Disclaimer: I don't own Phantom of the Opera. I especially don't own Gerrard Butler but chances are neither do you. But hey, we can all wish.
The therapist was late. Again. She didn't know why she was always late; it just somehow always worked out that way. As she stepped in with a cheerful smile, she made sure to check out who was looking at who. Strait jacket confined Erik was glaring at Raul with murderess intent, who was staring at Christine oblivious to everything else, who was looking at Meg, who was looking at her mother Madame Giry, who was looking at Carlotta because there was no one else to look at, and Carlotta was looking at herself in a little mirror.
"Hello everyone. Even though you're all here against your wills to be in group therapy, I'm sure you're all still happy little rays of sunshine."
"...Are you crack?" asked Madame Giry.
"I don't know anymore." replied the therapist with an insane smile. "Now let's get started."
"Start what?" asked Meg politely
"Your therapy of course. Each of you has unresolved issues that need to be dealt with in a productive, nonviolent way."
"Yeah, she's defiantly on crack." Madame Giry informed her daughter
"Are you insinuating something?"
"Of course I am Raul. Now, do we have any volunteers?"
The room was completely silent.
"Then we shall start with Erik seeing as he is the coolest person here."
Erik just glared.
"Now come on Erik. How are you feeling?"
"Freaking miserable."
"Good, we have a start."
"I can't be with the woman I love. She would rather be with a fop with hormone issues than with me when she knows that I would do anything for her."
"You poor baby. I wish I could change that or at least throw myself at you in her place but I can't, so let's talk about something we can work through."
"Like what?"
"Well you obviously have self esteem issues because you constantly complain that the world hates you."
"The world does."
"See, that's what I'm talking about. What I want everyone to do is to tell Erik something they love about him and then give him a hug."
Christine went first "You have a beautiful voice. I mean you could sing that you have a very unsightly wart on your big toe and it would sound sexy." She gave him a hug and he smiled.
"Thank you mon ange de le music."
"Wow I love that you can speak French."
"Dude, WE LIVE IN FREAKING PAIRS FRANCE!!!"
"Now that I think about, Erik you are right. And I never realized that."
"Christine, this is the guy you want to breed with?" Meg asked with eyebrows raised.
"Yes Meg it is."
"I don't know why were friends."
"What was that?"
"They should be friends."
"Oh"
"Madame Giry, your turn."
"I love the fact that you are not gay." she said hugging him
"Um...thank you?'"
"If you were gay we'd have some different issues going on. Like you and Raul would be fighting over who would be diva of the year."
"...um, I don't speak gay."
"I DO! And I think-"
"Silence thing from beyond!" shouted Madame Giry
"Beyond what?"
"Beyond the realm of normal people."
"Let's calm down." said the therapist "Raul hug Erik, then shut up."
Both Erik and Raul looked disgusted and uncomfortable.
"Come on Raul." the therapist coaxed
Raul looked distressed as he wrapped his arms around Erik and Erik looked like all he wanted to do was to grab his Punjab lasso.
"Meg please go next."
Meg hugged Erik then thought for a moment before smiling and saying "I love that you dropped that chandelier and in doing so set fire to the opera house."
"WHAT!?" exclaimed everyone at once
"Well I didn't really like it there anymore. My mom's the instructor which means I get worked the hardest and get stage props thrown at me whenever I don't make lead dancer."
Everyone turned to Madame Giry.
"What? So I exert force when I get disappointed. I'm the instructor. I can do things like that."
"You are just as bad as Carlotta!"
"I'ma so nota bad!"
"Yes you are you toad-woman!"
Everyone giggled at the fond memory when Carlotta sang like a toad.
"Carlotta do you have any nice things to say about Erik?"
WE ARE SORRY THE ENTIRETY OF CARLOTTA'S ANSWER WILL NOT BE PRINTED DUE TO HARSH LANGUAGE, SEXUAL REFERENCES, AND OF COURSE, RATED R MATERIAL.
"And that is why I cannot say anything good about "Signor" OG."
Everyone was too shocked to respond. They all had their mouths wide open with shock. Finally it was Raul who broke the silence.
"So...where'd you get the tattoo?"
"Singapore. Do nota go there. They giva you diseases."
Um, Carlotta...even though that was a uh...very explicit answer you gave, you still need to give Erik a hug."
"I refuse. He'sa dropta set pieces ona me and much more."
The therapist sighed and pulled out Erik's Punjab lasso. "I don't know why I always have to do this...Divine Intervention!"
With a speed that rivaled Erik's, she flung the rope around Carlotta and Erik and with a yank, the two were tied together.
"Now hug and forgive!"
Erik and Carlotta, now forced into each other's personal space, didn't like this.
