Day At The Races
An Aaaah! Real Monsters Fanfic
by Save Fearow
Author's Note: Krumm's dad, Horvak, is basically a good guy who exhibits many stereotypical redneck traits. Unfortunately, that extends to certain prejudices, as shown in "Spontaneously Combustible". And while his attitude probly hurt Ickis more than most (due to Horvak's age and status as Krumm's father AND Slickis' closest pal) he actually did not ever make an apology in series or show that he'd moved beyond such wrong-headed beliefs.
"You need a vacation, Slick." Horvak informed his best friend.
"But I just got back from one!" Slickis cheerfully announced. "8 gloriously grueling days racing from Anchorage to Nome! Oh there's nothing like the thrill of the chase, the snow whipping you in the face, that burning sensation in the tips of your ears, the way you gasp for air with every mile you run, clawing your way to victory, it makes you feel ALIVE. The Inupiaq Run is calling you, and it goes 'SLICKIS! SLICKIS! SLICKIS! He's masterful!'"
Horvak stared at him. "Are you sure it isn't killing you? Because it just sounds dangerous and stupid and stupidly dangerous." he asserted.
"No, no, it's perfectly safe. Even the audience is fine. Ickis has watched me run at least a dozen times, and they've hardly ever hospitalized him afterwards. Those were real bonding moments, too. There's no greater joy than hearing your only son tell you 'I l-love you D-dad' right before he passes out in your arms." Slickis insisted.
"Krumm and I always do great things together, and the only ones who ever suffer are the humans." Horvak countered.
"Ickis doesn't suffer!" protested Slickis. "Last year he distinctly told me that he'd sooner die than go back to the Gromble's class. Where there were dancing bears, and hats full of rabbits, and Oblina wouldn't be his princess, and y'know I never DID follow that conversation completely, but I assure you it was awesome!"
"Not half as awesome as watching NASCAR. Some of the best explosions happen on the track." Horvak stated.
"I'm not a big fan of explosions." Slickis admitted.
"Right, right. You've got that ticking time-bomb son... thing. I didn't mean anything by that." professed Horvak.
"I know you didn't. Say, what do you think it means when your bonsty tells you harmonicas are the only true defense against lava lamps, and that there are no toilets in Antartica, but there's a man made out of paper towels who lives in the museum and steals eyes from unsuspecting monsters?" Slickis asked in all earnestness.
"I think it means he's not long fer this world." Horvak answered. Seeing Slickis scowl, he quickly amended "That's why you've gotta make those memories count, of course."
"You're absolutely right. We should make time for a real father and son outing this year." declared Slickis.
"All of us? In the same immediate area?" Horvak gulped.
"Sure, why not? You and Krumm, me and Ickis, it'd be great." Slickis vowed.
"Ickis? No, Ickis can't come." Horvak insisted.
"Really now? Who's going to deny my son the opportunity?" Slickis' fangs gleamed slightly and Horvak could hear the sound of blood rushing into Slickis' eyes.
"I s'pose we could squeeze him in. Loomers don't take up much space, at least when they're still at their default size." Horvak tentatively allowed.
"Terrific!" Slickis noted with delight as his fangs retracted. "We'll find the perfect venue this month, and we'll ask the Gromble's permission to pull the boys out of school temporarily."
"I always just tell him the mold needs harvesting. Last year, Krumm and I gathered it up 47 times." Horvak paused. "It was a slow year."
"I've never been a farmer." Slickis reasoned. "But I think if I just explain to the Gromble how much I enjoy spending time with Ickis, he'll let my son go out of the goodness of his heart."
"You really ARE an optimist." acknowledged Horvak.
"Pragmatist." Slickis corrected. "If I can't convince him with politeness, I'll remind Gromby just how many extra toenails the Academy receives in donations whenever I show up for Alumni events, and what would happen if I was ever... unavailable during pledge drives. Because I very well could be, what with my busy schedule and all."
"No way! Can you believe the Gromble just gave us time off?" Ickis chattered excitedly.
"Of course. He always lets me harvest the mold." Krumm explained.
Oblina rolled her eyes. "It amazes him how easily certain monsters fall for ruses." she declared.
"Yeah, but I usually don't let Ickis in on that. It would make him look bad." insisted Krumm.
Ickis frowned. "You just got put at the bottom of the list regarding why I'm doing this. Now it's to please Dad, then avoid the Gromble, an' lastly to have a vacation with you." he qualified.
"Don't squabble." Oblina lectured. "You'll ruin the weekend before it even starts!"
"It's a long weekend. That means we don't hafta come back on Monday. Or ever. Although there's a strong possibility the Gromble was joking about that." Ickis clarified.
"He just appreciates a little quietude now and then. All of us do." Oblina professed.
Ickis picked up his suitcase. "So you're really gonna be okay, staying in the dorm all by yourself?" he asked.
"I do have other friends besides you boys. I can be very hepa-doodle with Dizzle and Horrifica." Oblina claimed.
"That's hebopply. And just in case you get lonely, here." Ickis handed Oblina a small key. "This opens Shnookie's locker. For a sponge, she's a very good listener, so you can tell her 'I told you so' as many times as you like, an' she won't get mad. Unless you want her to, then she will pounce like the ferocious defender of monster dignity that she is." he insisted.
