Shinobi Sensei Naruto!
A/N: I thought I would give this a shot, I will try to make it funny, but I'm more of a physical/situational comedian than I am of a dialectal comedian, something that is required to make funny fan fiction. I'm gonna try and follow canonical events once Naruto gets to Mahora, so expect some story delays there (I have to re-read the manga from the beginning). Also, I can't decide on who Naruto's roommate should be (I'm horribly indecisive about these things), so I set up a poll in my profile, so go vote if you want.
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"Will all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood clean from my hands? No, this my hands will rather The multitudinous seas incarnadine making the green one red." (from Macbeth by William Shakespeare)
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Prologue:
This is a story about a boy, named (Namikaze) Uzumaki Naruto as he struggles against the cruelty and irony that fate, God, the Universe or whatever was out there controlling life and all of it's happenings, threw at him. If one where to ask him, he would just say that things are they way they are because of the multitude of choices made by every one and that maybe some higher deity helped them make these choices, but they made choices and they all had subtle repercussions, and if he was chosen to deal with them, then so be it. He liked challenges. They made life all the more interesting.
To fully understand Naruto's story, you will eventually will have to hear not only his accounts, but others as well, from beginning to end, but we won't start at the beginning. If we were to start there, you would overlook all the small choices and events that would eventually cascade to his current dilemmas. So we will start from the middle because that is the point in time that Naruto believed started the interesting events that would shape his life and how he viewed it. Our story, or rather his, will begin in a wooded hilly terrain, somewhere north of Konoha, and judging by the mountains in the background, very close to the border of Taki no Kuni. And amongst the trees and hills was a small 13 year old boy, accompanied by and older man as the walked aimlessly through the forest.
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Anyone who could look into Naruto's mind would see that he thought a lot. Most of the times these thoughts ranged from science or logic to fantasies caused by the latest fictional novel he just read. How ever if one was to listen in to his current thoughts they would be bombarded with ideas of how to kill and/or torture the person currently next to him, Jiraiya, or "Ero-sensei" as Naruto has come accustomed to calling him. Naruto liked to think he was patient, to some extent. After all he has to deal with his sensei's stupid perverted jokes, late nights spent at brothels, and his horrible peeping habbit. But the one thing he couldn't stand, and the reason for the murderous thoughts was his sense of direction.
"Hmmmmm, I don't see a river at all on this map"
He didn't seem to have any.
"Well since we're lost, how bout we have some lunch, it will probably be a while before we get back on course." Naruto suggested with the agreement with Gamakichi, a small orange frog summon who was riding on top of Naruto's head, as both of their stomaches rumbled in unison.
"We're not lost, we're just taking the scenic route" Jiraiya said as he crumpled up the map and tossed into the river, "I mean, we could have spent the entire trip looking at nothing but trees, but here" He said as explained widened his arms to emphasize his surroundings "Here we have the mountains and a beautiful river and over there in the distance is a town. See things can't get..." Jiraiya looked back at the town he had spotted a moment ago "See look a town where we can regain our bearings and get back on track. And you said we were lost"
All Naruto could do was sigh and follow the perverted idiot into town, all the while, trying to keep himself from killing his teacher. "Hey Aniki" Gamakichi said with a hint of curiosity and concern in his voice, "How long do you think we've been lost?"
"The moment we stepped out of Konoha" Naruto said with another sigh, "That is why I brought all this extra food, I figured he would get us lost for a couple of days, before we end up back at Konoha where I could resupply and take over of navigations."
"Wow, Aniki, you thought of everything!" Gamakichi exclaimed
"You have to when you travel with him" Naruto deadpanned as he pointed to the oblivious man ahead of them, and Gamakichi could only agree with him.
"Hey Naruto! Hurry up and come look at this," Jiraiya said as he waited for his apprentice, "They got a casino! Looks like we can get some extra spending money here" He explained as he pointed towards the large buildings in the town.
Looking at the town Naruto noticed something else that probably got his mentors attention, "By 'we' you mean you want me to get us some extra cash, while you spend all of our existing money a the red light district and public onsen, right?" Jiraiya had the decency to look mildly sheepish, "Fine..." Naruto sighed, "Think of it as my parting gift. I won't be seeing you for a while." unfortunately, Naruto was unsure if Jiraiya even heard the last part, as he was already on is way towards town.
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Things were not looking good for Shizune. Here she was, a young woman of 23 (really 28, but no one has thought so otherwise) and she was spending her morning, as well as the previous two days, trying to earn money to pay off the loan sharks her mentor had met with behind her back. She would have thought that Tsunade would have learned her lesson about loan sharks the first 4 times they dealed with them.
