(Disclaimer: I do not own or claim to own any of the following properties: Mass Effect, Dragon Age or The Old Republic. All of the above titles are licensed to the Bioware Corporation. Support the official releases if you wish. It's not like you're going to need that money for food or anything. Also, any references to real life persons are purely for poking fun at. I mean no actual harm, just light teasing.)
"Alright," Hawke said. "You know the drill. When I call out your name, your theme song will play until you state you are present. Anders?"
"Help me believe it's not the real me. Somebody help me tame this Animal I have become."
"Here" Anders said.
"Fenris?"
"Craaaawling in my skiiiin… These wounds they will not heaaaaaal…."
"Here" Fenris said.
"Merrill?"
"wup, wup, wup wup wuppa Gangnam style"
"Oops! Here"
"Alright, let's go." Hawke said.
Mass Effect 3: The Ending that Needed to be Parodied
(A/N: This is not a full-fledged fanfiction. This is just a collection of one off jokes and references that I thought up on the top of my head. Because I'm lazy like that. Just like Bioware.)
"References?" Shepard said. "Wouldn't that completely date the product and make it stuck in its own time and limit the classic appeal?"
(Bioware: Classic appeal? Who needs that? It's not like we'll fall out of favor with our fans!)
Suddenly, from the wreck emerged Dr. Eva's body. The Cerberus scientist was, in fact, a robot! Yes, and it tackled and strangled Ashley Williams and threw her like a rag doll.
Fortunately, Shepard used his new found slow-mo powers to kill the robot in 3 shots.
Vega emerged from the vehicle.
"Mr. Vega, Ashley's hurt. Wait… you do realize that the shuttle has weapons, right?"
Vega turned to the shuttle, only to see the rocket launchers attached.
"Whoops."
Shepard awoke to find himself in the middle of a burnt forest. In that forest, he finds the small child with the grey hoodie. Shepard, naturally, gives chase but cannot catch up despite being in the military and in some of the best shape a human being can obtain. But it's not like any of that is important.
Shepard tripped, being unable to see through the dimmed lights.
"Wow, I heard this game was going to be darker, but this is ridiculous!"
(Rim shot.)
"Thank you, Joker!" Shepard said.
"Anytime, Commander…"
"Hi, I'm James Vega. I'll be the token military jarhead and Latino in this game. Tequila."
"Tequila?" Shepard repeated.
"Oh, as the token Latino companion of this game, I have to randomly insert references that show that I clearly am of Latino descent.
Shepard turned around.
"Hi, I'm Steve Cortez. I'll be the shuttle pilot as well as token Latino gay romancable companion in this game. Tequila."
Shepard turned again, only to find a woman.
"Hi, I'm Samantha Traynor. I'll be the Specialist and token English lesbian romancable companion in this game. Tequila."
"I thought you were English…" Shepard repeated.
Samantha turned to the script. "Oh, my mistake. Worcester sauce."
Meeting with the Council…
"I'm sorry. But with the Reapers attacking all of our worlds, we cannot afford to divert forces to Earth." The Asari counselor said.
"Wait, I saved you guys in the first game. Doesn't that at least warrant some consideration on your part?"
"Check a load of this guy," The Turian councilor said. "Thinking that his previous choices would 'effect' the game in some 'massively' important way."
"Hmm…" Shepard groaned.
The Citadel: Refugee Camp…
"Kelly?" Shepard said, when he found the redhead standing outside a cargo container.
"Commander Shepard?" She exclaimed only to run back itno the cargo container and throw out a placemat.
There's no Place like Home
"Kelly, I'm glad you're safe. Wouldn't you rather be on the Normandy, though?"
The redhead sighed. "Oh no! I've been far too traumatized and victimized that I can only do one thing: stay here and write friend-fiction about my devastating time with the Collectors!"
"You write friend-fiction?" Shepard shuddered.
"Yep, and people say I write the best slash fiction they've ever read!"
"Kelly, Cerberus is after you. Make sure you change your name to stay safe."
"But-"
Shepard glared at her. "Don't make me tell people about your Scale-itch…"
"Yes, sir!"
Kasumi-chan's Return!
Beware of Shepard's off-screen violence!
"Oh ho! The Reapers and the Enkindlers work together. Thus, it is infallible logic that I help them any way possible." The hanar preacher said.
"You… big… stupid… jellyfish!" Shepard cried out.
