Unlike what the epilogue had said, not all was well. In fact, everything was unwell. Dark wizards had plotted to revive Voldemort somehow, and they succeeded in the end. Harry Potter went back into action, but in this third war against Voldemort he lost everything and everyone he held dear. Even Luna. "There must be some way I can prevent all of this," he said angrily to himself.
Dumbledore, who was a nearby painting, heard him. "Well, you could send your soul through the veil at the Department of Mysteries. That will send it back in time, to merge with your younger self."
"That would work?" gasped Harry. "So, does that mean Sirius-?"
"No Sirius is dead," Dumbledore said very quickly. "But if you went far back enough, you might be able to save him. Of course, there are issues with this idea, seeing as it's entirely theoretical. Also I just made it up."
"Even if you just made it up," Harry said, putting on goggles as he got on his motorcycle (Author's note: he has a motorcycle), "I have to try."
Within the hour he had made it through the ruins of London to the Ministry of Magic. It had been the main Auror base when Neo-Voldemort attacked, so it had held up slightly better than other buildings. The Department of Mysteries was untouched in the battle, so Harry made his way to it.
He soon came upon the veil. "How far are you going back?" asked Dumbledore's painting.
"The beginning of my first school year," Harry said.
"How much will you change things? You might make them worse in the end!" Dumbledore said, because he's a Negative Nancy. He should be more of a Positive Pete, or a Dandy Don Meredith.
"Well, I have deeper knowledge of magic now, ever since we let those nonmagic scientists study it." When Voldemort came back again, the wizarding government let Muggles in on the secret world of wizards, seeing as what did it matter? If Voldemort killed them all then that'd be it. The Muggles agreed, on the stipulation that wizards not call them Muggles, as that was "their word". Magic and nonmagic alike stood to learn much from each other, and found that everyone had different magical potential that played a great deal in how strong a wizard was.
"But your knowledge of this, could result in you getting Sorted into a different House," Dumbledore explained.
"Probably. I'll worry about that when it comes to it. So long, Dumbledore, you were a true bro." He bumped fists with the Dumbledore painting, and leapt into the veil.
"GRYFFINDOR!" bellowed the Sorting Hat as Harry realized where he was. He was about to be Sorted, while someone in front of him just got into Gryffindor. Harry thought to himself about the revelations of magic.
Gryffindors were, primarily, ones who had great magical power, but for one reason or another, could not fully utilize it. Slytherins tended to lack magical power, but wielded what they had with finesse…also they were evil. Ravenclaws were pretty much just like Slytherin, only not evil. And Hufflepuffs, to Harry's surprise, had great power and skill, but many did not use it because they were browbeaten as the "worthless" house. No matter your potential, if everyone says you suck, you start to believe it. This was actually intentional, on the other three founders' parts, because the story of how they founded Hogwarts was also perverted by the passing of time.
Godric Gryffindor was pretty much the same as legends remembered him, but decidedly more low-key. Rowena Ravenclaw was the same too I guess, because I can't recall when if ever they described her. Slytherin, however, was grossly different from how modern day remembers him, for his name was Slappy and his primary characteristic was being evil. However, Hufflepuff was definitely different. Her name was Henrietta Hufflepuff, and rather than being the "normal" one who might have also been fat, she was a sexy, powerful witch who hexa-wielded wands, one between each finger on her hand. She was ridiculously badass, and it was said the other founders were jealous of her, because it's like the Superfriends. Flash is obviously jealous of Superman, because he has the one thing that makes Flash awesome (his hygiene) and also a bunch of other powers like super-ventriloquism. Yeah, the founders were like the Superfriends. Ravenclaw was like Batman, Gryffindor was like that one Native American guy who could grow really big, and Slytherin was like the one time they had Lex Luthor on the Superfriends. Hufflepuff was then Superman and several others put together. So anyways, they wrote up a school charter, but the other three founders secretly added a part making it sound like Hufflepuff was the washout house. So that when kids would listen to the Sorting Hat's song (which, remember, was owned by Gryffindor), they would think going into Hufflepuff was for losers. Some people may have known the truth, so they ended up going there, but few knew it as certain as Harry did.
