TYPE STORY. WHAT IF THINGS HAD GONE DIFFERENTLY AFTER JENNA'S DEATH AND SET ELLIOT AND OLIVIA ON AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PATH? I GUESS I'M EXPLORING THAT PATH. IT'S JUST A ONE SHOT, AU AND I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE IT. DICK WOLF OWNS THE SVU CHARACTERS AND I USED A FEW LINES FROM THE EPISODE 'SCORCHED EARTH' AT THE END, ENJOY

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It had been a week since the shooting and Elliot's been a mess. No matter how much I've tried telling him that he did what he had to do, he's still completely wracked with guilt and It's consuming him more and more with each passing day. We talk about it but lately he's been drifting somewhere that I'm finding harder to reach. It's as if he's losing himself to reliving it and tonight, again, he showed up at my door around 10pm, with that same lost look about him, just needing someone to talk to.

"You're the only person I can come to and not feel judged" he said when I opened the door and now we sat on my sofa with him a complete wreck and talking about Jenna.

"Liv… I can't turn it off; I can't stop it from replaying in my head. Every time I close my eyes I hear that shot; I see the blood… her eyes while her life slipped away from her"

"El"

"She was seventeen, Liv! Seventeen… she had her whole life ahead of her and I took it away…she was just a baby!"

Unsure of what else to do, I put my arms around him. He lay his head on my chest as his tears began flowing and he wept in my arms. Moments later when he looked up at me and slowly brought his lips to mine, I didn't know how to react and froze as he kissed me; my hands up in surrender as my brain scrambled to react. This kiss felt so right but it was wrong! He's my partner…my married partner…my married partner that I've been in love with for as long as I can remember and right now he's on my couch with his lips pressed against mine as he's pulling me closer; every fiber of my being is on fire!

I should have put an end to it right there. I should have pushed him away, talked to him more… had a drink with him; anything to stop what was happening but instead, I gave in to my feelings and before I knew it, he had taken me to my bedroom where we stripped each other in a fit of desperation, his hands and mouth everywhere, familiarizing themselves with every inch of me; licking, sucking, squeezing...caressing. Before either of us could come to our senses and stop it, he had pulled his mouth from between my thighs after using his tongue to make me come. His body was now on top of mine, his very large shaft pushing inside me, causing me to gasp and cry out. Before tonight it had been a while since I'd been intimate with anyone and in spite of my dripping arousal, I was not at all prepared for the size of him and when he entered me it hurt.

"El, wait!" I whimpered, pushing my hands against his broad chest.

"I'm sorry" he whispered, his beautiful eyes staring into mine while he caressed my cheek. "I don't mean to hurt you... You know I'd never hurt you..."

Those words broke my heart and made me somehow fall deeper in love with him because of the sincerity with which they'd fallen from his lips.

"No, no, it's okay; I just need..." with the way he was looking at me, I lost my words and instead pulled him closer and kissed him. He'd quickly stilled himself, waiting for my permission to move while trying to inhale my very being through his own kisses and after a moment I gave him the signal that it was okay.

Our lovemaking... it was urgent, primal and desperate; he needed to reach out to someone who understood and I needed not only to be that comfort for him, but to feel wanted and desired by this man who I loved to the point of my own heartbreak. Elliot owned me; heart mind and soul he owned me and with the power in which he took my body; greedily, possessively but full of passion as if he were finally claiming what he'd known all along had been his to claim, I was now completely his.

I came repeatedly, at times feeling as if he were splitting me apart but still wanting more... I never got a chance to come down from one climax before he was coaxing another from me and I could barely catch my breath…him going harder...deeper, nearly killing me with the intensity of it all before he finally reached his own climax and came hard, looking into my eyes, searching them, ours searching each other's; speaking a non verbal understanding as I trembled beneath him and he tenderly caressed my face and wiped my tears.

"Are you okay?" he asked in the sweetest whisper, looking down at me, hi fingertips brushing my nipple

"I'm ok" I assured him, my own voice barely a whisper. I couldn't stop my tears from flowing; not just from the beauty of what we'd just shared but because of the guilt that was setting in almost too quickly over what we'd done plus being completely overwhelmed at being here with him like this, in his arms. He's this close to me and holding me and even though he's no longer moving, he's still inside me and it's all too much and I couldn't stop my tears.

"Olivia…" he called softly "Please don't cry" he begged, his own tears falling onto my cheeks.

"We made a huge mistake!"

"Is that what you see this as? A mistake?" there was disbelief in his tone - hurt even.

"You're going through so much right now, I just… I shouldn't have let it go this far."

"No...no, don't say that, I wanted you and I wanted this; we both did!"

"We were wrong" I cried

"Do you regret it?"

"I don't know… I have a million thoughts screaming in my head right now"

What about your heart?"

I knew what he was asking. He was reaching out to me; finally, after all these years he was reaching out, seeking the thing between us that we'd both spent so long trying to deny, to ignore and here he was at the lowest point in his life asking for it, needing it and I, determined to protect him from the destruction that I knew would come from loving me, I turned him away when all I really wanted was to beg him to forget the world and stay here with me, like this, forever!

"You should go" i told him. my own heart breaking as the words left my mouth.

"Olivia"

"Elliot, please." I pled. He paused for a moment then subtly nodded as his eyes again filled with tears. Slowly, he pulled out of me and rolled off, as soon as he did, I got up and fled to the bathroom, locking the door before I sank to the floor and cried. I'd just ruined everything.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Over the next couple of weeks, Elliot became more despondent over Jenna's shooting and sank even deeper into his depression. He'd been on leave since the incident and we'd gotten to a point where we'd barely spoken after sleeping together. He'd tried to reach out but I didn't know how to face him after what we'd done.

