Title: Tattooed on My Skin
Author: Forsaken2003
Pairing: S/X
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own none, all belong to Joss Whedon
Comments: Always welcomed!
Summary: Spike and Xander had a fling back in Sunnydale until Spike ended it. Four years later Spike finds out it might have meant more to one of them.
Warnings/Spoilers: Post NFA
Beta'd by: Unbeta'd
Bunny Plot by: Randomplotbunny: These two are so adorable! Makes me wonder how Spike would react to Xander having/drunkenly getting a tattoo... and trying to hide it, either in embarrassment at what it is or because it expresses his feelings for his Vamp. :-)
Note: I wanted to post this sooner but I reread it and it needed a serious rewrite.
Note 2: I don't have Word right now so writing is a little more difficult on Notepad. Please bare with me!
Spike had been in Scotland for over a year now. He showed up at Slayer Central one day without a heads up, shocking the Scooby gang that he was alive. Apparently Andrew kept his word and hadn't told a soul about him being alive. The Scooby's had been so happy to see him, it made him feel like he was truly home. The only one missing though was Xander. Apparently he was still off collecting new S.I.T's but he would be home soon.
Soon was six months later and when Xander saw Spike all the color drained from his face. Both he and Spike stood staring at one other neither knowing what to say. Their friendship had been strained years ago. They had a fling the summer Buffy had died. Not only Buffy but Anya. Buffy died saving the world and Anya died saving Xander by pushing him out of the way as concrete and metal was about to collapse. They both needed someone... something. It was fun. Nice even. It was the first time Spike felt like he was in a normal, stable, healthy relationship even though no one else knew about them. They went to movies, the Bronze for pool and onion blossoms. They even looked after Dawn together. The others just assumed their friendship blossomed from their lose. It wasn't that they were hiding it, it was because it was so soon after neither wanted the others to think they were insensitive to what happened.
It was Spike who ended things after Buffy came back from heaven. Buffy needed him he told Xander. That she had been through so much. Xander seemed to take it well enough. Was supportive even of the situation. But soon their friendship that had slowly grown so much over the past year was now non-existent. Xander tried to make plans with Spike but Spike never had the time for him now. Every waking minute was spent with Buffy. Xander learned fast that he didn't mean anything to Spike. That their time together meant nothing.
Eventually Xander gave up and pretended that he and Spike never happened. He spend most of his time with Willow and Tara. Had Dawn stay with him when Buffy went out with Spike... which was a lot. It was tough constantly reassuring the fourteen year old that Buffy still loved her and that she was just going through a lot right now. Buffy would eventually be okay and everything would go back to normal.
Xander was right. Things with Buffy fizzled out a few months later. Buffy finally realized that she still had a life that she was completely ignoring. That she had a sister that still needed her. Buffy apologized to Spike for using him but she never loved him and that he hoped that one day he found someone that would love him with all their heart and soul because it was what he deserved.
That night Spike showed up at Xander's apartment with Chinese food and a DVD of Godzilla. If anyone could cheer him up for his broken heart it was Xander. He'd tell some lame jokes, tell Spike that what he did for Buffy was a good thing and then he'd make some popcorn for the movie. Just what Spike needed.
When Xander opened the door Spike was greeted with an expressionless and Xander's cell in his hand. "Buffy just texted me about the break up. I had a feeling you'd come here looking for some comfort. Maybe tell you I'm sorry that it didn't work out and that I was rooting for you guys or that it's Buffy's loss and she doesn't know what a 'great guy' she gave up," he said. Xander didn't wait for an answer and continued. "Well, you can find some other smuck."
"Xan, you're my best friend," Spike said. "I need you."
"Best friend?" Xander snorted. "You don't treat your best friend the way you've treated me the last few months. You had Buffy and you didn't need me anymore. Didn't have time to go to the Bronze or hang out. I bet you didn't even know that I got a promotion two months ago."
Spike was surprised that he didn't know. "The promotion that you were talking about during the summer. Congrats, Xan, you deserve it."
"I do deserve it. I worked my ass off for it." Xander crossed his arms over his chest. "Look, Spike, we're not friends. I don't think we ever were."
Spike felt like he was just punched in the stomach. Not only did he lose the girl the loved but his best friend. "Don't say that. Please don't say that. I need you."
"That's where we are different, Spike. I don't need you." Xander then closed the door in Spike's face and locked it.
Spike tried making an amends with Xander but nothing he did was well received. The only thing that made a dent in the wall of anger Xander built around himself was when Spike saved Xander from becoming completely blind thanks to Caleb. After that Xander became somewhat civil. Spike thought that with a little more time he'd finally have his friend back. But time wasn't on his side. A few weeks later Spike burned up in Sunnydale.
Now Spike was back in their lives and once again he tried being Xander's friend but Xander still kept his distance. Not only from Spike from everyone else, preferring to stay to himself, doing the maintenance work when needed. Buffy and Willow had new relationships on top of their duties for the council so they had little time for Xander. It infuriated Spike that Xander was acting so childish with him. But no more. He was going to talk to Xander and Xander was going to listen.
