"Twenty minutes, tops."
"Jack, they're not that bad"
"You're right. Fifteen minutes. Ten of those minutes we will spend getting to and from the front door. Your pregnant, so they'll excuse us for it."
"Yeah, I'm pregnant. You, however, should be capable of walking without looking like a ninety-year old with arthritis, Jack."
Elsa would never have thought that the hardest part of her pregnancy would be trying to pacify her nervous husband while meeting his parents. Sure, she had met his parents several times before, but this would be the first time they would officially meet the Frosts without, as Jack liked to call, the protection of the public eye. According to her husband, if she thought his parents were embarrassing in public, they were worse in the comfort, and his discomfort, of their home.
"A safe word. That's what we need."
"Jack, that's not necessary-"
"Star. Cup. Tattoo...monkey?"
"I'm serious. You are blowing this out of proportion-"
"Gang. Pineapple. Squirrel. Wizard!"
"-Jack. Wait, wizard?" Elsa looked quizzically at the white-haired man next to him, who with the crazed look currently in his eye coupled with his white hair could have passed for a Dumbledore Jr.
"What about water? It's subtle and there shouldn't be anything out of the ordinary that way." Elsa reasoned, giving up on trying to talk any sense into her husband. She learned that her pregnancy made him hormonal for some reason.
"Okay, water. I like that." Jack said, reassuring himself that this would not be like the other times he brought his girlfriends home. Just as he was beginning to calm his nerves, the familiar sight of the Christmas decorations that adorned his parents' house year round came into view and he could feel any previous hope he had flee faster than his ex-girlfriends.
Having expected his parents to be pacing the front yard of their house like guard dogs who were eager to pounce on their new daughter-in-law, Jack was surprised to see the yard empty. It would have been a pleasant surprise if it weren't for the presence of a red convertible, or the 'Man Sleigh' as North likes to call it to Jack's chagrin, in the driveway. The fact that the car was home meant that his parents were home. And the idea that he and Elsa had not already been jumped unsettled him.
"Elsa, honey." Jack began cautiously, putting a protective arm on her protruding belly.
"Hmm?"
"Remember that I did not choose my parents." he continued slowly.
"What?" Elsa turned her upper body to look at her husband who at this point had broken out into a cold sweat.
"Whatever happens, remember: divorce is not the answer." Elsa would have taken this statement as a joke if it weren't for the serious look in his eye and his set jaw. Deciding not to insult him by laughing at his worries, Elsa merely put a reassuring hand on his thigh.
"Stop exaggerating. Now come on, the sooner we meet them the sooner we can leave if that makes you feel any better." That actually did make him feel any better, and that phrase alone was enough to get Jack up and moving, dragging his wife with him to the front door.
Walking up to the Rudolph bell, Jack pressed the nose only to be met with the echoing reindeer jingle. And nothing else. No parents. No shoving him to the concrete as they ambushed his wife. Nothing.
"Did they forget maybe?" Elsa asked after 5 minutes of waiting outside.
"Impossible. Dad nearly made me get matching tattoos of the date on my pinky after I pinky promised that I would come." Jack sighed. massaging his temples at the memory.
"Then call them."
"Can't. Dad doesn't believe in the 'government tracking devices' and mom's phone is out for repairs. I was calling her and Dad tackled the poor device to the ground in his 'eagerness' to remind me of today. It has been 3 blessed weeks of peace since then." Elsa could see Jack lose some of his worry lines at the thought of his father not being able to contact, and therefore, bother, him.
"Don't worry, though, I can get us in," Jack muttered as he jogged up to a Santa Claus light in the middle of the yard. Curious as to what he would do without the thing, Elsa watched in growing horror as Jack proceeded to enter his hand into the stuffed figure's pants.
"Jack...what are you-"
"Got it!" Jack grunted and Elsa could only blush at the context of the situation. So this is why people are supposed to meet the family before they marry. If only I had known this before-
Her thoughts were interrupted by the sight of her husband raising a key triumphantly from the pants of the violated figurine.
