Addictive Duet
Cold. Cold. Cold cold cold cold COLD!! He moaned and tried to roll closer to the heater he had been snuggling against. The bed rose as the other body left it and he surrendered the fight for warmth. Moaning his irritation he blinked his eyes from the morning light and sat up, still shivering. After his sight returned, he glanced around the other's room, searching for said missing body. He was met by a strong, muscled back, blanketed in smooth skin, still laced with the marks he'd put there last night. Quietly he approached the body that was attempting to fasten the button on its jeans. He wrapped his arms smoothly around the broad chest and ran his tongue along the taunt skin on his shoulder blade.
"Aaddaaammm…," the taller moaned his name in both pleasure and slight irritation. The hot piece of gorgeous flesh left his arms to search for a shirt. "We've got to go, we're gonna be late already and we've got to come up with an excuse for being tardy AND showing up together." He sat back on the bed and looked at his hands.
Here it was, the epitome of his inner demon that had been growling for a few months now. Was it wrong to be sick to his stomach of hiding? He was tired of seeking around. Not able to walk down the school halls together. Tired of jumping at ever noise whenever they finally did get some time to themselves. Or the looks he saw other single guys giving HIS boyfriend because they didn't know he was taken, those looks that made his head spin with dizzying fury. He HATED all the girls that hit on HIS boyfriend because none but their families knew the taller was even gay.
"What's wrong?" His lover said, kneeling between his feet and looking up at him. "You haven't said a word." He felt a warm hand stroke his cheek and another squeeze his knee. He sucked in air and prayed this would work.
"Jay… what if we told them the truth?"
"What?" Jay cocked his head.
"I'm tired of hiding this, we've been dating for five months and no one but our parents know, why do we keep hiding it?" Jay's eyes widened in shock and maybe a bit of fear, before he quickly schooled his features into a calm mask. As he pushed finger's in his hair, sighed and looked at the ground.
I'm scared, Adam. What will people do when they find out? You heard about that footballer- that quarterbacks? He told the team he was gay, and they beat him up. I heard that
for a while the doctor's weren't sure he'd see out of his left eye ever again. That was a month ago." Adam sighed heavily.
"Jay, did you hear about what happened to the guys that did it? They were expelled and they're facing a court hearing that'll land them in ju-ve if not hard time jail. Plus, footballers are stupid, shallow-minded idiots, bandies are nothing like that. I've been openly gay for a year and a half now and no one's touched me. Ya, I get comments, but who cares?"
"I don't know, I just don't know." Jay stood, shaking his head and went back to dressing like that was it. Adam stalled, that little voice was back, asking that damned question again, whispering, and ordering that he voice the real concern that's always been there, at the back of his mind every hour of every day. Did he really want to say it? What would Jay's answer be? Did he really want to know?
"O-or are you not… not really worried about that? Do you just n-not want to be with… me?" And even before the question was finished he felt his heartstrings wrench away from the guilt and over bearing emotion that came with actually saying it, giving deafening sound to turmoil.
"How could you say that," for a moment Jay sounded furious, but his timbre softened, "I die when I'm not near you. When I can't hold you, touch you, kiss you every day, it's like half my body's gone numb."
'All he wants is your body,' the needling voice said, 'he didn't say anything about talking to you, listening to you, or just being with you… and there was certainly nothing in there about loving you.'
"If it really hurt the way you say it does, then you wouldn't hesitate to take this step. I wish I could say that just knowing you like me is enough. But more and more I get the feeling like all you're doing is talking, stringing me along because I'm useful. You're always first to pull away, you're the one locking doors and hiding in closets. Not me, and I can't take this. God forgive me but I CAN'T have my soul ripped out through my heart again. I-I can't go thr-through hell… again… I won't survive."
He could feel the rain that threatened to fall. He wrapped his arms around himself, praying it would halt the downpour. He felt like a self-fish attention whore. Who was he to ask for more from the best guy he'd ever met in the world? How could he expect to find real happiness? Him, the unnatural, ugly, perverted, wrong, GAY filth, doomed to float around in the world, alone, until someone had the mercy to end his misery. But he had to, he had to push the limits and break the rules. He had to have more, and what he wanted wasn't entirely out of reach, was it?
