Is it Fate that guides us? God? Chance? The one thing you least expect seems most determined to become reality, as if there's a driving force behind it, willing itself to prove you wrong. Is this a cosmic game? Or simply the path we walk down through life? It seems too well planned, and at times too ironic. The second your road is in sight, something falls to acclude it -- or compliment it, as the situation were...
War isn't supposed to be natural, but it came naturally to me. The patterns of thought essential for battle strategizing were engrained in me by my father, grandfather and great-grandfather, both having served their own time as high-ranking officials in large-scale wars. Both men were figures in history books, my father having fought in the once-flourishing town of Corel, and my grandfather...
When I was small, he would tell me vivid stories, permanently implanting images into my mind of his troops storming through town, beating back the opposing troops with his loyal platoon of soldiers and superior weapons, and finally claiming glory just as the sky began to drop lakefuls of rain in an attempt to wash the blood from Her precious earth.
The town was named Reuljin, a huge power when the search for control of land began back at the beginning of the century. If you mention the name Reuljin to any civilian today, you're likely to get a blank stare in response; every bit of the town was completely destroyed by my grandfather's army, and the land hasn't been set foot on since. However, if you mention the Archangelic War, (so named because the general opposing my grandfather rather believed himself to be a god, and my father's troops were sent to dethrone him like "rebellious angels"), everyone will join in on the conversation. Such a revered man my grandfather was, stories of his courage are told still today to little ones while being tucked in at night, their parents hoping to inspire their children with that same sort of courage that was so fleeting in these times, decades later.
Naturally, I grew up with the same zest for the military and all the respect and dignity it had to offer. My father told me I had a good head on my shoulders, and that I was likely be the next addition to the history books. He already predicted war was in my future, what with the selfishness of people in my time and how they feuded over gods-knows-what. One way or another, I would be met with the opportunity to continue down the road my father and grandfather had left me with. I'd get a taste of the bittersweetness of victory. It simply wasn't in my blood to lose.
My opportunity came when a strong but militaristically weak company called Shin-Ra, Incorporated began seeking skilled young men to forcefully lead them into their brighter future, I was the one they found. It didn't take long for me to agree to their terms, then be placed in my barracks at Junon, a large city almost completely controlled by the Shin-Ra military. Ranks flew by for me; once I had gotten through the first two weeks of severe training and sizing up from my commanders, their challenges seemed to roll off my back like water off a duck, and I gradually earned their respect. I was soon training the men I had trained with when I had arrived.
Shin-Ra was more than just a power company - they had also come to own a great deal of the media, and land on various parts of the world. There wasn't a man alive who hadn't heard of the name "Shinra". Where mako reactors - Shin-Ra's tools of converting planet energy into power the people could use - were wanted, they went up with little to no debate. Many towns welcomed them, as they raised the property value of the surrounding land. In that sense, Shin-Ra was also seen as a spoiled company, too accustomed to getting what it wanted without hesitation. You can see why, then, that a massive problem arose when Wutai decided not to let the company erect one of it's huge reactors on their land. That was where I came in.
Wutaiians are normally peaceful people, but they have an intense sense of pride for their land and their families. When Shin-Ra refused to stop pushing the idea of the reactor, it sparked something in the Wutaiians - they knew they would have to fight for what they wanted and they had no fear of doing so. Shin-Ra threw legal loopholes at them until they were blue in the face, but the Wutaiians wouldn't let any workers approach the site where the reactor was to be built. It would disgrace their families from generations back and in generations to come if they allowed themselves to be bullied. So stubborn were they that nary a Wutaiian man minded taking up the occupation of the bully themselves. It took a worker dying for Shin-Ra to finally forcefully respond to the disturbances, though when they did, it was as if the withheld tension over the many months of debating the issue finally broke like a dam and poured out, crushing the people of Wutai and anyone standing in it's way.
The Wutaiians are a strong people. They pushed Shin-Ra to measures they had not even perceived being forced to. Fortunately for us, Shin-Ra had a top of the line team of scientists, developing unheard-of new toys for the army to play with. That gained us the upper hand, but nevertheless, the battle lapsed into a stalemate for close to a year.
