The Rajeldon Extrapolation
Chapter 1
The Spike Substitution
Raj arrived home from a long day at work and fixed himself a peanut butter and banana sandwich and ate while he read the newspaper. He scanned the stories about the Republican candidates, glossed over the business and sports sections, and paused for a minute to look at movie listings, but nothing interested him. Wiping his hands on his pants, he decided that he would rather take a warm bath. He turned on the water, pulled off his sweater-vest, and turned, unbuttoning his shirt, to look at his reflection in the mirror. The bags under his eyes looked bigger and darker than they had been yesterday, and his hair, which he had combed within an inch of its life this morning, was sticking up at odd angles. Raj threw his shirt at the laundry hamper, and continued to undress. 'I should go to the gym,' he thought to himself, as he stared at his stomach, 'but it's so far from everywhere. You know what would be awesome? An exercise program where you can get fit by playing video games. I would totally own all of the other guys on the server, and after two weeks… I would be a total beefcake. The ladies would love me. Yeah, that would be awesome'. Raj stepped over to the tub, and lit a few candles. He turned off the tap and threw some bath salts into the water. After turning off the lights, Raj stepped in and let himself sink into the tub, instantly feeling a sense of calm as the warm, fizzy water relaxed his tense shoulders. He breathed in deeply, taking in the aroma of roses. All thoughts of work were released from his mind, and grabbing his washcloth, he began to daydream about her.
It was late at night, and she was walking alone through town. "It's not safe," he wanted to tell her, but instead he began to walk alongside her. Her blonde hair bounced in the cool night air, and the buttons on her trench coat caught the moonlight. "What a beautiful night for a walk," he started, testing the waters, "and it's so clear; you can make out all sorts of constellations… like that one over there…," he gestured up with one hand as he took hers in the other "That's Cassiopeia, the queen. She was named after a mythological Greek queen with long blonde hair. If I had the power, I would change the name of that constellation to Buffy, because you are far more beautiful than any queen I've ever seen." Buffy turned to face Raj, taking his free hand, looked up at him with enormous blue eyes, and finally whispered "You are the nicest, sweetest man I have ever met. You would make any girl happy and I am so lucky to have you." Raj leaned down to kiss her, but as he did, her glance suddenly shifted; she seemed captivated by somebody behind him. She pushed Raj aside and ran toward the mystery man. Raj whipped his head around to see who could be so important to Buffy to leave him, the man she was meant to be with, in the dust. He could barely see past Buffy's writhing body, climbing him; her head bobbing around as she violently kissed him. Spike. It had to be spike. Raj stared in contempt and disbelief. The woman of his dreams had thrown him aside for some platinum-blonde relic in a worn-out leather jacket. He looked again, against his better judgment, but something was different this time. Buffy was still writhing, and Spike was still wearing that damned leather jacket, but... His hair. That wasn't his hair. Somehow, the platinum blonde curls had turned into a mat of straight, dark brown hair. He seemed taller, and thinner, too. The man looked up for a moment, and his eyes met Raj's. Contempt turned to rage as the realization hit Raj. This was not Spike. It was Sheldon. The image of Buffy faded away and all that was left was Sheldon, grinning his evilest of grins.