The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is covered in snow. Just some mad little fun and fluff and destruction from my tiny mind as the Figgis Agency goes on...
The Frost Weekend
"You're going on a cruise?" Lana barked into the phone. "Whatever happened to staying by Archer's side? Whatever happened to being there when he woke up?"
"Whatever happened to my social life?" Mallory remarked. She was at the airport talking on her phone in the waiting area. "It's only for a weekend. I'm going on one of those Alaskan cruise ships that shows whales and glaciers."
"I would think those are the last things you would be interested in," Lana said. "The closest thing you like about glaciers is the ice in your drink."
"True," Mallory shrugged. "I probably won't care for the scenery much. But apparently this is all the rage now. A way for women my age to meet gentlemen of a certain standard."
"So, you are looking for whales?" Lana quipped.
"Only the two-legged black platinum credit card kind," Mallory said. "Who am I kidding? I'll settle for gold standard."
"Nice to see you're lowering yours."
"Well I can't wait forever for Ron to come to his senses," Mallory sniffed. "I should be home by Tuesday. If Sterling does wake up before I come home tell him too little too late!"
"Trust me," Lana sighed. "He'll get the message. Happy hunting."
"Please," Mallory waved. "Me on a ship with all those men. It will be like catching alcoholic fish in a barrel full of scotch. I'll call you Tuesday."
Mallory hung up the phone. "I wonder if they sell those little bottles of scotch?"
Meanwhile back at the Figgis Agency…
"Ms. Archer is going on an Alaskan cruise to meet men?" Ray asked. He and Pam were in Lana's office.
"In other words, she's trying to find another sucker," Pam remarked.
"That is the gist of it yes," Lana nodded.
"Ms. Archer in Alaska searching for cocktails and men," Ray quipped. "For her it will be a frost weekend."
"Ironically it will be for us too," Lana said. "I promised I'd take AJ to Frosty Kingdom tomorrow."
"Frosty Kingdom?" Ray asked.
"Basically, Santa's Village combined with Story Land," Lana said. "It's just outside of LA. So…"
Cut scene to the next day…
"So, we're all going?" Ray sighed as the gang with AJ entered the gates of Frosty Kingdom. It was covered in simulated icicles with images of happy snow themed characters dancing around.
"Yes, but I have no idea why all of you are coming with us," Pam said. "I know I'm coming because I want to. And Ray is here because Lana begged him to come. Phrasing…"
"I didn't beg Ray to come," Lana snapped.
"She's right," Ray remarked. "She threatened me."
"I did not!" Lana snapped.
"Did too," Ray said.
"Did not!" Lana told him.
"Did too!" Ray said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"HEY!" AJ snapped. "Play nice! I mean it!"
"She started it," Ray pointed to Lana.
"Be nice!" AJ snapped.
"Fine," Ray shrugged. "Why is everyone else here? Krieger, I know this isn't exactly your scene. How did you get roped into this?"
"I'm the one who got the tickets!" Krieger told him. "Adal wrangled some of the reindeer so he has an in."
"How the hell did he wrangle reindeer in LA?" Ray asked incredulously.
"You'd be surprised what a lot of those old time Hollywood actors have on their mansions," Krieger shrugged. "When one of them passed on, his grandson wasn't exactly thrilled to find a herd of them on the tennis court."
"Yikes," Pam winced. "That could wreck your game."
"You don't want to know what he found in the garage," Krieger added.
"Then please don't tell us," Lana rolled her eyes.
"I want to research this place," Cheryl spoke up. "My company is interested in buying it. I thought I'd check it out."
"So, when you buy this place you can burn it to the ground?" Pam asked.
"You know me so well," Cheryl grinned. A child sneezed nearby. "Ugh! Baby germs! Ugh!"
"I think that one is technically a toddler," Ray remarked. "Cyril why are you here?"
"Because honestly I have nothing better to do," Cyril sighed. "I wish to God I did! But I don't!"
"This is a cute little theme park," Lana said as they looked around.
"Too bad it's filled with evil little germ sacks," Cheryl was repulsed. "I swear when I buy this place, they will be the first to go!"
"You do realize this is a children's theme park, right?" Ray asked.