Everyone was silent at this.
"Oh come on!" Shepard said. However, the armed guard aimed his pistol at the Salarian Agent.
"Shepard-san! Help Spectre-san while I jump to the rescue! Hacking no Jutsu!"
Shepard nodded his head and declared his attack. "Off-screen violence attack…. No justu!"
Shepard quickly disabled the resistance while Kasumi successfully stopped the virus.
"Arigatou, Shepard-sa- Wait! There is a failsafe! Watch out for explo-"
The computer exploded (because apparently failsafes explode when you stop a virus) and slowly Kasumi cloaked into nothingness.
"She sacrificed herself to save a galaxy. She was truly honorable. Welp, I'm leaving." The Salarian said. Shepard rolled his eyes.
"You can come out now.."
Kasumi nodded, as she de-cloaked.
"This was fun, Shepard-san. Let's not do this again."
"Kasumi…" Shepard said in an irritated voice.
"Oh, alright! I'll try to give some data to the Crucible techs. But any Madoka merchandise is mine!"
"Dammit, Mr. Vega! This game has elements of an RPG in it. Do you even know what that stands for?"
"Umm… Rocket Propelled Grenade?"
Shepard paused. "Eh, close enough."
Grissom Academy…
With the Atlas Shrugged Mech defeated, Shepard found the ex-convict descend from the staircase. Immediately, she caught him with a right hook.
"That was for leaving, dumbass." She whispered.
Jack then grabbed Shepard by the collar and presumed to suck his face, in front of all her students.
"You just punched me, insulted me and then kissed me. I've missed you, babe!" Shepard cried.
"Jack, why haven't you friended me on TOR?"
"Shepard, for the last time, I don't play the Old Republic."
"But, it's free to play now!"
"After only 11 months of buggy gameplay, awful customer support, ugly graphics, stupid, cliché storylines, broken PVP, no endgame content, linear conversation trees-"
One hour later…
"And let's not forget what they did to Revan. That's why I don't play the fucking Old Republic!"
Shepard paused for a moment.
"Is this because I married Ashara? I told you that wasn't real…"
"Shepard, you are so goddamn stupid. Thank god for that ass."
Purgatory Night Club…
"So, what of you think about me and EDI?" Joker said, sincere in his question.
"Joker, you have brittle bones. She's a metal woman."
"I don't follow."
"Broken bones. Metal woman. Broken bones. Metal woman."
"Alright. If you think it's that bad."
Shepard rolled his eyes.
"Well, I suppose these could be our final days. Go for it, but don't say I didn't warn you."
"Thanks, Commander. You know I've always got your back, right? Unless there's some unforeseen attack on a planet and you get stuck solo in some weird turn of events and I have to leave in order to escape some sort of galaxy-wide blast."
"Yeah, but what are the chances of that happening?" Shepard said.
"I know, right?"
Joker and Shepard slowly cock their heads facing the camera.
Presidium Café…
"Ashley Williams," Shepard began.
"You are a young, beautiful woman and damn fine soldier. No matter what 4chan, Reddit, the Bioware Social Network, Electronic Arts, Casey Hudson, Mac Walters, anyone with common sense…"
"Okay, I get it." Ashley said.
"I think any man would consider himself lucky to have you as a lover."
The Lt. Commander sighed. "But, there's someone else, isn't there?"
Shepard closed his eyes and could only see the biotic teacher before him.
"Yeah."
"Go get 'em, Commander."
Shepard rose up and gave Ashley a single kiss on her forehead.
"Ash… We'll"
"Wait, lemme guess. We'll always have Space Mountain?"
"No. We'll always have Ilos."
Purgatory Night Club…
"You know…" Steve Cortez began. "You're a really good friend, Shepard."
"You too, Steve."
"Care to join me in a dance?" Cortez said.
(A/N: Hi, I'm chapellefan. I'm here to tell you that all forms of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual and even alien love is beautiful and should be celebrated for its diversity. I will, however, mock the shit on this next scene.)
The next moment, Shepard found himself dancing to hypnotic rhythms and colorful, seizure inducing lights.
"I wanna take you to a gay bar,
I wanna take you to a gay bar,
I wanna take you to a gay bar, gay bar, gay bar"
"Oh dear…" Shepard said.
"Shepard?" Jacob said, looking up.
"Jacob? Hey, guys look! It's Jacob!"