"Maybe we should just hug." said Erik
"I don't want to." whined Carlotta
"Your perfume is suffocating me."
"I really don't want to."
"The room is spinning."
"Isn't there another way?"
"...It's getting dark."
"JUST DO IT ALREADY!" shouted everyone but the therapist
"....I see a light at the end of a long dark tunnel."
"FINE!" Carlotta screamed and gave Erik a quick hug. The therapist then loosened the rope and Erik gasped, choked, and then proceeded to inhale fresh oxygen.
"Air! I love air! Gosh I didn't realize how much I love air."
"Well now that that's over, who would like to volunteer?"
Again, there was complete silence.
"Oh come on! Don't any of you want closure?"
"Of course I want to be closer." said Raul happily "I want to be closer to Christine, to the movie screen, to the beach-"
"Not closer you dumb fop, closure. As in don't you want to get on with your life?"
"I have a life?" Raul asked at the same time everyone else asked "He has a life?"
"Well, maybe not much of one. Why don't you go next Raul? Why do you continue to plague Erik's life even though you already stole his girl and his happiness?"
"He's still mad about that?"
"Hell yeah I'm still mad about that! Did you think that you could just say 'sorry' and everything would be all better? By the way you NEVER DID say sorry!"
"...kinda. I thought that we could still be friends."
"We NEVER were friends."
"All that fighting wasn't just playful banter?"
The group looked at Raul with sheer amazement at his stupidity.
"YOU TRIED TO KILL ME WITH A SWORD!" roared Erik "HOW IS THAT 'PLAYFUL BANTER?!"
"You live in an opera house. I thought the theatrical element would appeal to you more."
"Oh. My. God. You really are that stupid." muttered Madame Giry
"Wait, wait, wait, all that crap was 'playful banter' to you?" Christine asked turning to Raul
"Well I do love you. That part was true, but I thought Erik knew it was for fun."
"The Point of No Return song, the chandelier scene, the fact that he tied a rope around your neck and tried to kill you didn't tip you off?" Meg asked
"I thought he was just trying to upstage my sword fight which was very good if I do say so myself."
"Upstage? UPSTAGE? Well let me tell you right now. I'm about to shove my boot upstage your-"
"There, there my lovely patients. We all need to go back to the loving place."
"There is no loving place here." growled Erik
"So negative." sighed the therapist. "Well, what we should do for Raul? I know! Raul, it is clear that your lack of picking up social clues is astounding. Everyone needs to speak to Raul in very slow and simple terms explaining how they feel in a way the poor challenged boy can understand. Erik please go first as it seems you have a lot to clear up with him."
"Raul,"
"Yes?" Raul piped eagerly
"I'm going to put this as bluntly as I possibly can, which might be difficult as my vocabulary greatly surpasses your mere public school teachings. I...hate you. Pure and simple hate. You are a disgusting, idiotic, fop creature that does not deserve the beauty and wonder that is Christine. I will kill you if I ever get the chance."
"T-th-th-that's s-s-so m-m-mean!" Raul sniffled almost in tears.
"I don't care."
"Okay Christine, your next."
Raul looked hopefully at the woman he so desperately loved almost as much as he loved his My Little Pony movie.
"Raul...hmmm....how to put this....if it wasn't for the fact that Erik killed people, I would never have gotten engaged to you."
"W-w-wh-wh-what?"
"I've always thought of you as a friend and childhood sweetheart, but well you're a fop and Erik is sexy."
"I could be sexy too." he pouted
"No Raul you can't. You do not have that capacity. Cute? Yes. Sexy? No."
Raul burst into tears and latched onto Christine babbling like the idiot he is.
"Eeeeek! Get him off of me!" squealed Christine.
Erik jumped out of his chair and kicked Raul in the face which at least got him off of Christine. He was about to go in for the kill when the therapist shouted "I AM NOT PAID WHEN PEOPLE DIE!"
Erik looked at her "So?"
"Damages come out of your pocket."
Erik shrugged "I'm rich."
"You clearly haven't been involved in a modern day lawsuit." scoffed Madame Giry.
"Kill him!" screeched Carlotta
"Erik please don't kill him." Christine asked gently "He may have molested me but I still care about his mentally challenged well being."
"Yeah Erik." said Meg "The poor dumbfuck can't help that he's a useful as a retarded puppy."
"Plus you don't really want to be on the same side as Carlotta do you?" asked the therapist
Erik sighed. "No I guess not."
"Good." the therapist was all smiles again. "Now go sit down and we'll have Madame Giry say something.
Madame Giry's response was quick "Now that the opera house has been destroyed, you no longer make me money. Therefore you mean nothing to me and I care not about your life."
"Meg?"
