A flashfic that I did for LJ community. :)
The day when Kagome was home, it was raining.
She could hear the thunderous pitter-patter of raindrops against the three-generation old roof tiles of the shrine house, while she knelt on all fours on the dirt-bottom of the well. Her jaw was slack as she stared dry-eyed at the ground, unable to fathom why she had been brought back to present day Tokyo when she was faraway from the Bone Eater's Well and in the middle of a crucial battle with Naraku.
Kagome clutched the bloodied jewel tightly while she climbed out from the well, and jumped into it again, hoping to get back to the battle scene as soon as possible and to help her dying feudal friends. But the well refused to work. She tried to land on her two feet, then on all fours, then falling backwards, then digging a small hole in the ground and burying the damned jewel...
She couldn't remember how many times she tried, but eventually sense got into her head when she was covered in dirt, bruises and skin-deep cuts. The noises of battle no longer echoed in her head and her worry and anxiety had turned into a horrible feeling that settled in the pit of her stomach as she recalled Kaede's words.
"Perhaps you have come here to fulfill your destiny, a role that only you can play."
Kagome looked blankly at the completed Shikon no Tama for a long, long while as realization dawned upon her, that she would never be able to return back to Sengoku Jidai. She had fulfilled her role in the completion of the jewel, had done what Kikyou hadn't then, and had helped in protecting the jewel from Mr Evil Badass. She stared at the cursed stone, which was now dulled pink in colour and resting in the cradle of her palm. Dazedly, she slowly crawled out from the shrine-well and with trembling fingers, slid open the heavy shoji doors.
And there he was, standing at the topmost step that led up to her house, with a frowning expression on his face while he hesitated under a big, red umbrella.
Kagome didn't know why, but seeing Houjou there in the windless rain made her heart ache with a sourness and bitterness that she had never felt before. He was still in his school uniform, with his hair combed neatly and carrying a paper bag with the other free hand. She opened her mouth, wanting to shout, for him to go away, not to bother her anymore, to look for someone else-
Until their eyes met.
His eyes widened considerably as he looked at Kagome who had stepped out from the shelter of the shrine and was soaked to the bone. Houjou ran to her and as he held his red umbrella over the shivering girl, he couldn't help but to notice the bruises and cuts on her arms and the glaring blood-stains on her white uniform-top.
"Kagome, what happened!"
She lifted up her head at the mention of her name (for he had always addressed her by her family name), caught his worried eyes and tried to reply. But it seemed so many words were clogged up in her head, and so many emotions choked up in her chest, that nothing came out from her quivering lips.
So she cried like a wailing, hungry baby as she latched onto a very stunned and shocked Houjou, whose umbrella and paper bag fell to the ground in a clatter that none of them heard.
But the rain did not wash away her pain.
Kagome stared listlessly at the window pane; it was still pouring outside. She wondered how many days it had rained while her eyes tried to follow the rivulets of raindrops on the glass.
Two? Three? Four? A week? Why were summer rains so frequent and so long sometimes? Like they would never go away.
She smiled a little at herself, for being so weak; Inuyasha would have scolded her, said something that might hurt her and sent her to cook ramen or bed. It was just him, always presenting his raw emotions and thoughts without thinking through, and expecting people to obey him without another word. Of course she had grown accustomed to him; hardening herself a bit more to take his verbal insults because she knew that he meant well and...
It was just him, Inuyasha.
"Kagome?"
The miko turned her head around and smiled, for she did not want to worry her mother, "Mama?"
"Do you want some hot milk?" That was her mother's way of asking her whether she was alright or not.
She shook her head and smiled with closing eyes, for she did not want her mother to see her cry. She might not be able to see Inuyasha for the rest of her life, might not be able to hear his gruffy voice nor hold his hands anymore, but she would be a brave person and get on with her life because she knew that would be something he would be pleased to know.
Kagome wanted to be a girl that Inuyasha could remember fondly of, just like Kikyou. That sunshine-like miko, with a fearless personality who could purify the Shikon no Tama and whom the village people looked up to. The woman who had helped Inuyasha, Miroku, Sango and Shippou in upholding justice and rescuing the weak and defenseless. She wanted to earn a place in his heart, the way Kikyou did and she no longer cared whether she was someone else's reincarnation or just a shard detector.
But all these no longer mattered, since she couldn't return to him anymore. No, not anymore. That chapter of her life was closed.