Shin-Ra's attack-dog spirit seemed distracted by something else, or else surely we would have one by then. I had no idea what it was, or what to expect; all I knew was that Shin-Ra wouldn't have stopped their aggressive behaviour toward Wutai unless they had: 1. gotten what they wanted, or 2. had something else colossal planned.
That 'something' is the reason I'm in the position I am today. For all the world, I try to admire him, for his skills, courage, his cunning -- but I can't see past what he is, nor what he's done to me.
After ten months of silence from both sides, a meeting was called. Finally, I had thought, I knew they wouldn't have given up so easily. Well, my knowledge of Shin-Ra had been dead-on; the only problem was, my knowledge of what they were capable of flickered in the wind and died the moment I laid eyes on what the real focus of the meeting had been.
Typical soldiers and typical battle strategies weren't enough anymore; even the scientific edge of weaponry we had been given wasn't to Shin-Ra's satisfaction. It hadn't been "causing enough of a stir" to their liking. It was critical, the president had said, that Shin-Ra make a splash and truly get noticed when this war finally concluded. And it was about to, because their "secret weapon" was then prepared.
I'll never forget that man's eyes- Like a lion's, always seeking, yet with the most icily calm demeanor that gave the illusion of detachment, though at all times, he was observing. He walked with an unspoken sense of authority, as if the utmost respect was his birthright. He had stood at the head of the conference table alongside the president. The president's arm had been around the man's waist (the chubby little man couldn't casually reach the soldier's shoulders). He had flaunted the stranger as "Shin-Ra's super soldier", capable of gaining the company the attention it needed to haul in an even bigger cash flow along with the people's affection.
When it came right down to it, Shin-Ra wanted an icon, a flag, of sorts, to be identified by. And who better to represent the company than Sephiroth; Shin-Ra's own creation, and war hero of the Wutaiian Struggle, as it had come to be known.
I was soon to be forgotten in the wake of excitement that surrounded Sephiroth. Replacing me as the front-lines general, Sephiroth led the attack that resulted in the conclusion of the three-year long war. Shin-Ra's self-owned press made sure to broadcast the images to the world.
Pictures of Sephiroth leaning against his massive blood-ribboned sword, his eyes weary but his expression triumphant painted my newspapers for weeks to come. The news was all salt in a sore, irritated wound that embittered me toward the company, toward Sephiroth and toward the world that was now falling - no, leaping wholly and fully into Shin-Ra Inc.'s embrace. I was disgusted with the whole ordeal, of Shin-Ra using a war where dozens of people had died solely to catapult a man to super-stardom for the sake of raking in more business.
Needless to say, I retreated to my apartment and stayed there for a few solid weeks, never straying outside of my small comfort zone. How else was I supposed to cope? But, thinking back on it, that act, too, was shameful. I suppose I should have been brave enough to face the fact that my life-long dream in progress had been dashed by someone who entered at the last moment to steal the prize... It had been my trained troops who won, so in a technical sense, I was a part of the victory... but defeat lingered so heavily in the air afterward, it was hard to see that light through the fog. I couldn't let myself off easily, knowing I had fallen short of my goal.
Technically, I still worked for Shin-Ra, but the loathing I had toward the management for the foul treatment I had received was unignorable. Despite all the blood and sweat I had put into the victory, my name wasn't mentioned once in any of the articles. I suppose it was petty to fuss over, but this was my birthright, damn it, not his, and it struck a chord in me I can't describe with mere words. Even those who had died took a back-burner to Sephiroth's success.
If an outsider saw their uplifting of Sephiroth, something they themselves had created with as much precision as a factory would produce a car, as Shin-Ra stroking it's ego, I saw it as full-blown masturbation. It disgusted me that they would use so many people to drive one man to fame, just to attract more people to their name.