The Hat went over Harry's head. "I know the secret, Hat," Harry thought at it, "I'm going to Hufflepuff."
"You've made a powerful enemy today, my friend," the Hat hissed, but shouted "HUFFLEPUFF" as well. Harry walked over to the Hufflepuff table. He started to plan out how he, eleven-year-old Harry, could start fixing the problems of the future. First things first, he'd stop Voldemort's first resurrection and destroy the Horcruxes. Then, to prevent his second resurrection, he would make sure that Bellatrix Lestrange didn't accidentally create a Horcrux when she killed Sirius (because that happened) and then use the Amulet of Marakhesh to revive Voldemort. It was going to be a kickass, sexy adventure for Harry Potter, as he makes new friends, probably meets old friends, battles old enemies, battles new enemies, and meet/battles frenemies.
Unfortunately, Ron and Hermione went to Gryffindor, which meant it would be hard for Harry to talk to them, plus they would think he's from the loser house. Also, people from other houses were like banned from talking to each other or something, unless it was Gryffindor and Slytherin, and even then that was just to antagonize each other. So Harry sat down at the table, and picked out two random people he'd decided were going to be his stand-in Ron and Hermione. He picked out a blond boy and a girl with brown hair that was the opposite of bushy. "Hi, I'm Harry Potter, I killed Voldemort, you're welcome," he said. Damn, he thought, successfully traveling back in time has made me kind of an asshole!
"I'm Magical Trevor," said the boy.
"And I'm Hannah Weasley," said the girl.
"Are you related to Ron Weasley?" Harry asked her.
She grabbed his face and started shaking it, shouting "NO!" She let him go, "Sorry about that."
"It's all right," Harry said, when he caught the eyes of Professor Quirrel. "Oh yeah, forgot about that guy," he muttered. He was about to add "he's Voldemort you know," but decided against it so he didn't sound crazy.
"So, are we all just ignoring the fact that he suddenly has a turban now?" said Cedric Diggory.
"Hey Cedric," Harry said, "You're looking a lot less dead. Good for you."
"What?" Everyone asked.
"Damn!" Harry said, "I have to keep my knowledge of the future a secret! Or the consequences will be dire!"
"What are you talking about?" Hannah asked.
"Also I should try thinking things instead of saying them. Anyways, guys, what's the deal with Hufflepuff?"
"Seriously," Trevor agreed, "What the hell is a Hufflepuff?"
"Well, our founder was Helga Hufflepuff, and she was the fat dumpy friend of the four founders, and also she kind of sucked," Cedric parroted the same story every young wizard was told.
"What if she wasn't?" Harry asked.
"What do you mean?" Cedric asked.
"What if she was kickass and awesome? I dunno, there was something about half a page up there about her being Superman or something."
"Hmm," Cedric asked, "I never thought critically before. I'll ask that one throwaway teacher about it. I think he was the ghost one."
"Wow, no one ever made Cedric think before!" One of the Hufflepuffs said, "And since he was the only important Hufflepuff in canon, that makes you like, super awesome!"
"Yes," Harry whispered, "Just as planned."
He and Trevor went to the Hufflepuff dorm. The gimmick behind the Hufflepuff painting was one of those Find Six Differences pictures, and once you found all of them it opened up. As you might imagine, this would be a huge hassle when you wake up at like Ass o'clock in the morning because you really have to pee and it's dark out and you took your contacts out and the last thing you want to do is pick out which dog has angry eyes in one of the pictures. Upon choosing a bed, Harry got out a notebook he had foolishly chosen to label "Things I Need to do in the Past". If anyone asked about it, he could say he's writing a book about going back in time to kill Voldemort. He sincerely hoped no one ever asked about it.
