Disclaimer: Nothing's mine. Everything belongs to Dick Wolf.
Okay, I know this is fluff. Angsty fluff. Slightly OOC fluff. But I hope it's okay anyway. Enjoy!
Alex woke up to find Olivia crying softly in the bed beside her, trying to stay silent but not quite managing. Her heart went out to the detective, and she wondered why Olivia hadn't woken her, but the answer came to her immediately: Olivia wouldn't want her to see her vulnerable, to think she was weak.
Without a word, she took Olivia into her arms and kissed her shoulder blade. "It's okay," she whispered as Olivia's sobs began to subside. "I'm here."
Olivia didn't trust herself to speak, so she didn't say anything. She just leaned into Alex and allowed herself to relax in her girlfriend's embrace.
When Olivia had quieted in her arms, Alex asked quietly, "Did you have a bad dream?"
Olivia thought that was a bit of an understatement, but she nodded anyway and snuggled closer to Alex.
"I'm here to listen, if you want to talk," Alex said, a bit awkwardly. She wasn't used to doing this for Olivia. She was only doing what Olivia had always done for her.
Olivia shook her head and bit her lip, the residual fear from the nightmare causing her to sound a bit needier than she would have liked when she finally spoke. "Just – don't leave me?"
"Oh, baby, of course I won't." She gave Olivia another kiss. "I love you."
Olivia's hands immediately went to her shirt, smoothing it down in an act of unconscious self-protection. As if Alex hadn't already glimpsed the scars that lay beneath, as if she hadn't seen every inch of Olivia's body. But she let it be for now, knowing the almost instinctive action comforted Olivia. She didn't know what else she could do.
"I love you," she repeated.
"Even with . . ." Olivia let her voice trail off, unsure how to complete the thought, uncertain what she even wanted to say.
"Through it all," Alex assured her.
"No." Olivia's voice was so quiet that Alex barely heard, but she felt tears rushing to her eyes at that one word.
Alex sat up in bed and took Olivia's arms, gently guiding her so that she was facing Alex, her legs straddling Alex's hips. She held Olivia's gaze and gently lifted her shirt, allowing her fingers to trace one scar, and then another. Olivia flinched and lowered her eyes, but didn't pull out of Alex's grasp.
"I love the way you kiss me, gentle but so passionate at the same time," Alex began, and waited for Olivia to look back up before continuing, "I love the way you keep an arm around me whenever we're walking somewhere at night."
When she was sure she had Olivia's full attention, she moved her fingers onto another of the deep scars covering Olivia's back. "I love how you bring home flowers for me, white roses, or you leave them on my desk when it's been a tough case."
With each different thing she loved about Olivia, she traced a new scar on Olivia's back. "I love the way you'll give me your coat when it's cold outside and I've forgotten mine, and the way you'll run out on a chilly morning and pick me up white hot chocolate with 1% milk and mini-marshmallows. I love the way you cook me romantic, candlelit dinners even when I know you're exhausted and all you want to do is climb into bed and sleep for the next million years."
Olivia bowed her head. She didn't deserve all that Alex was saying to her, and yet somehow Alex knew that she needed something concrete right now, something to hold onto. Something specific, something she could apply instead of just general, all-encompassing statements that could pertain to anyone. "Alex," she began, but her girlfriend silenced her with a gentle kiss, and then continued.
"I love the way you hold me when we're in bed together. I feel so safe in your arms, Liv. I love how you're always here to listen, no matter what, and you never judge me. I love how you let me cry when I need to, and when I'm done, you make me laugh so hard that I can't even remember what I was upset about to begin with. I love it when you call me your princess. I love hearing you just say my name, because it sounds so wonderful on your tongue."
Her fingers glided from one scar to the next, and soon Olivia had stopped cringing at the touch, and just relaxed into Alex, desperately trying not to cry. Not at the pain, not at the shame she felt about those scars, and Alex seeing them again, but at the love Alex was showing her, the tenderness with which Alex was treating her scars. And still, there was more to come.