My pride finally forced me out of semi-hiding to face the world again, though not before much simpering and self-pity. Now that the war excitement had begun to dissolve, my life took up a more normal, predictable routine. I was still regarded as an esteemed strategist, but with considerably less of a workload than I once had, even in pre-war times. Shin-Ra kept it's military intact, only, instead of I, it was Sephiroth who trained any soldiers who showed promise. I was responsible for the discipline-lacking rookies, weeding out what talent I could find and discarding a great portion of those who signed up. Dashing a bunch of kids' hopes wasn't the job I had been looking for when I joined this wretch of a company, but my roots were firmly planted here, and if there was any future chance of once again becoming a headliner in the military front, this was where I would find it. Shin-Ra's talent was ruffling feathers, after all. Surely they'd pull another half-assed stunt again once they were feeling ignored. Perhaps then I'd switch sides just to spite them, and give the Shin-Ra bastard child, General Sephiroth, what was coming to him.
My morale was dragging, though, and those few whom had ever shown any support within the company gave worried looks and supportive pats as they passed me, hoping I'd snap out of my depression on my own. It was disgraceful, being pitied like that, even if they were trying to help. I accepted their kindness with guilty thanks and solemn remorse.
If staining my heritage wasn't disturbing enough, something else was about to slide in under my defenses and take me by surprise. Perhaps if I had been less focused on my depression at the time, I would have seen it coming, I could have prevented it from having such an astounding affect on my life. This is what makes me wonder of higher powers and such, of things like Fate and God, whether they had a hand in the way things played out, because if the timing had not been just so, the entire idea, the situation, would have been immediately rebuffed. I ...don't know whether to thank them, or damn them.
One day, I was combing through the files in my office (or attempting to - the lock on my file cabinet was feeling particularly malicious) when I heard the door open behind me. I glanced over my shoulder and saw a man about my height, slightly shorter, wearing a forest-green suit. He wore a smile in his aqua eyes and on his face, radiating a general sense of joviality that was a scarcity behind the walls of the Shin-Ra Tower. I had seen him around; he participated in board meetings, so I knew before he even spoke that his voice matched his personality: lighthearted, witty, casual.
"Hey there," he said to me, a grin splayed on his face. "Not disturbing anything, am I?"
"Ah, no.." I gave up on the miserable lock and crossed the room, shaking his hand and gesturing him inside my office. He had a firm grip, despite his demeanor. "What can I do for you?"
"The president wanted me to meet with you. It seems you and I have some stuff to talk about. Why don't we go to lunch? I can't talk on an empty stomach."
I stiffened as he took me by the elbow and began to lead me out. "What sort of 'stuff'?"
The man laughed. "Good stuff. Don't worry, you're not in trouble, nobody died, I'm not here to replace you."
"Thank goodness," I muttered. "Had enough of that to last me a lifetime."
"Yeah, well..." He silently sympathized for a stretched moment... but no longer . Nothing seemed to keep this man down for long. He was smiling the next minute, and managed to distract me from my problems by engaging a simple conversation about ... strange, I can't remember what it was about. All I can recall is that he did a stellar job of keeping my mind away from the depressing circumstances of my life. The same held true during lunch.
"So, what exactly is this about?" I began to cut my steak, but my fork did little but skid around the plate as the blade attempted to tear through the impenetrable dead cow. I swore never to eat at the Shin-Ra lunchroom again, but with it so conveniently placed, this was, of course, an empty promise.
He watched in vague amusement, poking all the while at his shrimp salad. "You've probably already heard, but Shinra's decided to can the space program for a while. That leaves me with little or nothing to do... and you know how the President hates idle hands. So, it was his idea that I come to you, and perhaps ...mm.." He nibbled a shrimp off of his fork and smiled, more than satisfied with the taste. I smirked, amused, then looked down at my stringy, shredded steak.
"Maybe I should have had that instead.."
"You want some?" He offered, tilting the large bowl up to show quite a lot of the salad left. I shook my head.
"No, that's alright.."
"Ah, come on."
Before I could decline again, he took his unused knife and scraped a good portion of it onto my plate. I smiled appreciatively in return. He only chuckled.
"All the time, you're so proper."
