The Assignment
I have done undercover work before - by myself, or with Lee or Francis. But not like this. Not as deep, nor as involved as this. Not as alone. I am alone in her life, and I would never admit it to anyone, but I'm scared. Every moment that passes here blurs the line between the real and the fallacy, the 'me' and the 'her'. I find myself wondering if the things I do and say and think are still my actions, words and thoughts, or have I been corrupted, contaminated. This infiltration began in the spur of a moment, on my part at least, and I consented to participate eagerly, recklessly without thought of the consequences. I suppose that is the way it always is with me. I have since found out, it is also the way with her.
I'm not her. Every part of me that is still me denies any similarity between the two of us beyond face value. But it nags at me, even as I feel relief, that all these days and hours in each others' company making sense of the impossible, fighting crimes of such unimagined magnitude, and saving lives, that they haven't yet realized that I am not her. It is almost a challenge, albeit a dangerous one, and it makes me push, little by little, at the barriers they know she keeps around her – a color here, a spontaneous laugh there, loud and unburdened and free; a touch, a kiss, an invitation for more.
I don't know how or when it happened, but when I say his name, in the quiet of my own reflections, between the fantasy and the dream, or in a scream, and another, within that same fantasy and dream, the 'more' has become increasingly 'real'. When he finds out, I fear that this betrayal will be the true end of my world. I don't think the Secretary realizes just how much emotions drive his son's actions. When Peter finds out...
I have a job to do. I have a world to save. I am a soldier. And yet, I find myself regretting my part in this assignment. There are no monsters here. They are just people living their lives, protecting their own and keeping each other close. They have no intention of destroying my world. They never had. The only one I know who hides a monster is her, and I know because that monster is me.