"It won't be when I'm through with it," Cheryl grumbled.
"Cyril!" AJ grabbed his hand. "Ride the Happy Sleigh with me! Ride the Happy Sleigh with me!"
"Okay…" Cyril was resigned to his fate.
"Look at that," Pam remarked. "AJ is bossing Cyril around just like Lana used to do!"
"Like mother like daughter," Ray quipped.
"You know…?" Cyril glared at them before AJ pulled them away.
"I guess I should go after them," Lana sighed.
"Go ahead," Pam waved. "I'm going to look for something to eat."
"Quelle surprise," Ray quipped.
"Just for that Snarky Pete I won't give you any bearclaws I find!" Pam snapped.
"You never give me any bearclaws," Ray remarked.
"Then I'm in no danger of breaking my perfect record," Pam remarked. "Come on Neck Bones!" She took Cheryl with her.
"Should we be worried?" Ray sighed.
"Honestly I'm way past caring," Lana admitted. She looked around. "Where did Krieger go?"
"Are there any animatronics in this park?" Ray asked.
"I don't know," Lana blinked.
"If there are," Ray said. "Odds are Krieger will find them."
"Well that's just something to look forward to," Lana groaned.
"WHEEEEE!" AJ was heard squealing with delight.
"AAAAHHHHH!" Cyril was heard yelling.
"Isn't that a little fast for a children's ride?" Ray blinked as they watched AJ and Cyril on the ride.
"Well they are wearing harnesses," Lana said. "And it doesn't go upside down or that high up so I guess it's okay. Besides, AJ loves it when she goes fast."
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!" AJ squealed.
"OH GOD MAKE IT STOP!" Cyril wailed.
"Eh, she's fine," Lana said.
"Yeah that looks totally safe," Ray said.
"I THINK I'M SEEING THE SPEED OF LIGHT!" Cyril wailed.
"WHOOOPIEEE!" AJ squealed. "FASTER! FASTER!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cyril moaned.
"None of the kids are even crying," Lana said. "Only Cyril. And he doesn't count so…"
"So, do you want to go on that ride?" Ray asked.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Cyril screamed.
"Noooope," Lana shook her head.
"Me either," Ray admitted.
Meanwhile Pam and Cheryl were walking around. "This place isn't half bad," Pam remarked as she ate some cotton candy. "The food court is halfway decent."
"I like cotton candy," Cheryl grinned as she ate some. "And I like the sugar rush even more! I know it's not exactly glue and groovy bears, but it's a halfway decent substitute."
"Yeah let's get you all nice and hyper for the day," Pam quipped. "Hey look over there!"
A mini parade was going by. A woman with blonde hair in a white and blue princess outfit wearing a tiara waved from a glittering gold coach. "And don't forget, The Snowflake Princess Spectacular Show is this afternoon!" An announcer said.
"They got shows at Frosty Kingdom," Pam said. "Cool. I made a pun. Get it?"
"I wanna be The Snowflake Princess!" Cheryl giggled. Then her face grew serious. "I really want to be The Snowflake Princess."
"You're going to do something stupid, crazy and violent aren't you?" Pam sighed.
"Yup," Cheryl giggled.
"Well you're going to have to start without me," Pam said. "Because I see some cupcakes I want to try. Plus, you know? The whole deniability thing when they drag you away."
"No problem," Cheryl shrugged. "See ya!" Cheryl skipped away. But not before sticking what was left of her cotton candy on the head of a small child.
"I really should do something," Pam sighed as the child cried and the mother had a hissy fit. "I've got it. First, I'll tackle one of those Bavarian Pretzels. Then I'll have the cupcakes."
Meanwhile somewhere in an underground garage…
"Hey are you the guy they sent to fix all this stuff?" A man in a pair of overalls asked Krieger. He pointed to several animatronic animals. "We've been waiting over two weeks for someone to come down here."
"Yup, Yup, Yup," Krieger grinned. "Just give me some tools and some space and I'm good to go!"
"Fine," The man pointed to some tools. "Then I can go on break!" He left the room.
"Oooh," Krieger's eyes lit up as he reached for some tools. "This will be fun!"
Let's go back to the fun and frolics in the park, shall we?