"My father was big on discipline when I was younger," I replied, sampling a bit of the fresh lettuce. It went down much easier than my battle with the steak had. I thanked him again, and he passed me the dressing after drizzling a bit more onto his own plate.
"Heh, my parents more or less let me run wild, when I wasn't off at boarding school. I gave my mother a real headache."
I snickered. "I think we all gave our mothers headaches. It's part of the assignment we're given before birth."
He gave a quiet snort. "Wish that's all I'd done. I really stressed that lady out, gods knows it." His grin turned sordid. "Gave the old girl a mental breakdown once, you know."
I paused for a moment, eating in silence, unsure just how to respond. He did the same, although the silence was much more uncomfortable for him, it seemed, although he tried to play it off casually. It seemed to me he was looking to me for approval, which rather put me on the spot. Finally, I just shrugged a shoulder and told him, "If your mom had those problems, then they were a part of her, not because of something you did."
"Yeah..." he said, after another short pause, "I'd suppose so." A simpler smile was restored, and I was glad. No other expression seemed fitting on him. When he smiled, there was a surrounding comfort in the room. I felt proud to have been the one to put the smile back where it belonged.
"Hey..." I blinked, feeling stupid all of a sudden, "you haven't told me yet what this whole thing's about. Why'd you drag me down here?"
"Oh, right." Another short chuckle as he cleaned up with his napkin. "Other than for good company during lunch? .. The president suggested that you and I work on plans for an air force in addition to the Shin-Ra SOLDIERs. If we had air-power, nothing like Wutai would ever happen again. The world would be too intimidated to resist! Not only that, but people would seek Shin-Ra's protection even more than they already do. 'Safe under the wings of Shin-Ra'... can you see it?"
I nodded. Maybe this was just what I needed to lift my spirits? His enthusiasm dragged me in. It certainly was hard to be down when you kept company as sunny as he was.
"I can definitely see it as something Shin-Ra would benefit from."
"And you, too," he added unsubtly. I eyed him, brow arched. He glanced back incredulously.
"Come on now, everyone's seen you moping around now that the war's over. Personally, I think it's a good thing it's over and done with, but then again, I wasn't such a big part of it. I say this is a new chance to start fresh with Shin-Ra Inc... That way you can see it as more than just a company crammed to the brim with overconfident jackasses - see it as a company ...brimming with overconfident jackasses, and a huge paycheck worth fighting for!"
I broke into a grin, which copied onto his lips.
Everyone was going to benefit from this little partnership, I thought.
For the first time after I had been cheated out of my place in the
history books, I allowed myself to see a little glimmer of hope in the
horizon, flickering brightly, just tempting me to trust it. Maybe,
I had thought...
My father told me not to believe in "maybe's" ... just this once, I thought, I would ignore his advice.
The weeks flew by in the blink of an eye. He and I had made it a tradition to eat lunch at a small restaurant across the street from the Shin-Ra building where they served edible steak, although I rarely ever ordered it anymore. The waiters always knew that the shrimp salad was a must. Each time they prepared it before we arrived, we made sure to leave a considerable tip. Management was happy, we were happy, things were good.
"What's your sign?" He asked out of the blue one night while we sat at in the corner of a bar, nursing our drinks in lethargy, another ritual that occurred every Friday to help us wind down for the weekend.
"Horoscopes?.. Oh, don't tell me you believe in that crap."
"Yeah, and why not?" he replied bitterly, mixing his drink with the flamboyantly turquoise mini-umbrella. "It's silly to most, but you never know. More times than not, I've found, it can be pretty accurate. You need all the advantages you can get in life, you know?"
"It's ridiculous. The stars don't know anything about me, and no planet moving from one phase into another is going to determine whether I get a tax return or get laid."
"How long's it been, anyway?"
"Too long."
"Heh... My horoscope said that I was going to meet someone through my employers. How about that?"
"Yeah? Anyone in mind?.." I grinned and nudged at him with my foot under the table. It was the alcohol, I was sure, that accounted for the immaturity, although it could've very well been blamed on his personality rubbing off on me.
"Eh... What about you?"