He felt arms wrap around his miserable frame. Jay. Pain shattered the remaining walls and sorrow crashed through his light body. Here he was, in the arms of the most amazing, loving man he could ever dreamt of, and all he could do is think about himself and demand absolute perfection.
'You don't deserve to be with him.'
'Leave him, let him love a person who could actually love him back.'
'He doesn't really love you anyways, why bother.'
These thoughts launched through his frame, attacking every nerve, tissue and cell in his body.
'Leave him,' and he did.
Tearing himself away from the loving arms of his saving grace, he pulled his dirty cloths on, ignoring the words and hands of his angel as they tried to make him stay. He tore out of the house and down the street. Home.
He didn't go to band practice that day. After racing through his home to his room he slammed into the bed sheets. He tried with everything he had but the anguish tore sobs from his chest and pain from his eyes. Adam wished for numbness, to loose every human emotion, anything, ANYTHING, to just make the world, his room, his family, and JP go away. Squeezing his eyes tight against the onslaught, never noticing when he slipped from painful reality to nightmarish dreams.
'loud, Loud, LOUD!!' Out of habit his arm shot from under the covers, and hit the off button on his alarm. Grumbling he turned over and was met by sunlight, and flinched.
'You'd thing someone as smart as you would learn not to do that, didn't you just do this yesterday?' Images invaded his mind, 'oh GOD!' He slammed his eyes shut hoping to return to a restless sleep, too bad the sunlight wouldn't stand for it. He curled his fingers into the material of his pillow… and touched paper. Opening his eyes he read the message on the sticky note.
"I called you in sick for today, so don't worry. Pancakes are in the microwave and I'll be home by 1 pm. Feel better Honey
Mom "
Sometimes he loved his Mom.
He returned to school the day after. Writing off his two day absence as sickness and refusing to go anywhere near the band room, hoping to avoid Jay altogether. It worked all day until 3rd Block: Jazz Band. Even then he avoided him, walking in five minutes late, so he couldn't stop to chat and JP was already at his piano. The Director kept them working, jumping from song to song, part to part. He worked them so hard he didn't have time to feel awkward.
Just near the end of class, the director told them to take out the last song. This song was wholly unremarkable except that Adam had a solo at the very end.
"OK, guys here's how this is gonna work. When Adam's solo starts you're all gonna grab your chairs and stands and get off the stage. Terry can you get Adam's stand too? And Ash, you need to get his chair. Jay; you're gonna fold up your music and close the piano but don't leave. Adam, I want you to stand up, kinda saunter over and sit down on the piano chair with Jay and finish the solo. Any questions? Good. See you next class, have a good afternoon."
Adam bolted.
All week. All week he'd managed to stay away from Jay. Despite the major walking through the halls, and even standing outside his classes and sending other people after him. Despite the way his arms and legs just wanted to walk over to him and grab on and stay there. Despite the way he felt as though he was drowning, being smothered by the happy feelings and images that kept resurfacing. Despite how tired he'd become by not being able to sleep as 'maybes' and 'what ifs' and memories danced just above his blood-shot eyes.
Jay as he walked into Adam's room at six in the morning with a tray of food.
Jay as he moaned in happiness as Adam slowly worked the tension and stress form his muscles.
Jay as he kissed down Adam's throat and purred playfully in his ear.
Jay as Adam watched him tune the timpani from across the room.
Jay as he disregarded all the girls flirting with him and caught Adam's eyes and winked.
Jay telling him every day that he was beautiful.
Jay whispering lightly in Adam's ear making the hairs on his neck stand up.
Jay, Jay, Jay… Jay.
Yet finally, today he hadn't seen the senior at all. No more people asking him if he was alright or questioning why he wouldn't talk to the drummer, or why he refused to go near the band room.
