I am free as a dust in the solar wind.
And as lonely as the dust beaten through the empty, vast voids of merciless space. Although I am being surrounded by the people who admire me somehow and see me as their leader, considering me as the one capable to bear the responsibility I am still somewhat amazed by my constant mistakes turned on to be reasonable moves. Yet, still the person I value and cherish the most blames me for the decision I wasn't able to I cannot falter, cannot lie down in immense despair surrounding me. Cannot show the doubt only one person was able to erase. He denounced me publicly, denied my humanity and I feel like I cannot even trust myself now. So how am I to trust others? Are they my genuine friends or just surround me as their last chance to fulfill their agendas? And finally - do THEY believe I am still the same Evangeline they fought arm in arm with on Ilos and Noveria? AM I STILL THE SAME?

Evangeline finished her last drink and poured herself a second one. Her desk was full of empty bottles and dirty glasses while she, the famous Commander Shepard was lying curled under the dirty bedsheets. She slipped in and out of inebriated slumber knowing she was neglecting her duties to the crew, galaxy, everyone. "You know what? Screw galaxy. Screw duties". It was the third day of her spiralling downward and she was fully aware that on Alliance ship she would be severely punished for that kind of behavior, but this was Cerberus ship and she could do whatever she wanted. After the confrontation on Horizon, after seeing how Kaidan denounced her and turned his back on what they have shared together she was unable to face the day, to keep herself together. She looked in the mirror. Her greasy red hair was hanging miserably in streaks before her eyes, which looked like two black holes burned in her pale face. Like a soulless creature she probably was. Soulless creature he saw in her eyes. Maybe another glass of golden liquid. And another. She didn't even think about stopping drinking knowing what waits for her. The unpleasant reality of being painfully rejected and oncoming rebellion of her intoxicated body weren't something she wanted to face. So she succumbed to the golden liberation of whisky, feeling as the dark womb of unconsciousness closed around her.

- How did you not manage to notice your own commander was drinking herself to death in her own quarters?
The voices were unnaturaly sharp. They hurt Evangeline like a thousand knives, and nothing was able to shield her. Where was she? Did she black out? This wasn't her bed.
-How about respecting her privacy? She was stuck with grief. I would do the same If I was her, Miranda.
-You would drown your doubts in massive amounts of whiskey and die in a dirty, smelly shithole of a room? If the whole crew holds this attitude I highly doubt we are to accomplish something.
-Well, you are cold even comparing to a Turian. That is definitely impressive. Garrus. She recognized this familiar voice, dripping with massive amounts of irony. Tried to lift her eyelids. Each one weighed a thousand tons and sharp, cold light of Normandy's medbay brought physical pain. She moaned.
- Oh, Serrice princess is waking up. Hello there. - Garrus greeted her trying to sound as lighthearted as possible, although some dark undertones were humming in his voice.
- I know I should wake you with a kiss but your breath alone would make me shitfaced in a minute.
- Garrus! - Karin Chakwas berated him sharply. - this isn't a right time for that kind of tomfoolery.
- Why am I here? - Evangeline started to regain consciousness and realize there is a large black hole in her memories of past days. Then the sudden realization had hit her with all it's ugliness. Oh well. That's why I've been drinking.
- You have stayed in the Boozeland for so long you have almost decided to stay that I am blaming you, after all.
- Evangeline, you should have come to Medbay if you had any problems. We have a psychologist on board. I could have administered some meds to you. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems.- Chakwas tried to reassure her.
- On the other side, milk doesn't help either.
- Garrus!
- I am just trying to act as a relief. Calm down!
- What happened to me? Why am I not in my quarters? - Evangeline inquired, rising slightly on her cot. The world had spinned violently around her.
- You drank so much you actually had alcohol poisoning and was severely dehydrated. Do not worry, I managed to put you back into balance.
- And I am officially angry for not inviting me to drink with you. - Garrus paused under the fiery stare of dr. Chakwas. Spinning started to subside and Evangeline sat on the cot.

"I feel like trash.I probably am one".

She felt the gaze through the room and saw Miranda, staring at her with contempt and utter disdain. The perfect doll. This was too much for her.
- I need to take a shower.
- Ok, see you on dinner. You should really eat something. Look, skin and bones, - dr. Chakwas was really concerned.

Shepard got up heavily and headed to an elevator. Her quarters were cleaned up - there were no sign of bottles, bedsheets were white and fresh and clean clothes hanged on the chair. She felt humiliated that someone was forced to enter her private space and clean this terrible mess, witness the empty bottles, stained bed and her, unconscious and reeking of old whiskey, close to death. She disrobed quickly, turned the hot water on and leaned her back on tiled wall. Her tears mixed with water, undistinguishable like rain on the glass pane.