"Are you kidding? All the good secretaries are married. Any women higher up on the ladder were born with tails and claws. The rest are interns... and you know how uppity all o' them are, think they own the goddamn world just because they work a few floors down from Old Man Shinra. B'sides, they're too young for me. I'm not into robbing the cradle."
"Funny, I thought strict upbringing tamed everything but hormones..."
I smirked. "I never said it tamed anything... but what I think about doing and what I actually do are two different things entirely. You can think your superior officer is the biggest brown-nosed asswipe in the place, yet salute him with as much energy as an hyperactive chipmunk if you try hard enough."
"But why try? It's more fun to give him the finger behind his back and only salute him when you're forced to at gun-point."
I gave a snort and eyed him over my drink, concealing my amusement. "That doesn't make a good soldier."
"Ah, you're too stiff," he muttered.
"Oh really?" I raised my eyebrow and shot back, "Well, you're too...uh.."
"Genius at work again, I see."
"Shut up," I retorted. It took a moment, but I finally rebounded with, "Too.. loose-lipped."
"Hey, I resemble that remark!"
I snickered. "Alright, alright... ahh.... You're too.. airheaded."
"You're too German."
"Well excuse me." I grinned stupidly. "You're too bald."
"You're just drunk."
"So are you."
"Having fun?"
"You bet."
"Great. Bartender! 'nother round, please!..."
"I think it's coming along good, really. ...and, no one's even died yet! What a first."
"Thrilling," I replied calmly. He nodded, looking over the airships with approval, his arms folded behind his back. "We got a good pilot to fly them, too. Experienced; built his own plane, even. He can teach the others... Soon, Shin-Ra will have it's own platoon of tobacco-spitting, bearded, cursing pilots wandering it's halls, just because of us. Aren't you proud?"
"Oh, definitely... And don't put down the tobacco-spitting until you try it, I'm telling you.." I waved my cigarette ominously at him before lighting it up. He made a face at me and fanned the foul-smelling smoke away.
"That's the only flaw in you, I swear."
"How flattering."
A secretary passed by at that moment, glancing at the two of us oddly. We fell silent till she rounded the corner, then dissolved into snickers. I swear, that man brings out the kid in me... a side I'd thought I had killed off, or had died by itself a long, long time ago.
"So..." he said, sobering gradually, "I'm really proud of the designs. Fast as hell, trustworthy, sleek,... very nifty."
I laughed. "You're thirty years old and you still say 'nifty' with the exuberance of a teenager."
"Quiet, you. Anyway, about the designs.."
"Ah... shit," I glanced at my wristwatch, lip twitching into a frown. "Can we talk about this later? I'm late..."
"For?"
I prodded him. "Supposed to meet Shannon for dinner, I thought I told you."
"Ah.." I had thought he was embarrassed about the intrusion of privacy - he grew silent for a long moment, but finally answered. "Sorry, you never told me."
"What are we, in highschool again? I have to report to you every time I get a lady to speak to me?" I grinned a bit, teasingly.
A smile slowly etched across his face. "It's not often they do, you know? You dating a blind girl now?"
"Jackass."
He smirked, breaking off to head back to his office. "Hey, go get 'em."
"Thanks." I grinned, waved to him and walked away. Knowing what I know now, I wish I hadn't. I'm more intuitive than that, really - or so I keep telling myself when the image of that scene resurrects itself in my memory. And yet, I was still such a fool back then.
Even the most brilliant men can overlook the simplest, most obvious things - that reasoning is what keeps my self esteem from taking a nosedive through the floor when I think about what I missed. I was blind to it, avoided it, and denied it for two years. In that time, he watched me course through a handful of relationships, a rare few lasting more than three months. This dirty city, Midgar, does something to people. Perhaps it's grown so fast that it reminds people that there is so much to aspire for... better than what they have -- better than me, of course.