He decided to start by writing everything he or Voldemort did during his years at Hogwarts. First was the whole thing about the Sorcerer's Stone (or maybe it was the Philosopher's Stone, he was in Britain, after all). Then there was the Tom Riddle diary, which means he'd have to re-befriend Ron so he'd be more easily able to save Ginny. Then Voldemort took a year off while Harry saved Sirius, and he could probably do that bit a good deal better this time around. Then Voldemort was revived, then nothing happened for an eternity until Sirius was killed. Then Snape killed Dumbledore on page 606, and then Harry and his friends went camping for a month and very quickly destroyed all the Horcruxes and Voldemort.
"You know, put on paper, it doesn't really seem like a lot happened," Harry sighed. He spent the rest of the day with Trevor and Hannah, trying to convince them it would be really funny to pull off Quirrel's turban during class, but he got the feeling they just thought he was racist. Wait, was Quirrel actually Arabian? I don't even remember anymore.
He woke up in the middle of the night, and headed down to the Great Hall, because the castle had shifted so that it had the closest bathroom. Well, there was a closer bathroom, but it was haunted. Not by Moaning Myrtle, there was another, entirely unrelated bathroom ghost. This one was far worse, though, he was the ghost of a hipster who was killed when he was trying to write a love song for this girl he liked, and he was a terrible songwriter. Like, you don't even know how terrible. His song was a couple of chords, followed by a few lines that didn't really rhyme, and the chorus was him repeating over and over again how he'd like his dream girl to sit on his face. Harry had the misfortune of meeting that ghost during his third year the first time around, when due to it being Burrito Night, he had to spend around a half hour of straight-up lyrical garbage.
But anyway, Harry found himself in the Great Hall, when a hole in time and space opened up and crapped out the Dumbledore painting. "Dumbledore Painting!" Harry said, hugging the picture.
"Yeah, the future sucked anymore- you were like, the only person who I knew that was still around, well, other than that damn hipster ghost," see, that huge paragraph up there had a point, "so I decided to come back here and make sure you don't screw up the future unless it's to destroy Voldemort. How's that going, by the way? You keeping to the original timeline so far?"
"No, I'm in Hufflepuff now, and I have two new friends who aren't Ron and Hermione."
"Oh. That could be bad."
"Wait," Harry paused, "Do you remember where various key objects were during this time? I mean, I could probably go and do all that like, right now."
"Harry, I'm going to be honest for the first time in my life- the first four years you were here, I was completely stoned out my mind the entire time. It was only after Voldemort was revived that I dialed it back and smoked a lot less, so I was baked, but still ready for whatever the Dark Lord threw at me," Harry stared at him, "For the love of Wizard Jesus, Harry, I was a one hundred and fifty year old man who had different types of candy be the password to his office, that you give to a magic gargoyle, no less. What part of that does NOT scream drug user?"
"I see. So, if I were to go to your office right now-?"
"You wouldn't even get there, man, you'd get a contact high by the time you got to Ravenclaw Tower, then you'd get the munchies and head down here to force Flibbertygibbet, that's one of the house-elves, to make you a sandwich as big as a house. And he'd do it, too. Flibbertygibbet was the man. I loved that guy, which made it all the more sadder when he was tragically killed one of the times something bad happened," a tear dripped from the portrait's eye, "Hey!" He brightened up, "You can save him!"
"Yes! I can save him, and Sirius, and Luna, and everyone!"
"Yeah, all those guys. Oh, crap, I just remembered why this all sounds so familiar," said the painting as the TRUE and HONEST Dumbledore AND NOTHING LESS entered the hall.
"Flibbertygibbet! I need the 420 special, extra happy," said Human Dumbledore.
Harry froze in place. Would a time paradox cruelly crush the genitals of the universe now, before his adventure truly began?
"Hey!" Dumbledore said, and Harry was sure he was the one being addressed, "That is one handsome painting you have there, young man."
"Thank you, sir," Harry said.
"Now, go on off to bed. And try not to sexually assault anything on the way up," Dumbledore stumbled off.