By the time it hit me how much he needed me to help him through the nightmare he was going through, it was too late. Between having to face what he'd done and now IAB investigating him for it, he'd become despondent and wouldn't talk longer than a few seconds, seconds during which I could tell that he was in distress. He didn't sound like the same Elliot I'd known and loved all these years…my Elliot. The last time we talked, I'd gone by the house to see him and his appearance shocked me, he'd lost weight and had dark circles under his eyes; he looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. He told me that he couldn't deal with the stress any longer and that he had put in his papers two weeks prior. That hit me like shot to the heart and I'd nearly broken down there in his kitchen but instead, I just bit my lip and tried to bear it as he pulled me close and held me tight. I knew that he wanted to say more, I wanted to say more, should have said more but all that I could manage was:

"I'll miss you, El" I said, my voice unable to hide my hurt. I was literally fighting myself to not fall apart, to not lose it.

"I'll miss you too, Liv" he said a single tear rolling down his cheek although his eyes were brimming with more. "But we'll stay in touch" he said through a forced smile, trying to hide the pain behind it.

As I turned to leave and he took my hand; it sent a chill though me and I shuddered. Why did this feel like goodbye? I wondered as I walked out the door, getting into my car and pulling over two blocks away from his house so that I could break down and cry without him seeing me.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

He said we'd keep in touch, but we didn't and soon he'd stopped taking my calls altogether and wouldn't bother to return them even after I'd leave countless messages. Missing Elliot – and I missed him terribly, had begun talking a physical toll on me in addition to the constant emotional pain. I couldn't focus at work, I couldn't eat or sleep even though I was tired all the time and so irritable; becoming horribly cross with anyone who even looked in my direction for too long and it only got worse. The more I'd try to contact him, the more he ignored me. The more he ignored me, the worse I felt until I was in my own depression and had begun feeling sick. It wasn't until I'd been throwing up for the 5th day straight that I had an epiphany.

I'd run home in the middle of the afternoon so that I could take the test in private and now, I sat there on my bathroom floor, seven weeks after that night with Elliot and I was in complete shock as I held the stick in my hand – positive. I was going to have a baby… His baby! I'm pregnant with Elliot's child; my partner. Who's actually not anymore. My best friend. The one who won't even take your calls? The only man I've ever truly loved. Except you couldn't bring yourself to tell him when he needed to hear it most!

I'm terrified, overjoyed and excited all at the same time, not to mention scared out of my mind because I'm so unsure of what this child's future will be. Elliot and I have a complicated situation here.

"Complicated, my ass!" I sneered out loud to myself "This is a fucking catastrophe!" but then I smiled thinking about the little life inside me and I rubbed my still flat stomach, overwhelmed. I had no idea how we'd navigate the mess we'd created but this baby was a blessing and I refused to see it as anything else.

"Maybe knowing that he made you will be just what your daddy needs to get better." I said to our child, hoping. this baby had suddenly put everything in perspective for me and I couldn't wait to tell Elliot! Even if if he wouldn't return my call, this time I'd go to him and I would deal with whatever fallout I had to but Elliot needed this baby right now! My news, however would have to wait a few hours; Miriam Deng's trial was coming to a close – the new detective- Rollins had called me 20 minutes ago. The verdict was in. I needed to be there.

I stared down at the test one last time…

Be sure of what you want, because once you tell him, there's no taking it back. I heard my inner voice say.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Later that afternoon after court; already feeling cranky and nauseas on top of being pissed at the verdict, I returned to the squad room.

"We handed the jury a mess and they split the baby!" I complained as I walked in

"He's gonna appeal" Rollins said, spinning around in her chair "…claim that that perp walk was prejudicial"

"We'll take a hit…but at the end of the day, with this judge, he'll do a year at Rikers for the lesser charge.

"Gotta come over on the Mayflower to make a rape charge stick." Fin said, obvious sympathy in his voice.

"How'd she take it?" Munch asked

"Hard" I answered as I sat down at my desk. And took a deep breath

"Liv" I heard Don call and I looked up in time to see him walk back into his office. I sighed before getting up to follow him

"Nice working with ya" Munch said as I turned to look at him before continuing to Cragen's office

"I don't think she was lying about being raped" I said as I stepped inside. Don turned and looked at me, his expression was unreadable.

"Would you shut the door please" he asked softly. I was quiet, and had to will my feet to move to do as he asked. Something was wrong, I knew it as I turned to close the door then back to face my captain. I could feel myself getting sick and it wasn't the baby. When I looked closer at Don, I could see pain behind his eyes and it chilled me to the bone.

"I think you should sit down"

"I'll stand" my voice was small, unsure as I tried to brace myself for what he had to say.

"Liv"

"Captain with all due respect, after everything that's happened these last two months, there is nothing you can say that will shock me so spare me the dramatics"

There was a lengthy silence in the room and Don looked down at the floor, dragging his hand down his face before he looked up again at me and I could see that his eyes were wet.

"Kathy called… it all became too much for him. He caved" he said as if he didn't believe the words that were coming from his own mouth

"I don't-" I started as my hand flew to my stomach

"This morning…he killed himself"

I couldn't breathe…why can't I breathe?

"His gun…" Don continued. I couldn't get air into my lungs and my chest began heaving in deep gasps as I gripped the doorknob. WHY CAN'T I BREATHE?! Don's lips continued to move as he came toward me but there was no sound. My head is spinning…I can't breathe and my head is spinning. As he reached for my arm, I felt myself fall just before everything went black; my last thought that registered:

I should have told him that I love him!

This one kind of hijacked me today, I started out trying to update Hers To Bear but this popped in my head literally out of nowhere and I had to write it. I'd love to know what you guys think, good or bad. Thanks for reading.