Author's note: I had this idea on my mind for a while, and now I took the WA Holyday Challenge opportunity to bring it to life.
Premise: families are complicated, and Jim Street knows that even too well.
All his life he tried to make amends with his mother for something he was never really guilty of, and so, for him, opening his eyes on her manipulative nature was a long journey that only recently he succeeded in overcome.
Street had to hit the bottom before getting his life back in his hands, and winning his spot back on the Team was surely not so easy. But now he found someone he can always count on: he found an actual family.
He finally found his place.
Despite all that, Christmas time is still not painless for him, and now more than ever he feels the urge to resolve his issues with his mother. He needs to make peace with his past, and get ready for a fresh start.
This is his attempt of making all that possible.
... ... ...
The light atmosphere of the annual Swat charity raise made everyone feel the Christmas chills.
"You hear that?" Luca said, making Tan and Street listen to the kids playing in the background. "This is Christmas sound!"
The three cops were all smiles, looking at the great party their teammate organized.
"Deacon did a really good job here," Luca continued, observing every little detail around him.
"He sure did," Street said, stopping to pull the sweets cart. "This is really impressive," he sighed, always trying to keep a big smile stamped on his face while serving the hot cocoa to his latest young 'client'.
He hated to be pitied for his disadvantage childhood, but the whole situation was making resurface a lot of memories.
"So, this is how it works," 16 years old Mike explained to 14 years old Street. "You write down here what you want for Christmas, than the social workers try to make someone donate it, so they don't have to spend money for us. If you are lucky enough, you'll get what you asked for. All clear?"
"Yeah..." Street whispered, concentrating on what to write on the little card.
"Then they'll throw a 'party' at the institute, to make us feel at home... never worked for me in the last three years, though."
"Really?"
"Yeah, that's sad... but the younger once seem to appreciate that, so..." he raised his shoulders, and his tone was so cynical that made Street feel chills on his back.
"What?" Mike rolled his eyes. "What's wrong now?"
"Nothing!" Street hurried back. "Just... I didn't have these things in my foster home last year..." he said, overwhelmed by the new situation.
"Well, you were very lucky then."
"These kids need some little Hakuna Matata moments more than you can imagine, believe me," Street said, coming back to the present.
"Yeah, I feel that," Tan said. "After my father died, Christmas time has never been easy for us. Having something like this back then would be great."
"Well, this is great even for a cop descendant like me," Luca pointed out. "Having the chance to demonstrate people we are not the bad guys in their stories, and sharing with them anything good does not happen so often."
The 'who knows better the real meaning of Christmas' challenge was interrupted by a cute, little girl who placed herself next to Street and looked at him with a very powerful puppy look, patiently waiting to have the officer's attention.
"Hi," Street turned to her with one of his best smiles. "Do you want some chocolate?" he took a cup in his hand and showed it to her.
She stood there, staring at the dispenser without saying a word.
Street briefly glanced at his teammates then he filled the cup with the hot cocoa and offered it to her.
"Here you are, some sweet for the sweetest girl that came to me today," he said, keeping smiling big toward her, while she kept looking up, still silent, unsure if it was good to accept the gift.
"It's okay, this is for you," Street kindly encouraged her.
"Come on, take it." His expression could not be more welcoming and reassuring.
The girl reached for the cup with her tiny hands and immediately took a sip of the warm liquid.
"It's good, isn't it?" Street kept trying to interact with her.
She looked up once again with half her face covered in brown, and then she just ran away, exactly as she came, soundless.
Street slightly shook his head, chuckling.
"You are such a Heartbreaker," Luca teased him, laughing.
Street was about to say something back, when he felt his shirt pulled and looked down. The little girl was back, trying to draw his attention again.
"Oh, hey, what happened?" He kindly looked at her. "Do you want some more already?"
She again just stood there, silent, till she finally made him a sign to reach her high.
Street looked at his teammates with his eyebrows raised, then he ducked next to her.
"Thank you," she whispered in his ear and kissed him, leaving her mark on his cheek. Then she disappeared again, leaving the cops there, staring at the void.