"Oh, Icky..." Oblina hugged him tightly. "You run along and have a good time. But try not to get into any trouble, and remember to read your Manual every night, you can even ask Slickis for clarification on any of the subtle nuances of scaring."
"Who has time for studying during a visit with their Dad?" Ickis wondered.
"Perhaps that only applies to monsters whose parents are upper-class twits." Oblina sighed. "At least I get a room to myself again. That was always my favorite part of staying at the mansion."
Ickis and Krumm waved goodbye to her. "We could send you a postcard." Krumm offered.
Ickis' ears drooped. "I was promised there wouldn't be any writing involved! So not fair!" he complained.
Slickis sighed. "Please take off the gas mask, Horvak. I thought we already HAD a discussion on the nature of spontaneous combustibility." he reasoned.
"A-yuh. That's when you convinced me it was permanent. That's why I'm taking precautions." Horvak argued.
"It's not airborne, very few illnesses are. You're just going to upset Ickis unneccessarily." Slickis told him.
"I can live with that." asserted Horvak.
Slickis glared at him. "But do I want to live with you? I got us the motel rooms." he huffed in annoyance.
"They never even charge you when you travel someplace. Getting rooms is the least you could do." countered Horvak.
"The least I could do is leave you at the station, order lice cream cones for the boys, and say 'that's enough parenting, go back to school'." Slickis put forth. "But I'd rather make the effort to have a good time with everyone."
"Then you can spot me 18 toenails for another mask. Otherwise Krumm will have to go without." Horvak stated.
"I've spotted several things about you that I'm making a concentrated effort to ignore. This really isn't helping your cause." Slickis insisted. "Look, here come the boys!" he pointed to the train as it pulled in.
Ickis and Krumm emerged from the coal hopper. "Toldja they'd be here!" Ickis announced happily. "Dad! Dad! Dad!"
Krumm squinted."What's my Dad wearing? It's sorta like he got a new head grafted on, but not quite..." he puzzled over this as he hauled his luggage off the train.
Ickis merely grabbed his suitcase and leapt into Slickis' paws. "That was -awesome-. The train ride was bumpy, an' dirty, an' smelled terrible. I wanna go again!" he exclaimed.
"Yeah Dad. It was like working on the farm, except I got to sit down the whole time while everything around me was moving. But the stench was very home-y." Krumm acknowledged.
"Y'ever try it, sir? I betcha would find it invigorating!" Ickis declared, coughing slightly.
Horvak immediately yanked Krumm away. "WHAAAHHH! Take cover Krumm, before he blows us sky high!" Horvak wailed.
Slickis scowled. "Ickis just inhaled a little coal dust. He's FINE." Slickis explained through gritted teeth.
"And so are we, as long as we stay outside of the blast radius. Pick up the pace Krumm, we gotta step lively while we still can!" insisted Horvak.
"Daaad, you're embarassing me." Krumm whispered.
"No, I'm protecting you. That's what good parents do." Horvak clarified.
"I don't think good parents make their son's best friend feel like an outcast." Krumm argued.
"Changed my mind. I'd rather be in the Academy, getting scolded by the Gromble doesn't hurt as bad." Ickis whimpered.
"Maybe Horvak wasn't deliberately trying to be obnoxious. He might even be sorry about it." Slickis suggested pointedly.
"Then why is he dressed like that? Is it part of a disguise to blend in with the human world?" questioned Ickis.
"You know I don't believe in lying to you, son. Who wants a lice cream cone?" Slickis offered cheerfully.
"That didn't really answer my-" began Ickis.
"Can mine have nuts-and-bolts sprinkled on top?" Krumm asked.
"Sure, why not? How bout you, Ickis? If you eat a double scoop, I'll take you with me on a loom." Slickis bargained. "Nothing could be finer than to scare in Carolina."
"I don't think I like Darlington. It's not very welcoming." Ickis noted.
"What a shame, leaving so soon. Say goodbye, Krumm." Horvak instructed.
"Goodbye, Krumm." his son repeated. Krumm paused. "That doesn't make much sense, Dad. I haven't even gotten my lice cream!"
"So let's all go out for wriggling cones of liquified bugs!" announced Slickis. He led the boys to a nearby monster confectionary parlor, while Horvak lagged a short distance behind.
The monsters sat at 2 different tables, despite Slickis' best effort to combine the group. Horvak was adamant that he preferred the view 'over there', although he could techically place his eye wherever he wanted in the room, and adjust his vision accordingly.
"Thanks Slick-ish. Lice cream's delish-ous." Krumm claimed as he finished the last few slurps of his dessert, then set his eyeballs on the table so he could lick his fingers.
"You're quite welcome, Krumm." Slickis took another big gulp from his 3rd roach beer float. "Last chance, Ickis. Sure you don't want some?"
Ickis shook his head. "I'm not hungry." he mumbled.
"If you go without food, it'll weaken- er, the weekend will seem less exciting? Yeah, I pulled that one off smoothly." Slickis decided.
Horvak was still trying to eat his lice cream with a straw, but was hampered by the gas mask. "Durn lice-y cream." he muttered.
"Maybe you could eat better if you took that off." Krumm suggested.