The moment the door clicked, she cried into her pillow until her throat was dry and her voice was hoarse. Two years had flown by, and even though she had tried her best to forget about Inuyasha, it seemed impossible to her. His shadow would somehow loiter at the back of her mind everyday, as if it was a reminder that no matter how much she thought she had moved on, the fact that he was part of her life then was irrefutable. Her mom had said many times there was no need to forget a person in order to move on. But exactly how she was going to achieve that by not forgetting Inuyasha was not mentioned. Such a seemingly impossible task was too daunting for her, and simply pretending that she had gotten over Inuyasha was so much easier.
When she couldn't cry anymore, she blearily looked up and spotted something outside the window. Blinking away the tears that blurred her vision, she hugged her tear-drenched pillow and walked to the shut window.
A red umbrella. Someone was holding a red umbrella, in the midst of the pouring rain and not moving.
She stared at the figure for a long, long while as things rolled around in her head; some clear, some hazy, some significant, some meaningless but all warm and revolving around her life.
The winds howled mercilessly against the cold glass pane, and the red umbrella tottered a little.
When Kagome caught a glimpse of his young and confused face, she knew what she had to do. Without another thought, she ran out of her bedroom, down the stairs and out of the house without a change of clothes nor umbrella in hand. She skipped a bit, over the dangerous-looking puddles as Houjou stared wide-eyed at her.
"Higurashi!" He'd reverted back to calling her by her family name, and she made a mental note to tell him not to next time.
"Houjou-kun! You'll be wet, please come in!" Kagome smiled happily at him although her heart was not lighter.
He was not sure whether the water on her face were her tears or the rain, "Higurashi... you'll fall sick running out like that!"
She swept her annoying fringe away that was plastered to her face, "It's alright, Houjou-kun will take care of me, isn't it?"
His lips parted at her words, and a blush rose to his cold cheeks, "I... I..."
"We will look like fools standing in the rain! Please come in before I fall sick!" Her smile remained, and only thoughts of being braver and stronger ran around in her head while she ushered in the new chapter of her life.
The rain continued outside.
Kagome knew that she was not as good a person as everyone else had believed. Well she could have been one, in the past that was. Everyone had ideals, and she felt that there was a need to conform to the higher standards of others because she was a miko then. Now that she was alone and back in her time, the burden and responsibilities of such had fallen away and she was not used to it. Now that she could place her desires and priorities above others (because there were no more monsters to kill, no more evil to banish, no more lives to save), she was uncomfortable with it. Pretending to be kind-hearted and easygoing and understanding everyday was a very frustrating and tiresome chore.
As if she was wearing a pair of water-logged sneakers that she could not take it off, and there was nothing else she could do other than to wait for it to dry. But yet at the same time, she continued doing so because she wanted to remain as the girl whom Inuyasha had once liked.
And the damned rain wouldn't stop.
"AH CHOOO!"
"Kagome!" Houjou sat down on her bed beside her and handed her a glass of hot herbal tea.
"This is..." She cocked one eyebrow at the pungent-smelling flu remedy that Houjou had concocted for her.
He let out a warm smile and replied, "Ah! My mother always prepare this for me when I catch a flu. It has echinacea, goldenseal, garlic, ginseng, mushroom..."
She no longer heard his voice as it faded off into the background while her vision of the black tea blurred. Memories of Inuyasha doing the same thing whirled back into her mind and she wanted to laugh, wanted to cry, and wanted to scream at Whoever-up-there Who had screwed up her life. Old, dank memories flew before her eyes like an old film and she wanted them to go away, not to haunt her anymore like a persistent poltergeist until a tissue was thrust before her face.
"The smell of it makes you cry huh?" Houjou let out a small laugh as he took the towel off her neck and hung it in her bathroom.
Kagome nodded and wondered when the wounds in her heart would heal. How long would she continue to make use of Houjou? Until she could forget or get over Inuyasha? Was that even possible in the beginning? Did she really want to?
He resumed his seat beside her and took her free hand while he hooked her drying hair behind her ear, "I'm sorry, that today is such a mess. It's such an important day and I had forgotten to bring an umbrella! I should have thought of rains since it's summer now..."
She wanted to smile at him, but she couldn't. So she simply leaned onto his shoulder and hid her blank face away from him.
Houjou let out a dreamy sigh, "It seemed so long ago, yet so recent, that day it rained...", and you let me into your heart, "We've been together since then, and I'm so glad that we are together."
She nodded, and sadness swelled up in her heart, crowding up her dry throat.
He rested his chin on her head and continued, "Today marks the third year of our courtship, how many more do you think there'll be?"
"Huh?" She faked a small cough.
