Title: Subconscious

Author: Risa

Pairing: Zuko/Aang

Rated: K+

Disclaimer: ATLA isn't mine.

Word Count: ~2,550

Summary: Most of all he dreamed of the avatar.

Zuko had always been a vivid dreamer throughout his life. In his childhood his dreams mostly consisted of adventure and successes, which he always delighted in telling his mother. Although his father wasn't very impressed by the skill level of his firebending, Zuko always believed that one day he would catch up to his sister and ultimately make his father proud. His mother told him that, but it also made sense. It made sense for someone who was destined to be great to work hard in order to gain respect.

Then as he got older his dreams became dark, chaotic. When he was exiled from the Fire Nation he not once dreamed of success, but of failure. He dreamed of his ship being toppled over at sea. He dreamed of he and his uncle being torn to shreds in flame, which didn't make any sense. Most of all, though, he dreamed of the avatar. He pictured an old, bald monk on a cloud slipping through his futile attempts at capturing him. He was too sly, too quick, too calm, too wise. Zuko simply didn't have the ability to catch up, and the more he had this dream, the more determined Zuko was to find and capture the avatar, even if he had to singe and scour the entire globe.

He had just about done that when he finally discovered the avatar's whereabouts in the South Pole. The bald monk on the cloud turned out to be a bald kid on a flying bison. Nevertheless, avatar Aang would haunt his every waking and sleeping thought throughout the days. Zuko was obsessed with restoring his honor, chasing something he just couldn't catch. One night in Ba Sing Se he told his uncle about this recurring dream when prodded for the umpteenth time. Iroh had caught him in the middle of a nightmare many times, and after each one he offered to lend Zuko his listening ears. Of course Zuko refused to say anything, brushing it off as nothing until it was just too much. No matter what he did he couldn't stop thinking about what a failure he was, how he was letting down his country and himself by being so weak and so powerless. It was his duty, no, his birthright to capture the avatar. It was for the good of the Fire Nation. If he was unable to fulfill his obligation to his country, his father, then he was better off dead.

"Perhaps you should take a closer look at what you are truly pursuing, nephew," said Iroh, offering Zuko a cup of calming tea to soothe his nerves. Zuko declined, rolled back over and regretted ever having said anything. It was one year since then that Zuko told Iroh about the dream again, which he was having long after he and Aang joined forces. Even after the war was over, and all was well with the world, Aang still seemed to be on the forefront of Zuko's mind. At first he chocked it up to habit, but then he took his uncle's advice and put some thought into what he was dreaming.

His life since his exile from the Fire Nation had been the pursuit of Aang in one way, or another. His first desire was to capture the avatar and turn him in to the Fire Nation to restore his honor. At the time that had been the driving force behind every ounce of strength Zuko had acquired. He would rather fight and die than face his father in shame again. Once he and his uncle had become fugitives of the Fire Nation, though, Zuko's desire to capture the avatar hadn't waned a bit. He wasn't actively pursuing Aang and his group for awhile, but Zuko was counting down the days before his opportunity to triumph came. It was foolish of him to believe a word Azula said in Ba Sing Se, though, that his honor would be restored and his father would welcome him back. It seemed Zuko's pursuit had paid off, but at what price? When he saw Aang fall and die that shattered everything he knew in a matter of seconds. He ultimately followed Azula and the others back to the Fire Nation because that was what he knew. He didn't believe anymore. His heart was empty, his words were empty, and yet he continued to pursue Aang actively in his dreams. It was wild to put so much heart into chasing a dead man.

That was, until Zuko realized that Aang wasn't dead. He was still actively fighting against the nation. His nation. The one Zuko was obligated to serve, protect, and obey as long as he breathed air and bent fire. Aang managed to come back from the dead, and it was just about then that Zuko realized that Aang was on the winning side. Also, he was on the right side. People of the world, benders and non, people of air, earth, water, and even fire, all were suffering, some were dying. Almost every bit of it could be traced back to his father somehow. This was what his uncle was trying show him. He was never meant to oppose Aang in the first place. The reason he could never catch up with Aang in his dreams was because he was running backwards the whole time. He was going in the wrong direction, serving the wrong cause, doing the wrong thing. The actions of the Fire Nation were unacceptable, and it was time for him to catch up.

