Summary: Songfic to I'm Shakin' by Rooney: Edward is challenged by Alice to stay with Bella throughout the worst four days of the month: her period. Can he withstand the darker side of Bella, or will the hormones crack that impossible composure? Contains HP 5 spoilers. EXTROADINARILY long one – shot.
Hey everybody, this is Annabelle, the black side of the drops tone bffls. I wasn't even planning on posting this way too long one – shot, but all my friends told me too. It was really made for my own pleasure, so that makes me want to hear all of your guys' opinions even more! So review!
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its awesome characters, nor do I own the song I'm Shakin' by Rooney, or the fifth Harry Potter movie, or the Cotton – Eyed Joe, or Soulja Boy, or Low by FloRida, Mission Impossible theme, or anything else you recognize.
But I do own Midnight the Evil Kitten!
I'm Shakin'
EPOV
Moodily I sat at home in my room, listening to one of my many CDs. The reason? Angela Weber had decided to take my Bella from me for a sleepover. An evil concept, if I do say so myself. So, impatiently I waited for the night and morning to pass. I had currently made it to nine a.m. It was at this point that Alice decided to barge into my room.
(A/N: The thoughts are in italics, and the lyrics are in bold italics.)
Edward, could you unsulk for a minute and listen to me? She thought.
"Yeah, sure." I muttered.
You might wanna clear off on an extended hunting trip or something for the next four days or so.
"Why?" I demanded. It was cruel and unusual punishment enough that I couldn't see Bella for an entire sixteen hours and twenty-three minutes. Why four more days?
Well, you know. You don't want to be around her all the time, it makes the spark wear off. Besides, it would be better for Esme or me to stay with her for these next few days. She thought lamely.
"I want to be with her as much as possible! The spark in our relationship will NEVER wear off, and I honestly wish I could spend more than all the time together!" I said, annoyed. "And why would you or Esme be better company for her than me?"
She's going to be…sick.
"You're a horrible liar, Alice."
Just trust me, you don't want to be around.
"For goodness' sake, why not?" I cried, exasperated.
Fine! She snapped. Bella's getting the Curse. The Disease. Her Little Visitor.
"What?"
Her period, Edward.
"Oh. That's all?" I snorted. "It's not that big of a deal. I can handle it easily, it's only a bit of blood. And I do have two medical degrees, you know."
I wasn't talking about the blood. I'm talking about everything else. Both Esme and I put together can barely handle her.
I laughed. "You're kidding me, right? That's pathetic. It's only Bella." My Bella.
Oh, you think you can handle her? You're a guy. If we can hardly handle it, you'll die.
"How about a bet, then?" I challenged. "Five thousand dollars, on that I won't once leave Bella's side during those four days, unless under her command."
"You are so on." She spoke out loud for the first time, cackling wickedly as she sauntered out the door.
Immediately I went hunting, taking my time and filling myself much, much more than necessary. I wasn't taking any chances.
I picked up Bella at noon, and she seemed the same as usual. This one was in the bag.
I stroked Bella's peaceful face. It was about one in the morning, and she had just unconsciously proclaimed her love for me again.
"Oooh, how sweet," a voice said sneeringly.
Alice.
"What are you doing here?" I asked crossly.
"Just warning you that in precisely sixty-three seconds, it's going to start. Good luck, Edward. Hope to see you alive." She leaped out the window, cackling evilly again. That was becoming a habit of hers. The only image I caught before she sped off was my frightened face.
I frowned. Surely it wouldn't be so bad. Well, I would find out in 3…2…1.
I've forgotten what it feels like to feel normal
To be normal
Bella's face contorted; she looked like she was in intense pain. In one motion she rolled toward me and curled up into a ball against my body. Anxiously I rubbed her warm back. Was this it? I hated seeing my angel in pain, but Alice had made it seem like living through an atomic bomb.
"Edward," she moaned. Her heartbeat sped, signaling that she had awoken.
"I'm here, love, I'm here," I murmured.
After a few more hours in which she fell in and out of sleep, Bella got up at eight a.m. to the dull summer sun.
"I'm going downstairs to eat, come down when Charlie leaves." I nodded, and she beamed. She skipped downstairs, occasionally pausing to let her small body curl around another cramp.
"Hello, Dad," she said in an overly cheerful voice, sounding almost like Alice. Charlie's thoughts panicked as he saw another cramp shake through her.
Oh, God, she has her period, I have to get OUT…
"Bella, honey, I promised Billy Black that I would go on an extended fishing trip with him, so I'll see you in about four days!" I heard him hurriedly stuffing anything within reach into his briefcase.
"You mean you're LEAVING ME HERE?" Bella screeched suddenly, all Alice-like behavior completely gone.
"Y-yes, you see, I-I c-c-can't break my promise to B-Billy-"
"SO YOU LOVE BILLY MORE THAN ME?"
