I hate the life I'm living, yet I'm grateful for it.

I love all my friends I've made over the years; my family.

I haven't had the time to be bored as a high school senior with never ending drama while trying to make future choices.

There's just this secret I have that I've never told anyone before. I'm afraid of what will become of it.

I don't want to be me.

I don't want to be anyone else either.

I want to be more, but I don't intend to hurt anyone, or change the bases that make me uniquely.

I'm an outcast.

I'm the follower.

I listen to everyone else.

I want to be known, feared, loved, and above for once.

I can't do this as me.

The people I care about won't apprehend.

Therefore, I must be she.

NOTSOME

She lie on her bed, her calves arched straight up with her ankles twined together. The only source of light comes from the screen of her black laptop she is working with. Her dark brown hair falls down her sharp shoulders, and halfway down her back. Her black, rectangular framed glasses are low enough on her nose, so she pinches them back into place higher up. Her auburn irises blink at the images on screen. She scrolls through a wall of thumbnails with women dressed in trendy clothes. A majority of them have Korean ethnicity, outfitted in Americanized fashion. She looks more to them, rather than the curvy, more provocative American women.

Bzzzzt! Her cell phone, on the side, vibrates. A text message from Christian Kessler.

Christian Kessler Nope XD Idk if I'll be there tomorrow

She pops up the keyboard and responds.

Why?

Christian Kessler Head is killing me x_x

You haven't come all this week.

Christian KesslerI know :/

This is far from trying to make things better

She waits for what seems like almost half an hour for a vibrate response from him.

Christian KesslerI miss you 3

Her patience is drawn thin by then. She ignores (what she perceives as) his way of trying to make up for his lacking by kissing ass. She throws herself on her back to stare at the dark ceiling, taking breaths to clear her mind.

"It's the third week and I've only seen him four days out of the fifteen days of school. It's not anyone else's fault but his own. He chooses to come in late and leave early. For what? Going home to his precious game system? What is he doing to himself? Isn't he lonely?"

She can imagine him trapping himself in his small bedroom, smashing away at the controller buttons and yapping into the headset to his far friends. His bed is just an arm stretch away from the television and game console so he lies in bed amongst a scattered mess of his past meals.

"So then, why is he acting like this? Is it me? Why doesn't he just end this? Or let me? I remember how it used to be..."

During spring-like weather, they would sit outside on a school bench. Those days were perfect and made a beautiful scene with the help of vibrant nature. The way his piercing, blue eyes look at her always makes her smile. They made each other laugh with small jokes and poking ticklish areas. There were points were Christian would lay his head on her chest. She would stroke his straight, brunette hair as if he were a sleeping pup.

His hugs are tight, and she has to turn her head to the side because he is inches taller. On rare occasions, they found themselves in almost intimate moments. That's as far as they've ever gotten in the relationship—it's gone downhill from there; all in the course of about two months.

She rolls back on her stomach to continue scanning through the clothes she likes.

"I'm not happy with him. Everyone tells me to follow my heart and be happy, or to just end it because he's far beneath me. Why don't I?"

She remembers her fun times with Christian and all their other friends; how he is almost always the spotlight. The one doing the outrageous stunts just to make everyone laugh. He makes a fool of himself and, more times than not, ends up scratched and bruised.

"I did. I did try. I told him I wanted to end it. I felt bad, especially since he said he would fix things. I also don't want to lose him as a friend. I know if I end it, I'll never see or speak to him ever again. Which makes me ask myself if I actually do love him. If I'm not even sure of that, why am I dating him!"

She digs her cheek in her standing palm.

"It's because I don't want to be alone. Neither does he, so we put up with what we've got. Well, it's not that I don't want to be alone—it's that I don't know if there's nothing better for me. It sounds silly saying that. Of course I'll find someone. I just don't know if I'll have as much of a deep rooted connection with them as I do with him. I don't have that many people to turn to about this. In times like this I wish I had more friends. It's partially my own fault I don't have very many because I'm not terribly outgoing. I think if I'm ever going to get anywhere that has to change. I need a fresh start, with new people. I've known everyone in my class grade for so long; I'm not very interested in them. I need a new character… How? I've lived here in one of the greatest cities, Seattle, Washington, most of my life, yet I only associate with a few of my classmates out of the hundreds of thousands of people who live here. Meeting new people on my own isn't my strongpoint. Maybe not, but… "

She finds a photo of a casual girl, dressed in a large hoodie and slimming, dark jeans. A cute and simple look.

"Someone else does. Someone who isn't afraid of judgment; who's open to being different."

She slugs over to her closet and pulls open the door. She slides through the assortment of clothes.

"She's unique."

Dark jeans are tossed on the bed frame and she holds up an oversized sweater on the hanger. She then finds a pair of black shoes, she's worn only twice in her past life, in a tossed mess on the floor of the closet. They are as big as her head, stricken with neon green lining, a purple insole, and a lightning bolt running down the outer vamps. The treads are spotless white, almost in a brand new condition.

"A name. I can't reinvent a person with the same name as me. Jade is too worn on me. Hmm… I want it simple, but with power behind it…"

She taps her plump, pink lips with a fingernail.

Outside. Even though it's already dark outside, she can see grey clouds attacking the moonlight from her bedroom on the second-story level.

"Luna!... No, that's too common... Sky?... Sable… No, those are boys' names… Rain? I've never heard of anyone with that name. That's it, my new character is named, Rain!"