As Street got up on his feet, the three of them looked at each other laughing.
"Kids are so awesome," Luca said, looking around at the all the joyful little humans.
"Yeah," Street whispered, remembering his own time as a shy, insecure kid just like that.
"Is this for me?" 11 years old Street asked to his parents.
"Take it, before I change my mind!" his father harshly replied.
"Of course it is, Jimmy," his mother kindly said. "Come on, open it."
"Can I? Really?" he asked again, looking up to his father.
"Ah! Do what you want kid; I'm done with this crap," the man said, heading to the fridge. "I need a beer."
"Hey, earth to Street. You're with us?" Luca interrupted his thoughts. "I was saying that I'm gonna have my lovely time hitting LA's deserts streets with my '68 Chevy, chilling with friends-"
"Yeah, I was listening," Street tried to dissimulate his discomfort.
That was the past, focus on the present, he thought, chasing away the memory of that last Christmas spent all together with both his parents.
"And Tan was just telling me he's headed to Hawaii!" Luca continued. "He's gonna have his sweet time with white beaches, big wave, and cute girls-"
"Wait," Tan interrupted him. "I'm well located in that department, I'm not looking for some girl to fill any gaps in my life, and I remind you that I'm taking my mom there."
"Yeah, yeah, right." Luca pulled out one of his big smiles. "Anyway, what about you, Street? Am I gonna have you in my hair, or you have some good plans?"
"Hawaii, uh? With your mom..." Street carefully dodged the question, putting all the attention back on his friend's holiday plans.
"That's sounds really good." He sighed.
"Really good..." he loudly exhaled, trying to hide a note of jealousy.
"Yeah, I mean, she really deserves that, and I'm really hooked up to finally spend some quality time with her after so long."
"I feel you..." Street forced a smile, trying hard again to hide his real feelings. "It really sounds like a perfect Christmas..."
The other two cops stared at him, noticing his expression changed.
"Spit it up, what's wrong?" Luca tried to make him talk.
"It's nothing, just..." Street tried to avoid eye contact. "This is never been the best time of the year for me, that's all."
Oh! I'm an idiot! Tan thought, immediately understanding what was off with his friend. I'm here giggling about the perfect vacation with my own mother while he his situation his...
"Oh come on, you don't seem an actual Grinch to me!" Luca insisted.
"I'm not, you're right..." Street reluctantly answered the question. "Whoa, it is really weird to say that out loud, you know?"
The other two cops kept looking at him straight, not letting him distract them with a simple joke.
"Don't worry Luca, I'm not gonna give you any trouble," Street continued, still avoiding the real point of the whole conversation.
"Hey! I did not mean that," Luca raised the tone of his voice.
"You'd better give up mate, you know we are not letting you go away with this," Tan added, feeling his friend needed to get something out of his chest, but still not having the courage to.
"Fine," Street looked around, as to make sure no one else was listening.
"It's-It's my mom, alright?"
"Of course it is-" Luca let it slip from his mouth, causing Tan to hit him with is elbow, looking bad at him.
"You know... This is the first Christmas she spends out of prison in 18 years..." He looked up to them. "Have you any idea how hard I've dreamed of this moment growing up?
"To have a Christmas with her without bars on the windows?" He exhaled.
"Yeah," Luca muttered, not knowing what else to say to comfort him.
"And now that I could finally have that-" Street let out a frustrated grunt.
"Hey, things get complicated even for the best families during Christmas time." Luca tried to cheer him up. "I remember a Christmas where my uncle D-" Tan tapped him on his arm again and shook his head, stopping him from finishing his story.
"Yeah, complicated..." he soundly exhaled, while memories kept hitting him hard.
13 years old Street was staring at the Christmas cookies on the table.
When he finally found the courage to reach for them, one of the other kids living there abruptly took the sweet from his hands.
"You can't have this! These are not for you!"
"I'm sorry... I-I didn't know..." he tried to apologize, looking down at the floor to not face them.
"Actually, nothing here is for you," The older kid of the group said, pricking him.