Garrus and Tali stared blankly. "Who?"
"Tali, you remember Jacob. He led the firing squad while you were in the vents."
"Umm…" The Quarian scratched her head.
Shepard sighed. "He's Felix Iresso for Mass Effect."
"Oh!" The two of them said.
"I heard he likes trophies!" Tali remarked.
"Will you sign my armor?" Garrus added.
Shepard and company break into the room. They find Miranda, close to death. No, seriously. You can totally tell she's in mortal danger by the way dirt is smeared on her face.
"Shepard!" Miranda cried. They looked to find Henry Lawson holding Orianna at gunpoint.
"You have to come quick. My plot armor is in pieces. My celebrity voice powers are… fading. Life and death depends on… next dialogue choices…"
Shepard paused.
"Seriously?"
"Yes! Seriously!" Miranda cried out.
"Your main character status means nothing to me, Shepard!" Kai Leng said.
"My absurdity powers are off the charts! They can even overcome Miranda Lawson's skin-tight plot armor!"
"I'm a half-dead cyborg who came back from the dead. Bring it on!" Shepard cried.
Kai Leng raised his blade. But, before the fatal blow was struck, Shepard whipped around, broke a steel sword with his bare hands, busted out his Omni-blade and shiv'd Kai Leng in the stomach.
"That was for Thane, you sonavabitch!"
Shepard pulled back the Omni-blade and shoved it back in again.
"And that was for almost killing Miranda!"
Shepard pulled back, but wasn't even closed to finished.
"And that was for Thessia!"
"And that was for bringing a gunship to a boss battle!"
"And that was for eating that cereal in Deception!"
"And that was for using a goddamn sword when everyone else uses guns!"
"Umm… Shepard?" Tali asked.
Shepard pulled back and pierced Kai Leng one last time.
"And that was for my old gaffer!'
Engineering deck…
Shepard walks in, only to find Officers Daniels and Donnelly locked in a tight embrace.
"You two? First Joker and EDI, then Garrus and Tali and now you two? Has everyone on this ship lost their minds?"
Engineer Adams cleared his throat. "With all due respect, Commander, there's a good chance we're going to die. So… we might as well enjoy this."
"I'm ashamed of all of you. What would Dr. Chakwas say if she were here?"
Suddenly, Dr. Chakwas walked in.
"I brought the tequila shots!"
Within the Citadel, moments after Hammer Team's destruction…
Shepard crawled, very slowly, to the center of the room. He found Anderson, but something was wrong. Anderson turned around, as if controlled by some odd force.
"Shepard…" The Illusive man said. "So glad you could join us…"
"Wait… the final boss is an old dude in a business suit? Who the hell thought that was a good idea?"
(A/N: Project Director: Casey Hudson. Lead Writer: Mac Walters)
Shepard awoke. Somehow his bleeding had slowed considerably as he gazed at the window above him. There, he saw the allied forces he had gather all being decimated by the Reapers. However, a lone figure, as if made out of astral, white energy appeared before him. It was the child that died on Earth. He spoke to it.
"Who are you?" Shepard asked.
"I am the Catalyst. The Citadel is my home and the Reapers are more solution to chaos, aka Organic Life."
"Are you the final boss?"
"There is no final boss!"
"How do I stop the Reapers?"
"You must use the Crucible's energy by three colors: Red means you destroy Edi, the Geth and the Reapers and yourself. All technology will be destroyed and it can be repaired at some unspecified date. Blue means control, in which you sacrifice yourself to control the Reapers. You'll die and become no better than the Illusive Man, but all your friends get a happy ending. Except your love interest who'll be SOL. And then there's Synthesis, in which you cast your energy into the crucible and blend Organic and Syntheitc life together and everyone will live peacefully."
"Ha, ha, ha. No really, what does Synthesis do?"
The Catalyst stood silent.
"Huh. That seems… implausible. Do any of them have any difference?"
"Depends. Are you willing to wait 4 months for some variation?"
"I don't think I have that much blood left in me. Sorry, EDI."
Shepard picks destroy, but in an odd turn of events, the bullets ricochet and accidentally hit the Catalyst, and cause it to die. Sort of. Whatever.
"What does that-"
In a flash of brilliance, a white energy envelops the Catalyst and fires to all corners of the galaxy. Hackett and his forces leave while Joker, for some reason, flies the Normandy to some uncharted world. Because, apparently that was a good idea. Yeah.