He ran his fingers through her long, damp hair, "I mean... I'll be graduating from university next year, and if we work hard and save money..."
Kagome squeezed her eyes shut and frowned a little; she knew what Houjou wanted and it was perfectly reasonable of him to think or ask that question. Heck, most girls would have flung their arms around their boyfriends, burst out in joyous tears or jump around like some crazed bunny at that question. But, she felt nothing like that at all.
"... perhaps we can rent a house first instead of buying one. And if my calculations are correct, we'll be able to buy a small apartment after a few years. Then maybe we can have a kid..."
His voice continued to drone in her ears and Kagome realized that marriage was an issue that never crossed her mind. She wanted to be a good and dutiful girlfriend to Houjou, but the thought of marrying him somewhat terrified her. He was very nice to her; sweet, understanding, responsible and mature, which escalated her guilt towards him because she just could not bring herself to love him. What she lacked in emotions, she tried to make up for it in physical intimacy and willingness.
But, marriage was a very different matter that she couldn't quite come to terms with it, and Kagome was not sure that she wanted to leave Inuyasha behind, yet.
"Houjou, can you buy me some books to read? I think I'll be stuck on the bed for the next few days with this cold," and she promptly followed that up with a discreet sneeze.
The smile on his face slowly waned off and he nodded.
The next time Houjou asked for her hand, it was another two years later. He had planned well for his proposal since he thought that the reason why Kagome had rejected him last time was because he did not look sincere enough.
Or at least, that seemed to be the most logical reason to him.
He twiddled his thumbs as his eyes glanced over the big bouquet of lilies on his lap. He knew that he wasn't a romantic guy and whatever romanticism that he could give would be deemed as practicality by others. But he was sure that tonight would be a winning combo; flowers, champagne, nice dinner and diamond ring.
Houjou felt for the small felt box inside his pocket and smacked his lips nervously; he hoped his colleagues were right about this. After all, he did caught Kagome standing outside the glamourous-looking jewelry store, although he recalled that her posture, and the way she tilted her face didn't look very happy. Still, he was sure that she would love the ring he had chose for her, simply because he had spent two hours in the store scouring through the eye-hurting selection and buying the one that he thought would look best on her slim, long fingers.
It was done with much love; the ring, the lilies (he selected them himself), the dinner (he double-checked the menu with his sister) and he polished his car the night before and ironed his own clothes.
Surely she would accept the ring and give him a smile at last! Kagome had such beautiful smiles, although he couldn't really remember when was the last time he had seen it.
Houjou secretly smiled to himself, "It's alright! I'll see it tonight!"
He had really believed that she would smile for him. Well Kagome did smile; in fact, she smiled a lot during dinner and even giggled a little when he tried to make silly jokes about the hungry seagulls and clumsy waiters. He had so much faith and confidence in the dinner itself, in the ring, in himself, and in their relationship.
But all the smiles that she gave him were as before; shell-pink lips curling up wondrously even though her eyes were tainted with a quiet melancholy that would not go away no matter how many funny faces he'd made. Houjou clutched the small felt box, tightly in his palm as Kagome slowly and wearily climbed up the stairs to her shrine-house. He remembered that she was so beautiful when he saw her in high school. The bounce in her steps, the sunshine-warmth of her laughter and the way she would shyly smile at him when they bumped into each other in corridors outside classrooms.
And then she grew up. Kagome was still a beautiful woman, just... different. Houjou had told himself that it was maturity that had changed her, that it was work stress when she no longer smiled as brilliantly as before, and weak health when she wanted to go home earlier.
Kagome said that she hated summer rains, and snow and dull gray mornings. So he often stayed over at her house during those days, flicking through the cheesy TV programs together, stealing kisses from her when her mother wasn't looking and hugs when Souta wasn't around, watching her read, sleep or cook when they were alone...
Houjou once thought, that was life. His life, shared with her, as a couple. He never thought that the things they did together were boring or unfulfilling. He thought that was how married life with her was like, and he relished every single moment with it.
Of course, there was this niggering thought at the back of his mind that something wasn't quite right but he didn't wanted to get to the bottom of it because he knew. And he was on good terms with Kagome's old classmates, who told him everything about 'Inuyasha'. How that guy had distracted Kagome away from him, how he had broke her heart by loving another woman and unable to initiate a breakup with Kagome...
"Houjou... I'm not ready..."
She had such a beautiful voice too; so tender, so soft and with a sad, melodious ring to it.