He walked passed Xander's room and could feel the steam from Xander's shower from under the door. Spike could hear Xander going through his drawers to find clean clothes. Now was the perfect time to give Xander a piece of his mind. Taking hold of the door handle Spike pushed the door open. "Whelp, we have to... talk?" Spike froze in place when he saw Xander's back.
Xander had a tattoo. A big one between his shoulder blades. It was a word, just one. Spike. "Bloody hell."
"What the hell are you doing in my room?" Xander flung around to glare at Spike. "Don't you know how to knock?"
"Why do you have my name tattooed on you?" Spike demanded not answering Xander's questions.
Pulling a shirt over his head and covering up his back Xander answered, "It's none of your business."
"The hell it isn't," Spike snarled and got in Xander's face. "When did you get that?"
Xander's eye closed his face turning red with embarrassment and anger. "A week after you dumped me. I was drunk and the next morning I woke up with my back hurting. I figured I got in a fight with a demon. You have no idea how surprised I was when I found out it was so much worse."
"You don't drink. You said you never would since your father was an alcoholic," Spike said not believing Xander for a minute. "And I didn't break up with you. We'd have had to be dating."
"That was my mistake, wasn't it? Thinking that you actually wanted to be with me. Yeah, it started out as just sex. trying to figure out how to go on after losing Anya and Buffy but I thought it ended up being more. We hung out, played pool at the Bronze watched movies."
Spike shook his head trying to figure out what he just walked into. "We did those things before we started shagging."
"I thought it was more. So you can understand my surprise when one day you call things off and the next thing your with Buffy."
"You seemed fine. You never said anything," Spike said.
Xander backed away. "What should I have done? Begged you not to leave? Tell you that I love you? Would it have really made a difference?"
"You love me?" Spike asked. Never in a million years did he think this was how this conversation would go.
"Loved," Xander clarified. "I eventually realized I meant nothing to you. You finally got what you wanted. Buffy. How long did that last?"
The answer was three months. His... whatever it was with Xander lasted almost five months. "You should have told me."
"Screw you!" Xander yelled. "I didn't owe you a damn thing. I still don't so get the fuck out of my room." He turned away.
"You still love me," Spike said not making a move to leave. "If you didn't you would have gotten rid of that thing years ago."
Xander didn't deny it. "You couldn't have just stayed dead, could you? No, you had to come here and make it worse again. I felt like I could breathe again after you died. Like I was free from what I felt because there was nothing I could do about. You were gone. I had to finally move on."
"But you didn't," Spike said softly. "You were never with anyone after me."
With a self-loathing laugh Xander said, "I guess I couldn't be with someone if I was still in love with another person. Then I started finding other slayers there was no time to become romantically involved with anyone. Or maybe I was just afraid history would repeat itself. Realizing I wasn't good enough for you didn't do wonders for my already low self-esteem."
"I never meant to hurt you. If I had known..." Spike said but Xander cut him off.
"You would have what? You would have still left," Xander answered. "You never would have loved me. I know that now."
Spike ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know. I think I would have needed time. I know what it's like to love someone who didn't reciprocate and they purposely hurt me. I cared about you... I still care about you. If I didn't I wouldn't have barged in here demanding you stop being a twat and be the Xander that was once my friend."
"I can't be friends with you, Spike," Xander replied softly. "I cant spend time with you knowing nothing more will ever happen.I want to but I did this song and dance with Buffy and it all but killed me for over a year. I got over it but with you? I physically, emotionally and mentally can't shake my feelings."
"Never say never." Spike was looking at Xander like it was the first time he was seeing him. "I've missed you. More than I missed Buffy when she was gone."
Xander tried not to look hopefully. Tried to stop his heart from being broken again. "What does that mean?"
"It means I want to spend time with you. Be friends again..." Spike saw the disappointment on Xander's face. "And then maybe once you trust me we could I don't know go on a date. Maybe be in a relationship that we are both ready for."
"I don't want false hope," Xander told him defensively. "I don't want to be hurt again."
"It's not. If you don't want to try again I understand. I hurt you and if you want me to bugger off I will but I'm asking for time. Can you do that for me?" Spike asked holding a breath he didn't need.
Xander cursed himself. He wanted to tell Spike to leave him alone, to never talk to him again but he couldn't because after all this time Xander was still head over heels in love with Spike. There was a seventy-five percent chance that Spike would break Xander's heart all over again and yet Xander was willing to chance the twenty-five percent that he could get his happy ending. If he got hurt this time it would be no ones fault but his own. "Fine. I'm going to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire this weekend. You can tag along if you want."
Spike wasn't much of a Harry Potter fan and Xander knew that. This was a test to see how serious Spike was about everything he had just said. It was a test Spike wanted to pass. "I'd love to see it."
Happy with the answer Xander nodded. "Good. Maybe we can play a game of pool after the movie."
"Sounds great, Xan." Spike was glad that Xander was offering an olive branch because he knew Xander hated pool but he was so bad at it. It made him wonder now if all the times they played pool in Sunnydale if it was Xander's way of expressing his feelings and Spike just wasn't listening. "I... I'll see you at dinner?"
"Yeah," Xander answered.
Risking get punched Spike pulled Xander into a hug. "I really have missed you."
Xander heart felt like it was going to burst. He wrapped his arms around Spike. "I've missed you too." And in that moment Xander felt like everything would work out.
The End