Disclaimer: I think everyone knows the drill.
Title: Stop Pretending
Pairing: Cordy/Doyle; Xander/Anya; references to past-Cordy/Xander
Summary: Xander and Anya join Buffy on her trip to LA. Takes place right after The Bachelor Party & Pangs. There is a bit of dialogue pulled straight from the beginning of IWRY and then it morphs into my imagination. There will be no rewinding of the day or anything of that nature. Herein lies mostly banter.
A/N: This is the first fic I have ever written, so it's kind of terrifying to put it out there for others to read. More than anything I wanted the characters to sound (and act) like themselves, so I really hope that I succeeded in that much at least.
"When did he get back?"
"Late last night."
"And?"
"Ah, he seemed fine."
Cordelia and Doyle stood shoulder to shoulder, peering through the blinds into Angel's office. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary as far as they could tell.
"He saw Buffy. He was in Sunnydale for three whole days, tracking her and that thingymagiggy you saw in your vision. Where is the crabby scowl, the morbid gloom? This just means that it cut deeper than usual. Batten down the hatches, here comes Hurricane Buffy."
"You think? Maybe he's over her." Doyle tossed the reply over his shoulder as he moved away from the window and grabbed the newspaper off her desk. He continued toward the small green couch in the corner to settle into his typical morning routine.
Cordelia shook her head, still peeking through the blinds, "You have so much to learn, little Irish man."
She sighed audibly as she too turned away from Angel and settled into her desk chair for her own personal morning ritual. Pulling her nail file from her top drawer, she went to work. Keeping her nails in pristine condition was a full-time job.
She watched Doyle out of the corner of her eye and wondered if his blasé attitude toward the Buffy and Angel saga had anything to do with his own feelings where Harriet was concerned. Doyle hadn't talked much about the events surrounding his ex-wife's abrupt reappearance in his life. Under normal conditions, Cordelia had absolutely no problem broaching touchy subjects with her friends—it was kind of her specialty. But, these weren't normal conditions. She was hesitant to talk to Doyle about his love life. Mostly because she was still adjusting to the fact that she wanted to be a part of said love life. So, she really wasn't about to inquire as to whether or not he was still pining away for his ex-wife. She had already given him the one and only pep talk she could stomach.
She really hoped he would take her advice about moving on.
As she sat there observing him, she started wondering exactly when and how she had let this happen. She had developed feelings for her vertically challenged, badly dressed coworker who didn't have a penny to his name. She had never thought it would be possible to go down this road again. In fact, she had vowed that she would never even consider it. Then, along came Doyle and here she was, considering away. He had already gotten around her carefully constructed walls. And he didn't even realize that he was inside…
"What's on your mind, darlin'?" He had asked the question without looking up from his paper and she realized that he must have sensed her rather intense gaze. She felt her face grow warm. She couldn't possibly answer his question honestly.
He folded up his paper and tossed it on the small coffee table in front of him, finally looking up and meeting her eyes questioningly. "Or, you just taking in the impeccable view?"
His comment had mercifully taken her off the hook. Shameless flirting on his part was her cue to turn on the snark. "And if by 'impeccable view' you mean 'the most hideous shirt ever created by human hands,' then yes, that's exactly what I'm doing. You're just lucky I don't make you put caution tape around the train wreck you call a wardrobe."
The shirt was black with all sorts of swirly designs, and sadly, wasn't even close to being the worst shirt he owned. As per usual, he took her insult in stride, "Maybe I just need a nice girl, such as yourself, to dress me every morning. You have an open invitation, y'know." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
She rolled her eyes in feigned disgust. "Ugh, please. As if I would go anywhere near your apartment if I wasn't in mortal danger."
"Ah, well, then good thing for me mortal danger is in no short supply around these parts."
Their typical verbal sparring was a comfort. When everything else was complicated, this was so simple. She could do this all day.
The universe, however, had other plans.
The front door swung open and in walked three familiar faces.
"Buffy?" Cordelia rose from her chair and started to move around the desk. "You're here… And you brought Xander and… Anya?"
Cordelia wrinkled her nose in half confusion, half distaste. Was Anya a permanent member of the Scooby Gang nowadays? She must have missed the memo. Cordelia remembered seeing her at the prom with Xander, but she didn't think these two would ever become an actual couple. After all, Anya was a demon.
"Hey, Cordy," Xander greeted her, while Buffy stuck with a slight nod and a simple, "Cordelia."
Buffy didn't look altogether pleased to be there. Nor did Anya, for that matter, who hadn't even bothered with a greeting. Xander seemed fairly at ease as he took in the place, "Nice office. You guys find the Maltese Falcon yet?"
