Metal Gear Solid 3:
Raiden's Revenge
Disclaimer: We don't own this stuff. Darn.
For Solid Snake, it began like a normal day. He infiltrated a top-secret military facility off in the middle of nowhere (also known as Tajikistan, where, inexplicably, a Patriot-run US base was located) where he could track down and kill the first on the Patriot's list, Michael Jackson. He slowly stalked through the halls, watching carefully. His opponent would be a difficult one; he saw the feared Mr. Jackson easily take down a group of dancers with his deadly moves. When it came to a dance fight, Snake didn't stand a chance. His only hope was to quickly shoot Jackson and kill him before the man could notice him. Suddenly, turning a corner, Snake nearly suffered a heart attack and quickly ducked back behind the corner. The guard looked over and got a question mark over his head. "Huh?" Snake whirled around the corner and shot the soldier's radio, and then fired at his chest. Inexplicably, the soldier just stepped back and pulled out an AK-74u, and opened fire. Snake ran up and threw the man over his shoulder. When the soldier started to get back up, Snake shot him in the head, finally finishing him off. The action part of Philanthropy wiped the sweat off his head and calmed his hammering heart. Then he grabbed the corpse and pulled it away, thinking that if Michael Jackson was the commander of troops like these then there was almost no way he could win. Little did he know, however, of the much more dangerous emeny..um, Enenie, emerie? Uh, I mean..Dang it!![bleepity bleep bleep]awaiting him.
"I don't know what'th wrong with me." "You know Raiden, it's perfectly normal to be.different." Raiden was at his therapist's office, hanging on the metal torture rack. His therapist, Shalashaska, smiled kindly and sat in a chair, wearing reading glasses and holding a little notepad and pencil. "So.Raiden. Can I call you Jack?" Raiden shrugged. "Thure." "So.Jack. Um.tell me about your childhood." "Why?" Ocelot stood up and threw the switch. Electricity surged through the torture rack, sending Raiden's body into a near seizure. After a few minutes, Ocelot shut it off. "So how do you feel now?" Raiden's eyes were turned inward, a grin covered his face. "Ohh.that wath wonderful." Ocelot scowled. "Tell me about your childhood, Raiden." "Okay.after I wath born, Tholiduth came and shot my parents up, he's sutch a meanie-poo, and took me to be a tholdier.then I had a glorious life killing peopwe! Then, after that, the Colonel took me in and made me part of Fokthhound.that was kinda too macho for liddle old me! Then I wath thent to Big Shell to take down the terrorithtth, and I met Tholid Thnake. He'th thutch a hottie!" Ocelot just sat there looking. "Anyway.me and Thnake (*girlie sigh*), we went and we beat up Tholiduth.he needs to just chill out, like, for sure! He's not nearly as hot ath Thnake.then he and that nerdy Otacon went off chathing Liquid Thnake, who'th out there thomewhere in the othean with Metal Gear RAY.I thaw thome pictuwes of Liquid, and he wath really really cute, but now he'th in Revolver Ocelot, and tho he's not hot anymore.like totally!" Ocelot froze. Raiden was going to do something evil to him now. But he did nothing. Ocelot glared. Raiden smiled. Ocelot glared. Raiden smiled. Ocelot glared. Raiden smiled. Et cetera. Finally, Ocelot said, "Raiden, has anyone ever called you kind of stupid?" "Yeah.Snake sinks I'm a ditz." "Oh. Now why would they think that?"
"I know! Finally somebody who understands li'l ol' me." Raiden nearly giggled. "Okay...tell what you think about your childhood." Ocelot said with obvious contempt, but Raiden just kept talking...and talking...and talking. Ocelot heard nothing except the endless lisping drone of Raiden's very girly voice talking about everything except his childhood.