"WHEEEEEE!" AJ cheered as she rode another ride. This time it was a mini roller coaster in the shape of a blue dragon.
"AAAAAAAHHHH!" Cyril screamed.
"Oh, for crying out loud Cyril!" Lana called out as she and Ray watched. "This ride isn't that bad! I've driven through traffic faster than that!"
"That explains a few things," Ray remarked. "Speaking of fast, I wonder how Ms. Archer is doing?"
"Knowing her," Lana sighed. "She's probably trapped a silver fox on her hunt by now."
Meanwhile in Alaska…
"I can't believe it…" Mallory grumbled as she sat alone at a bar while several other older couples danced on a dance floor. "I can't believe a single man here won't put out!"
Back to the park…
"That was fun!" AJ skipped to her mother.
"Oh God that was a nightmare," Cyril moaned.
"Cyril man up!" Lana rolled her eyes. "AJ do you have to go potty?"
"No," AJ shook her head. "I wanna go on another ride."
"Well then take Uncle Cyril with you," Lana said. "Mommy has to go potty."
"Me too," Ray turned and left with Lana.
"But! But…" Cyril protested. He realized it was pointless. "Okay AJ what ride do you want to go on next?"
"Pony ride," AJ pointed. "I wanna go on the pony ride!"
"That's at least an extra ten dollars," Cyril blinked as he saw the sign. "Do you really wanna go on the pony ride?
"Yuuuup," AJ nodded. "Mommy said for you to watch me. You can watch me on the pony ride."
"You are getting more and more like your mother every day," Cyril remarked to AJ as she pulled him along. "Ow! AJ! Your hands are really strong!"
"Danger zone!" AJ cheered.
"With a little bit of your father thrown in," Cyril groaned.
Meanwhile…
"Let's see," Krieger was happily at work. "I'll throw this in. And this in. And a little of that."
The animatronic reindeer he was working on started to move. Its eyes started to glow ominously.
Back to the park…
"Of course," Cyril groaned as he sat on a bench with Ray. "Lana would go on the merry go round!" He was also holding several cute stuffed animals.
"Wheee!" AJ cheered as Lana held onto her daughter.
"They look so cute," Ray said as he took some video with his camera. He turned it off. "I'm sending it to Pam."
"Who will probably send it to everyone else," Cyril sighed. "Oh well at least this outing is helping my plan. Even if it isn't helping my life span. Or my wallet."
"Oh, what stupid scheme have you come up with now?" Ray groaned.
"It's not a stupid scheme," Cyril said. "It's a completely plausible one."
"I highly doubt it," Ray gave him a look. "Spill it."
"Let's just say during Archer's absence," Cyril paused. "I plan to make myself more available to Lana. AJ does need a positive male role model after all. And since her biological father is in a coma…"
"The man was shot, Cyril," Ray said.
"Due to a half drunken not well thought out plan," Cyril said. "Seriously, who has a robot double and doesn't let it get shot first? Or switch the gun with blanks?
"I admit Archer could have thought that one through better," Ray remarked.
"Cheryl could have thought that one through better!" Cyril snapped. "My point is, AJ needs a male role model. And while I step up to the plate, Lana is going to see what a responsible man I am. And she's going to have second thoughts. Well technically third or fourth thoughts. But she will have thoughts!"
"So should you!" Ray groaned. "Let me see if I get this straight. Your plan in its entirety is to be a surrogate daddy figure to AJ? In some desperate hope that Lana will see you as some kind of stable role model and run off with you?"
"Yes," Cyril nodded.
"You do realize this is the same woman that has seen you in a lot of other ways, right?" Ray looked at Cyril. "Such as…"
FLASHBACK!
"Hello!" Cyril was dressed in his G-string schoolboy outfit.
FLASHBACK!
"Hello!" Cyril was wearing only an apron and a chef's hat to cover his naked body. He was holding a bowl. "I've got the olive oil!"
FLASHBACK!
"Hello!" Cyril was wearing a leather outfit with ass-less chaps.
FLASHBACK!
"Hello!" Cyril wore brown short shorts, a deliveryman's hat and held a package. "Special delivery!"
FLASHBACK!
