Disclaimer: Fire Emblem and all related names and concepts belong to Intelligent Systems and Nintendo.
Characters and Pairings: Innes/Ephraim, Seth/Eirika, Tana.
Warnings: I've been less strict than usual on staying true to the characterization and ages of the characters. Basically Crackfic Lite.
Author's Notes: HAPPY BIRTHDAY SQUISHY! I've never written anything for my dear IRL friend before because I never knew she had characters she liked, but there's a first time for everything. As Innes will no doubt find out. She likes Innes and we both like dumb stuff from time to time (also I will take many excuses to write cute boy-on-boy), so have the dumbest Innes/Ephraim on the site!

Innestrospection

…and it is with great regret that I must forego attending… "Innes! Are you ready yet?"

The crown prince of Frelia jolted at his little sister's shout, his quill drawing a long line through his letter. That girl, he swore! He looked over his shoulder at the door to the hallway, his characteristic expression of ennui on his face as she barged in. "Huh?" She stopped in the doorway. "You're not even dressed yet, much less packed!" Her head tilted inquisitively and her face twisted in worry. "Are you okay, Innes? This isn't like you…"

"I'm fine," he said, leaning back in his chair as he crumpled his letter and deposited in the bin next to his desk. "I'm not going."

"Whaaaat?" Tana wouldn't have looked less surprised or shocked if he'd slapped her in the face. "But why not? They would be so happy to have you there! It's not every day that Ephraim and Eirika turn eighteen!"

Innes sighed. Ephraim and Eirika. The entire reason they had to visit Renais, and the entire reason Innes didn't want to. While he found Eirika's company agreeable at worst and very pleasant at best, he had never gotten along with Ephraim. And yet, recently… he shook his head. "I have no reason to go," he said, fetching a fresh sheet of paper and starting over. "With Eirika married, there's nothing compelling me to put up with Ephraim's presence."

"Oh my god, Innes," Tana said, putting her hands on her hips in an attempt to look angry and intimidating. Innes suppressed a grin, knowing she only looked like a petulant child. "You always say that I need to grow up, but you're the one acting like a kid, here! Get over yourself, Big Brother!" She crossed her arms. "You're going to be King of Frelia someday, right? Well, you're gonna have to do a lot of things you'd rather not and put up with a lot of people you don't like then. You might as well get the practice in."

The argument held water- if his dislike for Ephraim had been all that had been keeping him from visiting. As it stood, there were more confusing things going on, and Innes didn't want to face the twins until he'd sorted them out. "I have things to do-" he tried, but his sister interrupted him.

"No you don't!" she stomped her foot to emphasize her words. "You're just saying that so Father will let you stay home!"

"Why do you care so much, anyway?" he asked, not looking up. "You're a big girl, you can go alone. Bring Vanessa and Syrene with you."

"But I want you to be there," Tana muttered. "We never do anything with the four of us." Innes sighed, putting a hand to his forehead. Right. She'd mentioned this before. She'd lamented that he was so preoccupied with being 'The Heir' rather than her brother, and envied the twins of Renais for their closeness.

"You know it's not going to be 'the four of us,'" he said, finally looking at her again. "Eirika is married. And Ephraim doesn't enjoy my company any more than I do his."

"General Seth is hardly invasive," Tana argued. "He's not glued to her or anything. And Ephraim likes you more than you think," he wasn't sure if he liked how he felt at those words. "He certainly doesn't hate you for no reason like you do him!"

"Okay, okay, fine," he said, throwing his hands up in defeat. "You're not going to leave until I agree to come with you, so for the sake of my ears I give up. Fetch me Moulder so he can help me pack, and have someone get my horse ready."

"Really?" Without warning, she lunged at him, embracing him tightly. "Thank you!"

"Yeah, yeah. Just get on it."

All things well considered, Renais wasn't an unpleasant place to be. Innes was no longer surprised or impressed by the castle's splendor as he had been as a child, but it was close enough to home that he at least didn't feel inconvenienced.

Or he wouldn't, if a particular person hadn't come up to him to greet him.

"Innes," the de facto King of Renais said. Innes only looked at him. The main reason Ephraim had not yet had his formal coronation was not his own distaste for formality and ceremony, but his age- only turning eighteen in a few days, he simply did not meet the criteria to be the ruler of his kingdom yet. Still, for his age, he had quite a regal look to him- more so, perhaps, than Innes himself did. Infuriating, really, seeing as Innes at least had his posture and attitude right- things Ephraim would never have.

