A/N: Hello everyone. It's been a while, yeah?
This was made a few years ago, a little before I wrote Oxymoron and was actually the background story for it. I decided to post it because well…There's not really a reason, I just thought why not?
Reviews aren't necessary, it's good enough you take the time to read this, but I'd appreciate a review if you have something to say.
It dawns on her one morning while she is drinking her morning tea and checking her e-mail account, Natsuki bickering with Nao as usual when the younger girl spends the night at their place for a videogame marathon.
This time they're fighting about who could chug her breakfast faster when Nao accidentally stabs her hand with her knife, little drops of blood staining the beige tablecloth as Natsuki worriedly takes her friend's hand in hers and leads them to the bathroom to control the blood loss and clean the bacon filled wound.
And it scares her. It scares her shitless that she can't be concerned about the well being of the red haired girl when the tablecloth fitted perfectly with the dining room and now it's stained. How it was ruining that perfection. How Natsuki reacted to the same event in a completely different way of how she expected her to. Natsuki should have cackled at Nao and then tell her she owed her a new tablecloth, maybe tell her there was a first aid kit under the bathroom sink and keep on having breakfast.
That's when she starts noticing things.
Like how the list of the things she actually cares about is reduced to two: Natsuki and her job, and everything else can pretty much fade out of existence, how Natsuki cares for her friends so much she goes out of her way to ensure their well being. How Shizuru can't be interested in dogs nor videogames to save her life. How much work it takes to make Shizuru feel satisfied of her work, their home, their life…always thriving to have perfection, while Natsuki was content just by being with her and having a good meal.
Or how her hand is slightly, not even millimeters, too big for Natsuki's and when they hold hands, she has to constantly be shifting them to try and keep them together.
It's the fact that they'd never quite fit together, not really anyways, that starts breaking her insides. Little by little. Realization after realization.
She realizes she never saw Natsuki for what she was. She only saw what she wanted to see. How she exaggerated every aspect of the blue haired girl's personality in her head when they started being friends to the point where she was no longer able to see the changes that time and love had made upon her girlfriend of five years.
She realizes she isn't brave enough to tell Natsuki when her kisses are not stealing her breaths. Not anymore, not for a while. To tell her that when the lights are off she's been pretending to scream in pleasure while all she wants to do is cry. Because she finally starts seeing what Natsuki is, what she always was, and it's too beautiful for Shizuru to even deserve being close to. She's too much of everything Shizuru ever wanted to be but never got close enough to. Too much feelings, too much beauty, too much perfection …Natsuki is just too much for Shizuru now and maybe, just maybe, she always was.
Shizuru thinks as she grabs her purse with her plane ticket inside that sometimes love isn't enough, and really, was it ever?
And that maybe one day Natsuki will understand and forgive her for loving her enough to let her go.