I have started to count the days. I have started to count the days that I want to die. Today it's the first day. My mother helps commit my slow suicide by torturing me. She made me swallow bleach. My throat is raw and burns and I can't even speak properly. Anything above a weak whisper is too much. My eyes are itchy and are stinging like a burn. Dark amber mixing in with the soft shade of red my eyes are giving out. Not tears, but my clear allergy to that dangerous chemical that ripped the first layer of skin inside my throat off. I'm coughing. My coughs don't even make a sound anymore. I tried to talk, but I barely can.
I'm walking down the street, and see my best friend Sakura Kinomoto. She's the only one to know the pain I go through. I told her about me not being treated very well back at home, but she doesn't know about my mother's new games. I intend to tell her, and I also want to tell her how much she really means to me. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. If there's a good reason for me to not want to die, it's her.
As I come in front of her, my hand reaches out to her auburn tresses. My fingers glide through her silky straight locks, and I give a weak smile. "Ohayo, Sakura-chan." I whisper. My voice sounds as if my voice box was broken. Maybe it really is.
"Syaoran-kun, daijoubu?" She asks. Her emerald orbs look concerned. I want to caress her eyes with mine, and I want to kiss them tenderly, to show her that I'm all right, even if I'm not. She looks at me with those almond-shaped eyes. Her beautiful lips are in a frown as she realizes that I've been in contact with bleach.
"Please tell me what's wrong... why have you been in contact with bleach? Was it your mother?" She asks demandingly. I let a sigh escape my lips and flow into the wind. I close my eyes so she won't see their uglyness. "Hai. She's been making these... games. It's torturing. She made me drink bleach today." My voice is so ugly. I can't even stand to hear myself.
"Oh, Syaoran-kun!" She cries. Tears are pouring out of her eyes. Crystalline drops of worry form a clear trail down her pretty fair cheeks. She enlaces her arms around my neck and pulls me close into an embrace. I automatically place my hands on her back and start rubbing it comfortally. She hiccups. She doesn't know that her tears sting like acid as it touches my skin.
Her body seems frail against mine. She slowly brings back her arms and I remove my hands from her back. She pulls my head gently onto her shoulder and starts to stroke my dark hair. She says "How can she do a thing like that? How?"
"I don't know." I mutter. My nose is breathing in the scent of cherry blossoms. I feel like Sakura and I are the only ones there. Though I'm so close to her my heart is shattering like glass. It's piercing everything inside my body. Though I have her as a best friend, I can't help but want more of her.
I just want her to be mine...
Today it is the second day I have considered suicide. My mother now did not make me drink bleach, but she now mixed ammonia with it in a bucket, dropped a rag into it, and then threw it onto my face. She used her hands to keep the cloth on my face. That intoxicating smell fogged my mind, made my eyes water, and made me sneeze constantly. I'm coughing. My temperature is running up. I'm dizzy, and my vision is fogged up. I stumble outside my house to see Sakura at the front door. Before I fall she grabs my arms and encircles them around her waist.
"Hmm, hey." I mumble. My eyes are really heavy. They manage to stay focused onto her delicate face. She places her hand onto my forehead and rubs it gently. I close my eyes. Her hands feel cool. She takes her hand away.
"What did she do to you this time?" She asked, dreading the answer. Her eyes threatning to spill tears once more. Before they fall out, I wipe them away with my thumb. Her skin was so soft and sensitive. I didn't want to break her with my screwed-up fingers.
"Ammonia... bleach... rag... smell... so dizzy..." I couldn't speak in sentences. Tears did not fall out of my eyes. They never fall out. My face is still dripping with that acidy substance. Sakura takes out a handkerchief and rubs it against parts of my face, one at a time. After she's done I shake my head violently and try to dry my hair, but instead it makes me dizzier.
"Syaoran-kun, why won't you tell someone about it?" She pleads. Her voice is pleading, her eyes are pleading, her lips are pleading. Every little part of her is pleading. I shake my head and she understands. She knows I still love my mom.
She nods but her eyes are still pleading. "I know you love her, but she treats you so badly... I don't want you hurt." She says, placing a hand on my cheek. She's really warm. I take her hand away from my face and we walk to school.
That's when I think: Damn, I still can't tell her that I love her...
Third day, an even worse punishment. My left arm is aching. I still have the fever from yesterday. My mother pulled my arm. Suddenly we both heard a noise, and then I couldn't move my arm at all. She threw me onto the floor and stepped on me as she went to go to work. I dragged my body half-way through school and see Sakura once again waiting for me.
She touches my arm, asking me if I feel it. I shake my head, and she tells me that I should get help. I still shake my head. She looks at me sadly, and my heart breaks even more. She's disappointed in me. My best friend and the girl I love is disappointed in me. Suddenly I decide to place a small kiss on her forehead. I tell her that I'll be all right.
"No you won't." She replies coldly. She tries to be menacing, but her voice is cracking "You won't be all right. Syaoran-kun, can't you see that you won't be okay?"
I sigh and smooth the hair on the top of her head. Her eyes soften. She knows that I don't want her to worry. She looks away for a second and then says "My friends don't want us to be friends anymore... they call you names. I really don't like it."