For whatever reasons they left, he always was a source of comfort, just
as he had been after the war, when my dreams had been crushed. He was a
crutch to lean on when my legs weren't quite sturdy enough to stand on...
and for all that, I gave him nothing in return. Had it been entirely up to
me, I probably would have left things as they were, but he knows me better
than I know myself, and he knew that confronting me head-on was the only
way to open my eyes. I'm both thankful and regretful... I expected it, but
I didn't.. and either way, I couldn't help but be taken by surprise.
The streets had been calm. Only on clear nights, would we take walks out through the city. We owned this city - or at least felt as if we did, towering over it in the Shin-Ra building for more than half the day - and we should get out and enjoy it, he said to me. The moonlight was dissipated by Midgar's many streetlights and advertisements, painting fluorescent streaks on the sidewalks as the signs flickered. What stars were still viewable were dim but illustrous.
"You still haven't told me when your birthday is," he said as we walked idly down the streets in the better neighborhoods of the Upper Plate.
"Because I know you're going to play astrological crossword puzzles with it."
"Come on, I seem like a bad friend by not knowing. You know mine."
I sighed. "I don't particularly like my birthday celebrated.. that's why I haven't told you. I know you like to have a huge thing on your birthdays, but for me... it's just not something to celebrate."
He didn't need to say a word, just raise an eyebrow to press me to continue. I sighed again, softer, but murmured the answer to his question. "My grandfather died three days before my thirteenth birthday. It's... - I've felt guilty. I wasn't with him when it happened."
"I'm sorry," he replied quietly, hands in his pocket as he walked, eyes trained to the ground.
"Since then, it's just held no happy meaning for me... only a tangle of memories that put this sinking feeling in my stomach. My grandfather and I were very close...He didn't want me with him when he passed. He didn't want anyone to see him."
"Then," he suggested, raising his head to the sky in thought, "..why don't you look at it as a celebration of his life on your birthday, rather than the conclusion of it?"
"Easier said than done. I wish I could be that optimistic, but I've had too many men in my troops die on me in battle. It just seems like... like a defeat to me. I got that mindset from him, you know, but my grandpa doesn't deserve that shame. He always seemed immortal, in a way. He was a hero all the days of his life to me, even those last few days... Ah, I don't know," I grumbled, shaking my head. A chuckle leaked out, but it sounded less than casual. "Maybe I'm being selfish by not remembering him, only his death.."
He shook his head, smiling. "You're not being selfish ....Now tell me your birthday."
"November 31st," I relented at last with a small smile.
He hmmed, rubbing the nape of his neck as he rummaged through his memory. "You're a Sagittarius..."
"Why am I not surprised you knew that off the top of your head," I snickered.
"...Gemini and Sagittarius are said to be of good compatability."
"...Really? Good, I guess." I sounded like an idiot, but I couldn't decide for the world how to interpret that. "I mean, we get along well enough. Score one for the charts, huh?" ...Idiots take to babbling.
He nodded numbly, still not catching my gaze. Our footsteps were loud in our ears.
"...So, what do you think of ..that?"
"Of what?" I asked dumbly.
"Of...well, us."
"Uhhh..." there was a severe moment of hesitation before I found my voice to reply. "You misunderstood, or I sent some sort of wrong signal, or something. I don't--"
"Yeah, I know," he interjected, reading my thoughts perfectly as he always managed to do. "You don't 'do things like that'. I'm not talking about 'doing' anything, or... changing much, if anything at all. I'm just talking about you.. and me.. and what, ah, ...we have together."
"What do we have together?..." The question must've seemed callous on his ears because he winced, now forced to defend his position. I listened closely, apologetic that I had hurt him with my bluntness, yet confused with a mounting tinge of anxiety within me. Everything I had known about him for the past few years was now taking a dramatic twist, and I didn't have a clue where it might land us.