"N-n-no, I just-"
"WELL, IF YOU NEED TO SEE YOUR PRECIOUS BILLY SO MUCH, GO! I DON'T EVEN WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE! LEAVE!" She screamed. I heard her chair topple as she stood up forcefully.
What the hell was happening? Dear, sweet Bella never flew into fits like this!
"I-I l-l-love you! Bye!" Charlie ran. I heard a plate smash on the door where Charlie's head had been seconds before.
I heard Bella hit the floor and the loud sobs echo through the house. Immediately I rushed to her side.
"Bella, honey, what's the matter?" I asked, a little bit scared now.
"Nobody loves me." She sobbed into my chest.
"Shh, that's not true, I love you." What the hell? This whole ordeal was strange. "Esme, Carlisle, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie love you. And so does Charlie."
"But he loves Billy more." She shook in my arms. She couldn't possibly believe that, it was ridiculous…
"Of course not, he loves you."
"No, no, he loves Billy," she bawled. "I bet you he'll turn homo and leave me to marry Billy!" Her voice rose two octaves hysterically. What the crap?
Instead of voicing my thoughts, I rocked her back and forth until she stopped crying. She sat on the floor and sniffed pathetically as I gathered the remains of the plate she threw at Charlie's head.
When I walked into the kitchen, I found a note from Alice.
Edward –
I decided to have some mercy and give you a list of things not to do:
Don't let her watch movies, especially Harry Potter 5 or Bambi.
Do NOT say ANYTHING about ANY food she eats.
If she asks about her weight, say she's model – thin.
Don't play Barbies with her.
Don't let her have a "Queen for a Day to Help with Your Period."
When she asks for something, never say outrightly no.
Never tease her. At all. EVER.
Let her be violent and/or hit you, just make sure it doesn't hurt her.
NO scary movies.
Most important, NEVER EVER EVER say this one word: Peanuts.
Good luck.
- Alice
What in the world? A list? Of things not to do? I could handle ANYTHING Bella threw at me. And it was a weird list. Nobody in their right mind wouldn't be able to handle these things.
"Edward!" She called. She bounded into the room. "Let's watch Harry Potter 5!" She cried excitedly.
I was curious. This was something on the list.
So we sat down and popped in the DVD.
For the first hour and a half, nothing out of the ordinary happened, except for Bella's rather hysterical laughter. But then the climax came.
Bella clung to me so hard I could almost feel the pressure. But when Sirius Black died…
"SIRIUS! SIRIUS! Nooooooo!" she screamed. "HOW COULD SHE? The bitch! The bitch!" Bella clawed at the screen, at Bellatrix Lestrange's face. Well, this was odd.
"Edward, he's gone. He's dead. She killed him." She whimpered. She started crying loudly. What the hell?
"Bella, calm down. He's a fictional character. He isn't real."
Oh, NO. What have I done?
She leaped out of my arms, standing up and glaring at me viciously.
And I've forgotten what food tastes like
The way it tastes right
The taste buds taste right
"Fictional? FICTIONAL? HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU!" She flew into a rage more than five times as bad as Rosalie's. "SIRIUS BLACK is DEAD and you sit there and call him FICTIONAL! Like this is a JOKE! AAUGHH!" I jumped. Her attention had returned to the screen. "VOLDEMORT! Oh my GOD, he's noseless! AAUGHH! EDWARD!" And she flew back to me and hid her face. "He's scary…"
What the hell? (I seem to be saying that a lot lately)
Then, about two minutes later, during the climactic fight, she jumped up and exclaimed cheerfully, "I want chocolate."
"But Bella, honey," I protested as she skipped to the refridgerator. "You haven't finished your breakfast yet."
"It's only cereal, Edward," she giggled angelically, all traces of the mad creature gone.
"But it's not healthy, hon."
Suddenly she spun around and advanced on me.
"And just what are you insinuating?" She hissed.
Backing away, nervously I said, "Nothing, love. I just want to make sure you eat right."
"So you're saying I'm fat? That's what you're saying? I'm fat?" She growled quickly.
"N-no, I-I just – "
"YOU ASSHOLE!" She screamed. I flinched. " HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME! YOU LIAR! YOU ASS!"
Suddenly she dropped to her knees. "Oh, Lord," she moaned, lifting her eyes to the ceiling. "Why have you forsaken me? WHY?" She pounded on the floor and sobbed.
What. The. Hell.
Hesitantly I picked her up off the ground, and surprisingly she let me.
"Oh, Edward," She sighed. "I love you so, so much. You don't really think I'm fat, do you?" Quickly I assured her how much thinner she was than a model.
Immediately she was happy again, her beaming smile in an odd contrast with her heavily tearstained face.
"So, Edward, what do you want to do? Let's dance!" She cried, without waiting for my answer. "I have a CD of music to dance to!" I stayed still and silent, because 1) I refused to dance to whatever horrible music she will, and 2) I needed to be able to catch her when she fell.