Inside Ocelot's Mind: Boy, this kid is a queer! I wonder why Solidus wanted him naked back on Arsenal Gear? Maybe he's gay too.like, what's up with those queer octopus arms. Can you say "Homo"? I wonder if octopus's arms really glow green? Oh, yes, note to self (not you, Liquid fruitcake): get cool Choco milk. Not brown cow crap, Pure Hershey, baby. I'm glad I'm old; I can get away with stuff like this. Old people rule. Young'uns suck with their new-fangled ho- diggles. The Patriots is such a dumb name. And they've stopped making Vanilla Coke in the greater Sacramento area. Dag-nab those Patriots. Oh, what about Mumzies? Is she doing okay? I mean, with the 17 other kids that never left home.I can almost hear her voice now "Shasky! Quit playin' with that revolver and make somefink of yourself!" I'm glad I left Russia. I wonder if they still make those hip tall black furry hats? Me and my homies, we'd hang with those hats, we were the baddest Russkies to ever live. We were down with it.yo. And speaking of yo.lk, as in, egg yolk, heh heh heh (I'm so witty) I do need to pick up some eggs today.I need at least two for a nutritionally sound breakfast.and some toast.I wonder if protein shakes are still disapproved by the FDA? Dang the Patriots! Maybe Liquid was gay too.I mean, what's up with that's hair? I mean, I'd call his house and ask for Snake, then Liquid would ask "Which one?" Then I'd say "The one with crappy hair." Then he'd say "We've all got crappy hair! SPECIFY!" What a funny guy. So, if Liquid is gay, and Solidus is gay, doesn't that mean that Solid is gay? I saw him and Otacon hugging on Big Shell right before Arsenal Gear launched.maybe they're gay too. I bet they're all gay. I mean, what's up with that sick little secret handshake? Maybe Big Boss is gay too? I mean, what kind of name is Boss? Who's was Liquid's mom? Did he have a mom? Maybe he doesn't know about moms.maybe that's why he's gay. They should go to Russia. They've got lots of moms there. I love my mommy. She'd make Rat stew for breakfast. Why do Macs only run 5% percent of the software? Dad- blast those accursed Patriots!! Hmm.that kid Raiden is still here.I wonder.Snake's going after the Patriots, and I have to work for them, even on holidays.dang a Patriots!...Raiden seems pretty gay. Maybe.if I send him after Solid Snake.?
Back in Real Life.
"Wake up! Wake up, thilly! C'mon, why aren't you lithening to me? Enough about silly ol' you, back to me! Ocelot! Ooooooceloooot!" Ocelot looked over. " No.no..Ahh!!!What?" "Why aren't you talking to me anymore? I'm thoooo lonely.without Snakey- poo" Ocelot looked at Raiden and scowled. "Curse the Patriots!" Raiden started to wine. "Othelot! You're thooooo meeeaaanie-headish! You jutht ignore me, and then-" "Listen, I'm listening to you, Raiden. And I think I know your problem." "How d'you know, mister smarty smart smart?" "Crazy Ivan knows all! Anyway." Ocelot stroked his awesome, killer 'stash. "Raiden, after much deliberation and thought (note to self.buy those eggs!) I have decided you are gay." "Me? Gay?" Raiden 'thtared' at Ocelot for a minute. "That'th tho thilly, Othelot! I could never be gay!" Ocelot blinked. "Are you attracted to.Solid Snake?" "Yeth." "Otacon?" "Yeth." "Commadore Filipe Malvolio Andreas, the famous South American juggling military officer?" "Yeth." "Jay Leno?" "Yeth." "Bilbo Baggins?" "Yeth." "That is the final, complete proof, Raiden. You are so utterly gay I cannot say it. It's amazing, your gayness. See, this is my gayness level, right here, next to the floor, see? Yours is just out there. Out there, I don't just mean out there, I mean seriously out there like the stars out there, not on earth anymore, your gayness is so incredible I am awed by the power and richness of your purified gayness-ness. Your gayness is so completely, absolutely, amazingly out there it is immeasurable by human means, that is how gay you are.and you ate gunpowder too. I wonder if that's what made you gay? I wonder what gunpowder tastes like? Maybe Solidus ate it too? And maybe that's why he's gay? If I ate some, would I also be gay?" "I love Thnake.." Raiden started "Shut up! Listen silly.uh, I mean.STUPID IDIOTOSOATIC MORON (Silly is a bad word, Liquid, you gay retarded numbnuts!).listen, Raiden. We know you are gay, and we know you want Snake. You seriously want him. You love him, you want to live with him and have him be your.'buddy'. Right?" "Uh." "Raiden. You want Snake. Go after him." Raiden went into deep thought which normally would be represented by a bunch of little dots, Example: ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ................................................