"That's not true, I-I'm exactly like you..." Street muttered, timidly trying to oppose.
"Oh, no you're nothing like us, sissy!" the kid said, pulling him on the ground.
"Ahi..." Street whined, still looking down, not having the courage to oppose to those bullies.
"Hey, Al, look at this!" The third kid picked up a small toy, one that you can find as a surprise in some snacks' packet.
"No! That's mine! Give it back!" Street got up, trying to get back the little thing.
"Well, too late, now it's mine!" The older kid took it from the hands of his mate.
"That's not fair, my mom gave it to me... please, give it back!" He begged them.
"Your mommy gave it to you?" The kids started to mock him. "Come, come get it if you want it so hard."
Street tried to reach out for the toy, but the bullies pulled him on the ground again.
"You're such a sissy!" they all started laughing at him.
"...complicated, I know." He took back control of himself.
"I spent the holidays with a different family every year during my foster time. Messy families are not new to me." After that sharing, Tan and Luca looked at each other, heartbroken.
"Hey, I wasn't being serious before," Luca said. "You can always stay with me and my buds on Christmas day."
"Yeah, thanks for the offer, but I'm really used to get by me; I'm gonna be fine."
Hearing his friend talking like that, Luca's heart broke again.
"You know, maybe after all I will give her a last chance..." Street added, seriously thinking about that.
"Oh, come on, stop looking at me like I was a lost puppy!" He tried to lift everyone's spirit up again. "That's why I didn't want to bring that on you, you should not be worrying for me! We're here for these people-" He made them look around. "Don't let this ruin the fun."
... ... ...
Street arrived at his old apartment and instinctively reached for the keys. Trying to insert them in the keyhole, he suddenly remembered that was not his home anymore, so he decided it was better to knock.
While he was waiting for his mother to come, his mind went back at their first Christmas after her arrest.
"Come on, go, we don't have all day!" The social worker said to 12 years old Street. "I'll be here if you need anything. Just go and do your thing, hurry up."
"Oh, Jimmy," Karen entered the visiting room. "It's so good to see you baby!"
"Mom!" he promptly approached his mother who hugged him tight.
"Always keep your hands where I can see them," a guard interrupted the moment.
"Don't bother him baby, let's sit." She guided him to the little table.
"Here, take this." She gave him a package of cookies she bought in prison's shop. "I'm sorry, there was not much of a choice here."
"It's okay, I like them," he said, noticing her harsh tone. "They don't let me have sweets too often where I'm living now..."
She looked bad at the social worker in the corner of the room. "Oh, that's-"
"Here!" he interrupted her, giving her a little Christmas card. "I made this for you... They said you would not be able to keep any other kind of gifts..."
"It's beautiful Jimmy." She smiled to him. "I only wish I could be out there with you."
"I'm sorry mom... It's all my fault! Street's eyes were full of tears. "I should have told the cops what you told me to..."
"Jimmy!" Karen opened the door, awakening Street from his daydream.
"Happy Christmas, mom." He smiled to her.
"Oh, baby, it is so good to see you, come on in, come." She made some room for him, leading him inside.
"Mom-"
"Don't worry, there is no alcohol and no drugs here; I'm perfectly clean, I swear." She didn't even let him open his mouth. "My parole officer was here last week, and I just passed a drug test."
"I believe you, mom, but-"
"I'm sorry for the mess," she tried to clean the living room as best as she could. "I had so much to do..."
"It's-it's okay." He stopped her from continuing the tide up.
"I have been so busy with the dinner-" she froze, "Oh, gosh, the dinner!" she ran to the oven and took out a small, almost burned turkey. "Aw, no, no, no! Damn it!" she raised her voice.
"It's okay mom!" Street said, noticing frustration was getting the best on her.
"It's good, it's-" he made her look him straight, "It's actually perfect."
"Don't pity me, now."
"I'm not," he reassured her. "I'm here; you are here; and look!" he made an eloquent gesture with his hand. "No bars at the windows; no bare concrete surrounding us; no social workers watching every step we do, and no armed guard telling us what we can do or don't.