"What was that about?" Harry whispered to the painting.
"Oh, while you were in your first year, that was what the older kids were focused on. Someone had touched one of the knights in his bathing suit area, and we were sure it was one of the students. Then it turned out to be Mr. Filch, because he gets so very lonely. I couldn't fire him, he knew too much about me, so I think we just blamed it on Hagrid like the Chamber of Secrets."
"Professor I'm learning a lot about you now that I'm not sure I'm comfortable with."
"Remember that book Rita Skeeter wrote after I died? She didn't have the HALF of it, man, like, you don't even know."
Guided by the headmaster's poignant words, Harry returned to his dorm and did the Six Differences picture, only this one turned into a screamer halfway through.
"Sorry sir, I can't risk the others finding out about you, so you'll have to hide here," Harry said, cramming the portrait underneath his mattress.
"Oh, it's fine my boy, apparently Cedric Diggory used this mattress last, and he left a stash of Wizard Playboy in here," said the painting, muffled from underneath the cushion.
Harry paused, and took the picture out, "I thought J.K. Rowling outed you as gay?"
"No, no, no, see, Dumbledore was as gay as the sunrise. But I'm a painting of Dumbledore. Totally different. Now, put me back in there, Miss September and I were having a discussion about her lack of underpants." He put him back in there, pulled the sheets over his head, and started to make a plan. But he didn't get too far, and started thinking about tigers instead. Still wide awake, he reached under the mattress to grab a Wizard Playboy, but he felt a light rap on his fingers. "You're eleven, Harry, you wouldn't know what to do with her."
The next day was the first day of school, and Harry found he and his new friends in Potions class. Harry had a plan- if he could make Snape not hate him vehemently because his dad was sort of unpleasant to him a few times like twenty years ago, then it might make this class a bit easier. Unfortunately, even Future Harry had trouble coming up with plans.
"Hello Professor Snape, I was just talking with my friends Hannah and Trevor about what a dickweasel my dad was."
"Are you trying to curry favor with me, Potter?" snarled Snape. "Well, it worked. Five points to Hufflepuff, since clearly they teach you how to correctly identify dickweasels in there."
"What are you talking about?" Hannah whispered.
"It's ok, this is going to make things a lot easier for the three of us from now on."
"You there," Snape said to Trevor, who started to panic. "I like your haircut. Five more points to Hufflepuff." He looked at Hannah, "And you haven't made an impression on me yet. I like that. It shows you don't care what others think of you. Ten points to Hufflepuff."
"Wow, Professor Snape, you're like the coolest teacher ever suddenly!" said Harry.
"Damn straight," he said, "All right, everyone open up your potions books," and they did take out their Potions textbook, which was just a Chemistry textbook with "Potions" written overtop the old title.
After that, Harry and his friends had Herbology with the Gryffindors. This was his chance to reconnect with his old friends, as having to deal with stand-ins was pretty awkward. Harry had kept asking Hannah about her Muggle dentist parents and Trevor about all his brothers. Even worse, without Hermione he had to do his homework himself. But already his fiddling with the time-stream had caused things to become quite unstable. "Who's that badass?" Trevor asked as someone entered the room.
"Sup bitches, I'm Ron Kick-Ass Weasley," said Ron, who wore sunglasses and a black leather jacket. "This here is my best friend, Neville Ladykiller Longbottom." Neville had an eyeptach and a robot arm.
"What? That's weird. I knew Ron and Neville before, and they weren't anything like this," Harry said. He decided to quickly cover for himself, adding "I meant I met them on the train, not that I'm from the future." Finding strange looks from his friends, he changed the subject, "Where'd he get a robot arm anyways?"
"And how did an 11 year old kid get an eyepatch?" Trevor asked.
"He's a badass, that's how. He must eat sand and shit glass!" Hannah said dreamily.
"This is bad, I have to go talk to my painting about this!" Harry said, leaving the table and running back to his room.