"Might be healthier to start a diet. There's no telling what diseases food may be carrying." Horvak professed.
"Combustibility isn't transmitted THAT way, either. It's a blood disorder." Slickis clarified.
"I told Oblina, it was 'prick your feet' but she wouldn't believe me." Ickis quietly insisted.
"So when he looms, isn't he just spewing forth contamination everywhere?" Horvak theorized.
"The blood vessels drain into his -own- body. It never leaks out of him." Slickis snapped. "Didn't you read ANY of the pamphlets I gave you?"
"I barely got past the first page of the Monster Manual." Horvak declared. "I weren't abou' to knock m'self out on that regard."
"I'm not a fast reader, either. But if it's interesting enough, I'll work through it." Ickis offered his encouragement.
"That's the diff'rence between us. I'm not interested in things that will destroy us all." Horvak claimed.
"I wasn't gonna-" Ickis tried to protest.
"Bring about the ruination of the Monster World? A-yuh, and I got a swamp down in Okefonokee that's big enough to retire on." scoffed Horvak.
"Wow, that's great! I didn't know we were gonna be rich! Wanna help me waste my inheritance, Ickis?" Krumm offered.
"No, Ickis can't help." Horvak announced. "Let's go back to the motel, son." Horvak clapped a hand firmly around Krumm and began dragging him towards the exit.
"We'll stay and order another round. Please eat something Ickis, so I can show you the Darlington Music Hall. The performers always change, but they've had bluegrass groups in the past..." Slickis asserted.
Ickis' eyes lit up. "No way!" he declared.
"Yes way." Slickis countered. "They do it all'a time!"
"I gotta see that! Don't go without me, Dad! I'll drink a whole sludge smoothie, I really will!" Ickis promised.
"I'm holding you to that. Monsters never break their word." Slickis vowed as he purchased the drink.
"I don't think barricading the door will work." Krumm observed. "They're loomers. It's pretty hard to keep them from going where they want to go."
Horvak shuddered. "At least it will buy us some time. I'll create a diversion while you run to safety."
"You can't get much safer than a locked room." Krumm noted.
Outside, Ickis was deep in conversation with his father. "I toldja costumes ALWAYS work. If you cover your ears, you can act like a human, or a superhero, or a witch, or anything you want!" Ickis proclaimed.
"Ha ha! It's kind of inspiring, isn't it? So Plastoog gave you all those old human clothes?" Slickis inquired
"Yeah, I used'a find some at the dump, but he says it's easier if you can just walk into Goodwill an' ask for them! Plastoog helped me think of human names, cause he knows so much about living among them. It's like having a super secret identity, so you can watch outdoor concerts an' nobody tries to feed you a carrot!" Ickis remarked.
Slickis pretended to gag. "Ugh. Fresh produce. There are some things even -I- won't swallow." he admitted.
"They're not even good for Sewerball. You need round fruits for that, I tried watermelons once but they're awful heavy!" Ickis allowed.
"I always loved Sewerball." Slickis recalled. "I still remember this one championship. Bases loaded, top of the ninth, and the snorbly little Prepatory Monsters STILL thought they could beat us. You should have them, strutting their stuff as if they had even a prayer left for victory. So naturally, I hit a grand slam, making our score 12-zip. And when Mimbo struck out, I took the mound as pitcher for the Academy. I threw those tomatos hard and fast, the first two batters went down swinging. The last opponent, Ogehrik, had some talent. He got a piece of it, but I just loomed and caught that tomato in mid-air. Then everybody was cheering, full to bursting with Academy pride, and your mother jumped into my paws, and I held her so tightly I... I didn't think I would ever let go. I certainly didn't mean to later on, and oh wow! Is it ever getting late! Let's hurry inside, son."
"Wait'll they hear how you scared a whole auditorium of people! Stories like that always go over well. Um, until somebody fixes the Viewfinder, then you get stuck polishing shoes." Ickis finished lamely. Both monsters bounded across the hall.
Slickis frowned as he tried the doorknob. "It's a little stiff." he commented. "Like most problems, this can be solved with looming!" Slickis barely increased his size and still managed to tear the door off its hinges.
"I know how to fix doors. I do ALOT of repairs around the Academy, come to think of it." Ickis realized. "I oil the cages, and check the grout in the storm drains, and unclog the trash compactor but the Gromble STILL tells me I'm useless! And it's been years since I deliberately freed the Viewfinder, so he can't be holding THAT against me."
"Hi Ickis. How's your Dad?" Krumm greeted them.
"Dad's awesome, he scared 137 people, but he waited till after the band finished playing their set. I loomed too, and I think a couple humans were surprised at least." Ickis insisted.
"Whoa is a sound of terror, not surprise. They were definitely scared." Slickis assured him.
"That was a big night. I take it there's no chance of an encore?" Horvak noted glumly.
Ickis yawned. "We're kinda beat, right Dad? We just came back to say hello and climb into bed." he stated.
"Beds aren't ready yet, I've only just poured dirt on them. Let me, um, air the place out a bit." Horvak bluffed as he opened the window.
"You're letting in a draft." Slickis complained.
"It makes you feel alive, the way it whips you in the face." argued Horvak.