When he left the Fire Nation in the correct pursuit of the avatar Zuko never had another dream about Aang. At least, not until well after the war's end. He had become preoccupied with the duty of restoring order to the Fire Nation, apologizing to the world, and trying to work up the courage to ask for Mai's hand in marriage. It was basically how his life was intended to be, so he thought, until Aang made a home in the Fire Nation with no place else to go. He taught dance and world views at the schools, and encouraged everyone to smile and have fun. Also, Zuko was talked into doing the dance of the dragon in front of a class, which everyone cheered for and tried to imitate. They would be a great generation of kids, thanks to being raised in a period of peace.

As Aang and Zuko grew closer, he and Mai grew apart. It wasn't like he intended to put his proposal off, but with life as the Fire Lord being what it was his mind and his duties were in several different places at once. After awhile that took its toll on Mai. She wasn't dependent, and she didn't ask for much, but when Zuko unintentionally allowed Aang usurp his bits of free time one too many times she decided she was no longer wanted. That was the first complication to befall Zuko's perfect new life. He tried reasoning with Mai, explaining to her that she was about as transparent as a brick wall and that he couldn't figure out whether or not she was dissatisfied if she didn't say anything. She retorted that when their lives became the occasional romp in bed and not much more that their relationship lost its substance. Zuko disagreed, but there was no getting through to her. She was somehow convinced that Aang had replaced her, and that they'd better end things before the two of them were on bad terms. She lost a friend in Azula, and Ty Lee lived on a newly restored Kiyoshi Island. In other words, Zuko was her only real friend anymore, and she refused to feel lonely with him.

He hadn't slept well for a few days, and Aang patted him on the shoulder and told him how he and Katara went through the same thing. Their relationship started off great, but when Aang played diplomat and started getting popular with the ladies, Katara became less thrilled and decided that she wanted to stay at the South Pole for awhile. They weren't permanently broken up, just on hold.

That didn't make Zuko feel remotely better. He was pretty sure that Mai had ended things between them completely, which did not bode well with Zuko in the slightest. He would have to have an heir someday, and he was generally awkward with women. That was why he liked Mai. She wasn't eager to discuss feelings, or be a nag. She was eager to express her feelings in a very physical way, something which Zuko could appreciate. He was a physical kind of guy, never too keen on words, though occasionally he liked to speak his mind. He usually did at the wrong times, though. This time, though, he was blown off because he didn't share his thoughts and feelings with her as much. What was there to share? His life was no longer a pile of crap, so he no longer had anything to say really. Small talk wasn't his forte.

She wasn't having it, though. If that was how she felt then it was probably for the better.

Zuko didn't feel any better, and the weirdest thing about this predicament was that Zuko's recurring dream about pursuing Aang had come back. There were differences, though. He wasn't angry, or shouting, but he was still just as desperate to catch up. Another difference was that Aang no longer had his back turned toward Zuko, but rather he was facing Zuko. He had his hand outstretched, but every time Zuko jumped up to catch it he missed, and the ground beneath him crumbled and he fell along with it. This dream haunted him almost every other night, and after a month of the subconscious abuse he decided that he should probably have another chat with his uncle about this. Iroh seemed to know more about what his dream was trying to convey than he did. He had a sinking suspicion that the answer he found wouldn't be very easy to swallow, but he couldn't hope to run a nation without sorting out his own issues. That was a grave error that Azula made, and he just couldn't.