To my immense surprise, the song for the Cotton-Eyed Joe came on. Even more surprisingly, she performed it flawlessly. Then, about halfway through the song, she went double the speed. About three fourths of the way through the song, she was Cotton-Eyed-Joe-ing to triple the song's beat. My head swiveled back and forth quickly, watching her jump and twirl and bounce across the room and back again. Shocked, I observed that she had made not one mistake yet, and she was moving almost as fast as I could. What the hell?
I wake up in so much spit and sweat
It is not normal
What is normal?
Finally, the song ended, and I blinked, still disbelieving. She ran up to me, eyes sparkling with excitement.
"That was fabulous! Oh, wait! I love this one!"
I waited, apprehensive. I didn't know what was next, but it couldn't be good. She walked back to the middle of the living room, bouncing on the balls of her feet.
A loud "Ahhhhhhhh," then –
"Soulja Boy off in this, OH!
Watch me crank it, watch me ROLL!
Watch me crank dat, Soulja Boy
Then Superman dat OH!"
During a lot of "Crank dat's", Bella jumped across the room on her toes, flicking her wrists. I watched her, astonished. The only time I saw this was when Emmett was laughing at it on TV…and Bella said she loved this one?
When that song was over, I was scared. Bella claimed the next song was her "favorite favorite favorite!" And I had a feeling it wasn't Claire de Lune.
This song started with some hip–hoppish, techno–like music that was vaguely familiar. I think Emmett might have played this one, too.
Wait, what if it was – I laughed. Absolutely not, it wouldn't be Bella's "favorite." I've got to be wrong.
The first voice sounded:
"Mmmmmmmm."
No. It couldn't be.
"Let me talk to 'em.
Let me talk to 'em."
This CAN'T be it. I glance at Bella, who looked like she was about to burst with excitement.
NO!
"Shawty had them Apple Bottom Jeans
Boots with the fur
The whole club was lookin' at her"
She wouldn't dance to this. She COULDN'T.
"She hit the flo'
Next thing you know,
Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low"
I felt my eyes widen and my jaw drop. I had NEVER seen ANYONE move like that, not even Rosalie.
And that was saying something.
The was Bella moved was so suggestive, it almost belonged around a pole. Her hips swayed in a way that would make the most respectable man have indecent fantasies, and I could do nothing but stare.
Dazed, I noticed her lips moving joyously as she started the song over. Why was she grabbing my arm? What was she telling me? Ooh, she was moving again. What is she doing?
Holy SHIT, is she GRINDING ON ME?
Snap out of it Edward, SNAP OUT OF IT EDWARD, no matter what she's doing, you need to FOCUS!
"Bella," my voice came out very rough. "Aren't you feeling tired? I don't want you to overexert yourself." I made sure to word that carefully so she wouldn't get angry.
"Okay, Edward," she said cheerfully. "Once this song ends." She turned around and danced against my front. My breath caught and I prayed for the song's end.
When she finally went upstairs, I dropped down into a kitchen chair with my head in my hands.
"Give up yet?"
I looked up and spied Alice. Her smug expression took in my wild one. I tried to shift it to one of bravery.
"Of course not. She wasn't that bad."
Alice smirked, practically smelling my feeble lie. "Good, because she's barely started. Poor you. And it's only noon." A truly evil smile lit her face, and she was gone before I could see what was to come.
"Ed-WARD!" Bella shrieked from upstairs. "I just got the most fabulous idea ever! Get up here!" I sighed.
I ran up the stairs to find Bella to find Bella dressed in a black tank top, black leggings, and black boots. What the…?
"We're gonna be spies!" She cried, tossing me a walkie-talkie. "Now run home, change into some black clothes, and come back."
"But – "
"I'll tell you our mission when you get back."
"But I – "
"GO! FastfastfastfastFAST!"
I groaned and exited through the window. As I ran, I couldn't help wondering, 'Is this normal?'
I passed Alice on the way to my room. She smirked at me.
"Shut up," I muttered.
Once I returned to Bella's house, (in all black, unfortunately,) she sat me down on the bed, and began to tell me of our "mission."
"All right. We'll communicate through walkie-talkies, and I will use the binoculars, since you don't need them 'cause of your über-eyesight." I nodded, resigned to my fate. "Okay, listen. Destination: the home of Jessica Stanley. Task: capture the black kitten called Midnight. Why? Because it is evil, evil kitten, hence its blackness."
Whoa. Wait. Pause. Rewind…stop. She wanted us to steal a kitten? "But…why do we need to get the kitten?"
"Weren't you listening? It's an evil kitten! Jess told me about the trouble it makes! Spilling milk and drinking it, destroying socks…This kitten could conquer us all! And besides, I want it."
What the hell? There was no way I was going to help Bella steal a kitten from Jessica Stanley. NO. WAY.
Bella seemed to sense my reluctance, and a surprisingly evil expression overtook her face.
"Of course, if you're not up to my mission, you can always be my kitten."