(Dang, this is boring)..................................................................... ............................................................................ .......................................................................(it takes a lot of dots to show how long it takes Raiden to think about something so simple, it just might work)....................................................................... ............................................................................ ............. Finally, Raiden broke the silence by saying "Alright, Shakashaslalalalala..la, I'm going to go on a mission to find *girly sigh* Sthnake! I'll confront my destiny and find Philanthropy. Whether it be through rain, snow, sleet, techno drug raves, elementary school, Kentucky Fried Chicken, CIA headquarters (with the occasionally hot agents) and even gay barsth! But I need your help..Schnackaslalala? Ocelotie?" Ocelot hid in a levitating, spinning crate of ammo (why did it levitate and spin?.....Dang the Patriots!) "Snorkybasket? We don't have time play silly Hide-and-Seek! We've gotta find Snthankie-poo!" Raiden wailed. "Liquid! It's all your fault!" Ocelot screamed from inside the ammo crate "Why is it my Fault, Clint Gaywood?!?!? It just is..girly haired, british crumpet eating, fruitcake!!! Oh, Excuse me for being sophisticated! I actually have a life, gaywad!! You're a limb with a barcode! You don't have a life!! Oh, yes. I don't have a life, because I'm hooked up to you! Stupid....poo-poo head!" Raiden eventually figured out that ether that crate of ammo was an omnipotent entity, or "Shakeysyko" was in there. "I could always use a talking crate, let'sth go!" Raiden said as he picked up the crate and left the therapy center. "Dang the Patriots.....and Liquid......and Democrats.........and the Xbox.....and Russian chess club.." Ocelot mumbled as Raiden left on his quest for Snake. (duh duh DUH!)
Disclaimer: We don't own this stuff. Darn.
For Solid Snake, it began like a normal day. He infiltrated a top-secret military facility off in the middle of nowhere (also known as Tajikistan, where, inexplicably, a Patriot-run US base was located) where he could track down and kill the first on the Patriot's list, Michael Jackson. He slowly stalked through the halls, watching carefully. His opponent would be a difficult one; he saw the feared Mr. Jackson easily take down a group of dancers with his deadly moves. When it came to a dance fight, Snake didn't stand a chance. His only hope was to quickly shoot Jackson and kill him before the man could notice him. Suddenly, turning a corner, Snake nearly suffered a heart attack and quickly ducked back behind the corner. The guard looked over and got a question mark over his head. "Huh?" Snake whirled around the corner and shot the soldier's radio, and then fired at his chest. Inexplicably, the soldier just stepped back and pulled out an AK-74u, and opened fire. Snake ran up and threw the man over his shoulder. When the soldier started to get back up, Snake shot him in the head, finally finishing him off. The action part of Philanthropy wiped the sweat off his head and calmed his hammering heart. Then he grabbed the corpse and pulled it away, thinking that if Michael Jackson was the commander of troops like these then there was almost no way he could win. Little did he know, however, of the much more dangerous emeny..um, Enenie, emerie? Uh, I mean..Dang it!![bleepity bleep bleep]awaiting him.