Ickis shivered. "I can get another b-blanket." he suggested.
Slickis slammed the window back down. "That stays shut for the entire visit. Open it again and your eye won't be able to do the same." he snarled.
Horvak stared at him. "Yer threatening me?" he asked in bewilderment.
"Yeah, I'm shocked too." Slickis admitted.
Ickis draped the blanket over his Dad's shoulders. "Maybe you need this more than I do." he allowed. "If you're mad, then something's -really- wrong. G'night."
Slickis glared at Horvak. "And you treat him like he's a bad, dangerous monster. You ought to be ashamed." he whispered.
"Good night, Ickis!" Krumm declared happily.
"At least there's hope for the younger generation. You're a nice boy, Krumm. G'night." Slickis acknowledged.
"Now, isn't this a pleasant morning?" Slickis announced upon waking up.
"I'll let you know after you give me my eye back." grumbled Horvak.
Slickis tossed a pillow case at his friend. "Next time, don't try to sneak around at night, and re-pack Krumm's luggage." Slickis informed him.
"I was just looking fer... something Krumm has." Horvak muttered as he uncovered his eye.
"Like a conscience? You can't borrow that, unfortunately." Slickis quipped.
"You can borrow my pennant, Dad." Krumm offered. "We wave it when our favorite racer passes by, Ickis."
"Ooh, souvenirs!" Ickis exclaimed. "Those are the best. Can I see it?"
"Look with your eyes, not with your claws!" Horvak yelled.
Slickis shook his head. "You don't want to know how fine a line you're walking right now." he stated tensely.
"Dad's just standing there, Slickis. He hasn't started walking yet." Krumm pointed out.
Ickis poked at the pennant happily. "We should get one, too. Is NASCAR really just a human thing, or do monsters like it too?" he asked.
"Monsters come from all around to watch it. We have our own parties, we call it sewer-gating, before and after each race." Krumm explained.
"Can I check the list of racers again? I wanna determine who we should bet on." Ickis declared.
"We're backing Dale Earnhardt, Jr. He's a legacy racer." Krumm told him.
"What happened to Dale Earnhadt, Sr?" wondered Ickis.
"Ka-boom!" answered Krumm.
Horvak jumped back involuntarily. "I'm not such a big fan of explosions anymore." he admitted.
Ickis studied the paper intently. "No, I don't think I wanna bet on Earnhardt. He might take the lead a couple times, but I don't expect he'll finish higher than 10th place. Jimmie Johnson, he looks like a winner to me."
Horvak scowled. "You don't even know anything about racing." he challenged Ickis.
"I know a lot about betting, though. They banned me from EVERY monster casino in all 5 boroughs. They're pretty strict about house limits at the Grishnak tables." Ickis countered.
"I'll put some toenails down on the Johnson fella." Slickis offered. "Number 48, sounds lucky to me."
"It's like a Grishnak set without the 4 Orcs!" Ickis agreed.
"A-yuh. That's logic at its finest." Horvak scoffed. "Krumm and I are betting the farm on Number 8, Earndhardt."
"Which farm? The one we live on, or the new one you've got in the swamplands?" Krumm wanted to know.
"At least you've got a fall-back plan." sneered Slickis.
Ickis looked up at his father in puzzlement. "Um, are you alright, Dad? Cause you're NOT usually snarky, but you told me Gramma used to be, so I guess you might wanna act like her sometimes?" Ickis questioned.
Slickis ruffled his son's fur. "I'm fine. I just haven't had breakfast yet. Everything looks better on a full stomach." he asserted.
Krumm smiled appreciatively. "I heard they have a free continental breakfast here!" he recalled.
"Heh, I bet they rethink that policy." Slickis declared. "Horvak, you better put down that mask if you want any food at all, and come downstairs with us."
Horvak hesitated, torn between his misgivings about eating alongside Ickis, and his fondness for breakfast. After about 30 seconds, hunger won out. "Might as well eat now, there's no such thing as a free lunch." he allowed.
"There's not?!" Krumm wailed.
"I'll buy snacks later, Krumm. It's important to have dreams." Slickis vowed.
The four monsters left a very large stack of dishes in their wake as they exited the motel. "Very nice spread." Slickis judged. "Although, they only had food from 6 continents. Penguin is quite chewy, and the flippers make excellent stuffing, if you can get it."
"I hate Antartica. It's a barren wasteland of ice and snow." Ickis paused. "Not like Alaska! I was -really- bummed I didn't go with you this year, honest! It was just bad timing, that I had to, er, Krumm what was the alibi we agreed upon?" Ickis whispered desperately.
"I think we talked about you applying yourself to your studies this semester." Krumm offered.
"No, no, the excuse my Dad would actually believe!" Ickis huffed.
"Oh yeah! Space pirate ninjas." invented Krumm.
"Yesss! We had to destroy their entire colony in zero-gravity, while guarding the toenail hoard from the shinobi elite. Very challenging, you woulda been proud." Ickis asserted.
Slickis beamed. "Sounds like a real adventure." he agreed.
"Why does everybody think -I'm- the dumb one is this group?" Horvak grumbled.
"You DID swallow your own eyeball that one time, because you forgot you were carrying it in your mouth when we started drinking battery acid." Krumm recalled.