Within two minutes, we were perched in two different trees outside Jessica's home.
"Edward? Do you read me? Over." Bella's voice crackled out of my walkie-talkie.
"Roger." I grumbled. Well, better this foolishness than having to be a kitten.
"All right. I'm in the backyard, on the highest invisible branch of their oak tree." How the hell did she get up there? She's supposed to be clumsy! "I see the litter of kittens. I need you to join me, here. MAKE SURE YOU ARE NOT SEEN. Over."
I sighed and ran over to her tree at vampire speed. Good Lord, she really was on the highest unseen branch. I joined her.
"SHH!" She shushed me violently, even though I had made no sound. "Okay. See the completely black kitten?" I nodded. "That is Midnight, the evil kitten. We must capture her." Bella put the binoculars up to her face, quietly humming the Mission Impossible theme. "Quiet, here comes Jess." She cackled softly, menacingly, sounding suddenly like Alice. "Jessica, you bitch, you will pay dearly if you underestimate me. Claiming Midnight might just be your worst offense, however. But it won't go without consequence." She laughed evilly again. I was beginning to wonder if she was mentally sound.
For an entire hour, we watched Jessica tend to the kittens. Every time she touched Midnight, Bella would growl possessively. After Jessica finally left, Bella turned to me.
"All right, Edward. Since you have vamp-speed, you rescue Midnight." I noticed that it had changed from 'capture' to 'rescue.' "Then meet me behind this tree."
"And where will you be?"
"I have a little something I need to do."
I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I don't want to know. I repeated to myself as I fetched the kitten.
I stood behind the tree, waiting for Bella, and feeling utterly ludicrous. She arrived with a much-too-satisfied-to-be-innocent smirk on her face.
"Edward, it would be best if we ran right now."
"Bella, what –"
Suddenly I heard several small explosions, as well as several shrieks from Jessica's room on the top floor.
That was pretty much my cue to grab Bella and get the hell out of there.
When I returned to Bella's house, I sat Bella on her bed, pinched the bridge of my nose, and began to pace. She sat there looking deceptively innocent, holding the kitten.
Why hadn't I gone with her? I thought. She better not end up in jail because of this.
"Bella." I said. "What, exactly, did you do?"
She chuckled. Not a good sign. "Just some minor liquid explosives."
"WHAT?"
"You'd be amazed at what you can make with the average cleaning fluids."
"Isabella Marie Swan –"
"Oh, fine," she pouted, nuzzling Midnight. "I happened to mix some liquids with some liquids, bring the vials to Jessica's house, empty her lipstick, lip gloss, and mascara tubes, fill the tubes with said liquids, then pump them full with pressurized air from the bicycle pump in her room, so when opened, they would cause a minor explosion. Perfectly harmless. The price for her vanity." She cackled again.
Remind me to never anger Bella. Ever.
Her attention had returned to Midnight. She rubbed noses with it and spoke to it in a baby voice.
"Midnight didn't wike it at Jessica's house, did she? No she didn't! No she didn't! Because Midnight wuvs Bella, doesn't she? Yes she does! Midnight doesn't wike Jessica with her burnt face, does she? No she doesn't! No she doesn't!" Bella giggled in triumph.
Slowly, as I watched Bella coo over her trophy of a kitten and revel in her success of blackening Jessica's face, the sheer insanity of the situation sank in.
Within seconds I was rolling on the floor laughing as Bella watched me in alarm. My hysterical gasps filled the room, while Bella simply shrugged and resumed her play with the kitten.
At four, she went on the computer and emailed Renée, and cleared out her inbox. At five she pulled me downstairs, claiming she was hungry.
For the last two hours, she had been acting calm, if rather childlike. So, of course, just as I was letting my guard down –
"Edward, what should I make for dinner?" She asked sweetly.
"Um…"
"I'll make a layer cake!" She cried, delighted at the prospect.
"Bella, dear, shouldn't you eat something healthier for dinner?"
SHIT! I thought as her expression turned murderous. Why don't you just tell her she's fat, Edward? I internally smacked myself.
"I thought. You said. I was. SKINNY!" She screamed. "YOU BASTARD!" She advanced upon me, a butcher knife in hand. I stepped back. "IF YOU LOVED ME YOU WOULDN'T CALL ME FAT! BUT YOU WERE LYING WHEN YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME, WEREN'T YOU? BECAUSE OTHERWISE YOU WOULDN'T CALL ME FAT! IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME, WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE? GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU FILTHY LIAR!" Suddenly she hurled the knife at me. I dodged, not wanting to shatter the knife, and it lodged itself into the wall, handle quivering.
She then sank to the floor and began to bawl.
Cautiously I made my way over to her, and began to stroke her hair. Immediately she turned to me and let me soothe her. Once I had again convinced her of how thin I thought she was, she smiled and kissed me.