"I don't know what'th wrong with me." "You know Raiden, it's perfectly normal to be.different." Raiden was at his therapist's office, hanging on the metal torture rack. His therapist, Shalashaska, smiled kindly and sat in a chair, wearing reading glasses and holding a little notepad and pencil. "So.Raiden. Can I call you Jack?" Raiden shrugged. "Thure." "So.Jack. Um.tell me about your childhood." "Why?" Ocelot stood up and threw the switch. Electricity surged through the torture rack, sending Raiden's body into a near seizure. After a few minutes, Ocelot shut it off. "So how do you feel now?" Raiden's eyes were turned inward, a grin covered his face. "Ohh.that wath wonderful." Ocelot scowled. "Tell me about your childhood, Raiden." "Okay.after I wath born, Tholiduth came and shot my parents up, he's sutch a meanie-poo, and took me to be a tholdier.then I had a glorious life killing peopwe! Then, after that, the Colonel took me in and made me part of Fokthhound.that was kinda too macho for liddle old me! Then I wath thent to Big Shell to take down the terrorithtth, and I met Tholid Thnake. He'th thutch a hottie!" Ocelot just sat there looking. "Anyway.me and Thnake (*girlie sigh*), we went and we beat up Tholiduth.he needs to just chill out, like, for sure! He's not nearly as hot ath Thnake.then he and that nerdy Otacon went off chathing Liquid Thnake, who'th out there thomewhere in the othean with Metal Gear RAY.I thaw thome pictuwes of Liquid, and he wath really really cute, but now he'th in Revolver Ocelot, and tho he's not hot anymore.like totally!" Ocelot froze. Raiden was going to do something evil to him now. But he did nothing. Ocelot glared. Raiden smiled. Ocelot glared. Raiden smiled. Ocelot glared. Raiden smiled. Et cetera. Finally, Ocelot said, "Raiden, has anyone ever called you kind of stupid?" "Yeah.Snake sinks I'm a ditz." "Oh. Now why would they think that?"
"I know! Finally somebody who understands li'l ol' me." Raiden nearly giggled. "Okay...tell what you think about your childhood." Ocelot said with obvious contempt, but Raiden just kept talking...and talking...and talking. Ocelot heard nothing except the endless lisping drone of Raiden's very girly voice talking about everything except his childhood.
Inside Ocelot's Mind: Boy, this kid is a queer! I wonder why Solidus wanted him naked back on Arsenal Gear? Maybe he's gay too.like, what's up with those queer octopus arms. Can you say "Homo"? I wonder if octopus's arms really glow green? Oh, yes, note to self (not you, Liquid fruitcake): get cool Choco milk. Not brown cow crap, Pure Hershey, baby. I'm glad I'm old; I can get away with stuff like this. Old people rule. Young'uns suck with their new-fangled ho- diggles. The Patriots is such a dumb name. And they've stopped making Vanilla Coke in the greater Sacramento area. Dag-nab those Patriots. Oh, what about Mumzies? Is she doing okay? I mean, with the 17 other kids that never left home.I can almost hear her voice now "Shasky! Quit playin' with that revolver and make somefink of yourself!" I'm glad I left Russia. I wonder if they still make those hip tall black furry hats? Me and my homies, we'd hang with those hats, we were the baddest Russkies to ever live. We were down with it.yo. And speaking of yo.lk, as in, egg yolk, heh heh heh (I'm so witty) I do need to pick up some eggs today.I need at least two for a nutritionally sound breakfast.and some toast.I wonder if protein shakes are still disapproved by the FDA? Dang the Patriots! Maybe Liquid was gay too.I mean, what's up with that's hair? I mean, I'd call his house and ask for Snake, then Liquid would ask "Which one?" Then I'd say "The one with crappy hair." Then he'd say "We've all got crappy hair! SPECIFY!" What a funny guy. So, if Liquid is gay, and Solidus is gay, doesn't that mean that Solid is gay? I saw him and Otacon hugging on Big Shell right before Arsenal Gear launched.maybe they're gay too. I bet they're all gay. I mean, what's up with that sick little secret handshake? Maybe Big Boss is gay too? I mean, what kind of name is Boss? Who's was Liquid's mom? Did he have a mom? Maybe he doesn't know about moms.maybe that's why he's gay. They should go to Russia. They've got lots of moms there. I love my mommy. She'd make Rat stew for breakfast. Why do Macs only run 5% percent of the software? Dad- blast those accursed Patriots!! Hmm.that kid Raiden is still here.I wonder.Snake's going after the Patriots, and I have to work for them, even on holidays.dang a Patriots!...Raiden seems pretty gay. Maybe.if I send him after Solid Snake.?