In the end, everyone won. The Reapers, and only the Reapers were destroyed. The Normandy Crew got off that strange jungle planet.
But what became of Shepard, you ask? Deep within the rubble of the destroyed Citadel, there remains a piece of N7 armor. And the armor moved, just a little. And the armor, said words that would forever be remembered in history.
"Aww… I fell on my keys again…"
In the end, everyone got what they wanted.
Joker and EDI would make love. In the end, Joker would end up with several compound fractures and a sprained pelvis but would none the less be an inspiration to all Vorlik syndrome victims everywhere. He would coin the term "Plugging into EDI."
Ashley Williams would break the family curse and eventually be promoted to Commander. However, due to her racist tendencies she would face constant criticism of being anti-alien. Fortunately, she had used the "I am an alcoholic" defense which saved her career twice, by going to 2-weeks rehab.
James Vega would go on to sell exercise equipment on late night television, showing how one could save the galaxy and develop the perfect 6 pack all at the same time.
Javik would start up a late-night comedy tour discussing how backwards other races were. People would find his material slightly amusing until he released an animated sitcom on Comedy Central called "Protheanberry" which just sucked.
Liara, as the Shadow Broker, would record and blackmail whomever and whatever she wanted to. Her latest stunt involved getting the movie rights to a game that ended badly published.
Garrus would eventually bank his career and peak with the Nu-ray exclusive "Lone Enforcer 9," guest starring Veteran actor Sagacious Zu. He would take those earnings and start an anti-drug program meant to teach young turians everywhere that drugs were bad.
Steve, finally accepting the loss of his husband, would dance the night away at local gay bars. He would win the hearts of many men and thank the one piece of ass that stood by him while he was grieving.
Samantha Traynor continued to work for the Alliance until she got her 6000 credit toothbrush. She would then have buyer's remorse.
Tali, the Quarians and the Geth would settle down on Ran'noch and live a peaceful existence. She would eventually go for Veetor and play dirty by exposing parts of her suit.
Wrex, finding that incumbent Wreav was suddenly dead, would rule for 4 more years and pop out a bunch of children under his name. He would get them a pet Varren and name him "Sparkles".
Grunt, inspired by his near death montage, would direct the "Book of Krogan", a mix of ballet and shotgun rounds being fired. The local Asari review would claim "as lethal as it was entertaining".
Miranda and Orianna Lawson would start and star in several pornographic films. Despite controversy, Miranda's cut-throat tactics would eventually monopolize the whole industry and faced an anti-trust suit. She eventually settled out of court with several million. Oddly enough, a small percentage of those earnings would go to research infertility among females.
Jacob Taylor would teach a class on how to be a great NPC. He would've received recognition for his work, but no one would remember his presence. Also, he and Byrne would have a baby so generic, Jacob shed tears.
Samara and Falere would rebuild on Thessia. Samara would have to remind herself to go easy and not kill Falere every time she forgot to wash her hands when coming out of the restroom.
Zaeed would sit in a chair. Because he's that badass.
Kasumi would forever pawn and claw at the recording she had of Keiji and old Sailor Moon recordings until she realized that was really depressing. She would then go steal everything at the local DVD store and watch OVA's instead.
Jack, after much swearing and cussing, would find Shepard and eventually marry the sorry bastard. They would have a boy named German. At first, Jack wanted to divorce him and take half his money, but seeing as she somehow found him pathetic, she stayed with him long into old age. She still refused to play The Old Republic.
Diana Allers would die a horrible painful death at the hands of the Reapers. Nothing of value was lost.
Somewhere in Mass Effect Heaven, Kaidan, Thane, Legion, and Mordin all celebrated seeing their friends victorious. Diana Allers was not permitted to come because she was a massive bitch.
Kelly Chambers would not only survive the events of the final battle but would eventually go on to publish her friend fiction into an actual literary work, thanks to her new nickname.
Her pen name was E.L. James and "50 Shades of Grey" turned into a galaxy wide best-seller.
(A/N: It has been a fun ride with Mass Effect and I just wrote this for anyone who played. So whether you're a Biodrone, a troll, a pervious fan turned troll or just someone who casually enjoyed the Mass Effect series, I salute you. It's been an experience to say the least and may you look to the stars for your lulz.
Until then,
Keep Writing!)