She then returned to her cheerful, childlike state. She skipped around the room, gathering ingredients for the layer cake, occasionally singing. Personally, I was exhausted and pushed into a stage of constant fear. I stayed seated and involuntarily jumped at small noises.
I observed Bella as she gathered the ingredients, gave Midnight some tuna from the fridge and then made the cat my responsibility, get covered in flour, take a shower, and finally begin to bake the damn thing.
When she took it out of the oven a while later, she skillfully decorated it with frosting. She then stepped to my side and shrieked in delight. I jumped.
"Oooh, doesn't it look perfect Edward? I do love it so – OH!" I jumped again as she clapped her hands. "We should have a tea party!" WHAT? "Oh, it'll be simply lovely! Run home and change into something nice, Edward, while I make tea."
I couldn't help but plead this time. "Please, Bella, love, couldn't you just simply have some cake? I'm sure it's just as good without the tea party."
Instead of going all atomic bomb on me, her eyes filled with tears. Her lips trembled and she looked so let down and innocent I found myself comforting her.
As I ran to my house, I muttered to myself, "How do I get myself into these things?"
Alice was leaning against the kitchen doorframe when I arrived. She smiled triumphantly as she took in my emotionally bedraggled state.
"Well, look who it is," She commented coolly. "Mr. It's–Only–Bella. I know why you're here, and I bought just the thing for it." She handed me two covered hangers. The first was a pink and cream, lacy dress that was obviously for Bella.
"Yours matches." Her grin was malevolent. Apprehensively I peeked at the second hanger.
Oh. My. God.
I didn't even think they made these. Surely Bella won't make me wear it. I thought desperately as I ran back to her house with the dress and the horror.
I unzipped them in her room and cringed at her squealing enthusiasm for both. Sure, she would look adorable, but what about me?
"But Bella, honey," I breathed. "You don't want me to wear it?"
"Of course I do, Edward! We'll match!"
I gave up all false pretenses. "Please don't make me wear it, Bella, please!"
Ignoring my protests, she shoved me and the horror into her bathroom with a steely glint in her eye.
"I'll meet you downstairs."
So it was ten minutes later that I sat at her table in a pink (I grinded my teeth together) suit, with a cream, lacy (I grinded my teeth) shirt. To top that, I had a lacy (grind, grind, grind) handkerchief in my pocket, printed with hearts (grind, grind, GRIND, GRIND).
Oh, and did I mention the friggin top hat? Yes, there was a TOP HAT. WITH A RIBBON ON IT. A FRIGGIN RIBBON!
Bella looked like she was on Cloud Nine, too adorable for words in her dress and gloves (very old-fashioned, I should know). She poured tea for her and I in a porcelain tea set I didn't even know she had. She had set the table with a lacy tablecloth, (like my shirt, GRIND, GRIND, GRIND, GRIND) the tea set, dainty utensils, a platter for the cake, and (of course) a little saucer of milk for Midnight.
"So, how's life been treating you, Mr. Cullen?" She asked in a British accent.
I knew better than not play along. "Quite well, Miss Swan. And you?"
"Fair, as well. Is my tea to your liking?"
"Of course, Miss Swan."
"Then why aren't you drinking?" She asked pointedly, looking ferocious.
Reluctantly I raised the teacup to my lips. I have never been less than a man than right now, I thought, in my pink suit and top hat (GRIND, GRIND, GRIND, GRIND), drinking tea out of rose – covered porcelain. I resisted the urge to gag.
Bella was pleased when I drank. I changed the subject so I wouldn't have to drink again.
"Lovely weather we've been having," I commented, despite the fact that it was around ten 'o 'clock at night.
"Rather dark," She said airily, now cutting us each generous slices of cake. I suppressed a laugh.
She plopped the cake on to my plate. "Eat, deary, you're dreadfully thin." Her tone suggested no compromise.
I sighed. No doubt it was a finely made cake, the lightest angel food with creamy, sweet frosting in delicate patterns. Simply delectable. TO HUMANS.
"Why, it's much too pretty to eat," I attempted.
"One bite wouldn't harm the outside, there's a dear," she pursed her lips, daring me to disobey.
Quickly I brought the cake to my lips and swallowed, repressing a grimace.
"Lovely," I choked. "Absolutely delicious."
Miserably I listened to Bella babble cheerfully for the next hour. I repeated to myself like a mantra, "Five thousand dollars, five thousand dollars, five thousand dollars…"
Finally she began clearing up the tea party, but something was definitely off.
Oh, NO.
Why did I let her have two slices of cake, WHY? NEVER in my 107 years of existence had I seen ANYONE that hyper.
"'vegotanidealet'splaySurvivor!"
I simply stared at her, astonished as she spoke almost at vampire speed while leaping about on the living room furniture.
"ComeonEdwardyoucan'ttouchthefloorinSurvivor!" She screeched. I winced. I didn't even know I could get headaches, but I sure as hell had one now. I flopped on the couch, wistfully wishing I could sleep.