"Hello!" Cyril was dressed in an orange tight fitting superhero outfit. "I am Orgazmo! Here to give orgasms for women in need!"
FLASHBACK!
Cyril was in a white G-string and had a white flower hat over his face. And some flowers painted on his body. "Hello!"
FLASHBACK!
Cyril was running around the Skytanic wearing only his underwear and a skimpy pink bathrobe.
FLASHBACK!
"Hello!" Cyril was balls deep in Francois as Lana and Archer stood there in the elevator.
FLASHBACK!
"Hello!" Cyril was wearing only his underwear as he stormed out of the bathroom with a gun. "SUPRESSING FIRE!"
FLASHBACK!
"Hello…" Cyril said wobblily as he was taken away in a straightjacket. Brett of course was also being tended to paramedics because he was bleeding.
FLASHBACK!
"Hello…" Cyril groaned as he was caught naked with Pam on his desk.
FLASHBACK!
Cyril was in the tank in San Marcos looking like Mike Dukakis.
FLASHBACK!
"PLEASE TAKE ME BACK!" Cyril was crying on his knees in front of Lana. "PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"You do realize that last one was more humiliating and embarrassing than all those other instances combined right?" Ray asked.
"I am aware of that, yes!" Cyril groaned.
"I have to ask…" Ray asked. "What was with the daisy costume?"
"Rite of Spring sex act," Cyril admitted. "Her idea…"
"Obviously," Ray snorted.
"Anyway, I'm aware that this plan may not exactly turn out the way I want to," Cyril said. "Getting Lana back that is. However, there is another angle which works in my favor."
"Which is?" Ray folded his arms. "I can't wait to hear this one."
"Every minute I spend with AJ is a minute that Archer's isn't," Cyril said. "I am the one spending precious moments with his daughter that Archer will never get back! Even if I can't get Lana, I can get AJ on my side for being Uncle Cyril."
"Hang on," Ray did a double take. "You're planning on using AJ to get back at Archer?"
"She just took me for fifty bucks for a pony ride and some stuffed animals," Cyril said. "Trust me, she's not being taken advantage of. If you think about it, she does get the better end of the deal. She gets a father figure that isn't Archer!"
"Your plan to get back at Archer is to be with his child?" Ray did a double take.
"After what that man has done for me I want him to suffer!" Cyril said. "What better way to make him suffer than to realize what a shitty father he is? And I raised AJ better than he ever could!"
"Damn Cyril," Ray whistled. "That's pretty twisted."
"Thank you," Cyril grinned. "I've always wanted a kid anyway. I don't have any of my own. Might as well take Archer's."
"You really think you can make Archer jealous by spending time with AJ?" Ray asked.
"It's worth a shot," Cyril shrugged.
"You know if Archer figures this out and gets mad you will be shot?" Ray asked. "You know this right?"
"Eh, odds are he may not wake up from his coma for years," Cyril waved. "If at all! Until then I am making the most of it."
"Cyril," Ray groaned. "This is wrong for so many reasons…Mostly because it won't work!"
"What won't work?" Lana asked as she walked over with AJ.
"My sweater vest," Cyril said quickly. "You know Ray and fashion. He thinks my shirt doesn't quite match."
"I can see that," AJ nodded thoughtfully. "Cyril! Cyril! I want you to play the Penguin Slide game with me! Please play the Penguin Slide game with me Pleeeeeeeeeeeeaase?"
"Okay…" Cyril said as he let AJ drag him off to a nearby arcade type game. "Watch AJ's prizes!"
"I think AJ has enough prize to open her own toy store," Lana remarked.
"Lana, I have to talk to you," Ray said. "I'm your friend and I have to say something. It's about Cyril…"
"What?" Lana said. "Did he tell you his master plan to try to get back together with me by becoming a surrogate father to AJ?"
"You know?" Ray asked, shocked.
"Oh, come on Ray," Lana waved. "It was so freaking obvious. It's so obvious even Captain Obvious thinks it's too obvious."
"Well I'm glad somebody is using their brain around here," Ray groaned. "You gotta talk to Cyril and tell him this is unacceptable."
"Are you insane?" Lana snapped. "He's already offered to babysit more! I'm not going to give that up!"