"That's the weirdest euphemism for going to the bathroom I've ever heard," said Professor Sprout. "All right everybody, open up Beginner Plantography to page xix, and take a look at the acknowledgments. This book wouldn't be here without those people."
Harry ran through the halls of Hogwarts, bumping into Professor McGonagall. "Oh, sorry Professor," he said.
"Running in the halls, Potter?" She somehow knew his name despite him not having Transfiguration yet, "And during class time? Where are you supposed to be?"
It was time for a gambit. "Where are YOU supposed to be?" he asked.
"I was just…uh, on my smoke break while the kids practice making…why am I answering you? Fifteen points from Hufflepuff. And get back to class."
"Uh, I forgot my plant-handling tongs. I need to get them from my room."
"Ok, but if you aren't back in class, I will see to it that you get punished severely."
"Did someone say punished Severus?" Snape said, entering the hall. "Ah, Potter, there you are. I told you to not stomp around the halls so much." He turned to McGonagall, "I told him to get some supplies for me on his way to class. I wrote a pass for him and everything." He presented her with a hallpass that looked legit.
"I see. Well, in that case, Potter, the nest time you are on a teacher's orders to be somewhere, kindly tell me that instead of coming up with weak excuses," McGonagall said, going back to her cigarette.
"Uh, yes, sorry Professor," he said, "And thank you," he never would have thought Snape would save him from detention like that.
"Yes, yes, run along."
"Why did you help me like that?"
"You remind me of your mother- I used to be a friend of hers." Oh, is that what they're calling stalkers these days? He gave him the hallpass and went back to his dungeon.
Harry hurried along his way. Had that attempt to get on Snape's good side actually worked for real? He went back to the Hufflepuff Common room and lifted up his mattress. "Dumbledore painting!" He said, "Things have changed! Like, seriously!"
"Really? Like how?"
"Ron and Neville are badasses! Even though I didn't go that far back…what's happening?"
"The timeline is too unstable, it might mean," the painting paused, "Perhaps other time travelers are working to change this time period as well."
"But who?"
"I don't know. I would say you repeat what happened in your first year exactly. If you change things too much, you run the risk of all your future knowledge becoming worthless. What else has changed?"
"Well, now Snape's a pretty cool guy to me."
"Snape was always a pretty cool guy. Once, he and I went to a strip club, and I gave this chick a Galleon to put her boobs on his head. But then he made the fat stripper give me a lap dance, so he won that night."
"Wait," Harry asked, confused, "Do you mean YOU you or actual human Dumbledore you?"
"Oh, I get it, I'm not an actual human, I'm just a painting. But yeah, it was me."
"Why did Snape take a painting to a strip club?"
"Maybe you might have realized this sometime in the thirty whatever years you've been alive, but Snape is not very good in social situations."
"Good point," Harry agreed, "Ok, so what do I do to preserve the timeline?"
"I don't know, at this point maybe you should just cut your losses and go straight for the Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stone."
Despite hearing this advice, Harry decided to arbitrarily wait until almost the end of the year to do anything about it. He, Hannah, and Trevor were walking back from dinner one night when he suddenly remembered this. "Hey, we should probably check out this spooky forbidden door they told us to never go into."
"Yeah! Maybe if we do, people will say we're as cool as Ron and Neville!" said Trevor.
"I don't know, maybe we should think this through," Hannah said, before busting up laughing, "I'm just kidding. Let's run in there and start blindly slinging spells!"
"Hell yeah!" cheered Harry, and he and his new friends all clacked knuckles. They kicked open the door, finding Ron, Hermione, and Neville fighting Fluffy. "Oh yeah, forgot about that dog."
"Wait, why are you guys here?" asked Trevor.
"Word is the legendary Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stone is at the bottom of the school," said Ron, "And that if you collect all seven of them, you can wish for anything!" He dodged a swipe of Fluffy's paws and punched it in the nose, knocking one of the heads unconscious.