I nod and start walking. Her friends never liked me. They called me a suicidal outcast, and I don't really blame them. If I was them, I'd call myself that too. I absent-mindedly scratched my head; that doesn't really make sense, does it?
Sakura clasped her hand on mine. I look at her, and she gives me a sad smile. I kiss her forehead again and tell her that I'm all right for now. I love the taste of her skin... I wonder if her lips are the same. She's delicious, and I can't help but admit it. Milk and honey, that's her skin. If that's her skin, her lips are chocolate.
Fourth. Can't even speak. Was strangled. I'm wheezing. Sakura is right next to me as I'm breathing heavily, trying to take in as much air as I can. We are sitting on the sidewalk. People are staring at the beautiful girl and the outcast sitting next to each other as the girl pats the guy's back and the guy looks like he's choking.
She's whispering comforting words as I continue to take in as much air as possible. She knows I can't speak. She takes my hand. I want to smile at her but I can't. "You're not going to tell anyone, are you?" She asks. I shake my head.
I can't take in air. I'm falling onto the floor and hitting my head onto the concrete. I feel like I'm about to die. Sakura has her hand on my face, she's screaming my name. I'm hearing her. I grab her hand tightly and say "I'm all right, I really am. Don't worry your head on it Sakura-chan."
Her voice became softer and softer, and now I knew that there was only a few days left in my life. I made it a mission that by the end of this week, I'd tell her how I felt.
Fifth. I'm so weak. My body is on the floor. I can't move. Was beaten and bruised and battered until I cried. Mother forced the tears out of me, but now I'm crying. Maybe I should tell someone about it. I missed school. I couldn't get up for it. It's 1:30 PM. I'm breathing heavily and everything is so painful. I want to die, but I'm not going to until I tell Sakura about my feelings.
I hear noises outside. Sakura comes running through the front door. "I knew something had happened to you..." she whispers. She drops to her knees in front of me and kisses my forehead tenderly. Her soft lips touching my forehead. She knows everything suddenly.
I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her close. Not in any romantic way, in just a friendly hug. I love her so much, and she's the only reason I would stay alive. She 'shh's me as I sob. I am sobbing, after a long time of not shedding a single tear.
"Syaoran-kun, I can't stand this anymore. You make me cry at night. Every night I cry and I cry, knowing you'll be even worse in the morning. I'm sorry, I can't see you anymore... it hurts me too much. Gomen ne, Syaoran-kun." She says.
That made me feel so bad. I made her cry. That made me want to kill myself right then and there, but I know that she's right. I smile a pitiful smile and say "I understand. You don't need to be my friend."
"What? I want to be your friend, but I don't want to see you hurt..." She stops and runs back. She missed school because of me. I feel really bad.
I'm in the hospital. I was too weak to run from that truck. I'm dying. I know I am... and I'm so lonely. I miss Sakura. I wonder if she misses me. Tomorrow will be the end of the week, and if I don't tell her, I wouldn't be fulfilling my mission, and I don't want that. I hear the noises. The police found out about my mother. She hates me now. She's in jail for child abuse.
A tear slips off my eye. I want Sakura to be here with me...
She came. She really wants to remain my friend. She is now clutching on my left hand as my eyes turn to hers and my throat feels strange. I have to tell her today. I have to tell her. It's the seventh day; she needs to know.
"Sakura-chan..." I whisper. She leans close to me to hear me. "Sakura-chan, I love you so much." I finish.
She doesn't understand. She thinks that I love her as a friend, so she says "I love you too, Syaoran-kun. I always have." She kisses my forehead. I close my eyes and sigh. She doesn't understand me.
"No, what I mean is..." My right thumb and index finger grab her chin gently. I pull her face closer to mine, and our foreheads touch. Her eyes are wide and confused. Our noses touch. My breath is warming her face and her breath is warming mine. Finally our lips touch.
I was right, her lips do taste like chocolate. Though my body is aching I pull her above me, but my hands remain on her chin and on her hair. I open my eyes just a little to see that her eyes are closed and relaxed. She's kissing me back as softly as I am. I slide my tongue inside her mouth and the chocolate taste fills my tongue with sweetness. Her tongue touches mine and explores my mouth as well. She's a really good kisser.
We pull away, foreheads still touching. The taste of her kiss still lingers on my mouth. She relaxes in my arms, and I close my eyes. "That's what I mean." I say.
"Mmm-hmm..." She mumbles. Though my body is aching I can't feel her against me. I reach out to stroke her hair. I can see that her eyes are closed and there is a smile dancing on her lips. I smile as well, but soon I feel weaker and weaker. She looks up at me and sees my worried face.
"Daijoubu Syaoran-kun?" She says softly, stroking my hair as well. Pain reaches inside my heart. "I'm going to die..." I mutter sadly "I told myself that I wouldn't die until I showed you how I felt, and now I did. I'm going to die."
"No... this can't be..." She tells herself. She buries her head on my neck and says "I don't want you to die."
"Gomen ne." That was my last word. I feel myself slip away from life, but I am somewhat satisfied. At least I died with Sakura in my arms. At least I fulfilled my mission.
The last thing I can feel and hear was sobbing... and a soft kiss from that delicious mouth.
I know that at least I fulfilled my mission, but I make myself another:
That I'd love her forever.