Cordelia ignored Xander's stupid comment and didn't bother wasting time with pleasantries. "What are you guys doing here? Did the evil thing that Angel helped kill not stay dead or something? Or, is there a brand new pending apocalypse you need help with? Or, did Angel just forget something in Sunnydale?"
The last question was said in a hopeful voice.
"You could say that." Buffy's expression remained unreadable, but pain was a good guess. She glanced over at Doyle who had stood up from the couch.
"Oh. Buffy, that's Doyle. Y'know, the guy who had the vision that sent Angel running to Sunnydale in the first place. Doyle, you remember Buffy from your migraine-inducing vision, don't you?"
"Nice to meet you," Buffy gave him a small, apologetic smile.
"Likewise." He moved forward to shake her hand and nodded to Xander and Anya. He then moved back to stand beside Cordelia, crossing his arms as he often did when he was in observation mode.
Buffy cleared her throat and finally cut to the chase. "Cordelia, is he here?"
"I'm here." Angel had silently come to stand in the doorway of his office. His vampire senses had probably tipped him off to Buffy's arrival the moment she had opened the front door. A moment of tense silence filled the air as the two of them locked eyes. "Why don't you…?" Angel gestured for Buffy to enter his office, nodded to the others and closed the door behind him.
"Well, that was awkward," Cordelia blurted out once Buffy and Angel were out of earshot. She turned toward Xander and Anya. "And kinda still is. So, no impending doom then?"
"That's a negative. Unless you count the wrath of Buffy," Xander replied.
"So, why did she feel the need to bring along two of her minions?"
"What? We can't just stop by to visit some old friends?"
"You've never liked Angel," Cordelia pointed out. "And I don't like you."
"Ouch, that hurts." He replied with mock pain. "Well, Buffy was coming down here to see her Dad, and we decided to turn it into a little road trip type thing. She just needed to stop in and see the big guy before we take in some sights."
"It was Xander's idea to accompany Buffy inside. I wanted us to wait in the car," Anya finally spoke up, inching closer to Xander.
Cordelia arched a brow in her direction, "And demon-girl would be part of the 'we' these days?"
"I go where Xander goes because we enjoy having sex in different places. Although, most of the time we do it in his parents' basement. I've been his girlfriend since before he had Syphilis." Anya's reply caused Cordelia's jaw to drop. Did she just say Syphilis?
"It was a supernatural thing." Xander explained as he flushed with embarrassment. "Totally Syphilis-free now."
Doyle had remained quiet as he stood beside Cordelia, but his eyes had widened significantly at Anya's unusual comment. "Who knew there was anyone more brutally honest than you, Princess?"
Cordelia noticed that upon hearing Doyle's pet name of choice, Xander blatantly sized up the other man. She could tell that he was assuming certain things about the exact nature of Cordelia and Doyle's relationship. Not that it was any of his business.
"Princess? What happened, Cor, you get demoted?" Xander asked with mock sympathy. Turning his attention back on Doyle, he added, "I wouldn't sell her short, pal. I'm pretty sure she's still the Queen when it comes to being utterly tactless."
Cordelia put on her most saccharine-sounding voice and jumped in before Doyle could get a word in edgewise, "Sorry, Doyle. I don't think I properly introduced you to the rest of our unwanted visitors. Xander is nobody, and Anya is the vengeance demon who tried to make me wish our entire universe into a bizarro alternate reality in order to punish Xander for being an unfaithful male jerk. They're clearly a match made in Sunnyhell. And did I mention that Anya is a demon?"
Doyle's eyebrows were raised in surprise at first, followed by a slight furrow. She wondered what surprised him most—that Xander was dating a demon or that Cordelia had ever dated a guy like Xander.
"Ex-demon," Anya corrected with a smile, completely missing the fact that Cordelia's words had been intended to insult. "Unfortunately, I've been rendered completely mortal since that little incident. Now I'm forced to stand here and hope that Xander isn't imagining his ex-girlfriend naked."
"Hey, Anya? Remember that conversation we had about the over-sharing?" Xander looked mortified—not to mention a little bit guilty.
Doyle was now scowling at the younger man while Cordelia was just grossed out. "Right… So, are you planning on waiting here for Buffy? Because those two will probably be a while and you wouldn't want to miss out on all that quality sightseeing time. May I recommend Venice Beach—it's full of freaks, so you two will fit right in."
"Yeah, we all came in one car, so as much as I'd love to go find an available cave and live in it for the rest of my adult life, we kind of have to wait." Xander was being careful to look everywhere other than at Cordelia.