So he headed into the stable where Aang fed Appa every morning and greeted his friend. Aang was determined to tell him all about a new firebending technique one of the elders taught him. It involved condensing his fire into concentrated bullets of heat, and where it all sounded, well, awesome, Zuko was completely preoccupied with his destination. Also, seeing as Aang was the source of his discomfort, Zuko wasn't quite in the mood to be spending any time with him.

"Sorry to bring this up on such short notice," said Zuko, unable to look at Aang directly. "But can I borrow Appa for a few days?"

"Sure, buddy. What for? Want me to come along?" said Aang, giving Appa a few pats on the nose. In return he got a lick all the way up his shirt and head. Aang didn't really like to part with his bison, but there was no quicker way for Zuko to get into Ba Sing Se. He didn't have the free time to sail all the way to the Earth Kingdom by ship, then drag his hide all the way to Ba Sing Se by foot. Aang was good for it. Besides, Zuko was the one that provided Appa with a lot of free hay and warm shelter.

"I need to go talk to my uncle-" Zuko averted his gaze to the very... nice bison droppings in the corner. Make that too much free hay. "-alone. It's kinda personal."

"Oh." The sound of that "Oh" did nothing to ease how awkward Zuko felt at the moment.

"Oh what?"

"Nothing," said Aang, turning his back on Zuko. "Actually... forget it.

"Don't forget to let him rest. Appa isn't a machine. He gets tired after flying long distances."

"Wait a minute." Zuko reached out and put a hand of Aang's shoulder, just to have it shrugged off. He didn't know what this was all about, but suddenly Aang's mood wasn't so great. For whatever reason Mai wasn't talking to him now. Did he smell funny, or something? What was he doing to make everyone so mad at him? "What's your problem?"

"I said forget it!" said Aang, whirling around to face Zuko. The two of them stood nearly at eye-level. Zuko hadn't noticed how much Aang had grown in the last few years, but suddenly he felt very small. "Go! I guess whatever you have to say to your uncle can't be shared with me. It's not like I'm your best friend or anything."

"What are you talking about?" said Zuko, his gut starting to boil over with rage. Was it just him, or did he really not deserve to have those he cared most about gang up on him like this? More than ever he just wanted to go and see his uncle, a voice of reason, someone who was actually tolerant of him. He was tempted just to bite back, jeer at Aang for being childish and nosey, and for not cleaning up after his bison. The problem was that he just wasn't mad at Aang, quite the contrary. There wasn't a day in his life where he didn't need Aang, as both his avatar and his friend. Apparently Aang wasn't too happy being second to Iroh in terms of being trusted with Zuko's deepest thoughts and feelings, much like Mai apparently wasn't happy being second to Aang in terms of friendship. He just couldn't make anyone happy, could he?

"Look-" said Zuko, scratching the back of his head. This was getting really, really awkward. "I just want to talk to my uncle first, OK? It's complicated. I do owe you an explanation, though, but later. Please?"

Aang gave him a questioning look. Questions that Zuko didn't want to answer, or just didn't know how to answer. Luckily they were questions that Aang didn't voice. Instead he just sighed and smiled at Zuko.

"All right. Sorry I yelled at you. I am here, you know, if you need me."

"I know." Zuko smiled back and gave Aang's shoulder a squeeze. It was strange for him. Even after all they had been through Zuko didn't quite know how to have a friend. Azula was the one with the friends growing up, and all Zuko could do was tolerate them. Well, he didn't mind Mai of course, but that was different. She went from being Azula's friend to his girlfriend the moment he stepped foot back into the Fire Nation, but he supposed they never did develop that middle ground of friendship. That was too bad. He did genuinely enjoy Mai's company.

Having a friend, though, like Aang. Zuko still didn't know what to make of it. He felt like there was something missing, and his dreams were trying to tell him what exactly. He couldn't figure it out, and he doubted Aang would be able to either. What's more, part of him feared that Aang would take it the wrong way and leave him. More than anything, Zuko didn't want that.

"I'll be back soon. Take care.

"Yip yip."

And with that, Zuko took off.

TBC