"We have.. a long-standing friendship, which is more than I can say for a lot of people in this city. It jades people beyond belief to live up here like gods, but we've kept things in perspective, somehow. Sometimes I feel like you're the only one who's sick and tired of no one caring enough to be sick and tired anymore. We've managed to be there for each other, even though whatever demons surrounding this city keep trying to tear both of us apart at the seams. Working as a team, we managed to construct something out of nothing; Shin-Ra has it's own air force now, even though at times it didn't seem as if it would happen. We fought for it, we fought together. We mesh well together, we work well together, and you may deny it, but every time I remember feeling depressed about something, you knew what to say to pick me up. Now, I'm not saying we're perfect," he raised his voice before I could interrupt, "but ...damn it, I'm saying.. we have a chance for... something good here... and neither of us are ones to pass up opportunities. And fuck, don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like I'm something sick you found staining the street. I'm the same person you've known all this time; nothing more, nothing less."
By this time, we had both stopped walking. The streets were deserted. His eyes, electric-blue, were focused solely on me, digging into my soul, begging me, not for a positive answer, but just for resolve; for something to be settled at last. How long had he been waiting..? I heard the answer to my question in his tense voice, his body posture, everything - he was on the defense in a mad way. He knew what he was risking by speaking up. Despite the awkwardness, a part of me had enormous admiration for his courage.
"No, I'm ..I'm not, don't worry. I'm ...sorry, I just..." It was all a mess; I had no idea how to mend this. My mind was rebelling on me. I couldn't think straight to answer - not a yes, not a no; or could the situation really be boiled down to either? My thoughts were like molasses.
He rubbed his temple, frowning solemnly. "I don't want you to be sorry. I don't want anything from you except the truth."
Unfortunately, I found my words before I found my brain. "I'm just... not gay."
"Neither am I!" he shot back. "But that doesn't... I mean.. ...Ah, hell just forget I said anything," he muttered, his hands sinking into his pockets. I could almost see him crumbling in front of me in embarassment. I wanted to say something but bit my tongue instead, still wracking my mind for the right words to fix this mess.
"Forget it?..." I asked, incredulous.
"Yeah, forget it... if it's gonna affect our friendship, then-"
"No, no," I started, regaining some sense of what was actually going to happen if I didn't pull myself together. "I don't want to forget it I mean, I can't forget it. It's just, I ... well, fuck, I'm not used to thinking like that..."
"And you think I am...?" He managed a half-smile. It attempted to douse the tension between us and partially succeeded. It was still hard to think, but my heart no longer hammered in my chest like a drum.
"Hey, I just want an answer... something..." he said in the utmost quietest voice I had ever heard him use. Typically outspoken, now beaten down to a feather's whisper... what was I doing to him?
"I've... got a confession to make." The words tumbled out of my mouth before I knew what hit me. I could only cover my surprise with a sheepish smile. He looked at me curiously. "...I actually knew that Geminis and Sagittarius' made a good match..." I grinned half-heartedly. "I looked it up one night. I was bored."
A slow smile broke out on his face, wider than any he'd given in a long time. That hopeful glimmer in his eyes only proved to skyrocket the anxiety in me.
"But... I... don't know. I'm just not sure."
"Hey, I sort of understand." He hooked a thumb in his pocket, sideglanced me and took a few steps ahead. I watched, curious, slightly worried that he had taken my words as a sign of uncaring. "But... tell me. Is it because of you, your insecurity, or is it because of your father? And your father's father? Is that why you're holding yourself back? Because you're afraid of what they'd..."
The bitter taste of my dry tongue in my mouth numbed me as I looked off, watching everything but him. The lights, the sky, the stars (those which were still visible despite the glow of the city). Only when I heard his audible sigh and his footsteps walking away from me did I muster the courage to speak up.
"You know, losing that war tore me in half. It wasn't just me, either. My father was proud that my skills had benefitted Shin-Ra, but I knew it when he spoke about it, he was disappointed because I was a failure in the one thing that had always been... promised to me since birth, more or less. Painful lesson: promises can be broken. We all learn it... but, my name is more or less worthless now."
His voice came in a hush. "You're not worthless."