"What?" Ray did a double take.
"Do you have any idea how much babysitters cost?" Lana asked. "I know I can't always use Cyril but he's good in a pinch! And AJ loves him. And she's practically got him wrapped around her little finger so I'm not worried about her getting hurt. I mean look at these toys he bought her. I bet this seal alone costs more than a good handbag."
"Let me get this straight," Ray sighed. "You're using Cyril so you can save a buck on babysitting and toys?"
"There's more to it than that," Lana said.
"Of course there is," Ray groaned.
"If you think about it, Cyril being a father figure isn't just a good thing for AJ," Lana said. "It's good for me."
"How?" Ray was stunned.
"Besides saving me money and giving me more free time? This will so teach Archer a lesson when he wakes up," Lana said. "Maybe knowing Cyril was raising his daughter will knock some sense into his brain? God knows he didn't use it when he got shot."
"But what about your daughter?" Ray asked.
"What about having a someone who isn't a total drunken asshole be a role model for her?" Lana said. "Don't worry. I'm not going to use Cyril all the time. Just when I need him. I'm a single working mother on a budget Ray! I have to take every advantage I can get!"
"You're going to take advantage of Cyril," Ray remarked. "While he takes advantage of your daughter?"
"Ray look over there," Lana pointed. "Tell me who is exactly taking advantage of whom?"
"The winner!" Cyril gave AJ a stuffed penguin.
"Thank you, Cyril," AJ batted her eyes at him. "Let's go on another ride!"
"Oh, AJ I…" Cyril moaned.
"I love you," AJ said innocently.
"Okay just one more," Cyril sighed as he let AJ drag him away. "But let's pick something slow for your Uncle Cyril this time. Your Uncle Cyril's back is wearing out…"
"See?" Lana shrugged. "Although I am going to have to have a talk with AJ to not be so hard on Cyril. I do want him rested enough for later in the week. I so need to get my nails done. It's been too long."
Ray was stunned. "I'm out!" He walked away.
"Where are you going?" Lana asked.
"Somewhere where I don't have to think!" Ray groaned as he walked away. "Because your crazy thoughts are catching!"
"What is his problem?" Lana was confused.
"Attention everyone!" An announcer spoke. "In twenty minutes, the Snowflake Princess show will be performed in the Snowflake Auditorium! Hurry up and get ready for your favorite non-Disney affiliated princess. I repeat, the Snowflake Princess is completely different than that other Disney princess! Not the same!"
"Come on down to the Kingdom of Snowflakes," The Announcer went on. "Where the inhabitants are actual snowflake people! Not snowmen! Completely different! Watch the Snowflake Princess sing and dance with her pet penguin. Got it? It's a penguin! Not a reindeer or a snowman! Take that lawyers!"
"Something tells me their legal department is having problems," Cyril said as he walked up with AJ.
"YOU DON'T OWN EVERYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH SNOW, DISNEY!" The Announcer shouted. "THERE'S NO TRADEMARK ON SNOW!"
"Apparently they're not the only ones," Lana blinked. "I thought you two were going on a ride?"
"AJ wanted to see the princess show instead," Cyril said.
"I DON'T NEED MY MEDICATION!" The Announcer screamed as a scuffle was heard. "I'M FINE! JUST FINE! GET AWAY FROM ME!"
"Something tells me we're going to get a show," Lana groaned.
Soon Lana, AJ and Cyril were making their way through the bleachers at an outdoor auditorium. "Hey! Over here!" Pam waved. She had several snacks with her. "Where's Ray?"
"Oh, he's off pouting somewhere," Lana shrugged as they sat down. "I can't imagine why. Where's Cheryl? And Krieger?"
"I have no idea," Pam shrugged.
"Oh, that's certainly not a cause for concern," Cyril said sarcastically.
"If they do anything just pretend we don't know them," Lana said.
"That was the plan," Cyril said.
Pam turned to a well-dressed couple with two small children next to her. "See? I told you I was holding the seats for someone!"
Pam then turned to Lana and Cyril. "Where the hell were you guys? These buttholes were whining like douches about me holding your seats!"
"You should watch your language!" The mother gasped in shock.