"Do you think these Hufflepuffs are trying to get the Stone for themselves?" asked Neville as he quickly adjusted the settings on his robot arm. The hand shifted into a gun, and he used it to fire off a powered up Stupefy spell blasting another of the dog's heads into unconsciousness.
"Not if we get it first!" said Ron, "All right Hermione, finish it off!"
Hermione nodded, and fired a Stupefy spell as hard as she could. Harry could sense the power put behind her attack as the dog fell to the ground, still breathing, but out cold.
"Wait, we could all help each other," Harry said.
"Typical Hufflepuff Let's-All-Be-Friends rhetoric," snarled Ron, who in the other timeline probably wouldn't even know what the word rhetoric meant.
"That being said, it might be useful," said Hermione. Harry knew he could count on her to be sensible. "There are supposed to be many trials down there, we could use the help."
"All right," said Ron, "But I'm the leader, got it? No matter if you're Harry Goddamn Potter."
"Right," said Harry, but the others pulled him aside.
"They seem to be jerks," said Trevor.
"Seriously!" agreed Hannah, "I just want to punch that stupid other Weasley in the face. Neville's ok, though."
"We can't let someone bad take the stone, though, we need to bring it to Dumbledore so he can hide it somewhere better," Harry said.
"Ok, sure," they shrugged, and they rejoined the Gryffindors who were about to head down into the Devil's Snare. The rest of the trials went pretty easily, as Harry had done them already, except when they got to the logic puzzle. The first time around he had just tuned everything out until Hermione told him which one to drink.
"There's only enough for one of us to drink," said Hermione, as luckily the same thing happened and she solved it herself.
"Not it," Trevor said.
"I'll do it," said Harry.
"Like hell you will!" Ron said, butting in front of him. "This time a Weasley gets to be the hero!"
"That doesn't rule out me," Hannah stared him down. "I'm a Weasley, even if I don't share any relation to you!"
"I already said I'd do it!" Harry shouted.
"On second thought, this doesn't seem so bad," Trevor shrugged, "I'll do it too."
"Maybe I should do it, what if there are more logic puzzles?" Hermione reasoned.
"You guys," said Neville, "I just knocked down the wall with my kickass robot arm, we can all go," indeed he had, and the six were in the chamber with the Mirror of Backwards Desire. Also there was Professor Quirrel, who, spoiler, was Voldemort.
"Kill the spare," Voldemort hissed.
"But there are like, five spares," said Quirrel. He took off his turban, revealing Voldemort.
"So THAT's why you kept trying to take his turban off!" Hannah said, "You really weren't just being racist!"
"Ok, there are five spares, but they're all eleven, this should be really easy," reasoned Voldemort.
"Oh no you don't!" Harry said, but he was elbowed aside by Ron.
"Everyone get back, it's me he wants!" Ron bellowed, raising his wand to duel with Voldemort.
"Is this kid joking? Avada-" before he could finish, he was hit in the stomach by six Stupefy spells, and he collapsed to the ground.
"I've got him, don't worry!" Harry said, charging headlong into Quirrel and touching his face.
"What are you doing?" Hannah asked. "Are you going to make out with him?"
"Maybe this could work," reasoned Trevor, "It could get Quirrel fired."
"Wait, why isn't this killing you?" Harry wondered, "Oh, right! I'm not a Horcrux anymore!"
"Hor-what?" asked Quirrel.
"Never you mind Quirrel!" Voldemort said, "Just kill Potter and get that stone!" Quirrel fired a blast of spell energy, while Harry dodged and counterattacked. Since Voldemort wasn't using his wand, just Quirrel's, he could not count on using Priori Incantantem to make a beam struggle. He could, however, count on his future magical strength to completely blow Voldemort away with a new spell he just came up with.