Back in Real Life.
"Wake up! Wake up, thilly! C'mon, why aren't you lithening to me? Enough about silly ol' you, back to me! Ocelot! Ooooooceloooot!" Ocelot looked over. " No.no..Ahh!!!What?" "Why aren't you talking to me anymore? I'm thoooo lonely.without Snakey- poo" Ocelot looked at Raiden and scowled. "Curse the Patriots!" Raiden started to wine. "Othelot! You're thooooo meeeaaanie-headish! You jutht ignore me, and then-" "Listen, I'm listening to you, Raiden. And I think I know your problem." "How d'you know, mister smarty smart smart?" "Crazy Ivan knows all! Anyway." Ocelot stroked his awesome, killer 'stash. "Raiden, after much deliberation and thought (note to self.buy those eggs!) I have decided you are gay." "Me? Gay?" Raiden 'thtared' at Ocelot for a minute. "That'th tho thilly, Othelot! I could never be gay!" Ocelot blinked. "Are you attracted to.Solid Snake?" "Yeth." "Otacon?" "Yeth." "Commadore Filipe Malvolio Andreas, the famous South American juggling military officer?" "Yeth." "Jay Leno?" "Yeth." "Bilbo Baggins?" "Yeth." "That is the final, complete proof, Raiden. You are so utterly gay I cannot say it. It's amazing, your gayness. See, this is my gayness level, right here, next to the floor, see? Yours is just out there. Out there, I don't just mean out there, I mean seriously out there like the stars out there, not on earth anymore, your gayness is so incredible I am awed by the power and richness of your purified gayness-ness. Your gayness is so completely, absolutely, amazingly out there it is immeasurable by human means, that is how gay you are.and you ate gunpowder too. I wonder if that's what made you gay? I wonder what gunpowder tastes like? Maybe Solidus ate it too? And maybe that's why he's gay? If I ate some, would I also be gay?" "I love Thnake.." Raiden started "Shut up! Listen silly.uh, I mean.STUPID IDIOTOSOATIC MORON (Silly is a bad word, Liquid, you gay retarded numbnuts!).listen, Raiden. We know you are gay, and we know you want Snake. You seriously want him. You love him, you want to live with him and have him be your.'buddy'. Right?" "Uh." "Raiden. You want Snake. Go after him." Raiden went into deep thought which normally would be represented by a bunch of little dots, Example: ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ................................................(Dang, this is boring)..................................................................... ............................................................................ .......................................................................(it takes a lot of dots to show how long it takes Raiden to think about something so simple, it just might work)....................................................................... ............................................................................ ............. Finally, Raiden broke the silence by saying "Alright, Shakashaslalalalala..la, I'm going to go on a mission to find *girly sigh* Sthnake! I'll confront my destiny and find Philanthropy. Whether it be through rain, snow, sleet, techno drug raves, elementary school, Kentucky Fried Chicken, CIA headquarters (with the occasionally hot agents) and even gay barsth! But I need your help..Schnackaslalala? Ocelotie?" Ocelot hid in a levitating, spinning crate of ammo (why did it levitate and spin?.....Dang the Patriots!) "Snorkybasket? We don't have time play silly Hide-and-Seek! We've gotta find Snthankie-poo!" Raiden wailed. "Liquid! It's all your fault!" Ocelot screamed from inside the ammo crate "Why is it my Fault, Clint Gaywood?!?!? It just is..girly haired, british crumpet eating, fruitcake!!! Oh, Excuse me for being sophisticated! I actually have a life, gaywad!! You're a limb with a barcode! You don't have a life!! Oh, yes. I don't have a life, because I'm hooked up to you! Stupid....poo-poo head!" Raiden eventually figured out that ether that crate of ammo was an omnipotent entity, or "Shakeysyko" was in there. "I could always use a talking crate, let'sth go!" Raiden said as he picked up the crate and left the therapy center. "Dang the Patriots.....and Liquid......and Democrats.........and the Xbox.....and Russian chess club.." Ocelot mumbled as Raiden left on his quest for Snake. (duh duh DUH!)