"I love how you always know just what to say, and you say it," said Alex. "I love how you turn to me for comfort when you've had a hard case or a bad dream, and knowing that I can be there for you like you always are for me." She paused and waited for Olivia to look back up at her before she smiled and continued, "I love your beautiful smile, and it just makes me want to smile along with you. Honestly, Liv, when I'm having a bad day, your smile makes everything better."
She leaned toward Olivia and gave her a soft, lingering kiss, and Olivia's tears finally spilled over as Alex said the last thing. "But most of all, I love it when you tell me you love me. Every morning, it's the first thing I hear when I wake up, and every night, it's the last thing I hear before I go to bed. You could say those three little words a million times, and I would gladly hear them that many times, and they would still be music to my ears. Because you, and only you, are the best thing that's ever happened to me."
By then, Alex was crying, too, and she rolled down Olivia's shirt and took the detective into her arms. "I love you, sweetheart," she whispered, burying her face in Olivia's hair. "So much. And I don't like seeing you in pain."
Olivia took a deep breath to calm herself down. It was surprisingly easy, here in Alex's arms. With the woman she loved more than life itself, she knew she was safe. But still, there was something she had to say. She just didn't know how to say it.
She pulled out of Alex's grasp and turned so they were facing each other again. She took Alex's hands in her own and said quietly, "I'm not as eloquent as you are, Alex. Nothing I could say to you could ever compare to the gift you've just given me. So all I can say is that you love me. You always make me feel so special, like I'm the most important person in the world. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I just watch you sleep, and you're so beautiful, and I wonder when you're going to leave me, because I can't believe someone like you would ever want to be with someone like me. You deserve so much more than I can give you, Alex."
Alex's heart was breaking at Olivia's words, and she squeezed the detective's hands tightly, "Liv, I don't want more. I want you. That's all, and if you're willing to have me, then that's enough. You've given me everything I could ever want, and I know you don't know how to hear this because no one's ever told you before, but you are amazing. You are the most incredible woman in the world and I am so, so lucky to have you."
Olivia lowered her eyes and didn't say anything else. She didn't know what to say to this, and Alex was quick to reassure her.
"I know no one's ever loved you before. I know that you've never had a real girlfriend before, one who truly loved you for you. I know that your mother hurt you, badly, and told you that you deserved it. She told you that no one would ever love you. But she was wrong. Please, let me love you. I love you already, Liv. I've loved you from the moment I met you, the moment I looked into your eyes and knew I was gone. I'd never felt that way before, and in that moment, I knew you were the one. You are, Liv. You are the one."
"Alex." Olivia's voice was full of wonderment. "You are everything to me, and that's why I can't let myself hurt you."
"Sweetie, you won't. You have never hurt me. You've brought happiness into my life, so much happiness. I never imagined that I could ever have someone as wonderful as you, and I can't believe that you're really here, that you really love me."
"Why wouldn't I love you?"
Alex regarded Olivia with sadness and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Why shouldn't I love you?"
"Because I'll end up hurting you, just like I end up hurting everyone."
"Baby, you don't. Think of all the people you've helped, Liv. Victims. Children. Me."
"How have I helped you?"
"You love me," said Alex simply. "Unconditionally. And that's all I've ever wanted." She caressed Olivia's cheek. "Is it too much to ask for you to let me do the same?"
Finally, Olivia broke. It was four in the morning and it was all she could do to relinquish herself to Alex, to the warm arms holding her, comforting and promising and loving all at once. "I – I'm not sure if I can." But her protests were wearing thin, and Alex knew it.
"Try. That's all I ask of you. Just try."
"I will." Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex. "Because even if I don't understand how you can love me, I love you. And I trust you, Alex."
"Thank you," said Alex, matching Olivia's quiet tone as she lay back down on the bed and pulled Olivia down beside her. "You have no idea how much that means to me."
"I do." Olivia lightly traced the outline of Alex's collarbone. "Maybe almost as much as it means to me." She rested her head on Alex's shoulder, and within moments they were asleep again.
When they woke up in the morning, they would wonder if their conversation in the night was just a dream, and they would never mention it again. But both of them kept their promises, because they loved each other, and that was what mattered most.
A bit fluffy, maybe fluffier than what I usually write, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway. If so, review!