"Bella," I called, and my voice even sounded tired to me. "Why don't we go upstairs now? It's almost midnight."
At this she began to laugh hysterically. "Midnight! JustlikeMidnightthekitten! GetitEdward? Getit?" Her insane giggles filled the room as she jumped up and down on the loveseat.
That's it, I thought. At vampire speed, I sprang at her, grabbing her around the waist, and carrying her upstairs.
She settled for jumping relentlessly on her bed. I rocked back and forth in her rocking chair slowly. Five thousand dollars, five thousand dollars, five thousand dollars…
After about 45 minutes, she screamed,
"'-"
Suddenly she collapsed.
"WHOA!" I yelled and caught her just before she hit the ground. When I looked her over, I found she was sound asleep.
I felt like crying with relief.
I go to bed
When I wake up
After cleaning all
All the spit and sweat
I laughed weakly and fell back onto her bed, finally, finally, finally…
Now…only three more days to go.
I fell to the floor, gripping my hair and moaning. How would I make it? I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown after barely 17 hours!
From downstairs, I heard a strange, adolescent, hacking noise. In my half–mad state, I snickered, thinking, It sounds like a baby coughing up a hairball.
Oh, crap.
Racing down the stairs, I managed to get the kitten outside before it ruined the carpet. Then I deposited it in the bathroom for the night.
Shuddering at the cat saliva on my hands, I washed in the kitchen sink. Afterwards, I turned around, and jumped at the sight of Alice. Usually I would have heard her coming.
"Honestly, I'm surprised you've lasted this long. But then again, you're a mess…" She laughed cruelly.
This time, I skipped the casualties, giving her the middle finger as I walked back up to Bella's room.
The night passed too quickly for my liking. It was the first in an absurdly long time that Bella spoke rationally: in her sleep.
But when she awoke at nine 'o'clock, it seemed that some of her behavior from last night had rolled over.
"Good morning, Edward!" She cried, throwing her arms around me. I smiled feebly. "Edward! Why aren't you wearing your suit?" No, no, no, no, don't make me, I'd rather be a freaking spy again…"Put it on!"
Why me?
When I returned, she was wearing a neat little skirt and my favorite blue shirt. Why was she allowed to wear normal things?
"Good, Edward, you're back!" She chirped, ignoring my miserable expression. "We'll be going shopping today, so I'm going to make you pretty!"
It was then I realized what was in her hands.
"No," I said, backing into the wall. "NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. There is NO WAY in HELL…"
"I was hoping it wouldn't come to this…" she sighed a long–suffering sigh, and began to unbutton her shirt.
What the…?
She wrapped her arms around my neck. Briefly I was brought back to that time when she had toyed with me after coming out of the shower (A/N: for all of you who have read Temptation!) but I was too distracted by what was in front of my face.
She cocked her head to the side and smirkingly adjusted her bra.
"Sit down on the bed, Edward." Dazed, I did so with no effort on her part.
She worked in front of me so I wouldn't regain any mental coherency. After an hour, she pulled back, her hands on her hips, curling iron in one, comb in the other.
"Perfect!"
Now I'm, now I'm, sha-sha-shakin', sha-sha-shakin', I'm
Sha-sha-shakin, sha-sha-shakin, I'm
Sha-sha-shakin, sha-sha-shakin now
She buttoned up her shirt and let me out.
My scream shook the house.
I took in my appearance in her hall mirror. My hair was curled at the ends, in pigtails, and adorned with a pink Hello Kitty headband. Oh, and did I forget to mention the MASCARA, LIP GLOSS, AND FREAKING BLUSH?
Luckily I could wipe the last three away, giving me colorful hands and that classy raccoon-eyed look. But to my horror, the hair accessories (GRIND, GRIND, GRIND, GRIND,) wouldn't come off.
Breathing heavily, I stared at Bella, terrified, as she sashayed down the hall. She smiled at me cheerfully. "You'd be amazed at what you can do with the average cleaning fluids." She kissed me. "You look adorable. Now come on, we've got errands to run."
I tossed and turned all night
'cause I was looking for an ending
This was so because I watched all day
The neverending story, with Atreyu
I trembled with misery in my own car after Bella claimed the right to drive. She was currently blasting Gwen Stefani's first album and singing along.
I recalled the peace of last night, during which I tore through Alice's bet, looking for a loophole. It was all a hopeless attempt, of course, but after watching the neverending horror movie that was the WAY-too-hormonal Bella, I was desperate.
So, it was now, during my prayer that nobody I knew would see me, I almost cried as I turned to the next 24 hours of torture.
The next day came, but not a beam of light
Because the blinds were shut
Sha-sha-sha-shut so tight
I didn't even know where we were going, but it couldn't be good, because Bella's period was nowhere near done.
We pulled up at a costume shop. Sure, this was an extremely good costume shop, (not to mention expensive,) but why were we here?
