Disclaimer: I do not own anything how i met your mother related. I do not own the characters or storyline.
Derailed, we failed to keep our love on course.
Now we lost what's left of any chance that we had.
Derailed, I'm afraid I failed to keep you by my side.
The mistakes we made will keep us drifting farther apart.
What a way to go out.
Her heart is sinking.
Her heart is sinking so fast into her stomach that all she can do is open her mouth and let a million words she wants to say stop at the tip of her tongue.
"I'm engaged."
He smiles, his arm slung around his fiance', whom she barely notices because right now the entire room blurred together. Infact, she doubts he says those words. It doesn't sound right coming from his mouth; a foreign language altogether in her mind. Before she knows what's happening, things are spiralling out of control so much that she has to look to Lily for some kind of reassurance that she did not hear those words at all. But Lily's wide grin and formerly weary eyes were lit up in shock, excitement. She couldn't understand. This was a good thing? Was this a good thing? Lily, is this a good thing? Her mind is screaming all kinds of feelings she does not understand. But everyone is happy and so she she must be happy too, though it doesn't click in her brain why.
Before she knows it, hugs are exchanged, and she is stepping forwards and backwards like a lost puppy, unable to remember how to hug someone. Her lips are curved into a smile that is not her own, and it is slowly dawning on her that she did not mishear him.
Barney Stinson is engaged.
And it is not to Robin Scherbatsky.
It's to this girl. This girl with long curly blond hair.
And they look so right together.
People are talking now, the depth of the news hitting full force. But she can't tear her eyes away from the only person in the room she wants to meet her gaze, though as soon as he does she feels like she's made a horrible mistake. In an instant, all of her walls have come crumbling down and she feels like a child again, but it doesn't take long for her defenses to rise back up. Stick to your guns, Scherbatsky. This is life and you have to play your part. When Marshall, Lily and Quinn leave the room she has already successfully reverted back to her normal self. Afterall, she's been through this so many times now, watching the person she loves love someone else because she was too much of a coward the first time around. Still, she gave him a mock-surprised look though she's not really surprised at all, and numbed out the empty feeling. Just because she made her bed and had to lie in it didn't mean she couldn't keep a bottle of scotch on her nightstand to keep her company.
He grins at her like he's truly content, but as the silence falls between them that expression seems to turn into a different kind of smile... one she swears to this day was full of a hurt she couldn't place.
"Last chance to run away together, door is right there," he says to her, nodding back towards the door.
She doesn't realize how much he means it.
"Yes. Start a new life!" She exclaims, the happiness in her face and body language being painfully fake.
They talk about it like it's a joke, and when she suggests Canada he tells her that Canada sucks, and for the first time in a long time it almost feels like things are right again when she knows they aren't. That becomes all too real when she tells him with frankness that "You're one-quarter Canadian, so by that logic you one-quarter suck," to which he responds with "I'm one-hundred percent awesome and you know it". She cannot stop the words that fly out of her mouth.
"Yeah, I do."
They are gone before she can catch them, and he's smiling at her again with that stupid smile that makes her feel like maybe he could still love her.
Her heart reminds her she fucked that up a long time ago.
So she looks down to avoid his gaze because if she keeps eye contact with him for any longer she is going to break into pieces and that just can't happen today, or tonight, or ever. When she eventually gets the courage to look back up at him, he's looking at her with concern. Smooth move, Scherbatsky. Now he feels bad. She mentally kicks herself.
"Look, I-I hope this isn't weird or anything because..."
Because what?
Because what would you possibly do?
"Barney..." She stops him before he can continue. She can't handle it.
It is fucking weird. It's so fucking weird because I...
"I'm..."
... No.
She shuts that door in her mind.
"I'm really happy for you."
And though she means it half-heartedly, atleast she means it at all. Because even if he can't be hers, he can be someone elses, and he can be happy, like he deserves to be. Regardless if that happiness is without her.
Love wasn't meant for Robin Scherbatsky. Atleast not with him.
"Really?" asks Barney softly, and his eyebrows are furred like he doesn't believe a word she's saying. Like he doesn't want to. Like he wants her to tell him she's lying.
But she can't afford to think that way, so she gives him a smile, one that's earnest this time, because when it comes down to him she really does love him. Through all the bullshit they went through, she knows that though he may never be her lover he will always be her best friend. The one that she could share secrets with, who would never judge her, or tell her she can't do something. The man who never undermined her, or tried to control her life. The guy she could share a scotch with, share a night with and never feel bored or alone. Who even though she took his heart and shattered it because she was too scared, still would be there for her in an instant if she needed it.
Barney Stinson deserved a shot at true happiness.
"Really," she says.