He knew how awful he looked. He knew how worried his new image made his family, friends, and even teachers. His mirror's eyes were hollowed, dull and lifeless. Dark red circles haunted the skin around his eyes and faded to pale, sickly skin. His hair remained in the permanent state of an unkempt nest. Hands shook and he ran out of energy quickly, having to sit down a lot. He faltered and often caught his foot on nothing but air. He couldn't help it when he wrench his head around at the mention of Jay's name, or secretly look for him in the halls. He hated himself when memories would rage before him when he passed an inconspicuous closest or they way he couldn't look force his eyes to look at the practice room door. The practice room, the place where it all started. Worst of all was the band room, where every thought and feeling that ever passed through him over the last few months flooded back through him like the monster waves that sank Atlantis. And the texts.
"I miss you"
"Please talk to me"
"I'm dying, Adam"
"I need you"
"You're beautiful"
They all ripped his heart out, or the tattered remnants of said useless organ. But he knew, he didn't deserve all that Jay was giving him. If he could only think about his own discomfort, he wasn't worth the beautiful blue eyes that used to soothe every pore of his soul. 'Just a little longer' he told himself, "Just a little longer before Jay realizes I was right, and he gives up trying to fix what isn't right, just a little longer and he'll stop and find someone new, and then, then I'll be happy again, cause he's happy.' He said that, and knew it wasn't true, he wouldn't be happy when Jay finally saw reason, but he'd deal with the throbbing numbness that would come.
Today… today was different from all the others in this hell week. He hadn't seen the older once, nor had any band kids come to try and drag him to the band room. Nothing. And he realized how much his small tortured world had still depended on seeing that tall, strong figure.
'This is what you wanted; you wanted him to move on, even if you can't.' He berated himself as he sat beside his mom, in the car, as they drove to the long awaited concert.
"You can't avoid him forever Adam." He looked over at her.
"And why not?"
Pause. She looked him in the eyes, and spoke. She put it so bluntly it sent his brain reeling in chaos, confusion, denial, and above all… recognition.
"Because you love each other." He turned to look out the window.
"I know. I love him… god do I love him, but that's exactly why. He needs someone who doesn't demand his entire life. He's earned that. Someone who… someone" he staggered for a bit, his voice breaking as he swallowed the anguish, "who is-isn't me."
If emotions could kill, he'd be stone cold.
"Adam, he fallows you at school, he calls our house and your sell, and he even shows up at home; hoping-praying and begging to see you." He wished it could rain inside, cause then he could say it was water droplets that scorched paths down his face.
"Exactly, and all I did was get upset at what he wouldn't give me versus how much he's already given up for me. He has a natural right to a person who isn't a selfish as I am." His mom sighed as she pulled up next to the band room.
"Ok, good luck," she kissed him on the forehead, 'Jay used to do that to me.' "Don't worry about that solo, you'll do fine and I'll see you alter." He nodded and left, beginning the preparations for the concert.
He walked in the door and immediately scanned the room for Jay, not finding him; he hung up his uniform and talked to the Joshes for a bit, all the while looking.
"Adam," he snapped his focus back to Josh Hall, who was looking completely out of character, with a serious expression on his dark face, "he's in with the director, some last-minute planning."
"Wh-what," he stuttered hoping his face wasn't red, "who?" Josh Spicer stood beside his friend with raised eyebrows and a look that said 'don't play stupid, you know who.' Feeling
as though he was under a microscope, he shrugged and walked to the instrument room. He pulled out his sax and ran his fingers over it.
He knew it was stupid. The first time he'd picked up this sax, it felt right. And as his fingers caressed metal and ivory keys, the object seemed to warm up at his touch. It was stupid, he knew it, but he couldn't shake the love and adoration that seemed to pore from it. He'd once tried to explain this phenomenon to Shawn, the best sax player he'd ever known, Shawn had smiled and said 'of course.'
