A/n; Title is from Simon & Garfunkel's 'El Condor Pasa (If I Could)'.
New York is huge and overwhelming and nothing like she's imagined for so long. She tries not to cry as she sinks down to the floor of the practice studio.
She just needs a friend, someone who could underst
an
d….
She and Kurt are walking arm in arm down the busy sidewalk, chattering about his internship and he's trying to convince her to let him give her a make-over.
They find a cafe and Rachel tells him all about how her life in New York has gone so far. He smiles and listens and she feels inexplicably lonely.
Kurt loves her- she love him too- but she's not quite sure how to be herself, out of love. She wants to be wanted a desperately as she fee
ls…
It's her wedding day and Finn is smiling at her.
Of course it all goes to Hell in a Handbasket when Quinn gets in the car crash but
(No, that's not right- Quinn was a bridesmaid for her. They wore pink dresses and it went great with her skin tone and they'd joked about how she wouldn't dye her hair to match the dress and…)
She is flying high after they win Nationals….
(That's not right either- they never qualified because….)
She's walking down the hallway at the beginning of sophomore year and notices a boy at a locker down the hall from hers. He must be new, because she'd never seen him before and she would have noticed him.
The jocks ruin his nice jacket as they walk through the halls, slushie cups at the ready.
(That's not right either- he was never there to begin with. Right?)
She needs there to be a place for her….
…. glee club sign-ups appear the next day.
(She's a freshman, at the school's Sadie Hawkins Dance with her two best friends. She's the only one that knows that they're dating- this school is far to homophobic for them to be open about anything, especially with the abuse they already get just from rumors.
The gym is crowded and the air is heavy with the moisture and smells that accompany such things. Blaine shouts to be heard, telling her that it's getting late [they've been there for about two hours] and he's going to go outside to get some air and call Mr. Hummel to come get them and is that alright with her?
She just nods, not wanting to strain her vocal chords shouting.
He shoots her a thumbs up and makes his way through the crowd. She sees Kurt catch up to him on the way out, and decides that she has time for one last cup of punch before going out to meet them.
It takes nearly twenty minutes for her to get outside, and by then it's too late.)
She wishes that whoever it is would stop screaming- it makes it really difficult to concentrate on her Wicked sing-a-long.
(She doesn't remember dialing 911, doesn't remember screaming, or telling the operator in hysterical tones what had happened.
The smell and feel of the tacky blood drying on her pretty dress, and the horror in Blaine's eyes as he clutches Kurt, ignoring his own bleeding head. The knowledge that one of her best friend's is dead and if the ambulance doesn't get here soon her other best friend will be too and she can't she can't she c
an
't….)
She is singing on a large stage, the sole spotlight trained on her.
She is crying and can't stop, but she's never sounded better. The audience that she's sure is there is rapt, holding their breath on her.
She doesn't stop singing. Can't stop singing.
If she stops then…
No.
She keeps singing.