"Ephraim."

"You know, I'm surprised you bothered to show up." From anyone else, those words would have stung, but Ephraim said them with a cheeky grin. "I was convinced you only ever visited Renais to court Eirika."

"It's a courtesy visit," Innes retorted, "So don't get any ideas."

"Tana wouldn't let you stay in Frelia, huh?" Damn. He could be observant when he wanted to be. "Well, I've got your usual room prepped for your stay. Just don't bug my sister about her low-born husband and you should be good." Innes suppressed the urge to scoff. Well, HE wasn't going to bring it up. Still, Ephraim had made the executive decision on Eirika's husband, and it was something that needed addressing.

"Yes, well. I was convinced that with Prince Lyon out of the picture, I would be the obvious –if not only remaining- suitor she had," he conceded. "So you can probably imagine the surprise with which I received the news you had married her off to a soldier."

"Knight," Ephraim corrected him. "You know fine well Seth is our absolute finest and has been her personal guard for almost as long as either of us can remember."

"He remains a commoner," Innes said. "I hear he's rejected the title you offered him, too."

"Look," Ephraim said, suddenly frowning. "Seth proved himself over and over during the war and he deserved a reward. You don't know him like we do- Eirika's hand in marriage was the greatest reward I could give him."

"I suppose he was instrumental in fending off the Demon King," Innes finally admitted. It had been General Seth who had struck the deathblow to the revived, mindless beast. Even if he HAD used one of Frelia's Sacred Twins to do it. "Still, a princess seems a bit excessive a reward." He suspected there was more behind it, related to the way Eirika had come to look at the knight by the end of the war. Still, he knew better than to press when Ephraim looked at him like he did now. "Fine. I'll leave him alone."

But that didn't mean he didn't subject the knight to scrutiny during the banquet and ball for the twins' birthday. Brooding over the disgrace that was the elevation of a low-born into the nobility through marriage with a princess –and not even accepting his title, the cad! Who did he think he was?- kept his mind off of Ephraim and the strange things the sight of him in his formal wear made him feel.

"Come on, Innes," he heard to his side, turning to look at Tana. "You don't have to burn a hole through the poor general," she said. "You know we wouldn't be here now without him. And even you have to be able to tell how happy Eirika is."

That was true, Innes had to begrudgingly admit. He hadn't seen Eirika quite this happy in a long time, and he had in fact not expected to see her such since they had learnt of her father's death. At least the marriage had been good for something, then. "I suppose it's Eirika's shame to bear," he said, "But that doesn't mean I have to like it." Tana pouted and he could see she was about to retort, so he interrupted her before she could start. "No, Tana. I'm not stubborn enough to not see that Ephraim is your most likely future husband." She blushed. "Your marriage will associate our family with his, and thus with this…"

Tana scoffed before he could finish his sentence. "My GOD, Innes. Challenge him to a duel if it bothers you so much. Not that you'd probably get out of that unharmed," she added under her breath. Innes knew she was right. He was a brilliant archer, but when it came to close combat? And this while General Seth was, as Ephraim had said, the finest Renais had to offer. As well as a prideful man. Crown prince of Frelia or not, insulting his marriage or him and then giving him a free pass to fight him would earn Innes a few broken ribs at the very least.

"Perhaps the insult to his brother-in-law would bring Ephraim to call off your own engagement," Innes mused out loud, prompting a startled cry from Tana. Knowing he wasn't serious, but seriously upset that he would consider it, she turned around and hurried off, undoubtedly to find Eirika to tell her she wouldn't believe what her oaf of a brother had said now.

Innes set down his wine glass, frowning. How much had he drank by now? Too much, perhaps. He had lost track with all the women he'd had to turn down. All of them thought they had made themselves the most physically appealing in the room and all of them had left downtrodden as he had crushed that illusion. Instead, his eyes kept being drawn to Ephraim. Eirika's brother hated formal occasions and it was not often that Innes saw him in formal wear. It looked good on him, though. Better than on Innes himself, perhaps, he thought angrily.

…he needed to step out for fresh air and he needed to do it now, he suddenly realized. There was too much going on in this room that got on his nerves and he needed to remove himself from its presence before it got out of hand.

Renais's castle gardens were not quite the same as the Frelian coast, but they would have to do for tonight. As Innes had suspected, being alone and breathing in fresh air rather than the heavily parfumed scents of his female peers did wonders for his composure, and the silence made it easy to think. He wouldn't go back just yet to see his sister hang from Ephraim's arm. The sight was infuriating in more than one way and it was the last thing he needed right now.