"Maybe not to you, but to my family. To my father and my grandfather, who died assuming I would be able to carry on what he started... Can't you understand? I can't give this other blow to my family! I can't make them lose any more faith in me." I caught myself, shaking my head, disgusted with the entire situation - my stupidity, the sudden tension between us - it was sickening, and for the world, I was scared. I didn't want to lose him. These problems were alien to me. "I didn't mean it like that-"
I didn't have to see his expression to see the scowl flickering on his face. "Maybe you just need to stop caring so much about what they think. We're all born our own persons, you know. We all have expectations cast on us before we're even conceived. It's not a sin to decline that fate."
"It's not that easy for me!" Anger slipped into my voice where I never intended it to be, but he was aggravating me. Why couldn't he understand? Why did I expect him to? He'd lived a completely different life. No one had expected anything from him growing up, he hadn't had the rigid rules applied to him like a rope around his neck.
"You think it's easy for me?.." he countered. "And what do you expect me to do about it? Just wait?... I'm sorry. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of seeing these women fuck around with you like you're a disposable commodity and you just taking it. You deserve better. So do I. I just... want an answer. I don't want to be the outsider anymore."
"I, ...god, I don't know. I'm sorry." I rubbed my hand over my eyes to clear them, feeling a tangible cloud of fatigue settling over me. "This is too much..."
"...Maybe it is," he admitted with the tiniest fragment of a smile. The anxiety in me diminished when he looked at me like that - so innocent, not childlike, but undeserving of the pain I was putting him through. My shoulders sagged as I watched him walk away. I didn't have it in me to stop him.
"Sorry for ruining your night. Just... tell me when you have my answer," he murmured, the last sound I heard from him other than his desolate footsteps on the dry cement. I watched him disappear, then turned, feeling nothing but the same sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I felt at my birthdays, with twice the weight of guilt on my shoulders.
What happened? I didn't see him for about two weeks. I took a nice, long leave from work to fight my way through the tangle of emotions before going back and confronting him. It's impossible to fathom for anyone on the outside, being in a position where you have to choose between your family and the one who understands you most, someone you've come to have affections for that was unspokenly tagged as "off-limits". No one can understand it truly unless they've been in the same position.
I admire him so much for not having those inhibitions... in many, many ways, I think he's much stronger than I could ever be.
I didn't leave the apartment for days. When I finally did, I took my time, walking down Shinra's streets around dawn before much of the city was awake. I dawdled along the way, watching the orange of the sky blend with the yellows, the bruised-purples, eventually the lightest shade of blue.
Silently coming across my destination, I timidly searched the streets for any sign of life, chided myself for my paranoia, and ducked into a small shop. I walked up to the woman behind the counter. She gave me a warm smile.
"Hello there. May I help you? You look a bit troubled... I assume you have a question?"
"Yes, actually," I smiled nervously back. "Romance..."
"I see... tell me your names?"
"Einstolf ..Heidegger... and Isaac Palmer. What does the future hold for us...?"
I'm still not sure about Fate, God, or if anyone can ever predict what lies ahead of us. I know my family never could have. What did I expect from the future? I'm not quite sure myself... Maybe I'll leave that one to "God" ...or whomever controls such things. The only thing I'm sure about now is that I'm trusting a reliable source; Isaac always knew what was best for me, even if I was blind to it.
Grandfather, be proud of me... I've finally won this war with myself.
Authours Notes: Many, many, many times I nearly fed this thing to the garbage disposal. Perhaps some of you are wishing I had; perhaps I'm wishing that, too, seeing as, time and again, the dialogue was idiotic enough to make a bullet long for my frontal lobe. But for better or worse, it survived, likely on account of my being repeatedly calmed out of a disgusted fit by soft, melodic tunes on Winamp. Thank you, Winamp, you faithful old chap. Cells were saved by your presence.
Despite it's many errors, I still have an affinity for this fic. I wrote it for a contest my mailing list was having on 'rarely written yaoi couplings', on the final day of entry. It took... 8/9 hours straight to complete, but I was happy to have it done. I don't particularly favour the pairing either, but since it's such a huge challenge to pull off, I leapt right in. Originality counts for a lot in the world of fan fiction. I hope you enjoyed it.
Feel free to offer comments anytime - AuroranFlash@jenovaproject.com. In the meantime, don't play in strangers and don't talk to the street.