"That could have happened to anyone." declared Horvak.
"I like acid!" Ickis announced brightly. "Even though it's corrosive, it still starts to cool partway down my esophagus an' helps counteract the usual feeling of burning up from the inside."
Horvak edged away. "That's... exactly what I expected to hear from you. Oh look, we can see the tunnels from here! And there's a crowd already forming. Let's try to lose ourselves in it, Krumm!" hollered Horvak.
"I think you missed a word in there." Krumm huffed as he jogged alongside his Dad.
"I'm pretty sure I didn't." insisted Horvak.
Ickis ran circles around them. "I'm a good sprinter. I can even beat Dad for short distances! He's better for longer races, though." he called out.
"You just have to build up the stamina through conditioning." Slickis noted as he raced back-and-forth. "I usually run about 20 miles every day."
"I don't always pay attention to miles traveled. But I can cover the whole Academy grounds 3 times in one afternoon, and that's not even when somebody's chasing me. Oh, and when I'm hiding out I'll run even FURTHER If I hafta." Ickis supplied.
"He -is- good at running. Oblina says his mouth never stops." Krumm remembered.
Ickis nearly tripped, but recovered in time. "That's like calling a roach an insect. She does her share of nagging, and lecturing, and insulting." Ickis groused.
"Sometimes girls say things like that as a way of demonstrating affection." Slickis offered.
"Did Mom do that with you?" Ickis asked.
"No, but there were days when she treated your Uncle Yaggy that way." clarified Slickis.
"I would rather Oblina not think of me like a brother." Ickis admitted.
"She told me she thinks of you as a bother often. Does that help?" Krumm wondered.
Ickis sighed. "Not really, no." he acknowledged.
Horvak looked around the passageway. There were larges group of monsters mingling together, and he suspected they weren't that different from the human spectators. Maybe he and Krumm could go sit in the grandstands this year, among the humans? It was worth a shot. "Hey Krummy. How would you like to sit by the humans today? We'd get a nicer view." he suggested.
"That's terrific, sir. What kinda costume do you wanna try? Dad made me wear the fur hat last night, but I think it was warm enough for the baseball helmet. An' have you picked a human mon-i-ker? That's your secret name. I go by Ricky an' Dad is Mick, we were talking it over last night. We figured Krumm can be Kurt, so you can be Horton if you like, or maybe Horace? I even heard there was a guy named Horatio once, but he didn't seem your type!" Ickis chirped.
Horvak shuddered. "On second thought, let's stay down here. No sense in changing a routine." Horvak decided.
"Can I change my name if I get bored with it?" wondered Krumm.
"Plastoog's gone through a few human identities, on account'a they don't expect the same guy to live in town for 50 years an' barely age. But you're s'posed to keep your mon-i-ker for awhile, specially if you stick to a smallish area. You don't want one human thinking of you as Phil, when his neighbor knows you as Bob." Ickis explained.
"I want to be Kirk." Krumm asserted. "It makes me sound like a leader."
"Yeah, you're a good leader. Didja tell Mr. Horvak you got elected Academy President?" Ickis asked.
"I wrote to both him and Mom about it! I told them you and Oblina were my campaign managers too." recalled Krumm.
"Congratulations, Krumm. It's very gratifitying to see students take an interest in their school. Academy Pride should always be at the forefront of your mind." Slickis told him.
"I have 4 fingers on each hand, and I use them to eat the free Presidential Pies." Krumm mentioned happily.
"One of the charter clauses." Slickis fondly remembered.
Horvak finally latched onto an idea. "All this talk of pies has got me hungry again. Wait right here Krumm, no, stand a little further off to the side, and I'll bring back some slime." Horvak offered.
"Good idea, Dad!" Krumm agreed. "Just hurry back so you don't miss any of the race! They got a monster standing lookout topside, and there's really long cables attaching him to a giant Viewfinder down below. You'll love seeing that, Ickis."
"Wow! If they need help with the stereo system, I'm all ears!" Ickis declared with enthusiasm.
"I wouldn't mind a closer look at the NASCAR Viewfinder." Slickis allowed. "When Horvak comes back, we'll ask him if he wants to give us a tour."
"If he doesn't, I can take you guys in for a closer look. I know exactly where it is. One year, they even chose Dad as lookout, but he ruined the entire loop when he got mad and tossed his eyeball at the track." Krumm informed them.
"If he's smart he won't get carried away like that again. I've retrieved that eyeball from 23 different sporting events AFTER graduation. And there were quite a few parades, and ceremonies, and even a debate forum where I had to do the same thing. These notches didn't just appear on my ears, you know. Horvak was responsible for the very first rip in them." Slickis detailed.
"That's the one in your yearbook! When you and Mom are Homecoming King and Queen!" Ickis announced delightedly. "You looked great together!"
Slickis smiled. "We FELT great. I've never had a more wonderful day. Of course, I've had plenty of great days since then, but there's always that one moment, you want to savor forever..." he recalled.
Ickis nodded. "There was this one day, back when Oblina had a squish on a TOTAL JERK, and I told her she was too good for him and she kissed-" he began.