"Destroyus Voldemortus!" Harry said, waving his wand. Everyone in the chamber stared at him, including his parents from within the mirror. "Yeah, I don't know why I thought that would work. Sorry everybody, that was my bad," he admitted. "Oh, wait! Reducto!" He fired a burst at Quirrel, who did not see this coming, and it exploded. This is what I never got- there's a curse for killing people, and that's totally evil, but a spell that blows things up is not only allowed but taught in schools. It's like a society outlaws handguns but teaches children how to use dynamite. Wait, was Reducto a cutting spell? That's just as bad.
"Well, Quirrel, this has been fun old boy, but I need to be on my way," said Voldemort as he peeled himself from the back of the teacher's skull. "As for you, Potter and his assorted group of friends, I'll be back! In only three years, if my current plan holds up!" He disappeared into ether.
Dumbledore walked through the broken hole in the wall. "Ah, there you all are."
"Headmaster Dumbledore!" gasped Hermione, "What are you doing here?"
"Hm? I was just wandering. Figured I'd check on the old eternal life stone, but it seemed Quirrel beat me to it…what's wrong with his head?"
"It's a long story," Harry began.
"Well come along, we'll head to the Great Hall, and we can discuss what happened over giant sandwiches." They explained what they saw, Harry playing dumb the whole time. "Well, I've always said Voldemort's weakness was that he had no friends. So, by showing up with six of you there it probably made him go like "aw man, that sucks, they have so many more friends than I do": which is probably why you beat him. I do find it a bit hard to believe six eleven year olds were able to handle the Dark Lord himself, though. Perhaps if there were five eleven year olds, and one adult who had come back in time to Peggy Sue himself a better history- I could buy that," he glared at Ron suspiciously during this last part. "Well, these giant sandwiches always go through me faster than Mexican food, so I'll be on my way," Dumbledore said, heading to the nearest bathroom that had shifted near them. They heard his screams of terror, "Oh Wizard God! Stop singing!"
They also heard the cause of his shouts, a chilling song that drifted on the wind, "And my dream girl is oh-so pretty, and I'd really really love it if she sat on my face."
"I can't decide if that's better or worse than eating an earwax flavored bean the first time around," Harry said.
Just to answer this, Dumbledore then shouted, "Oh, no! The door's broken! Somebody get Hagrid!"
"Ok, it's worse," he decided.
"Agh!" Dumbledore cried, "Flibbertygibbet, this is all your fault you wonderful son of a bitch!"
It was time to go home for the summer, and all the students were gathering at the train station. "I swear, it seems like each year goes by faster and faster," said Cedric.
"Well, I'll see you guys next year," said Harry to his new friends, "I've got to go back at home with the DUMBsleys," Not getting the joke, Hannah and Trevor smiled politely, "Wait, maybe I should've said the JERKsleys, am I right? Heh, Jerksleys. That's good."
"Hey!" called Ron. He, Neville and Hermione came up to Harry. "Look, mate, sorry about the attitude I gave you the other day with that guy with the other face. But that was real stand-up of you the way you leapt in front of me to take the spell for me. So I'm going to let you be part of my entourage."
"Can't we just be friends?" Harry asked.
"Hm…Ok, that works too. Your friends seem all right too, so they can be respective friends with Neville and Hermione." He heard his mother, and tried to play this off as cool, "Well, that's my old lady. See you around, Harry."
"See you later, Ron, you're a true bro," said Harry, as he and Ron bumped fists. As he got on the train ride, he took out that sheet of paper he had started writing when he first got to the past. Next to a bulletpoint he labeled "Events of Year One" he put a checkmark.
NEXT TIME: With Quirrel defeated and Voldemort set back, Harry is all set to tackle the events of Year Two and the spooky diary that mindcontrols people. But when Draco realizes he wasn't in Chapter One at all, will he take out his revenge on Harry? Also, will Quidditch happen (I'm thinking no)? Also the timeline is getting increasingly effed up when another time traveler appears! Is it Sirius, who actually had been sent back in time after all? Or is it someone evil? Are those really the only two possible options for it? Find out, in the next exciting-but-not-like-sexually-exciting chapter of Harry Potter and the Time Travel Related Pun!