It took him a long time, standing there under the flickering lamp-post while it started to drizzle, as the harsh fact slowly settle into his mind that her heart wasn't with him at all. He couldn't see her love for him in her smiles, kisses or hugs, and he wondered why she wanted to be with him when she was still obviously in love with 'Inuyasha'.
"And I with her", Houjou thought dejectedly and opened the dark-blue felt box. The diamond ring sparkled and twinkled like a distant star humming to him as the drizzle turned into a cold autumn rain, and while poignant thoughts danced and swayed to the sorrowful tune in his head.
His chest, hurt badly. And his head wet and his skin cold.
Yet, Kagome wasn't there with her umbrella.
Houjou wasn't sure that he cried, for that was such an unusual thing of him to do, and besides, it rained. All he could remember was the empty cans of beer that he found in his car the next morning and a terrible hangover that he wasn't quite ready to deal with. He had to air the car there and then outside the park where they'd first kissed because he didn't want her to know or see this part of him.
He was supposed to be Mr. Invincible before his Kagome, the fragile nightingale who would fly away if he was not careful or good enough. Suddenly, everything became so temporal and fleeting and he felt as if all the years of effort that he'd put in were like chasing after imaginary butterflies.
Upon that thought, Houjou plucked the ring box out from the drawer and chucked it into the nearest dustbin.
That night when he took her, it was pouring outside. It was also his 28th birthday, and they had a small celebration in his rented apartment. Kagome had baked a cake for him, and got him several nice books that he wasn't interested in at all. He had prepared a simple meal and they didn't talk much while they ate and sipped red wine.
And because it was raining, there weren't much they could do so he opened another bottle of port while they watched TV. When they finished it in silence, he opened another bottle of sweet wine, to which Kagome surprisingly and eagerly finished it all by herself. When she started to giggle and laugh over nothing, he merely smiled back at her and wondered where he stood in her heart. And when she stood up, swaying a little like a frail, willow tree, Houjou got to his feet and held her steady.
"Do you want to go home?"
Kagome shook her head, and giggled with red-tinged cheeks, "Do you want me to?"
He looked into her dreamy eyes for a while and all his suppressed emotions and pain bubble up at the back of his throat. Houjou pulled her to him and pressed his lips over hers so hard that he thought she might yell or pull away. It didn't occur to him that she might respond, but she did.
Houjou remembered that it was the most passionate kiss they'd ever shared; their lips were swollen, their mouths dry and hot, and her grip on his arms were so firm that for the longest time in his life, he felt i wanted /i .
And that made him even giddier, as he drowned himself in that luxuriating feeling while he peeled off her sundress and planted more kisses on her warm body. Her skin was so thin, that he could see the skinny blue veins and her hair so soft that it felt like raw silk to him. When he entered into her, awkwardly and slowly, she clung onto him like a frightened little girl while he silenced her soft cries with more kisses.
He remembered the sound of thunder while he made love to her for the first time, and the broken look on her face when flashes of lightning illuminated her thinner, angular face. It was only then, that he realized that he shouldn't have done that, and she shouldn't have gave in. After the whole ordeal, none of them slept nor talked until morning came and birds' chirping broke the hushed silence in their heads.
"I want to go home," she finally said and got up with the blanket.
He nodded and replied with a heavy heart, "You should."
That was the last time he drove her home.
center 0.o0o.0 /center
He waited and waited, but she never called. Time crawled by, agonizingly slow and Houjou wondered whether that was the end of their relationship. For the first time in his life, he felt deplorably lost and shaky. He hoped that it would be the last time he would need alcohol to sleep too. His colleagues asked him what happened, said that his face looked thinner, there were shadows under his eyes and that he slouched more while he furiously and silently typed away at the computer.
Then one fateful day, just two months after that night, he saw her on the streets of Ginza. He was walking aimlessly through the shopping district, hoping to while his time away and drown the guilt-induced pain and there she was, holding onto his big, red umbrella and standing outside a store.
A mother-care store.
It didn't struck him then, why she was looking so sadly at the maternity clothes and baby clothes and all that registered in his mind was how beautiful she still looked. Like a dying butterfly, he thought as he squeezed past teenagers in school clothes and working women clad in formal, expensive office-wear.
And when she saw him rushing towards her, her eyebrows drooped a little and that surprised him. He expected her to be shocked and angry; not sad and resigned. Was that how little he understood her? Houjou asked himself while he started to run.
"Kagome!" He panted and nervously looked at her, hoping that she would not push him away this time round.
She looked at his face for a long while, with all the convoluted emotions written clearly on his face while he felt wretched and forlorn at her sad, gray eyes.