"There you go, Krumm!" Horvak interrupted Ickis' story as he returned with the slime. "Nothing better than a healthful coating of slop." He poured the entire contents on his son's body.
Slickis' stomach rumbled. "Y'know, some of us -would- have eaten that." he protested.
"Krumm needed it more. It's to provide an outer layer of defense against undesirable conditions." Horvak stated.
"Uh huh. And what kind of conditions are you referring to? Think carefully, Horvak, before you respond." Slickis advised.
"The kind of conditions your son has. I thought that was obvious. I've been doing my best to avoid Ickis all throughout this trip." Horvak answered.
Ickis' lip quivered. "I wanna go. I'm not even lookin' for space pirates, I just wanna go." Ickis confessed.
Slickis wrapped his paws around Ickis. "Maybe we should leave." he offered. "Krumm can always come back to the motel room later, -we- don't mind."
"Sorry, Ickis. I was having a good time." Krumm professed.
"He might've at least left the bucket. I could wear it on my head, as a stop-gap measure, until we found some bubble wrap." mumbled Ickis.
"Nobody has to redecorate anything. C'mon son." Slickis gently stated as he led Ickis away.
"Sitting topside in the -good- seats, and watching the humans run in circles. This is what life is really about, don'tcha think Krummy?" Horvak asked his son.
"No. I don't think life SHOULD be about ruining long-lasting friendships." Krumm argued.
"They didn't last that long, just a couple hundred years." Horvak qualified.
Krumm looked downcast. "You really don't get it? Slickis used to be your BEST friend. He helped you keep the farm when you and Mom got divorced. He even argued in your favor when you asked for custody, and Mom still thinks it was a good speech. He never once forgets your birthday. He didn't tell anybody you flunked out of school or lost your stench, and he totally could have! He got your eye back more times than I can count! Ickis is kinda like that for me, only less consistently heroic. But he did save everyone from disappearing, and even if he WAS always a screw-up, I -like- knowing him. He shares Ultra Monster comics with me. He made Vote Krumm buttons. He mumbles some pretty funny stuff in his dreams. He doesn't mind that I'm scared of heights. He won't drown in a pool, you'd be surprised how often that comes up. He, he was my best friend until today. You took that from me Dad, and I don't think you can ever make up for that." Krumm noted sadly.
"That's nice, Krumm. Look, the race is starting!" Horvak pointed out.
"Ickis' family also listens better than you do. I think it's the ears." Krumm added.
"Go, Earnhardt, go!" Horvak cheered.
Krumm sighed, and dragged one finger through the dust. He couldn't even draw a very convincing picture of Ickis, this sketch hardly even resembled a rabbit! Ickis might be able to salvage the effort, but he was probly already heading back to the Academy, if he wasn't curled up in a layer of blankets, sucking his claws. Maybe Ickis was sitting under a bridge somewhere, waiting to freeze to death in the night. That had almost happened, during the first-ever combustible week, and it was partly Krumm's fault for listening to Horvak (although he hadn't known he was doing anything wrong at the time, not until he got back to the farm, and saw all the mold was still packed away in the same bags and storage boxes he'd left them in during a previous visit.) Krumm had always believed his father was one of the greatest monsters ever, but now he was starting to have his doubts. "We shouldn't be here, Dad." he muttered.
"AAAAH! Whatcha doing Dale? He'll cut you off, drift, driiiift!" roared Horvak.
"It's only a race, Dad. It's not the end of the world, we already went through THAT." Krumm tried to get Horvak to settle down.
"You know what I think of your driving? I think you need to look sharp!" Horvak screeched as he tossed his eyeball towards the racers.
"Why Dad, whyyy?" Krumm moaned.
"Because Dale is a disgrace to his Daddy's name." Horvak pronounced.
"You only have one eye, you can't afford to lose it!" Krumm declared. "What if some car runs it over, or a human finds it, or it rolls into some dark place and is gone forever?"
"Don't worry, I've got a... oh yeah. They haven't been a matched set in over a century." Horvak recalled.
"Stay here, Dad. I'll get help, and we'll recover your eye." promised Krumm. He ran back towards the monster tunnels. Slickis was a fairly sensible monster, maybe he had convinced Ickis to stay until the race ended. If that was the case, they would want to sit near the giant Viewfinder, you could always distract Ickis with anything that bore even a passing resemblance to human technology. "Slickis? Ickis? If you're not too busy being furious, can you help me out here?" Krumm yelled.
From their lonely corner in the underground stadium, Slickis' ear twitched. "I can handle this." he offered. "You just sit tight, Ickis. I won't be gone too long."
Ickis grabbed a hold of him fiercely. "Yes you would!" he protested. "You were never right about that!"
Slickis paused, considering. "Good point. We'll go together, and find out what's upsetting Krumm. Betcha Horvak was involved somehow." Slickis sighed.
"No way! I never take sucker bets!" Ickis argued.
"Yes way! And you can't bet against your old beast, that would be detrimental to the entire father and son relationship we've developed." insisted Slickis.
"So not fair. No one ever allows the things I'm good at! That's why cartoons are banned in class, and the Gromble won't let me play Sewerball in the rain." Ickis complained.
"Sewerball is always cancelled for bad weather. That's not just the Gromble's policy, they implement it on a professional level, too." explained Slickis.