"People never think to check here for the spare key." Jack thought aloud with a proud smirk on his face. Well, he is certainly his father's son. And while Elsa had to admit that he was right about the strategic placement of the key, she questions whether a house that hides its key in Santa's pants would be worth breaking into.
"Now let's just get this over with," Jack said as he strolled up to the door. Entering the house, the couple instantly stilled at the sight before them. "Mom, Dad, I'm ho-"
Elsa learned that day that her developing child could never know that he or she has paternal grandparents.
In front of the young couple was Jack's dad. In only his candy cane trousers. This alone was horrifying enough to burn the eyes of any innocents; however, what was worse was that slung over his shoulder was Jack's mother. His dear mother who attended his hockey games, folded his laundry, and threatened to gut-him-like-a-fish-if-he-knocks-up-a-girl-before-marriage. She had been his role model for the longest time. And here she was, the mother who kept Jack tethered to his sanity while he was growing up was held like a sack of potatoes over his father's left shoulder. In a maid uniform. That barely covered her bottom.
His parents' regular clothes were strewn across the room with the occasional sock dangling from the light fixtures while their faces were frozen in mid-giggles. The sight of her son's horrified face in response to the compromising scene led Thiana's cheeks to grow progressively redder while she let a pair of handcuffs fall out of her hands and land on the carpet with a dull thud.
"-me-oh my eyes!" Jack finished his sentence only to rub his eyes vigorously, praying that this image was not as permanently engrained as he thought it was.
Peeking his head out of his wife's ruffled skirt, North finally noticed Jack and Elsa's presence, although he appeared unfazed by the horror etched on the youths' faces. Thiana, on the other hand, was making futile attempts to cover the top part of her risqué maid outfit.
"Hello dear." Thina's voice came out an octave higher than normal. "What are you guys doing here?"
"Yeah, I thought we finally got the house to ourselves after we sent off Pippa to college- OW!" North yelled as he was hit on the head by his wife who was still on his shoulder.
"Water," Jack said. "Water, water, water." He kept repeating the safe word only for it to fall on deaf ears as at that moment Elsa was listing in her head the names of therapists she knew from medical school who specialized in mental trauma.
"You honestly interrupted me and your mother for water- OW WOULD YOU STOP HITTING ME?" North whined as his wife gave his bald head another resonating smack. Trying to salvage any remaining dignity, Thiana pointed to the kitchen.
"Please, help yourself to a glass," Thina said with a strained smile, which gradually fell as realization dawned on her fairy-like features. "It was supposed to be the 20th wasn't it." She received a nod in response. "You guys were supposed to come over today." Another nod.
This subsequently resulted in Thiana elbowing her husband, who fell wheezing at the impact, and dusting imaginary dirt off her skirt in an attempt to appear presentable. At this point, Jack was dragging the empty shell that was Elsa out the door. In a desperate attempt to remedy the situation Thiana pasted a toothy smile on her face and said hopefully, "We'll visit you guys for Christma-"
"Don't come!" was Jack's immediate reply as he shut the door, his face still glowing red in embarrassment.
The silence following the slamming of the door hung heavily in the air as the two adults could only look at the back of said door.
"You said they were coming on the 21st," Thiana said in a monotonous voice, her eyes never leaving the door.
"My tattoo guy makes his 'zeros' look like 'ones'." was North's intelligent response in an equally dry tone. After a moment of silence passed by Thiana's brain was able to function again.
"THEY WILL NEVER COME TO US AGAIN! WE JUST LOST OUR ONLY SON" the small woman cried in anguish as she fell to the ground and stretched out a hand in a dramatic gesture.
"Can't be helped." North shrugged, not as concerned at the prospect of 'losing' his son as his wife was. Because he always knew how to find Jack. He had eyes and elves everywhere.
With his priorities elsewhere, North picked up the handcuffs and his wife to continue what they were doing before they were disturbed.
The drive home for the soon-to-be parents was unusually quiet as the couple sagged in their seats. Casting a tired glance at her husband, Elsa finally voiced her thoughts.
"Please don't tell me that that was how you were conceived," she said with a blank look on her face. Jack could only shudder in response.