I am so excited.
Clare has finally agreed to spend the night with me.
Not like that, but still…it's a step in that direction.
And frankly, I don't care if we keep all our clothes on tonight and don't touch anything. Just being with Clare, feeling her warm body against mine as we sleep…that's enough for me.
I want to have sex more than ever though, after Julia died and the bigger waves of grief past I began to feel -and I'm ashamed to say this- horny.
We'd done it so much that I guess I'm experiencing…sexual withdrawal? I feel like such a pervert; but I can't help it. I would if I could, believe me I don't like having to wash and change my sheets every day. But the wet dreams of Clare keep getting more vivid, and the mere thought of her will sometimes be enough to make me hard. It's ridiculous, really, and kinda embarrassing.
But I meant what I told her that one day at Little Miss Steaks. I got the memo about her and sex, and if she wants to wait, then that's the way it's gonna be.
It sure as HELL isn't MY favorite thing, but I'm bigger than putting pressure on her. I'm a lot of things, but not a perverted, pressuring boyfriend.
I won't do that to my Clare. When we do have sex (I think we will one day…God I HOPE we will.) it'll be beautiful and romantic and lovely, everything that Clare wants it to be. And it will happen when SHE'S ready.
So I might have to make a trip to the bathroom once she falls asleep tonight to prevent any accidental wetting…oh well. Clare will fall asleep in my arms and in my bed tonight.
I went downstairs, checking the fridge just to make sure I have everything.
Clare mentioned to me once that she likes to cook, so I figure we can make spaghetti together for dinner tonight. I got a cake from the grocery store and even some champagne (as well as sparkling cider since I doubt she'll agree to the former), I really want tonight to be special.
"Have everything you need for tonight Eli?" I heard Bullfrog say from behind me.
Luckily my parents are going out tonight, probably to some crazy radio convention, and won't be back till like three in the morning, so Clare and I can have some peace and romance.
"Yup." I said.
My dad took a condom out of his pocket and waved it in front of me, raising his eyebrows.
"Everything?"
I rolled my eyes and my face flushed red as my dad laughed. "Dad…I don't NEED those tonight." I said, trying to keep the embarrassment and agitation out of my voice.
My dad sighed. "C'mon son. Even if she's on the pill you know you should still use condoms! The pill isn't always one hundred percent effective, hell if it was, you wouldn't be here!"
My eyes widened and Bullfrog seemed to realize his mistake.
"Oh…uh…I mean…you were a…pleasant surprise?" He tried, cracking a smile.
If I wasn't an atheist, I'd ask God for different parents.
Oh I take it back…but seriously, c'mon.
"Long story short, use condoms." He said, and walked away chuckling and muttering about teenagers in love.
My mother walked in from the other room and opened her mouth to explain.
"You were NOT a mistake baby! You were…a…a-…" She struggled to find a synonym for mistake that made it sound better.
I rolled my eyes. "It's fine mom." I shook my head and smirked. My parents…
"But you really should use condoms honey." She said and grinned at me sheepishly.
I didn't say anything and she seemed to get it.
"Unless you're not having sex."
I widened my eyes and nodded to acknowledge that she was right and she shifted uncomfortably.
"How do you-…you don't have a problem with that, do you Eli?"
I shook my head adamantly. "If you mean am I going to pressure her, of course not. Never. But do I wish I could actually use those condoms you and dad bought for me? Well yeah."
She laughed, and I couldn't believe that I was actually having this conversation with my mother. Then I remembered she was MY mother…
"I know you won't baby. Just remember how special the first time is for a girl. Or even for a guy." She said.
My face fell a little when I remembered my first time. Don't get me wrong, it had been…perfect. But the girl I'd shared it with was no longer with me, and that kind of put a damper on things.
I nodded. "I know mom. And…if her first time ends up being with me, I'll make it perfect. And it will happen on her call."
Cece smiled. "That's my boy." She ruffled my hair and left.
I really love my mom. She always knows what to say.
-xxx-
The doorbell rang and my heart dropped to my stomach. Why the hell am I so nervous?
I ran downstairs and opened the door to let Clare in.
She smiled when she saw me, and my heart shot back up to my chest and pounded rapidly.
She was wearing a short black dress and a faded denim jacket, and her hair was curled into perfection. She gazed at me with her perky, crystal blue eyes.
How can one girl be this beautiful?
"Hey." I said, grinning as I stepped aside to let her in.
"Hi Eli."
I closed the door behind her and stared at her for a moment, taking her in.
She blushed and looked away. "What?" She murmured.
"Nothing. You look beautiful tonight." I said lowly.
She looked at me then with wide eyes and smiled, and it seemed like she was even holding back a little. It warmed me to know that my compliment had made her feel that good.
She met my eyes then and then she opened her mouth to say something I only ever dreamed I'd hear her say.
"I love you."
I love you… her words echoed in my head.
I can't speak; I can only stare at her incredulously as she smiles meekly and meets my eyes, wondering what I'm going to say in response…
I guess I took too long, because her face fell and she reached for the door knob. "Oh God…" She muttered and I saw tears well up in her eyes.
"Clare, wait!" I grabbed her arm and pulled her back to me, wincing when I saw the look on her face.
How can I explain to her that I'm just so…shocked? That the fact that she….Clare Edwards…actually loves me is…too good to be true.
"Really?" The word tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop it.
"Huh?" She asked with a sniffle.
I started rubbing up and down her arms as I pushed her up against the wall.
"Do you really love me Clare?" I asked, my face inches from hers.
"Well…yes Eli. But if you don't love me-…"
"You're SO stupid." I said, smirking a little.
She stared at me open-mouthed.
"Look Eli, you don't need to kick me when I'm down, you could've just said you don't feel the same way-…"
"So stupid." I murmured again.
"You're stupid for loving someone like me…and you're even stupider for thinking for one second that I don't love you back. Clare, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Of COURSE I love you!"
A tear fell down her cheek and I kissed it away.
"Oh, well, in that case-…"
I crashed my lips to hers and wouldn't let her finish her sentence.
My heart was flying. We finally said it.
This is the best night of my life.