Cordelia sighed. Goodbye to her nice relaxing day of verbally sparring with Doyle.
"Guess you should make yourselves comfortable. Coffee, anyone?"
Cordelia busied herself with adding more coffee grounds to the previously used filter.
Anya was now seated on the couch, looking bored and slightly put out. She absently flipped through one of the magazines that sat on the coffee table. Doyle was perched on the edge of Cordelia's desk with his arms folded across his chest. He alternated between giving curious glances at Anya and disapproving ones at Xander. The latter of whom was now hovering near Cordelia trying to "help" with the coffee making process.
"Y'know, Anya doesn't really grasp the whole being human thing quite yet. You don't actually think that I would be picturing you in any less clothing than you're wearing right now." He didn't really have much of an excuse for himself. Cordelia dismissed most of his babbling. "But, can I just say, from one ex to another—and in a totally non-picturing-you-naked-kinda-way that you look really good."
She did, however, focus on the important part, "Well, duh. When have I not looked good?"
"Traditionally, this is the point in a conversation where you return the compliment. But, hey, it's comforting to know that Hollywood hasn't changed you."
"The only thing that's changed is my proximity to the Hellmouth. Not that it matters. Still demons-a-plenty around here. Guess that's what I get for working for a vampire," she said with a small shrug.
Xander caught one of Doyle's intimidating looks in his direction. He shifted his weight uncomfortably. "And… that Doyle guy. What's his deal anyway?"
"He works here. Gets visions of people in trouble. Angel saves those people. I send those people invoices. Blah, blah, blah."
"And you and he are…?" Xander raised his eyebrows, implying the rest of his question.
"What?" She knew what Xander was asking; she just didn't feel like giving him a straight answer.
"Well, that's my question. You and he are… What? An office fling?"
"We are none of your business, that's what."
"Touchy, much? I'm not allowed to show interest in your life?"
"You're not showing interest. You're being nosey."
"Fine, whatever you want to call it… I don't think you should be with a guy like that."
"Remember the part about it being none of your business?" She snapped. She was starting to lose her patience. Even if Doyle wasn't actually her boyfriend, Xander had no right to imply that he wasn't right for her. She felt compelled to defend him. "You don't know anything about him."
"He just looks sorta…"
"Looks?" She snorted. "Yeah, you should really not be judging someone on their looks. Have you ever even looked in a mirror, Xander?"
"Oh. Wow." Xander was able to read something in her reaction. "It's serious, huh? Look at that, someone actually got through that impenetrable hide. Does he actually know how much you care or are you still in the treat-him-like-dirt-so-he'll-think-he-means-nothing phase?"
"Are you done?" She was fuming now. He had no right to know her as well as he did.
"You know what? I'll just say what I'm really thinking." He paused briefly before diving into the deep end. "He's too old for you, Cordy! He's gotta be, what? Like 30 or something? Wesley was bad enough, but at least he was all uptight and y'know… English. This guy looks like he spends time lurking in dark alleys. Or, possibly sleeping in them. Are you sure he isn't just using you—"
She cut him off abruptly. Now she was seeing red. "First of all, it's really none of your business what I do or who I do it with! Second of all, Doyle's not even close to 30. Besides, hello, your girlfriend is, like, a thousand years old!" Xander looked slightly chagrined about that point, but Cordelia wasn't done, "Third of all, he doesn't lurk or sleep in alleys—well, except when he is lurking with Angel in order to catch vampires and demons and stuff, or, sometimes when he gets really drunk and passes out before making it back to his apartment—but normally, not! And, finally, whatever else you were going to say about him—you're just plain wrong, buster!"
The civil portion of their conversation had been quiet enough not to attract much attention from the other two, but Cordelia's outburst had gotten progressively louder. Doyle didn't stand up, but he looked like he was ready to jump to Cordelia's defense if need be.
Xander raised his hands in surrender and backed away slightly from the tiger he had just unleashed. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Maybe the better question would have been why he would date you."
Cordelia silenced him with a deadly stare.
A half-second later, Doyle grimaced and very nearly tumbled off the edge of the desk. He brought both hands up to his forehead and appeared to be trying to keep his brain from forcing its way out through the front of his skull. Cordelia was at his side in a heartbeat, bracing him so he wouldn't fall over. Xander rushed forward as well, not entirely sure what was happening, but sincerely hoping that Cordelia's new boyfriend wasn't about to transform into The Incredible Hulk.