"Oh. Wish I'd known that sooner, could have saved me alot of anguish." Ickis admitted. "And a dose of cough syrup. I can't believe Oblina hid some of that skanky stuff in crude oil, who does that?!"
"A very clever monster." Slickis decided, as he filed that strategy away for later use. "Hello Krumm. Did Horvak lose his eye again?" he inquired.
"Yeah, how'd you guess?" Krumm marvelled.
"It's not as impressive as it seems, really." Slickis opined. "Did he just roll it along the ground somewhere, or did he go topside and toss it on the raceway?"
"The more dangerous one." Krumm informed them.
"I'll just bop across the track then." suggested Slickis.
"No, no, lemme do it! I'll go faster, the humans won't even suspect anything!" Ickis claimed.
"Son, that's too dangerous. You could get run over." Slickis pointed out.
"That's what they come for, isn't it? Big explosions? It's gonna happen someday anyway, I might as well go out with a bang!" Ickis retorted, as he ran ahead.
Slickis watched him go, despairingly. "Combustible monsters DON'T usually explode. 80% of the time they die of some other, lesser ailment that they couldn't fight off the way other monsters could." he whispered.
"Oblina told me the same thing." Krumm noted. "You wanna sit in the bleachers with me and my Dad, and hope Ickis comes back alive?"
"At this point, hope is all I got." Slickis acknowledged glumly.
"We're over in the Wallace Grandstand. Almost nobody noticed us. When we first sat down, we had one guy ask us where the Wal-Mart was, and that was it." Krumm explained. "At least Dad didn't try to walk around. If it was Ickis I'd asked to stay put, I would have brought chains with me."
"Even that's not a gar-on-tee." Slickis observed. "I usually just bribe Ickis with something, a story, a glass of phlegmonade, one of those Monster Trading cards... he never asked for mine though, we were given a whole box of them when the set first came out, so I guess the novelty wore off quick. Mm-hmm I think the first bribe was a sponge, I was trying to scum up the house a bit, and he just kept getting underfoot."
"Shnookie's a girl sponge." Krumm remembered.
"I still can't believe he named it that. Squelia would much rather be called Squeals, it's just Granpa referred to almost every young female as 'Shnookie', it's something the soldiers really looked forward to on leave." Slickis blushed furiously.
"Krumm! Good to hear that you're back!" Horvak waved. "Did you find someone helpful?"
"I found Ickis and his Dad." Krumm answered.
"Oh... they're not standing near me, are they?" wondered Horvak.
"I am. And you must have overheard me talking to Krumm, so don't act so surprised. Of course we wanted to retrieve your eye." Slickis told him.
"That's all well and good, but how are you going to do it, if you're just going to stand around reliving the past?" Horvak questioned.
"I'm not recovering it this time. Ickis has volunteered his services." Slickis put forth.
"Ickis?! Just don't let him touch it!" Horvak cried out.
"You are really making it hard to not dislike you right now." Slickis noted.
"That's what I've been trying to tell him." Krumm commiserated.
Ickis watched as the humans raced by. This mission was all about timing. He noticed Number 48 lapping another contestant, as predicted. Several racers scraped their cars along the infamous 'Darlington Stripe' as they jostled for position. There were 2 garages that could provide some degree of sanctuary as he searched from the Wallace Grandstand to the Brasington and Calvin Grandstands, and on to the nearby towers. Based on the angles he was contemplating, it seemed more likely that the eye would roll towards the centerized Calvin Grandstand, although it could lean towards the Unocal Tower if the trajectory was influenced by the surrounding vehicles. He anticipated the next gap between racers and ran onto the course at top speed, keeping his head ducked low. He wished the lighting was better, he remembered hearing some of the crowd speculate on to how the new lights would effect performances, once they were implemented later in the year. Ickis already believed they'd have a positive impact. Number 19 came barreling towards him, the driver operating one of those aptly-named Dodge vehicles. Ickis scrunched up his body as best he could and hunkered down underneath the passing vehicle. He could smell the exhaust fumes, mingling with a slight burning sensation. He patted his fur down quickly to snuff out any trace of a flame, then resumed his quest.
It was hard not to get distracted by the pit-boxes over near the garage. These humans ALL had TVs, and satellites, and so many electronics mixed among their tools!
"Dirk, where's the socket wrench?" one of the humans yelled.
"Go with the impact wrench, it removes lug nuts faster. Just be sure you replace it often enough, they wear out about every 60 uses!" Ickis hollered back.
"Hey, thanks!" the mechanic responded.
Ickis continued to look along the ground, searching for Horvak's eye. He side-stepped the jack man, and took a quick peek under an elevated Chevrolet's chassis, but couldn't spot the missing eyeball. He hoped it was still in one of the garage areas, but with each passing moment it seemed more likely that it had reached another part of the track, or even rolled beyond that. He glanced at the next section of track, it was even busier than before. But, right up against the wall he thought he spotted something round and white. Ickis ran towards it, without bothering to check for traffic. The Number 2 Pontiac came skidding around the bend. Ickis knew he couldn't avoid this car so he loomed as quickly as he could and grabbed hold of the fender. It crumpled slightly in his claws but the speed of the oncoming car still pushed him backwards. Ickis lost his balance and felt his should scrape along the asphalt as he shrunk. He waited for the impact of the vehicle, but the driver seemed to have parked it there in the middle of the lane and wasn't budging for anything. Gratified, Ickis staggered to his feet and stumbled upon the wayward eyeball. He scooped it up tightly and rushed for the other side of the road. Once he judged he was sufficiently far from any remaining danger he fell over, whimpering softly. He really, really wished Horvak had saved him some of that slime.
