Four steps to losing your mind

This is my first Vampire Diaries Story.

Hope you enjoy :)

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Ok. So don't get me wrong I may live in mystic falls, hang around with a History Teacher, live with my brother aka 'The Ripper', I may have to deal with vampires, werewolves and saving Elena's life daily. I may hang around occasionally with Elena's little group of friends in the grill, I may often hear bits and pieces of their non-supernatural conversation but I certainly do not care. I am not interested in their daily comings and goings. Or who is going out with who. Or who is sleeping with who. Or what Caroline's big secret is. Ok? I don't.

To be honest all I care about is getting drunk and drinking blood. Ok and Stefan. And Elena. And Alaric. And Liz. That is it. And Jeremy. No-one else. Although Barbie isn't too bad.

You know what? Sue me. Fine. I care about Blondie too. I wouldn't go so far to say the same about the judgy little witch. But I would feel sad if something ever happened to Caroline. I mean, hey, I feel remorse for the way I treated her when she was human. I really, really do. I am not sure if I have ever apologized to her and said sorry but I do feel bad.

I know what Elena would say right now 'I don't know why you never let people see the good in you, Damon' well Elena maybe it is because I like being the bad brother. The hotter, bad brother. It didn't stop her from begging me to sleep with her last night. Ok well when I say sleep I actually do mean sleep. We just lay next to each other and cuddled. She doesn't want anything else to happen before she talks to Stefan about us being together properly. So, what was I saying about being bad…

Anyway, yes I do not care about whatever Vampire Barbie's big secret is. Or why she has been acting strange and mysterious recently. Or why she is never around that much anymore annoying me. Well maybe, I would kind of like to know now. See Elena won't stop going on about it. How she hardly sees Caroline anymore and when she does she is not acting herself. So, maybe now I want to know what's going on. Anything so I can stop hearing about all this teenage drama. Where, in between the werewolves, trying to keep Stefan off human blood, killing other Vampires, those bastard Originals and helping Elena transition into a Vampire, do they have time for teen drama? Speaking of those damn Originals they have only gone and ALL moved here. Every one of them. Except Finn. Because we daggered that biatch.

Apparently all has been forgiven in the Original household and they want to be a family again. Why they had to do it in mystic falls is anyone's guess. Saint Stefan initiated some kind of peace treaty. Where if they insist on living here they cannot kill or cause havoc or cause any harm to us. THEY ALL AGREED. Even Klaus.

Absolute crap. Kill them all I say. Except we no longer have any white oak daggers.

Anyway fast forward a couple of months after Rebekah tried to kill Elena, Klaus being in wolf boy's body and me meant to be leaving town. Everything Changed. Elena is a vampire. Me and Elena are now together sort of. The Originals are no longer a threat, apparently. Wolf boy ran off with his pack of unsired hybrids and Klaus has not tried to kill anyone. One big happy Mystic Falls family.

Maybe now we are living in peace I can figure out the big Blondie mystery. Something to do around here I suppose. It's actually kind of boring since we stopped plotting to kill people. Detective Damon to the rescue, Elena. I shall find out what is going on and hopefully by the time I have, you will have spoken to Stefan so, I can retrieve my reward.

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Right, Step one: Find Vampire Barbie.

We are all at the grill. Come. I miss you x

Easier than I first thought. Thanks Elena for that text.

I stalked into the grill and saw the usual group; a head of blonde hair amongst them as I walked over Elena was giving me definite eye sex. I tried to telepathically speak to her please speak to Stefan soon, please speak to Stefan soon. I ordered myself some Bourbon and sat down.

With the hour she was there I can safely and conclusively say that yes there is something up with Blondie. I couldn't put my finger on it. It was the way she spoke. Something was wrong with her accent not that it had changed dramatically there was just a subtle difference in the way she pronounced certain words. It was as if she had been on holiday somewhere and had spent too much time around other people so that there accent had rubbed off on her slightly.

She also seemed even happier if that was even possible. Surely she would be sad that wolf boy had disappeared with that wolf girl – whatever her name had been.

She had also lied. When she said she was leaving Elena, Bonnie and Matt tried to get her to stay.

'Come on, Care we've barely seen you all week'

'Can't you stay a bit longer?'

'Sorry, lovelies, I wish I could but I promised my mom I would be home for dinner. She wants some mother-daughter bonding time' and then she shrugged, hugged them all and left.

Liz didn't need her home tonight. There was a council meeting in about an hour which Liz had specifically herself told me about. Not that I mentioned this. But she definitely did not need to be home. Very strange indeed.