"JACKPOT!!" Rang a nearby slot machine.
"At least some one is getting lucky" Shizune sighed as she sat down on a bench in front of one of casino's in this town. Looking up at the mid-morning sun, Shizune figured she had about 8 more hours to make another 12,800,000 ¥, before their meeting with the loan sharks and the inevitable chase that will ensue when Tsunade fails to pay them back and tries to ditch out on paying them back.
"JACKPOT!!" Shizune looked up as several more slot machines rang out to someone's good fortune. Heading inside to see what was happening, Shizune saw a small boy who looked about 11 or 12 with a cigarette in his mouth as he collected the winnings form the 3 machines that had gotten jackpot.
Figuring that it was some ill-mannered punk who had rigged the machines, she walked up to him to scold him and turn him in to the authorities. As she approached the boy she noticed several things about him that seemed to be a bit off. Like how he had a pair of green goggles around his head, even though they look more like welding goggles than anything else, and how he was wearing a gray long sleeve shirt that fit very loose on him, even though it was the middle of summer, and the last thing she noticed that made her a bit tense as she approached him was the wakizashi concealed under his shirt on his back, almost invisible because of the looseness of the shirt and finally the most notable trait were the three parallel scars on his cheeks that looked like someone tried to carve whiskers onto his face.
"You know if you keep winning like that, people will think that you rigged the machines" Shizune said as she grabbed the cigarette out of the small boy's mouth while he counted his winnings. "and aren't you too young to be smoking and gambling." She continued, as she entered lecture mode, usually reserved for Tsunade after a late night of irresponsible drinking and gambling.
"Normally I would agree with you, but I have to make up the money my sensei is spending right now at the red light district" Naruto retorted as he grabbed the cigarette back and put out the flame on his tongue and and stuffed it in his pocket, "and while I have immeasurable luck at anything and everything related to gambling, people are usually hesitant to let me gable, so I smoke a stick and put up the facade that I'm an older man who is extremely conscious about my height." Naruto then continued to count his winnings before grabbing three coins out of his winnings he went back to the slots.
Shizune sighed "I guess I really can't scold you then, since I'm also trying to replace the money lost by my mentor" She then followed the boy to the slots, "But you shouldn't rig the machines, it is both illegal and immoral."
"I'm not rigging the slots, if you don't believe me, then I'll let you choose the slots I play on" Naruto challenged as he handed her the three coins. Shizune looked at the coins and then at the boy. Unable to argue against the determined look on his face she randomly chose three slots across the room. She then gave him his coins back and watched him as he played each slot, winning jackpot each time. "See, I'm just incredibly lucky, It is part of the reason why he decided to come here in the first place." he then gathered all of his winnings and headed to the exchange counter, "now if you will excuse me"
Shizune looked around the casino, deciding whether or not to try and win the money back, but her morals got the best of her and she left, with Tonton in tow, resuming her search for a way to get at least some of the money before their time was up. "Onee-Chan!!" Shizune looked back to see who was yelling, and was surprised to see the young boy from earlier. "Hey, Onee-chan, how much was it that your mentor lost?"
"She lost a little less than 13,000,000¥, why?" Shizune asked as the blonde fumbled through a back pack he was carrying.
Pulling out a small stack of money, he held it out for Shizune, "Here, this should cover the debt" he said with a wide grin.
As tempted as she was to take the money, and believe me she was tempted, her morals once again showed up and forced her to decline. "I'm sorry, but I can't accept so much from you, it wouldn't feel right" she said as she pushed the money away.
"Think of it as a gift from one student of an irresponsible teacher to another." Naruto said as he tried to once again give her the money. When he saw that she wasn't going to take it, he decided to play dirty, "Are you sure, you don;t want it." Shizune reluctantly nodded, "I guess there is no helping it, I guess I can go buy porn or something with all this extra money."
"Well, if you put it like that I guess I can take it" Shizune said hastily, trying to stop the corruption of the youth, "I can't let a little boy buying such harmful material" She said as she put the money in her wallet.
"You know you should really say that before you take the money out of my hands, and secondly, I'm not little. Well, Bye Onee-chan" Naruto said as he turned around and left, leaving Shizune with a cold feeling down her spine from when he commented on his height. Getting over the cold feeling, Shizune looked at her wallet, she could only sigh in relief as she went to tell Tsunade the good news.
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Feeling good about himself for helping out the woman, Naruto decided to win back some of the money he gave away at a nearby casino (a different one though. He doubted they would let him go back in the other one). So after winning back 6 million yen back Naruto decided it was time to meet back up with Jiraiya so they could leave this town and get back on track. Stepping out of the casino Naruto looked at his watch to try and figure out where his perverted teacher would be.