Timidly I asked her, "Bella, love, why are we here?"
Slowly she turned to me. I shrank back into my seat. "I don't know, Edward," she said in a deadly voice. "Why are we here?" She cackled, drew out Charlie's credit card like a sword, and charged through the front doors. Warily I followed.
As I entered, she tossed me a cart.
"Fill this with every wig and feather boa you can find."
"What-"
"Do it." Her eyes flashed dangerously, and I sped off, skulking around in the hopes of being overlooked.
When I saw her again, she beckoned to me from the checkout. She squealed when she saw I had followed her orders exactly, and kissed me. She was about to hand in Charlie's card when instinct took the better of me and I quickly said, "Bella, let me check out for you while you…look in their catalogue!" I shoved it into her hands. She beamed at me, handed me the credit card, and danced off to the car.
Slyly I paid with my card instead, ignoring the cashier's stare at my hair and face. I could practically see Charlie's heart attack if he got that bill.
During this whole excursion, I resisted the urge to stomp on my own head and scream, "WHY THE HELL AM I EVEN DOING THIS?"
Five thousand dollars, five thousand dollars, five thousand dollars…
Our next stop was the pet shop. She needed things for Midnight. I wasn't sure how we would fit anything else in my poor car, because it looked like in addition to what I was assigned to find at the costume shop, Bella had retrieved every female costume in her size.
I used the same credit-card swap trick, and tried to swallow my immense mortification at my appearance. Bella purchased all the highest quality items for her stolen kitten.
Almost crying with relief from escaping everyone's gawking, we drove to her last destination: the grocery.
Bella had been calm for the last stop, almost normal, but a bit on the childlike side. The grocery would undoubtedly be easiest stop, a relief. She gave me the list she had made last week, assuring me that she had memorized it, but to tell her if she missed anything.
I skulked behind her with the cart, avoiding the eyes of all we passed. It wasn't a long list, luckily.
She leaned against the cart in the dairy isle after picking up the milk.
"So, did I miss anything?" She smiled softly.
I smiled back. "Just one."
"What?"
"The peanuts."
Slowly she turned to me, pure rage written on her face.
Oh, no.
Oh, NO.
OH, NO.
FLASHBACK
10. Most important, NEVER EVER EVER say this one word: Peanuts.
END FLASHBACK
"You."
Her voice was throaty, harsh.
"You. BASTARD!"
I flinched visibly.
She grabbed the color of my shirt, under the suit, and pulled my face to hers. "Check these things out. I'll deal with you in the car." She released me and stormed off.
Now everyone was staring.
I fell out of bed laced with spit sweat It made me very cold, it made me very cold Now I'm, now I'm sha-sha-shakin, sha-sha-shakin, I'm Sha-sha-shakin, sha-sha-shakin I'm
Sha-sha-shakin, sha-sha-shakin, I'm
Sha-sha-shakin, sha-sha-shakin now
Cold and shaking with fear, I trudged back to the car with the bags. I took my time stuffing them in the back seat, and slowly sat in the passenger seat.
She rubbed her temples as I entered. "Edward," I winced. "The reason peanuts are a forbidden subject-" she wasn't going to yell? Was I off the hook? "-is because of an incident that happened when I was a little girl. This is really strange, but I'd always liked the smell of peanut butter. One day, a bit before Christmas, Renee was holding a party. I was three years old. She put out a bowl of fresh peanuts, among other snacks. Excited, I grabbed one. Then, in front of all the guests, I sniffed the peanut, and it went right up my nose. Far back. Hurt like hell. Nothing we did could get it out, and in the end, I went to the hospital. They put a huge suction thing on my face, the scariest thing in the world. I've never eaten another peanut since."
Amazed at my luck, and the story, I did the worst possible thing.
I laughed.
I laughed long and hard, taking no notice of Bella's slowly darkening face. We were home when I finally stopped laughing. She ordered me in a barely composed voice,
"Bring the bags inside."
I'm supposed to feel better,
I should feel lucky, I thought, as I watched Bella storm into the house. But why do I feel so…uneasy?
I brought bags inside, and leaned against the living room. I peered out the window, wondering where Bella was.
Fear, icy and slicing, began to overtake me. A dark figure was gradually revealed as the garage door lifted creakingly.
It walked, dragging something heavy…was that Bella?…Why was she going to my car?…Was that…it couldn't be…a SLEDGEHAMMER?
She wouldn't.
She turned and smirked at me like she knew I was there the whole time.
Paralyzed, I watched as she raised it to about hip level, …
With one long, horizontal swing, my car was…
I screamed for the second time that day.
She was on top of it now, like a goddess, with the sledgehammer raised above her head.
She then proceeded to beat the crap out of what was left of my car. I pounded on the window until it broke, the grass trembling and shattering, similar to my sanity; I screamed how sorry I was and begged for her to stop.
But it was hopeless.