"I never cared about you one way or the other. You are just someone I know and have no special meaning to me. However, I am a good person most of the time and do not wish anything bad to happen to you."
"Carlotta?"
WE ARE SORRY THE ENTIRETY OF CARLOTTA'S ANSWER WILL NOT BE PRINTED DUE TO HARSH LANGUAGE, SEXUAL REFERENCES, AND OF COURSE, RATED R MATERIAL.
"And that's how I feel about him."
"So....what kind of body piercing was it?" Raul asked
"Nota ona my face obviously."
"Damn." whistled Madame Giry with eyebrows arched
"Raul do you now have a better understanding of how people feel about you?"
"EVERYBODY HATES ME!! WAH! WAH! AAAAAAAAH! BOOOO-HOOOOOO!"
SMACK!
"Get a fucking grip"
"Thank you Madame Giry." the therapist said. "By the way, you should go next."
"Me?" she asked innocently "I am nothing more than a good business woman."
"Speaking of which, what kind of 'business' are you doing now?"
"Oh nothing much. Just a little deal here and there."
-Cough-"drug dealer"-cough-
"What was that Meg?"
"Oh nothing mom."
"Madame Giry, do you realize that your 'good business' was a key part in stirring up trouble for these people?"
"What do they matter at the end of the day when I get paid? I do my job and sure I might tweak a few things but Erik gives me a great bonus."
"Anda what kinda bonus might that be?" asked Carlotta suspiciously
"You sick little girl! It's not like that! He's like my son kinda, sorta, not really, but still! It's 3,000 francs at the end of week."
She and Erik give each other a smile.
"Okay, well I think you need to know what you greed has gotten everyone into. Am I right Meg?"
Meg looked her mother in the eyes "Mom you are a perfectionist freak! If I don't make lead dancer, you throw things at me and you can be pretty strong. Remember the time you threw A FREAKIN PIANO AT ME?!?!?!?! Then said you had no idea what happened to it and that I was in the hospital for two weeks because I was getting my tonsils removed and still had the nerve to have Erik drop a backdrop on the girl that had gotten the part and force me to be the lead anyway?!?!?! WHAT THE HELLL?!?!?!"
The room was very quiet for a while before Madame Giry looked at her one and only daughter and said "I was just trying to be a good mother."
"I'M MOVING TO AUSTRALIA!"
"That's it Meg," soothed the therapist "let it out. Now you Christine."
"'You told me my Angel of Music was nice and that I could trust him."
"He is. The fact that you wanted the fop was not of my doing."
"You never told me that he killed people!"
"So? He never killed anyone that didn't deserve it."
"What kind of reasoning is that?"
"What? He never killed anyone that didn't deserve it."
"That's true I didn't." interjected Erik
"By the way Erik, do you hold anything against Madame Giry?"
"Of course not! She saved me and let me stay in the like coolest place ever. Plus I get paid! What would I hold against her?"
"Raul? What about you?"
"She wanted me to pay him. I didn't like that. 20,000 francs a month! Can you believe it?! Still, she did help me to save my dear Christine."
"I don't think 'save' is the appropriate term." said Erik sternly
"I SAVED HER!"
"FROM WHAT?! ME LOVING HER WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING WHILE YOU JACK OFF TO YOUR MY LITTLE PONY MOVIE?!"
"Calm down, your turn is over. Back to Madame Giry. Carlotta?"
WE ARE SORRY THE ENTIRETY OF CARLOTTA'S ANSWER WILL NOT BE PRINTED DUE TO HARSH LANGUAGE, SEXUAL REFERENCES, AND OF COURSE, RATED R MATERIAL.
"And that's all I have to say to Madame Giry."
"So....you worked as a stripper?"
"Yes."
"Well then," said the therapist "we are left with Christine, Meg and Carlotta. I think it would be best for Christine to go next."
"What can I say? I'm gorgeous, talented, I have men swooning over me, I can get either of those two to do whatever I want and basically I live a dream as long as I play the defenseless little ingénue."
"Well someone's full of herself." muttered Madame Giry
"I do believe Christine harbors her own plans that include no one but herself."
"No it cannot be!" cried Raul "She loves me!"
"Is that what she told you?' asked Erik
"Well, not exactly, but action figures spake louder than worlds right?"
"You dumb fop! The phrase is 'actions speak louder than words.'"
"Well I was close."
"No you weren't."
"Shut up both of you!" shouted Christine. "Gosh I try to do the best with what I got, but these two? Ugh."
"Do you even like them?" asked Meg
"Well, they have their uses."
"You have no intension of marrying Raul do you?"