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'Do you think it's because she doesn't like the fact I am a vampire?' Elena asked, tears in her eyes.

'Of course not, Elena! Maybe she really did have to get home' Bonnie tried to reassure her.

Yes, that's right witchy. If anyone's got a problem with her being a vampire it is you.

'Damon? What do you think?' Oh great. Is this what being a boyfriend entails? All this drama?

'Elena, I seriously doubt that Vampire Barbie has a problem with you being a vampire. You know, considering she is one herself. Maybe she is missing wolf boy. He did just skip town after all with another girl'.

'But that was months ago. I would have thought she still couldn't be upset. I don't know. But she is avoiding us'

I sighed. 'I'm going to have to go. I need to stop off at home do you need a lift or are you going to stay here?'

'I can drop her home' The witch glared at me. Geez I was only offering to drive her. I rolled my eyes and proceeded back to the boarding house. I got a text from Elena sorry about Bonnie. She will lighten up eventually. Come around again later? ;)

Man, this council meeting better not take long.

As I pulled up the drive, I noticed Blondie's care was also there. Strange. I could hear laughing. I zoomed in to find Stefan wearing a suit. Yes a suit. With Blondie trying to fix his tie.

"What are you two doing?" I asked suspiciously staring at them. That is when I noticed Blondie's change of appearance from the grill. She was now wearing a dress and heels. Her hair was different too.

'I thought you had a council meeting now?' Stefan asked, dodging the question.

'I do. I came back for a meal before I went when I heard you two up here. I thought you had to get home for a "mother-daughter" bonding session' I glared at Caroline.

'I erm I'

'She does' Stefan interrupted 'She is surprising Liz, after the meeting, with a meal. She asked me to help cook' I glanced at his suit 'and she just came around to invite me to stay to eat too.'

I glanced at Caroline who bobbed her head frantically.

'Hence the suit' Stefan coughed.

Blondie then grabbed Stefan's hand and they both ran out uttering a 'See you later. Don't tell my mom it will ruin the surprise'.

What the hell just happened? Blondie lying to come and see Stefan. Both dressed up to the nines. Both lying about this bullshit of a meal. Were Blondie and my brother going on a date?

No.

That couldn't be happening, right?

My phone buzzed. It was a text off Liz asking where I was. This would have to wait till after the meeting.

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Step two: Find out if Caroline and Stefan were dating.

Stefan didn't come home last night. I was about to go to Caroline's and see if he was there when Elena text asking where I had gone and to come back. Who am I to argue with the doppelgänger?

If they were seeing each other that would make things easier for me and Elena. So it couldn't be a bad thing. Just strange. I decided to confront Stefan later that day when we were both home. But later never came. I left Elena's and waited all day. But he never turned up. I rang him a ton of times. He never picked up. I drove over to Barbie's and no-one was home.

To be honest I couldn't remember when, in the last month, I had seen Stefan properly. Or when we had both been at the boarding house together. If I wasn't going to council meetings, or drinking with Ric I was usually with Elena. When I was at home, Stefan was never here. Maybe he and Blondie were always together? I sighed. If this was the big secret I was kind of disappointed. I wasn't sure whether to break it to Elena yet unless I had concrete evidence. Would she be upset that her ex-boyfriend and best friend were now dating? If she was would that mean she still loved Stefan?

Oh shut up. I sound like Stefan. All I need now is a diary and an insane amount of hair gel.

I decided to wait outside their school tomorrow afternoon. That way he and Barbie had to tell me what was going on.

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Step Two Part B: confronting Stefan and Caroline.

It did not go as expected.

At first I was quite smug. They walked out of school together Caroline had even linked her arm through his and they were heading straight to her car. I didn't think they could be any more obvious. Yet when I went up to them and asked point blank 'Are you two fucking?' their response is not what I had anticipated. They looked at each and burst out laughing. And yes before you say it – Stefan actually laughed.

When they finally calmed down, Blondie wiped her tears away and had the audacity to say 'Damon, I didn't realise you were so funny'.

'If you two aren't shacking up then what is going on? Why are you spending so much time together? Why are you both never around?'

They both laughed again. 'Brother, if you can't figure it out then we are not telling you.' He turned to Caroline 'maybe we aren't being as obvious as we thought'. Then they both got in her car and drove off. I was fuming to say the least.

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Step 3: Find out what the fuck is going on before I kill someone.

I realise now I probably should have followed them. Perhaps if I go back there tomorrow I can follow them then. Yes. Good plan, Damon good plan indeed.