This nightmare is supposed to end
To my horror, I watched her turn to me with a menacing, frightening grin on her face. Panting heavily, she trudged into the house, and–
Downed 3 Red Bulls?
What–
She was smarter than I presumed–the Red Bulls' caffeine had given her insane strength and speed. Hoisting the sledgehammer over her shoulder as though it was made of cardboard, she sauntered over to my frozen form, hips swaying. She bent her face to mine, her lips barely brushing my ear, somehow impossibly desirable even in her most dangerous moment.
"By the time I'm finished with you, you won't have a dick."
I was gone.
Poof! Gone.
I hadn't forgotten the bet. I hid in the downstairs coat closet, trying not to breath too loudly. I shook with fear. I couldn't believe it, she was going to smash my manhood, any physical restraint could result in disaster, what to do?
"Edward," she purred dangerously. "You can't hide from me. I always know where you are."
Suddenly the door opened, spilling light marred by her shadow on me. She laughed, sounding again like Alice, but scarier. Missing me by mere inches, I scrambled around her, shooting up the stairs, screaming bloody murder.
Trembling, I slid into the shower of her bathroom. I couldn't go near her, she would…I panted heavily, sitting in the tub and biting my nails, something I hadn't done since I was human.
I screamed in terror as she ripped open the shower curtain.
Almost immediately I disappeared under the bed. When would she calm down? Would she calm down? I whimpered.
If God still liked me, please let it be enough to save me from this hell!
"Come out from under the bed, Edward."
HOW DOES SHE ALWAYS FIND ME?
Suddenly I was whisked from beneath the bed. How she did it, I will never know. She sat on my chest quite daintily for someone after a guy's dick. (No pun intended) "Now, Edward," she examined her nails. "If you're a good boy, I'll make this quick and neat. If you're bad-" she suddenly pressed the sledgehammer's handle into my neck, "–it'll be your responsibility to clean up the splatters of penis on my rug."
She laughed and slowly raised the hammer.
I am holding on
I was out of there faster than you could say, "Five thousand dollars."
I am holding on
I stumbled and tripped as I raced through the forest, mental coherency lost, screaming the whole way.
I am holding on
Gasping for breath, I broke down the back door. Was she following me? Oh my GOD, was she following me? The thought sent fresh screams bursting through my throat as I slammed the door back in place.
I am holding ON!
'Alice!" I sobbed with relief at the sight of her. "Alice, I'll give you anything you want – anything – just help me, help me, she's after me!" I clawed at her shirt, hysterical with a bizarre mix of choking fear and intense relief.
Sha-sha-shakin, sha-sha-shakin, I'm
Sha-sha-shakin, sha-sha-shakin, I'm
Sha-sha-shakin, sha-sha-shakin, I'm
Sha-sha-shakin, sha-sha-shakin, now
Alice patted my head. "Shh, it's all right, Edward," she soothed. "I'll take Bella off your hands,"
"Alice, Alice," I moaned. "Thank you, thank you, you're the best sister in the world, I love you, I love you so much, thank you,"
Dimly I realized that everyone had joined us in the room.
"Edward, what – what are you wearing? Why, you're covered in dirt and branches and – what happened to your hair?" Esme cried in horror.
"Carlisle," Jasper said quietly, "You should bring Edward to his room. He's got large waves of hysteria rolling off him." Carlisle nodded.
As he supported me through the door, I called to Alice and Esme worshipfully, "I don't know how you do it every month, but good luck! YOU'RE MY HEROES!" I broke down again as Carlisle led me to my room. My last thought before I completely cleared my mind was,
I need to change her soon.
Six Months Later
It was nearing Christmas. Esme was feeling festive, and decided to throw a small party for everyone in town.
We were all adjusting to Bella being changed. But things were going well. She was much more resistant than most newborns, and we were all proud of her.
It would be a small get-together, with Bella's high school friends. Everyone arrived bearing presents. I had a good time with Bella, greeting our old acquaintances.
"Appetizers in the dining room!" Esme called from the kitchen.
We joined the guests in the dining room, holding hands. Esme did a lovely job. We beamed at everyone's reactions. The table looked wonderful, covered with holly, poinsettas, and small Christmas trees. There was a wide array of appetizers: finger sandwiches, crackers, cheese, salad, garlic bread, mozzarella sticks, lady fingers, walnuts, almonds, berries, and…
Peanuts.
I only caught a glimpse of her murderous face, because I was out of there faster than you could say, "Five thousand dollars."
So, whadja think? Review and tell me! I've decided to make the songfics I'm writing a series, named I have no idea what. Suggestions?
Hey, I'm not going to be picky, flames are friggin welcome. We could all use a hit on our self-esteem
Anywho, so if you loved it, hated it, want more, want my untimely demise, tell me all about it in a review, and I might just thank you in my next songfic! (There'll be a lot of 'em ;) )
Love you all to pieces! Stay tuned for the next one, "Serious," by Gwen Stefani!