"No! He was just easier to work with than Erik. If I was to stay with him I would've been trapped in that dark dungeon he calls home. Raul on the other hand? I say yes to a 'secret' engagement and have him fight and later when I break it off, I don't have to worry. Look at him. What's the worst he can do? Whine and beg for a month? He's much easier to shrug off than Erik."
Raul burst into tears.
"I don't know whether to laugh Raul's pain or cry at my own." said Erik
"I'va always said she wasa a bitch." said Carlotta smugly
"You are one cruel woman." spat Madame Giry
"What?" asked Christine all defensive "You would say it's 'good business'"
"Well, things seem to have taken a rather dark turn." said the therapist
"Let's see here....Christine, if Erik stopped killing people and got proper housing would you marry him?"
"Yes I would."
"Erik?"
Everyone watched as the man who proclaimed his love for the Christine more times than they could remember had an out loud inner battle.
"I need to get a house anyway. But then I would have to get a job! I would have Christine though. On the other hand she's been deceiving me all these years, but I did that to her too. I've never killed anyone who didn't deserve it but Christine says no but then again if Christine doesn't find out-"
"You do realize that you're speaking out loud right?" interjected Christine
"Christine do you really love me?" Erik asked with genuine hope and love in his eyes."
Christine however did not meet them "You are really sexy and your singing is freakin hot."
"Yes but do you love me?" Erik asked again
"Love is such a strong word. How about infatuation and physical attraction?"
"Physical attraction?" Erik perked
"Um well, the whole mask thing works for you and uh you look better with black hair. But leave everything below the neck alone."
"You...just love me for my body?! What about the music that I've written, the opera I've composed, my mini stage and dozens of pictures of you, and the fact that I had a full life size identical replica of you in a wedding dress?!?!?!?!?!?"
"See, that was just creepy."
"You don't love me!"
"Well when you put in all those nitty, gritty, unnecessary details in...I guess the answer would be...no."
"Erik started to cry and fell on the floor next to Raul and the two of them sobbed together."
-sob- "She doesn't love me" cried Erik
-Sniff - "Join the club." said Raul
After a long while of uncontrollable and intense sobbing, Erik got up and sat back in his chair.
"I'm done now." he said regaining composure
Raul was still on the floor and had fallen asleep.
"Okay then, the only one left is Carlotta."
"I'm perfect. What do you have to say about that?"
WE ARE SORRY THE ENTIRETY OF EVERYONE'S ANSWERS WILL NOT BE PRINTED DUE TO HARSH LANGUAGE, SEXUAL REFERENCES, AND OF COURSE, RATED R MATERIAL.
"AND THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT!"
Carlotta by this point had passed out and had traces of foam at the corner of her mouth.
"That was...uh...wow....you people really hate her." the therapist stated "So....who was the poor dude you drugged to make out with her?"
All fingers (except for Erik's) pointed to Raul
"Damn. You must hate him too."
Everyone nodded.
"Well that was a lovely first session." Smiled the therapist "I can see we made great progress, I can't wait till next week. Everyone think about what they need to do now"
"I need to move." stated Meg getting up to leave "Somewhere far away where no one can find me."
"I need liquor." muttered Madame Giry walking out the door
"I need to find some guy and destroy his life." said Christine following
"I need to watch My Little Pony." sniffled Raul as he got off of the floor.
Carlotta had by now woken up and said rather loudly- WE ARE SORRY THE ENTIRETY OF CARLOTTA'S ANSWER WILL NOT BE PRINTED DUE TO HARSH LANGUAGE, SEXUAL REFERENCES, AND OF COURSE, RATED R MATERIAL.
"So…how exactly do you plan to do that legally?"
"Did I saya I would do it legally?" Carlotta smirked before turning to leave
"Point taken. Just try not to get arrested."
"I need to get out of this strait jacket." seethed Erik.
"Oh no you don't."
"What?! This 'therapy' is over, is it not?"
"Oh it is but I never let the really sexy- I mean dangerous(ly sexy) ones go."
Erik narrowed his eyes.
"Don't panic I'm not going to go fangirl rape on you. (not today anyway) Into the closet you go!"
"HEY! NO! WAIT! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! HELP! HELP!"
"Now just stay there until next week. I'll pull you out before the next session. Promise. Well night. I'm going home!"
"WAIT! YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME HERE!"
"Is someone in here?"
"……hi."
"Who are you? I can't see in here!"
"I forgot my name. It's been so long."
"What the hell does she just stick people in here and forget about them?!"
"……I've been so lonely in here……let me….."
"HEY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! GET OFF OF ME! NO! NO STOP! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The End
Authors note: Hoped you liked it. If you happened to have also seen Sweeney Todd, I did a group therapy fanfic for that too. Just trying to put it out there.
Click on the little button, you know you want to.