Ah. Yes. I am just finishing up Ultraviolet, Always and I've had this idea for a really long time. So. I decided to write it and see where it goes. :)

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. Or Nicholas Sparks.

Takes place a week after the hospital incident.

Entry #4

Slowly, but not slowly enough, I began to realize what a monster was. When we're little, we are told that monsters are the ones with claws and teeth that could tear you apart. We're told that these monsters live in your closet and underneath your bed.

But, now, what are your monsters?

Do you still look under your bed? Do you still ask your mom to check your closet, while you sit back in fear?

No?

That's what I thought.

These monsters are those little beasts inside of us. They growl and snarl and they make sure that you can hear them. They grow in your fear and pulse with your anxiety. They don't want you to succeed. In fact, they want you to fail. These monsters want you to crinkle up and to stay down. And, once in a while, you wonder what or who these monsters are. You wonder, but you don't actually speak it.

And then- Boom!- you know what's been eating at you. You know it and it's horrifying. You know it and you're a disgrace.

The monster is you.

.

.

.

"Eli, seriously. Stop writing in your journal for at least ten minutes. If you don't stop, I think that your emo will explode."

At that, Eli's head snapped up, his posture stiffening. Adam raised his eyebrows, not backing away from the challenge that Eli was proposing. Glaring daggers, Eli snapped the journal shut, anger flowing from his every movement, and he fell back over on his bed, his head finding home on the black and white skull pillow.

Adam was completely used this mood. Even before the situation with Clare, Eli had his off days. These days were hell for anyone that came near him. With his grimace and his clenched hands, and even his bruised lip that had been mutilated by his front teeth kept people away. And then, with his snide remarks and low insults that everybody heard, but no one commented on.

It was almost...normal.

"Come on, Eli. You know I didn't mean it like that. I just meant," Adam paused and looked at his best friend, his heart stuttering,"I just meant that you can't stay in here forever and write in your journal. It's not healthy, and certainly not what Cl-your parents would want."

Eli scoffed, making sure that his pain was coming off as anger,"Clare doesn't give a damn. Trust me, she doesn't care what I do." He shifted on his bed, his back facing Adam.

Taking a deep breath, Adam Torres stomped his way to Eli. Flipping the almost-sickly-looking kid over with impressive strength, Adam stepped back, his eyes blazing. "Where the hell is the Eli I know? Where the fuck is he? The Elijah Goldsworthy who isn't put down so easily. Sure, he's a bit sarcastic. And sure, there are times that I want to punch him, but that's what makes up Elijah Goldsworthy. That's what makes up you. And tell me, what happened to him?" Adam backed down slightly, his expression softening. Whispering, he said, "Where the hell is he, Eli."

"I'm not sure," Eli said mockingly, his head cocking to the side, "How about I check around the house? That Elijah Goldsworthy is always disappearing! That bastard!"

Letting out a small snort, Adam moved closer. "There we go. There's the Eli I know."

Eli smiled and bowed his head. He shook his shaggy hair and rubbed his eyes, a loud groan coming from him. "I'm sorry that you have to deal with me. You can go any time, you know."

Adam scoffed and fell back on Eli's bed, looking up to the ceiling. "Oh, please, Eli. Just shut up." Eli laughed lightly, not as light as before, but still softer than anything he had done in the past week, "You know that you can talk to me, right? I mean, I may not know what you're going through, but I can help you. By listening."

Eli gave his best friend a light smile and sighed, running his fingers through his hair, "I mean thanks for being here, but I think my problems are a little bit more difficult. I don't think talking about it will help me."

Adam stayed silent and tried to get what he wanted to say together. "Do you miss her?"

Eli froze and his whole body seemed to shrink. He was slowly becoming nothing and Adam could only watch. This was a loaded question. A question that couldn't be answered easily.

"More than you know." Eli whispered, his breath cold and his fingers cold. Adam simply watched, completely unsure of what to do, "But I don't know what to do about it."

"Go get her!" Adam said, bouncing up. His enthusiasm was practically choking Eli.

"Pardon?" Eli rubbed his eyes and yawned. Adam looked down at the slightly pathetic boy and muttered angrily under his breath.

"Go get your...Blue eyes!"

Eli froze and glanced up, his face pulled up into a grimace. "Sorry. I think that I look better with green." Adam groaned in frustration and Eli put his hand up, trying to calm him down, "Dude, seriously, don't ever say 'Blue Eyes'. This is real life, not a Nicholas Sparks book."

Adam stuck his tongue out, but a grin appeared quickly, completely changing the mood. Eli had not yet said no to the plan. There was still a chance. "So? Go get her! She's at her grandma's...so, yeah." He finished lamely, and awkwardly nodded.

"Dude, CeCe and Bullfrog won't let me drive. What kind of parents do you think they are? I've been on house arrest and I'm beginning therapy next week. They won't let me drive."

Adam sat back down on the bed, his spirits slightly broken. He nodded glumly, but suddenly, something occurred to him. "Wait!" Adam shouted, causing Eli to jump and make a hissing noise that sounded like a unhappy cat, "What if someone else drove? Like, what if I could find someone to bring you? ...And me?"

Eli scratched his head and sighed, biting his lips once again. "But who would drive us?" Since Julia's death, he didn't like when other people drove. He liked when he was in control, because he found that often, he was the only one that he could trust. And he even had a problem with that, because he found that sometimes, he couldn't even trust himself.

"I don't know. I guess, ...maybe I'll ask Drew! Not to drive, of course," Adam quickly threw in when Eli's eyes opened with fear, "But maybe he knows someone!" Getting up, and practically running to the door, he turned around to Eli. "Stay here, my little Gothic amigo. I shall be back."

And with a bright grin, Adam was already halfway down the stairs.

Eli simply furrowed his eyebrows and pulled the journal out on his lap. Turning to a clean page, in the middle of the book, he chewed lightly on the eraser of his pencil, and began writing every single thing that popped up in his mind. Thoughts and memories showed up so suddenly in his mind, that they reminded Eli of a jack-in-the-box. And to be honest, that freaked him out even more.

Entry #10

She's something.

God, I don't even know. She's this...light. I know that sounds cliche and corny, but I'm serious. And every time I'm with her, I feel like I'm slowly becoming grey, instead of the black color that has always surrounded me. I'm not saying that she's curing me, trust me, I'm not. But. I don't know.

And you want to know something scary?

I want to kiss her.

More than anything.

But I'm afraid that if I do, my monsters will get inside of her and destroy the way she smiles and laughs. And the way her eyes crinkle at the sides. It will disappear with every touch and kiss I'll give her. And I don't want that to happen.

Well, bye for now.

P.S. ...I really want to kiss her.

Ah. So. The person driving Eli? Any guesses? ;)

And the journal entries range from when Eli first met Clare to...yeah. You'll see. ;)