"He's having a vision." Cordelia explained simply, keeping all her attention on Doyle. After a moment, he regained control over his motor functions and took a shaky breath. Once his muscles relaxed, Cordelia let go of his shoulders and went to fetch the two bottles she kept behind her desk specifically for these occasions. One bottle of Aspirin, the other of Scotch. She poured a couple pills into Doyle's outstretched hand, which he tossed in his mouth and chased with the Scotch. They had this routine down pat.
"Wow...and a whole lot of wow. That happen a lot?" Xander asked in an incredulous voice.
"More than I'd like," was Doyle's pained reply. Taking another swig of Scotch then clearing his throat. "Much as I hate to break up the party… this is a message for the boss that can't wait."
Cordelia nodded and turned to knock on Angel's office door.
Buffy and Angel hadn't seemed to mind having their angst-filled conversation interrupted for some good old fashioned evil-fighting. Doyle had relayed the sketchy details from his vision and the two heroes had wasted little time heading off to save the day. Before leaving, Buffy had asked that Cordelia play tour guide to Xander and Anya for the remainder of the day.
Cordelia was less than thrilled with this development, but figured that it was probably better to take them somewhere rather than stay cooped up in the office all day. Santa Monica Pier it was! Doyle seemed pretty wiped out from his vision, which he had indicated was a rather ferocious one—but he agreed to join their little excursion anyway. She suspected that he wanted to keep an eye on Xander.
She made Xander and Anya wait in front of the building while she retrieved her car from the underground garage. Doyle went with her, of course. It was the perfect time to inform him that he was her obligatory fake-boyfriend for the day. Sure, she hadn't intended for Xander to think they were a couple, but now that he did—it was just easier to let him keep thinking it.
As a bonus, she'd have an excuse to stay close to Doyle all day. Not to mention that she'd get a little preview of what it might feel like to date him. It was actually a happy accident as far as she was concerned.
As they walked down to her car, she kept her voice light and casual, "Doyle, I need to ask you for a favor and it would be really great if you could just do it without giving me a hard time."
He cocked his head sideways, "I believe you're the one usually giving me a hard time, yeah?" He did have a point. The look in his eyes changed from humor to sincerity, as he said, "Whatever you need, darlin'. Just ask."
She melted a little at that reply. He could be really sweet sometimes.
"Xander jumped to the mistaken conclusion that you and I are…" she used her arms to gesture between them, "involved."
"Oh, yeah?" Doyle looked a little relieved by that idea. "What made him think that?"
She shrugged. "He's an idiot."
"And you cleared that up for him, then?"
"I was going to… and then he got me really mad."
"Yeah, I noticed."
She added brightly. "I didn't lie. I just never got around to correcting him."
"So he thinks we are…" Doyle was a bit amused now. He raised his brows questioningly, "What, exactly?"
"What do you mean? I just told you."
"I hate to break it to you, but he can be assuming a great many things if your conversation with him was as vague as this one is."
She gave him a withering look. "He assumes we are together. As in, we're a couple. Is that clear enough for you?"
Doyle nodded, still looking a bit skeptical. "You just trying to mess with the guy's head or what?"
She decided that a small dose of backstory was deserved. She didn't want him to think she was a total bitch—although, he might actually think that anyway.
"Listen, Doyle, I know you won't get it, but once upon a time I put myself out there and dated Xander Harris, registered geek, despite my better judgment. And you know what happened? You know what I got for putting my hea—social status on the line? My geek boyfriend cheated on me—the most popular girl at school—with a fellow geek. And, as an extra special parting gift, I got sent to the hospital! So, I don't really care what he does or who he dates. But, it does make me feel good to have him think that there is someone currently in my life who is crazy about me. Think you can do that?"
"I can do that." Doyle replied, the sympathy evident in his eyes.
She was relieved that he didn't question it further. "Great. Some ground rules. No kissing or groping of any kind. If we put on too big a show, Xander will know what's up—he may be stupid, but he also knows how I operate." She had Doyle's rapt attention as she barely stopped for a breath. "All you have to do is act the way you usually do, Mr. Inappropriately-Overprotective. And, you should probably put your arm around me a few times as long as you think you can make it look authentic and not awkward."
He looked flustered as she made her "inappropriately-overprotective" comment, "Geez, Cordelia, what do you take me for? Some kind of animal?"
She gave him a look that told him that that is exactly what she took him for. He nodded guiltily before switching gears. "You serious about the no kissing bit, though? I think it would be a lot more convincing if—"
"Doyle!" Her eyes were wide as she gave him a warning look. Being her pretend boyfriend was one thing, but getting to cop a feel was another. That should be reserved for a real date—if she decided to actually go on a real date with him.
"Can't blame a guy for trying, yeah?"
To be continued