"Do you see anything, Dad? I can still describe what's going on whenever one of my eyes gets separated." Krumm suggested. "That's usually how we track one down."
Slickis jaw dropped. "You can DO that? Why do you always just point in some random direction, and tell me 'it's round hereabouts, I reckon'?" he demanded.
"Because it's always hereabouts, unless it's thereabouts. Hard to be more specific than that." Horvak clarified.
"TRY!" Slickis hissed.
Horvak frowned. "Fine, have it your way, Captain-Boss-Of-The-Universe. I see the other grandstand, and a bunch of people, and some cars, Earnhardt STILL isn't leading but at least one of the racers is outta the running, there's some dirt and garbage, oh and Ickis, lying face-down on the ground, one of those claws is waaay too close to the eye, durnit." Horvak detailed.
"Ickis is lying face down on the ground? Why don't you recognize that as the. most. important. thing!" roared Slickis.
Krumm sighed. "Probly because it doesn't directly affect him." he ventured. "Dad's kind of a jerk in that way."
"I should have remembered that from our Academy days. Krumm, would you keep watch over your father while I go rescue my son?" Slickis inquired.
"Sure, I like Ickis. He's my friend." Krumm nodded sagely. "We CAN still be friends, right?"
"Of course. I'm still friends with Horvak, in spite of his best efforts to sabotage that." Slickis agreed.
"Hey, I'm right here. I know what you guys are talking about." Horvak paused. "It's about me, isn't it?"
Slickis rolled his eyes. "You make an excellent point, Krumm. He really does care more when it's about him." acknowledged Slickis.
"It doesn't bother me much. I room with Oblina and Ickis, so I have lots of practice dealing with large egos." explained Krumm.
"Still right here!" Horvak bellowed as they made their way around the track.
"And still full of yourself, Horvak. It's good you recognize that there are certain inevitablities in the world, Krumm. Alot of monsters come to grief because they can't accept that." Slickis told him.
"Is that why the Gromble still hasn't given up on our class?" Krumm wondered.
"No, I think he genuinely believes that his students are all professional scarers in the making. It's the monsters who try to bend the universe to their will that are the worst off, although they probly don't recognize that. Don't tell anyone else I said this, but Miz Sublima is a pretty good example. She has a highly skilled, intelligent young daughter whose talents she won't appreciate, because they aren't in her particular fields of interest." offered Slickis.
"Sublima doesn't work in a field. She lives in a big mansion, hoarding toenails." Krumm clarified.
Slickis laughed. "I still think you're smarter than the Gromble says you are." he insisted.
"I don't set that bar very high." declared Krumm.
"But you cleared it, no problem." Slickis observed as they approached the area in front of the Calvin Grandstand. "Ickis? Are you okay, son? Can you move? Lemme know if you're hearing this." he called out.
Ickis twitched feebly. "None for me, I'm driving." he mumbled.
Slickis knelt down beside him. "We'll get you patched up. Your shoulder has some abrasions on it. We should have that looked at right away." Slickis noted.
"It looks like an epidemic waitin' to happen." whined Horvak.
"Horvak, my patience is reaching its limit. That hasn't happened very often. Nobody enjoys it when it does. Let's not make today one of -those- occassions." Slickis warned.
"You could use my NASCAR pennant to help mop up the blood." Krumm offered.
"Krumm, no. That would rui- rudimentarily improve things?" Horvak finished. Slickis nodded his approval.
"Yeah! Now Dad's smarter than the Gromble says he is, too!" Krumm declared proudly.
Ickis sat up woozily and pressed the cloth against his injured shoulder. He snatched Horvak's eye off the ground with his somewhat battered paw. "I got your eye back, sir! Look, it's almost good as new! All it needs is a little spit-shine." Ickis announced happily. Horvak did his best not to flinch as the little monster spat on his eye, then rubbed it clean.
~~~The End.
Author's Note: The Iditarod is run annually, beginning with the first Saturday in March. The Inupiaq tribesman often help to facilitate the event, and sections of the course are named for them. To complete a race of that length in 8 days is a possible outcome but you have to be at the very pinnacle of your ability to do so. If you consider that a monster is running that distance on foot, every single year, then it becomes even more impressive. The Darlington Raceway, which is the closest major NASCAR racecourse near my home, featured Jimmie Johnson (Chevy 48) as the winner and Andy Belmont (Pontiac 2) as a driver with sudden, unexplained brake issues on March 21st, 2004. This year was chosen to correspond with the various NASCAR data I'd collected, and should provide readers with a sense of a timeline (both in the real world, and within the fanfic series context. December 2003 is confirmed for "Gravity Is A Harsh Mistress" and June 2004 is implied for "Simon Checks Out", thus this story is sandwiched between them chronologically. )