"That is her watching her language," Lana sighed. "Believe me, I've tried."
"We had to put AJ's toys in the van," Cyril explained.
"I gotta haul!" AJ cheered.
"Good for you!" Pam grinned as she chomped on a pretzel. "Damn these pretzels are sweet! Want some AJ?"
"Is she allowed to have a pretzel?" Cyril asked. "Are they too high in salt?"
"Just a taste will be fine," Lana said as Pam broke off a piece and gave it to AJ. "AJ what do we say?"
"Damn sweet!" AJ chirped.
"Oh, dear God…" The mother of the well-dressed couple gasped.
"That's what you get for bad parenting," The father sniffed.
"HEY!" Lana, Pam and Cyril snapped.
"Mommy! The show's starting!" AJ pointed.
"Fine," Lana decided to let it pass as dancers dressed as snowflakes danced around the stage.
"Once upon a time," A female announcer spoke. "There was a beautiful kingdom of snowflake people. And the ruler of this kingdom was the Snowflake Princess."
"Is this a God damn Frozen rip off?" Pam asked.
"SHH!" The father next to her said.
"SHHH yourself!" Pam snapped. "Well is it?"
"Not according to the park," Cyril said. "It's a completely different and original non-Disney princess that happens to be affiliated with snow."
"And has penguins instead of reindeer," Lana added as dancers dressed as penguins entered onstage.
"So basically, they went as close as they could to the line without going over?" Pam asked.
"Pretty much yes," Cyril said. "Look it's just going to be a cute kid's show with a princess dancing around. How bad could it be?"
However, when the curtains in the back of the stage opened up it was Cheryl sauntering out wearing a white and blue gown and a tiara on her head. "Hello everyone! My name is Princess Cheryl Snow! What's yours?"
"Oh, dear God…" Cyril's face went white.
"Here we go…" Lana sighed. "AJ honey we might leave the park a little earlier than we planned."
"With fewer people than we came with," Cyril added.
"I am the princess!" Cheryl grinned as she pranced along the stage. "Princess Cheryl Snow of the Pointy Headed People! I spend my days singing and dancing with my animal friends. As well as sniffing glue and finding hot guys to have sex with. Preferably choke sex but you know? I'll do pretty much anything in a pinch."
"Well," Cyril remarked as the crowd gasped. "They certainly can't confuse her with a Disney princess."
"Inappropes," AJ said.
"You said it kiddo," Pam groaned.
"Okay according to that script thing, I saw backstage I'm supposed to bang this Glacier Prince guy," Cheryl said. "I might or might not depending on how hot he is. But I'm certainly not going to marry him! Little girls, you don't have to marry boys you like! Just date the hell out of them and dump them when you get bored!"
"Oh God…" Cyril moaned.
"Because all that's important in life," Cheryl grinned. "What's really important is how much fun and partying you do before you die. Screw your family! Let's party!"
"Good news for Disney," Cyril sighed. "This is as far away from their princess as it could possibly be!"
"I think it would be best if we got as far away from this as we could possibly be," Lana spoke up.
"I told you going to this Disney rip off would be a bad idea!" The mother snapped to her husband. "Look at the riff raff our children are being exposed to!"
"You'd better be talking about the bitch onstage," Pam glared at the mother.
Suddenly a blonde woman wearing long underwear and a corset came out. "She's not the Snowflake Princess! I am! That witch stole my clothes!"
"How did you get out of the closet?" Cheryl asked.
"Phrasing!" Pam whooped.
"Get her!" The blonde pointed to some security guards.
"Can't catch me!" Cheryl laughed as she ran away, trashing the set and throwing aside dancers and she ran. "HA HA HA HA!"
"I knew we'd get some kind of show," Cyril groaned.
"Hey guys! Guys!" Krieger ran up to them. He stepped on a few toes of other patrons getting to them. "Sorry! Sorry!"
"Where have you been?" Lana asked. "Don't tell me. Let me guess. You found some animatronic robots. Fooled around with their programming. And now they're on a rampage. Am I right?"
"Wow that is spot on," Krieger blinked. "How did you…?"
"That's what you always do!" Lana snapped. "Remember Grizzlebee's?"
