Carlisle's Diary

Friday 12th July –

The Cullen Mansion in the Early Hours of the Morning

7:20 am – Oh bloody hell. I have absolutely no socks. I've checked like, fifty times and they're all odd. I think Esme does this deliberately to wind me up.

7:22 am – I have found two black ones that, although they have slightly different patterns, look like they are roughly the same size.

7:23 am - I have covered the socks up with shoes. No one will ever know.

Forks Town Hospital

8:10 am – I have said hello to Viki, the receptionist on front desk, although I doubt she heard me; she was asleep.

8:26 am – Lance is now briefing me on the operation I'm about to perform. Lance is boring.

8:27 am – If you really stop and stare at it, you can see that Lance has a really weird nose. It like, fans out in two directions and it twitches when he speaks.

8:29 am – I don't like Lance.

8:30 am – I have just realised I have not listened to a word Lance has said.

8:40 am – It turns out I've got to remove something from an old lady called Ms. Fronsilthwaite.

8:43 am – So far so good.

8:44 am – There's a weird looking, purple thing hanging out. I don't know what it is. It can't be that important, can it?

8:45 am – Shit.

8:57 am – It turns out that thing was her spleen. It didn't look like a spleen; it was all shrivelled up and purple. Fiona has taken over the operation and is trying to stuff it back in.

10:45 am – I have just spent almost two hours in the surgery, exchanging foot infection advice.

10:57 am – I have just been shown the vilest boil on the hairiest backside imaginable. I never knew Jessica Stanley had such luxuriant backside hair. She should win trophies.

12:02 pm – Lunchtime! Of course, I don't actually eat anything – that would be weird. Instead, I like to sit on the kerb outside the hospital and count all the people that park in the disabled spot and then pretend to limp or drag themselves across the pavement. It's amusing.

12:57 pm – Severe lack of swindlers today. Maybe no one is ill.

12:58 pm – If no one is ill, I will get no money. That would be bad.

12:59 pm – How am I going to pay for that new leg waxing session?

1:05 pm – Gah! Just returned to office to find Herbert Spanger in the waiting room. He is quite possibly the vilest man to walk the Earth. I hope he's booked in to see Lisa.

1:07 pm – Oh please God, no!

1:09 pm – Thank goodness it's only a check up; I don't have to prod anything.

1:10pm – Here he is...

1:14 pm – He thinks I'm writing notes when really I'm just drawing breasts in the margin.

1:15 pm – Har har! I am so clever and cool.

1:23 pm – I wonder if he'll notice if I go on Facebook...

1:24 pm – Charlie Swan added me as a friend.

1:32 pm – This man can talk.

1:34 pm – Time up, Mr Spanger. Now get the hell out of my office! Actually, I didn't say that. I just sort of ushered him out. There was nothing wrong with him, anyway. I think he just makes these appointments in order to talk to other human beings. He's a bit weird to be honest; Alice once swore she saw him making a tractor out of the grass in his front garden. What. A. Guy.

3:45 pm – I have to go to a meeting now. Joy.

4:57 pm - Lalalalalalalalalalala

5:29 pm - Hometime. Whoop whoop!

The Cullen Mansion

6:01 pm – I was just greeted in the hallway by a discarded, dirty nappy lying on the hall floor. This was quite disturbing considering Renesme now has the appearance of an eleven year old. I'll ask Esme if she knows from whence it may have come.

6:06 pm – Found Jasper and Edward playing on the dance mat in the living room. Conversation went as follows:

Me: Has anyone seen Esme?

Jasper: (panting slightly after strenuous dancing activity) Yeah. She ran through here earlier, with blood dripping from a gash in her arm. She was screaming at the time. Not seen her since.

Me: (having a minor seizure) Did you not think to go and ask her if she was ok?

Edward: Nah...she'll be ok. Besides, this game is awesome! (kicks a little too enthusiastically and ends up sprawled on the parquet floor.)

Me: I'll go and find her, shall I?

Jasper: ..................

Edward: ..................

I'm so proud of my sons.

6:08 pm – Esme was in the kitchen, making dinner for Renesme and Jake. A large bandage was wrapped around her forearm.

"What happened?" I asked, nodding towards her injury.

"Oh...nothing." She replied. "I just...erm...fell sideways...onto...erm...a dog."

"You fell sideways onto a dog?"

"Yep."

"A dog gave you a gash in the arm?"

"It was carrying a samurai sword."

"Right." I paused, digesting the information. "We don't have a dog..."

"No."

"Where did the dog come from?"

"It belongs to Doctor Rick."

"Who in the name of all things cute, furry and possibly bulimic is Doctor -"

"I'm Doctor Rick..." Came a voice from the doorway of the kitchen. A male vampire was standing in the doorway. He was incredibly handsome; the sort of handsome that makes you want to vomit. His dark hair was slicked back with enough oil to interest George Bush and his gleaming white teeth could have blinded a bat, even though bats are already blind – they were that shiny. The man stepped further into the room. "I'll be your associate doctor here in Forks."