'Geez, It's already four.' Naruto sighed as he thought about all they time they wasted today, 'Now lets see, knowing that hentai, he probably spent the most of the morning at a hostess club or something, and since it is too early for the brothels to be open, I guess that leaves only one choice' And with that though in mind, Naruto set off to search the local onsens.
After searching for about an hour (this town was a lot bigger than it seemed) Naruto had finally found an onsen with his perverted mentor. Upon entering the mens side, which was surprisingly empty, Naruto saw the old man peering through a small hole in the bamboo wall dividing the two sides. As he approached the older man Naruto could hear him muttering something about their bodies as he wrote down ideas and descriptions for his next book. "Hey Ero-sensei" Naruto greeted him as he walked up the man and swiftly kicked him in the side "We have to get going, it is getting late and we need to be there by noon tomorrow"
"Geez, you didn't have to kick so hard..." Jiraiya complained as he stood back up and resumed his peeping, "Just wait a little bit, there are some hot babes over there" he said as he continued his note taking.
Naruto, being both 13 years old and the student of this man for the past 6 years, had the irresistible urge to look into the other side. So he made himself a small hole to look through and watched the women bathe with his sensei, until the evening sun caught his eye, causing Naruto to remember their time frame and state of being lost. "Shit,we don't have time for this, we really need ot leave now" Naruto said as he had to physically drag Jiraiya out of there.
"Okay, please tell me you have a copy of the map you through in the river" Naruto pleaded as he dropped Jiraiya on the ground outside the small city.
"Maa, Maa. You worry too much Gaki." Jiraiya said as he stood up and started searching his pockets, "Off course I have a copy. How stupid do you think I am?"
"Very" Naruto replied as Jiraiya pulled out the copy, earning himself a punch in the head.
"That was a rhetorical question you dumb ass!"
"What just give me the map so we can get going, we don't have a lot of time." Naruto said as he attempted to grab the map out of Jiraiya's hand, "We don't need to get lost anymore than we already are."
"Hey, Leave it to me, I can get us there in no time" Jiraiya said as he kept the map out of Naruto's reach, which was easy considering on how short he was. It would be an hour before they actually left that spot (Naruto continued to fight for control over the map) and another13 hours before the eventually reached their destination, a small abandoned town in ruins, deep within the forest of Land of Fire.
Naruto looked around the town, even though it was still dark out, he could see a lot of things about this town that seemed off. Like how all the buildings are made of stone, instead of wood or metal like all the other buildings in the Land of Fire, and the fact that these buildings were in ruin and looked like a small amount of wind could cause them to collapse was also unsettling. But what really got his attention was the large wooden structure in the middle of the town that seemed to surround a huge tree, almost as if it was built around it.
"I guess this is where we say good bye, huh" Naruto yawned as he sat down against the tree.
"Yea it is" Jiraiya said somberly, "Be sure to take care of yourself, and to train regularly, I don't need you coming back as a weak pansy."
"Hai" Naruto replied as he tried to regain some of the sleep he lost the previous night.
"Oh and be sure to try and get laid with a cute girl, over there okay" Jiraiya added as an after thought as he began to leave. "I can't go around bragging about my student if he is still a virgin!" Naruto looked at the rock next to him, it was decent sized rock too. If only he wasn't so tired, otherwise he would have thrown it at his teacher's head.
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Naruto didn't remember falling asleep, and he wasn't sure if it was the sense of vertigo or the bright light that woke him, but when he woke up, he saw that he was no longer in the small ruins anymore, but rather it looked like he was on top of a mountain, surrounded by a forest, from what Naruto could see in the moonlight. 'Moonlight, how long was I asleep?' Looking at his watch,Naruto confirmed that it was around 12 in the afternoon. 'I guess the time is different here' Naruto got up and began walking around the tree, which seemed to come along with him, as well as the wooden structure.
After waiting for about 20 minutes, Naruto saw a man approach him. From what Naruto could tell, the man was in his 30's (Naruto thought he pulled it off well) and wore a nice white suit, that made him seem very professional, adding in his neatly trimmed hair and the cigarette in his mouth, Naruto thought the man looked pretty cool. "I'm guessing your Takahata Takamichi?"
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A/N: I'm finally finished, I've been figuring out how to start off this series all summer long and have written 4 other versions of this chapter (each of them very different form one another). Now that this is done I can concentrate on writing more. I want to once again remind to please vote in the poll. so...
Ja Ne.