The thought of Shawn made him want to smile; many had thought they were together. And it was true, they were both gay, but somehow it hadn't worked that way. Shawn was like his best friend, his brother and his teacher and the same time. He was comforting and more than once they'd fallen asleep on the bus with the other's head on their shoulder. Shawn taught him so many things. He'd taught him to not hide behind a mask, thus Shawn was the first to know Adam was gay. Shawn had taught him to laugh at the snide remarks of a few shallow homophobes and to go after what he wanted. Shawn has been there through bad boyfriends and bad grades, through family fights and band camp.
And just like that his semi-happy mood bit the dust yet again. As thinking of all the things Shawn had been through with him, plus the thought of band camp brought to mind the only other person who had suffered though it all along with them… Jay. FUCK! What was wrong with him? He knew he had to leave Jay, and that they both had to move on, yet WHY did he keep brooding on how unhappy the right choice had made him? Why couldn't he leave well enough alone?
An odd sensation flooded through his finger tips, a kind of motherly warmth. Hhmmm… he looked at his sax. She somehow knew he wasn't happy. By the way she suddenly warmed at little more. Was she trying to comfort him? Now he knew he was loosing it 'See what moping has gotten you? You're so tired you're imagining things, so let it rest. You made the right move; it would never have worked anyways.'
"Adam?" He was resurrected back to reality and he looked up to see… what? Jess? He knew her; she was a clarinet player and didn't really talk to anyone but a few. "You alright?" Her expression was unreadable as she stood by the door and seemed to contemplate him.
"Y-yeah," then seeing a raised eyebrow he elaborated, "just a bit nervous." More contemplation and then words flowed out of her mouth.
"It'll be alright you know." He stared at her and knew she wasn't talking about the concert, how much did she know?
"Why does everyone BUT me seem to have that impression?" She shrugged and leaned against the doorway.
"Have you ever heard the song by D.H.T.?" What on earth did that have to do with him, she really was out of it wasn't she?
"Umm… It's called 'Listen to Your Heart' right?" She nodded.
"Listen to you heart, when he's calling for you. Listen to you heart; there's nothing else you can do. I don't know where you're going and I don't know why, but listen to you heart. Before you tell him goodbye." She cocked her head and smiled sweetly. "Seems to fairly relevant, don't you think?" Now he was a bit edgy, was this girl psychic?
"H-how did you know?" She shrugged again.
"I didn't, not really. But I have a habit of watching people, and by the way you've both been acting this week… I took a random shot in the dark, and I was right. Anywho, we're starting warm-up, that's why I'm really here," She jerked her hear over her shoulder, "come on, can't keep them waiting on their star, they might through peanuts." And she twirled around in a whoosh of band skirt and walked off.
She really was odd. Really odd.
And she was right.
And with "There's nothing else you can do," ringing in his head, he adjusted his sax's ligature and warmed up with the band.
This was it. The lights were dimmed, the rest of the jazz band was moving off the stage. He had a spotlight.
He stood. Walked. Tried to calm his racing blood. He saw Jay's figure from the corner of his eye. But he couldn't think of that. He thrived for this moment and momentarily lost sight of the world and all its pain. Closing his eyes he let the music and his sax invade his mind.
--
And it was done. The audience clapped, he heard a few wolf-whistles. Over. Letting out a sigh, he stood as the pain slowly came back. Can't escape it for long can you?
Or he tried to stand.
A hand on his arm made him stay. Even without seeing the hand of the owner, the gloriously painful electric light that shot through his nerves, the aching inferno that raged at his skin and his constitution, he knew who it was. But the peace, the calm, and the transcendent happiness that seized him quickly pushed all thoughts aside.
And his deep voice; reverberating, and strong as the major spoke in his ear, "Stay." Then the battle of emotions ended as the hand retreated, leaving behind one scorched and lost junior.
Vaguely he heard the director's voice and Adam unhooked his sax and gently set her on the now empty piano bench next to him, keeping a shaking hand on her smooth metal.
"And now ladies and gentlemen, out Drum Major, Jonathon Patterson."