But he couldn't put his finger on WHY is was so infuriating. In the past, he would have said he didn't want Tana exposed to a man like him, but recently he had been feelings things other than that indignation. And rather than towards Ephraim, he had realized that concerningly, these feelings were directed at Tana. Being upset with his own sister for her choice in men? Best that he didn't provoke these feelings, that way he wouldn't have to feel like a terrible excuse for a brother. Envy did terrible, terrible things to him.

…wait, envy?

"Hey." He jumped up, turning around to see Ephraim standing behind him with his hands in his pockets. "I didn't know you needed to flee the stuff and the crowd as well." Damn! Of course- Ephraim's distaste for these occasions led to him departing the halls once or twice a night as well! Innes scowled, but Ephraim only chuckled. "You're adorable when you're pissed, has anyone ever told you that?"

"What is that supposed to mean?!" He sounded angry and defensive. Good. Wouldn't want the other man to catch on to the jump his stomach had made at the compliment.

"Whoa Innes, calm down," Ephraim said, still grinning. "No need to get all up in arms. There's no one else around to listen in on us, anyway," he looked around, "I sicced Eirika onto Tana to keep her occupied inside." Innes wished he could run away. Ephraim was far, far too relaxed for what he suspected was going on. Did it not bother him at all? He stretched lazily. "You know, I'm relieved you came. When I married Eirika off, I was afraid we wouldn't get to see each other in private anymore."

"I would have been fine with that," Innes hurried to interject. "I'm only here because Tana dragged me here. It has nothing to do with you."

"You sure about that?" Ephraim's infernal, undying grin as he said that hit home. He said it so… knowingly. Innes felt his face redden. Had he dropped his guard? Had Ephraim not only caught on to his confusing feelings but also made sense of them? To his horror, the king of Renais frowned and tilted his head. "Huh. You don't look too sure of anything, actually. You alright?"

"I will be fine when I get away from YOU." For once, it wasn't just a jab at Ephraim but Innes was convinced it was true. His presence made his head spin and made it hard to think clearly.

Laughing, Ephraim shook his head. "Wow, Innes. I knew you lied to your council and to your family, but I didn't think you'd be lying to yourself, too." For a split second, his grin turned diabolical- but he was too fast for Innes to flee. Without any other form of warning, he snatched the sniper's wrists in his arms and pushed him back against the nearby wall. "Here, let me help you sort things out." With that, he slammed his mouth into Innes's.

He was helpless. Ephraim was much stronger than he looked, and as he always said, he didn't pick fights he couldn't win- Innes had no hope of struggling free from the other noble's grip. To his horror, he realized he had no desire to- or wouldn't have, if they weren't so frighteningly visible to others. "Ephraim," he said when the other decided he needed air, "Let go of me." He was… surprisingly calm. Ephraim smiled knowingly, doing as he had asked.

As much as he hated to admit it, the kiss –rough and uncivilized as it had been- had helped him sort things out. Huh. So that was why he got so upset seeing Tana with Ephraim. He really was jealous of his sister. He ran a hand through his hair, embarrassed at his own blindness. "How did you catch on before I did?"

"I don't care about decorum," Ephraim quipped, "you should know this by now. Besides, I'm observant when I want to be, and I know the signs when I see them. You struggled as hard to feign interest in Eirika as I do in Tana."

"Don't you dare hurt my sister," Innes hissed.

Ephraim only kept smiling. "I wouldn't dream of it. Marrying her is the best way to stay close to you."

"Do I get a say in this?"

"Nope."

Innes sighed in defeat. So that was how it was going to be. Some sort of secret affair until they were either found out, or grew out of this… boyhood guilty pleasure. Suddenly, Eirika's marriage didn't seem so scandalous anymore. "Fine," he said, "just promise me one thing."

"You're not going to be on top," Ephraim said, causing Innes to shudder. Did he have to be so blunt and perverted?

Still, two could play at that game. "We'll see," Innes said, pretending to be absent as he did. "What I mean is… never do that again." He pointed his thumb at the wall. "And certainly not where your entire court could walk in on us."

"You got it, babe." Ephraim still grinned, ruffling Innes's hair.

"And for the love of god, do not call me that."

"No promises."

He was going to have to hope that Ephraim was just teasing him and would mellow out with time. If not… he would need a lot of fresh air in the near future.