"To be fair," Cyril pointed. "They're not the only ones rampaging."
Cheryl was leading the security forces on a merry chase, and trashing the set as well. She knocked down one part of the set to reveal Ray and a man dressed in a blue prince costume kissing. "Hello…" Ray said weakly.
"Hello!" Cheryl stopped to look at him. "Aww man did you get to the Glacier Prince's pole first?"
"We were working up to that," Ray admitted.
That was when the security team tackled Cheryl. "PRINCESS DOWN!" Cheryl screamed as she tried to fight them off. "PRINCESS DOWN!"
"HEY!" Ray said as he and the prince were apprehended. "What did we do? We didn't do anything! We didn't get a chance!"
"Oh boy…" Pam said. "I'm on it!"
With a Tarzan like yell Pam leapt from seat row to seat row like King Kong and made her way to the stage. She quickly engaged in a fight with the security guards. Soon Ray and the prince were fighting as well.
"WE NEED BACKUP!" One security officer shouted as Pam held him in a headlock. "WE NEED BACKUP!"
"We can't!" His radio shouted. "The animatronic animals have gone nuts! They're chasing the guests!"
"I knew it!" Lana snapped. She glared at Krieger. "You just had to screw around with the robots, didn't you?"
"This is just like the rampage at Grizzlebee's all over again!" Cyril groaned.
"I didn't mean for them to rampage!" Krieger told them. "I was just trying to raise the bar a little bit!"
"Why do we bring you anywhere?" Cyril moaned. "Seriously? Why?"
"Why are we still here instead of leaving?" The mother said to her husband.
"I agree!" The husband snarled. "Let's get away from the stench of trash!"
"HEY!" Lana, Cyril and Krieger snapped.
"Hurtful," Krieger pouted.
"Okay I get why you'd say that about some of us," Cyril said. "But uh, not all of us okay? Including the kid!"
"Yeah watch your language!" Lana agreed.
"I mean that about all of you!" The husband snarled. "The child included."
"Well then I just have to say…" Cyril paused. Before tackling the man and punching him.
"Oh, for crying out loud Cyril!" Lana snapped. "Stop acting like a macho idiot and…"
WHAM!
"Seriously?" Lana glared at the woman who had punched her in the face.
"That should have worked a lot better than it did," The woman gulped. "My self defense instructor said that would knock anyone out."
"Maybe someone in your weight class," Lana cracked her knuckles. "Krieger, watch AJ!"
"AAAAAHHH!" The woman screamed as Lana tackled her.
The two boys with the family looked in horror. "Mommy!" The smaller boy said.
"Kick her fat ass Mom!" The bigger boy shouted.
"RRARRRRR!" AJ tackled the bigger boy and knocked him down.
"OWWWWW!" The boy wailed.
"I'm watching her!" Krieger called out. "Wow AJ has a good right hook!"
Let's fast forward to the next day, shall we? Back to the Figgis Agency…
"Well it's official," Lana groaned as she talked to Mallory on her phone. "We've been banned from another theme park. We just got the official restraining order banning all of us from Frosty Kingdom. What's left of it."
"Do I even want to know?" Mallory sighed on the phone.
"Only the usual," Lana shrugged. "Krieger souped up some animatronic animals that went on a rampage. Pam acted like an animal. Cheryl made a royal ass of herself…."
"That's par for the course," Mallory groaned. "What about you, Cyril and Gillette?"
"Cyril and I got into a little fight with some stuck-up assholes," Lana admitted. "AJ bit one of the kids. She did rather well for her first brawl."
"And Gillette?" Mallory asked. "What did he do?"
"The Glacier Prince," Lana said. "Who turned out to be the nephew of the owner. So, we didn't get arrested. Just banned."
"At least Gillette knows how to take one for the team," Mallory groaned. "I take it the Glacier Prince and the Robot Queen are running off for a romp in a nearby bed and castle?"
"More like his man crush ran off to an Air B&B in San Francisco," Lana admitted. "With the guy who takes the tickets for one of the rides. Speaking of rides, how is your cruise going?"