Adam turned to focus on Jay's figure as the spotlight, the crowd and the rest of the room followed suite.
Jay talked, about the amazing things that had happened that season. A new director, and 11th in state. But part way through those annoying voices returned.
'What are you doing? Leave, you shouldn't be here where you might do something you regret! You made a decision, stick to it and don't back down. You know what will happen if you don't.' And another voice spoke.
'Yeah, you might actually be happy. You have to stay, let him chose, doesn't he know what's best for him? If he doesn't want you anymore, if he's moved on then so be it. But let him chose.'
'Let him chose and you'll be miserable, you'll go back to hiding in closets and dark corners. And what does he know? He's the one that chose you, you who can't do anything but think about yourself. Leave!'
"But," Jay's voice rose in volume, cutting clear through his inner turmoil, "I'd have to say, the best thing to happen to me this year would be falling in love." The crowd did their customary 'aawwwww…' and he heard a few loud yells of 'lame!' from the direction of the Joshes' usual corner as Adam's breathing hitched and Jay nodded. "I know, that was like the utmost pinnacle of corny, right? But this person is…" he searched for a word then smiled again, "But that's just the thing. I lose all kinds of intelligent thought just thinking about them. This person makes me hands sweat and the temperature rise, my nerves have trouble deciding whether or not their being overloaded with too many sensations or if they can't get enough of their sight, smell. The way their fingers seem to caress everything they touch, the way they twist their head when they're confused, the way they can be completely exhausted and their
eyes still burn with this kind of never ending intensity and… and," Jay shook his head and chuckled to himself, "and I love him so much." Adam froze, completely stopped all motion, even his heart skipped a beat all perfectly in time with the indignant-
"WHAT?!" erupted from somewhere in the front left audience in a high pitched shriek. Jay cringed at the sound then sighed, giving the impression he was annoyed with a very stupid person.
"Yes Sabrina, I'm gay, that directly translates to me NEVER dating you." Jay smirked.
"How DARE you? I can't believe you, you-you wretched little-" and from a very loud corner came-
"Shut UP!"
"You self-centered waste of oxygen."
"And let him finish." A low 'here-here' followed the statement. Adam, despite his shell shocked state couldn't stop the smile.
'Gotta love Diane and the Joshes.'
After Sabrina's screaming faded from sown the hall, Jay continued.
"So basically I fell in love with the most… let's see; amazing, sexy, funny, gorgeous, sweet, caring… GOD to ever breathe this air. And I managed to make the biggest mistake I could ever make. The worst mistake in the History of us pathetic mortals. Worse then Napoleon attacking Russia in winter, worse than Eve eating the apple, even worse than leaving the Joshes all alone with the new freshmen and six rolls of duct tape!" At this point Jay broke his death stare with a random point in space to glance at him.
Jay was dead. He didn't look dead was dead. The bright blue eyes Adam expected to see; the eyes he'd looked forward to seeing since his freshmen year, the ones that he'd woken up to almost every day for the last two months were long gone. They weren't even the emotionless grey he'd seen occasionally when the senior was mad. He would have preferred to have that furious, cold gaze turned on him now than the sight that met him. Pain, unbridled and unrelenting; like a bomb shell was just rebounding inside Jay's body, gaining speed and intensity as time passed. It found no escape and was simply ripping through his frame, hunching once-broad shoulders. It made his skin pale and a blotchy red around the dark bags under his eyes. There was a cut on his lip from biting it too much and Jay's once-strong arms shook slightly.
'Probably from not eating.' And finally a cannonball seemed to slam into his stomach. All of it, from Jay's lip to his eyes: it was his fault. HE had done this to him, he'd tried to save Jay, and all he'd done is shove that shell into the major's body. The worst part, which is what really killed Adam, was that Jay didn't blame him. Adam could see that, he wanted to shake Jay and yell, scream, beg for the older to hate him. To despise his every breath, never look at him, think about him or acknowledge that he ever lived.