"I'm pregnant."
He definitely hadn't expected i that /i ; he didn't think that they would be so 'lucky'. He opened his mouth, wanting to say something but Kagome shook her head, took a few steps back and walked away. Houjou stared at her receding back view like a stunned idiot, until she disappeared and he slowly ambled back to his car, in which he didn't start the engine until a good hour later.
He dialed her cellphone number, and she picked it up. He asked whether she would abort it, and she said she was not sure. He asked how was her health, and she replied fine. He asked whether he loved her, and she kept quiet. He asked whether there was anything that she wanted to know, and there was silence again.
He i abhorred /i the silences in between them; like never-ending full-stops that threaten to fill up the blank pages of his Life.
"I love you," he spoke into his cellphone.
Silence. The sound of rain hitting hard against the roof of his car wasn't loud enough, he deemed.
He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the steering wheel, "And I'm sorry."
He could hear her muffled sobs, and he blamed himself for being the cause of it.
"Give me another chance," he asked, i "I want our baby." /i
The line went dead after a short pause of full-stop. He bought a carton of beer from the nearby seven-eleven store. And aspirin.
center 0.o0o.0 /center
Houjou thought he would never meet her again, and he didn't had the courage to call her. His unrequited love for Kagome, had become a leaden-anchor of guilt and anguish, and he wasn't sure that meeting her was the best part of his life anymore.
Sometimes, he wished he could forget all about that lovely girl who captured his heart and move on with his life. His mother said that he had a great job, his colleagues said he was good-looking, his friends said he was a very eligible, husband-material guy indeed. He wanted to nod his head and smile and agree with what they said, but somehow such words and actions only made him felt emptier.
Sometimes, Houjou was worried that the space inside him would grow so big that it might eat him inside out.
Then, Souta called.
He rushed to the hospital after the call ended, and waited outside the surgery theatre with her brother and her mother.
She fell down the well, her mother said while wringing her hands.
She was unconscious when we found her, and there were blood, Souta frowned and added.
Houjou felt weak at his knees, so much so that he had to sit down and prayed that God would spare his Kagome.
When the red light disappeared and the surgeon strolled out, Houjou was the first to rush to the grim doctor and enquired about her condition.
"She's alright, a slight concussion," he spoke in soothing tones. Her mother and Souta let out a loud sigh of relief.
Houjou thanked whatever God Who had responded to him, until the doctor continued, "But we couldn't save the baby."
Too young, too small, the doctor had added with bowed-head apologies and rushed away as if nothing big had happened.
Houjou cried, and knelt on the ceramic-tiled floor while her family stared at him like a pronounced criminal.
center 0.o0o.0 /center
But Kagome remembers none of these. In her mind, all she knows of are the happy memories that they had together later in her life. The candle-light and home-cooked dinners, the movies they watched together, the 'first' kisses she shared with Houjou in the same park, the evening strolls she took with him, his romantic proposal, their simple wedding and the small house that they bought and decorated together.
Houjou told himself that this was for the best, and he never regretted marrying the Kagome who only remembered that they were high school 'sweethearts'. It was as if Time had gone back, and Kagome became the person that he thought he once knew. She loved him as much he loved her, and her smiles finally genuine and warm.
"This is... " Kagome looked at the small nameless grave marker.
He placed a small bunch of white chrysanthemums and replied, "An orphan that you once took care of."
She nodded sadly. Sometimes she dreamt of a small little boy, with messily-cropped silver hair singing exuberantly while he danced around her and waved his arms. It was a happy dream, but always so vague and so dim that whenever she woke up, she wasn't sure about it. Sometimes she had dark dreams, of details that she could never remember but they felt and tasted like old memories to her. So old that it seems if she ever tried to reach for them, they would crumble to dust like her grandfather's antiques. She did ask her family about her forgotten past, but they would always tell her the same story that Houjou'd said.
School, university, volunteered at an orphanage while she worked. Nothing interesting, nothing much.
"Was I close to him?" Kagome thought of that little cute boy in her dreams; what song was he singing? She couldn't remember the tune of it.
Houjou wasn't sure whether it was a boy or a girl, but that didn't mattered, "No, not really." i Yes, not really. /i
She nodded again and wrapped her arms around his waist from behind, "It's going to rain, we should go dear..."
He looked up to the gray skies and rain-laden clouds, muttered his apologies to his unborn child and followed his wife out from the cemetery.
They would both create a new chapter for i their /i lives, Houjou thought as he drove and Kagome unknowingly began to hum to a strange melody.