'So I spoke to Stefan today'.

WHAT. Fuck Caroline and Stefan.

'What did he say?'

'He was really, really ok with it. I thought he might be a bit upset but he took it really well and said he already knew because we weren't being that subtle about it' Elena replied smiling 'when I told him, we decided to wait before going any further, he just laughed and said we shouldn't have bothered'.

Hmmmm. 'Are you okay with that? That he seemed so fine about it?' I questioned.

She smiled at me 'yeah Damon. I will always love him and care about him but I am in love with you now. I just didn't want to hurt his feelings, you know but he seemed fine. In fact the way he laughed off the two of us waiting thing made me think perhaps he hadn't waited'

'Huh?'

She laughed 'You know. Like he's been seeing someone or sleeping with someone'

So, he and Caroline had LIED to me.

'Who do you think she is?'

'Damon. I have just told you that Stefan is fine with us and all you want to do is discuss his love life?' She raised her eyebrows and put a hand on her hip. Good point Elena. I was suddenly filled with desire and gently placed my hand on her face. Our lips collided and our clothes were ripped and tossed aside. I threw her onto her bed and continued to have the best night of my life.

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Step 4: Do not get involved with Teenage drama ever, ever again.

After last night with Elena my life now felt almost complete. I had never been happier. And as soon as I had figured out what the hell was wrong with Stefan and Caroline everything could be great. So, I went through with my plan and waited for them after school. They walked out together again, arms linked and got into her car. I had compelled someone to let me borrow their car and kept a few cars behind them so they wouldn't realise it was me. I was so concentrated on being stealthy that I had not realised where Blondie's car had stopped.

The Original house.

I drove off and parked somewhere else before super speeding back to the house. I stood outside and listened.

'STEFAN. Nik is being horrible to me he keeps sayin-'she became silent mid-sentence.

'Baby! I have missed you all day' - that came from Caroline.

'I've missed you too, love'.

'Oh look at all you lot. So in love it is sickening, now where is my B-'

Bonnie.

I jumped out of shock. I was so disgusted by what I had been listening too I hadn't realised the witch had arrived and was standing in front of me.

'What are you doing here, judgy?'

She looked down sheepishly and laughed.

'BONNIE, BONNIE is that you I can hear laughing my darling'. Kol opened the door well no, he actually pulled the door off its hinges and ran to the witch smiling and jumping up and down. 'I have missed you' he bent down to kiss her but the witch simply coughed and pointed at me.

'DAMON! What on earth are you doing here?!'

Was he always this excited? Really?

He grabbed witchy by the arm and pulled her into the house. I followed. Dreading what I was about to see.

Rebekah was on Stefan's lap. Blondie was on a kitchen counter with her legs wrapped around Klaus's waist and her arms around his neck deep in an embrace. The witch was standing next to Kol, holding his hand.

'You've figured it out then, Brother?' Stefan smirked at me looking all smug.

'Can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on here?'

'Oh, isn't it obvious Damon. I am in love with your brother, Klaus and Caroline are at it like rabbits and Kol cannot stay away from the witch.'

Caroline finally removed her lips from Klaus's 'And to think you thought me and Stefan were a couple, Damon'

'What?!' The evil hybrid looked angry.

'Oh shhh Nik. No time for your jealousy right now' Rebekah said before Stefan placed a kiss on her lips.

'Yeah Nik' Caroline added playfully punching his arm 'No time for your jealousy when we have plenty of other things we could be doing' she smirked at him. With a slight growl, Klaus threw her over his shoulder and they were out of the room in the blink of an eye.

'Oh great. Someone pass me some ear plugs. I beg of you'.

I felt like passing out. Was there anyone in this god forsaken town who was not fucking an Original Vampire?

'Kol what have I told you about that front door. I am fed up of having to replace it. I had to compel the handyman because he wondered why exactly he had been here 26 times in the past month.' Elijah walked into the room. And on his arm was Elena.

I spoke too soon.

WAIT WHAT.

I hissed. 'Elena what the hell are you thinking. What are you doing here?'

'Oh Damon. Still can't tell us apart I see.'

Katherine.

I looked her up and down. Black jeans. Black Heels. Curly hair. Katherine.

'Katerina my dear be nice. I think Damon has had quite a shock'.

A shock? A SHOCK? No I have just witnessed something that years and years of therapy will not be able to repair.

I stormed out of there. Praying that Elena had not known about this all along.

This is the last time I ever, ever get involved with drama of the non-supernatural kind.