'Leave.' The subconscious command cut deep, that was his only option left. He'd run out of opportunities to set things right, if he stayed he'd only be killing himself not to mention Jay, that was it. He bunched his knees preparing to stand and walk away, all the while praying Jay wouldn't turn to look at him, praying that Jay's life, the one he'd stolen, would come back quickly. And he prayed he could stop himself from breaking down before he got home.
PAIN!
Confusion clouded eyes shot to stare unbelievingly at the furiously cold sax lying next to him. He had to be loosing it; she couldn't have just done what he thought… could she? He'd grant she wasn't happy, his fingers were almost freezing due to her, but had she really just pinched him with her keys? His fingers still throbbed with sudden pain that had come from somewhere. Why would she do that? His gaze turned inquisitive, was it because… the keys pressed threateningly downward. He smile and nodded, not the she could see.
He got the message, He needed Jay.
"That's all he wanted, to be together, in public. And I said no. So-"
"Jay." Adam stood and walked toward him. He could almost hear Jay's neck muscles creek and he turned in his pool of light.
The junior paused, just out of the edge of Jay's spotlight, he knew without a doubt that no one knew who he was, as concealed by shadows as he was. But that would change if he moved another foot; this was his last chance, one last shot at turning back. Adam inhaled, and finished his journey, felling slightly dizzy as calculating gazes shifted to him. But he felt the hopeful look of Jay and calmed.
Still, could couldn't look up to those eyes, he didn't want to see what he'd done again, so he honed in on Jay's shaking hands as they precariously held the microphone.
"I-I," if felt like his voice hadn't been used in 20 years, or like the words were desperately clawing at his throat attempting to stay where they were. "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry," Adam's voice cracked and floundered, he took another breath, "I should never have said
what I did. You-you're the best thing that's ever walked into my life. I know it'll take for-forever, and I deserve it, but could you ever forgi-"
A deafening surround-sound THUNK erupted into the auditorium, as the Jay's microphone hit the stage floor and Adam's hands flew to cover his ears. Or they would have if the world hadn't been put in slow motion. He felt more than heard the floor creek as the body in front of him moved. The flash as the house lights snapped on and annihilated their circle of light and flooded the room. The shock as strong hands seized his hips. The blast of roasted chestnut smell as the drummer inched closer. The heat as it washed over him and forced him to hold his breath from sheer intensity. The silence as band kids, friends, families and strangers recovered from the sound and simply stood. The complete and total awe as Adam finally looked at his personal god, as blue-mercury eyes sank into his blood.
And the slow motion ended. Jay's lips slammed into his, and Adam clutched at his love as all the pain slimly floated away replaced by overwhelming joy and need. Adam's feet left the ground and Jay spun them in circles as their mouths continued to kiss.
Emotions resounded through him, making him delirious, or was that the lack of oxygen? Adam closed his eyes and buried his nails into the back of Jay's shoulders. The other moaned lightly and tightened his grip on Adam's hips. The knowledge that he'd have bruises there tomorrow simply made him smile against the kisses Jay was planting on every part of his face.
Finally they stood on the stage, Adam's forehead pressed against Jay's planed chest as they smiled and sucked in air, he shivered as Jay panted in his ear pleasantly. The first thing they noticed when their world expanded to include more than the two of them was the silence. Oppressive, threatening, and altogether crushing; at least to the two on the stage. This was the moment Jay had worried about, would they all disapprove?
Clap. Clap. Clap.
They both turned to see where the sound was originating. Front row, dead center.
Jess. That girl really was an eccentric angel. And so were the two figures standing next to her, Amanda and Jen. At that moment he could have kissed all three of them as more and more people stood and joined them. He felt the breathe he been confining leave his lungs as Jay did the same.
"You're beautiful," Jay whispered against his ear as they both politely bowed.
"I know," Adam mumbled back, earning a soft laugh from Jay as they left the stage.
"Arrogant much," the major accused, Adam cocked an eyebrow and twirled them so Jay's back was pushed against a wall. He leaned forward the whisper against his lover's lips.
"I blame band camp."