"It was a complete and total bust!" Mallory bristled. "Not only were there no eligible gentlemen there, it turned out to be some kind of weird geriatric couple's cruise for Midwestern morons! That's why I'm coming home."
"Wait I thought you weren't coming back until Tuesday?" Lana asked.
"I decided to leave that snore fest!" Mallory snapped. "I've been at funerals that were livelier!"
"You left?" Lana asked. "Or were you asked to leave?"
"Ummmm…." Mallory paused.
FLASHBACK!
SMASH!
"FINE YOU BASTARDS!" Mallory was half drunk and throwing bottles at people on the dance floor. "None of you are man enough to handle me anyway!"
"Stay away from our husbands, you whore!" A woman shouted.
Mallory smashed another bottle and held it like a weapon. "Who said that? Which one of you bitches want to lose a tongue?"
FLASHFORWARD!
"I left of my own accord," Mallory sniffed. "Too many uptight bitches."
"Uh huh," Lana rolled her eyes knowing full well Mallory was lying. "Are you at the airport?"
"I'm at…" Mallory looked around at the third-rate airport. "An airport. Some place called Moose Head or Moose Neck…Whatever. Not exactly JFK but it will have to do."
"YO!" Someone called out. "EVERYBODY WHO WANTS TO GET ON THE PLANE OUT OF HERE, GET ON NOW! MOVE IT!"
"This does not bode well," Mallory groaned. "If I die, Lana you have my permission to sue the airline. And the cruise ship for false advertising!"
"I'll keep it in mind," Lana sighed. "What time do you want me to pick you up?"
"Since God only knows I believe I'd be better off with a cab," Mallory groaned. "I'll try to communicate with you by Tuesday. Although judging by the state of the plane that might end up being the screams recorded in the black box. I'll see you later."
Mallory hung up the phone and went off to the plane. "There better be some decent drinks on this flight."
Meanwhile back at the Figgis Agency Pam and Ray were talking and having drinks in the bullpen. "Let me get this straight," Pam said. "Cyril's plan is to become a father figure to AJ in order to not only stick it to Archer, but to get into Lana's good graces?"
"That's it in a nutshell," Ray nodded. "And considering how nuts Cyril is…"
"I'm getting to that part," Pam interrupted. "So Lana not only knows about the plan, she's taking advantage of Cyril to raise her kid while she's working? And get back at Archer?"
"That's right," Ray said.
"Cyril does realize this is how Woodhouse started out, right?" Pam asked.
"I don't think it's occurred to him," Ray shook his head. "No."
"That poor deluded bastard," Pam sighed. "And Lana has no idea that she's acting exactly like Ms. Archer?"
"Apart from the fact that she's not a drunken bitch committing serious child abuse," Ray added. "No."
"Just when I thought this stupid love triangle couldn't get any stupider…" Pam groaned. "Hell, just when I thought Cyril couldn't get any stupider!"
"Okay Cyril come on," Lana said as she and AJ walked into the bullpen.
"Coming!" Cyril said as he walked in carrying a picnic basket and some other things.
"Where the hell are you going?" Pam asked.
"I've decided to take AJ to the park for a little picnic," Lana said.
"And I am coming along," Cyril said. "You know? Just to hang out. It's not weird."
"It's a little weird," Ray said.
"No, it's not," Cyril said. "We're just some friends having a picnic. Just friends. Buddies. Buddies who just happened to make a picnic lunch and are carrying it."
"Should we tell him?" Pam asked Ray.
"Honestly…" Ray sighed. "I don't think it would do any good if we did."
"Cyril you didn't forget the ice packs, did you?" Lana asked.
"I brought the ice," Cyril said.
"Good," Lana said. "We don't want our drinks to get warm now do we?" She smiled at AJ.
"Noope," AJ said innocently.
"Do we tell her?" Pam asked Ray.
"Again," Ray shook his head. "It won't do any good."
"Come on Cyril," Lana ordered.
"Come on Cyril," AJ parroted as they left.
"Coming!" Cyril went after them.
"I just realized we don't have a decent blanket," Lana said.
"No worries," Cyril said. "I shall fetch a rug."
"Wow," Pam shook her head. "History does repeat itself."
"Frightening isn't it?" Ray groaned as he took a drink.