"Isn't this perfect?"
"Yes," she cooled down. "You're right. It is." She took a deep breath.
"I'm really glad you came."
"Yeah, me too." He kindly smiled at her.
"You can sit on the couch and watch some TV while I finish cooking; it's that okay for you?"
"I can help you, if you-"
"Oh, baby, please, let me do this for you," she insisted.
"Yeah, sure." He could only indulge her.
"I know the way, thanks." Street settled in, and the memories hit him again.
"Shh, make it quiet Jimmy, we don't want to awake him."
Young Street looked toward the living room, seeing his father unconscious on the couch. That was the only bright side of that awful man's drinking habit: him collapsing somewhere and leaving him and his mother alone.
"Will he gonna be mad when he wakes up, will he not?"
"Dinner's ready, you can come now." Karen's voice awakened him again, making him winch.
"You okay baby?" she asked, noticing that.
"Yes, I'm-I'm sorry, I was lost in thought."
They sat around the kitchen table, with Karen filling her son's plate with all she cooked for him. "I tried my best, hope this is something eatable."
"I'm sure it's great..." he distractedly answered.
"You're worried." She sat down, helpless.
"It's nothing..." he looked at her, deciding if it was the right moment to speak up.
"Look," he took in a deep breath, can't holding his feelings anymore. "I realized something till the last time we saw each other, and I really need to say it out loud."
"Did I do something wrong again?"
"Oh, no, no, it's-it's not that."
Well, not recently and not that I know of at least, he thought, trying to choose his next words with caution.
"Okay, listen... during all these years waiting for you to get out of prison, I really hoped we could retrieve all those things we missed when I was a child. But the truth is we can't. None of us is the same as 18 years ago. We can't be. And we can't have it back."
"You know why all that happened, you know that all I did was for you!"
"Mom, don't. Please, let me finish.
"I've spent too much time feeling guilty for this, for all has happened to you, but it's time for me to admit that it was not my fault and go on with my life." He watched her carefully, to spot her reaction.
"And I think it's time for you to do the same."
"You came here only to slam this on my face? You're cruel! It was all for you, all I have ever done!"
"Come on, that's not fair mom!" He stopped for a good moment to avoid to lose his cool.
"I was only a child, I couldn't chose to leave him. But you could, and instead you decided to stay."
"I had not so much choice, you can't understand! I did that for you!"
"Stop repeating that! Just stop blaming me!" He had to pause again, acknowledging this time he was really losing it.
"Look, I am grateful that you took dad off of my life for good, I really am.
"He was going to do the same to us one day, I know that. But there were other ways, and you made your choice on your own, and making me an unaware part of that plan wasn't fair." He could clearly see her rage growing and growing.
"Alright, let's stop this, I didn't mean to argue with you today." He took her hands in his.
"What I really meant was that we can't change the past. I need to leave all that beyond. What is done is done, and I am not a child anymore. I don't need you as much as I did back then."
"So you came here only to tell me you don't want to have anything to do with me anymore?" She freed from his grab and looked away.
"Right when I need you the most?" her voice was cracked, and full of rage.
"Slow down, I didn't say that!" he made her face him again.
"I still need you, and I know you still need me. Just, we can't take back from when we stopped. I can't be the child you have to protect, but moreover I can't be the parent in this relationship while you adapt to your new life."
"I've never asked you that."
"I know, but that's how I felt."
"So, what now?" Karen finally decided to surrender.
"Now we can be a mother and a son getting to know each other.
"Two adults being both adults." Street felt like he was just liberated from a weight he carried for almost 20 years.
He kept looking carefully at her. She was not convinced, and she clearly didn't know how to behave in a situation like that.
"Hey, look at me," he took her hand in his again, this time with all the kindness he could.
"I'm here for you today, just focus on that, no need to think about anything else right now."
She looked at him with watery eyes, speechless.
"Let's enjoy this first Christmas without bars, let's be a real family again." He finally hit the mark, making her smile genuinely for the first time in almost 20 years.