Episode 7
By: GL Corps2814
(disclaimer: Star Wars isn't mine. Or is it? Maybe I'm really George Lucas writing a spoof myself out of sheer boredom. You'll never know! OH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA! ……….The author apologizes for crappy attempt at humor. I'm certainly not George Lucas, since if I did I'd have better than a 56k modem. Anyway, please read and review.)
[A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…
[Star Wars – Episode VII: Just Another Day
[The Rebels have won the Galactic Civil War.
[Coruscant is now the homeworld of the New Republic.
[The Solo twins have been born recently.
[But if you look at the books and comics,
[it would seem our heroes never have a dull day.
[But even heroes have to do stuff BETWEEN their
[perilous romps through space…]
"Han?"
"Meh." Han Solo replied, turning over in his bed.
"Han."
"Meh." Han said again, even as he felt the gentle brush of his wife's fingers against his cheek.
"Dammit, Han, get your lazy ass out of bed!"
"MEH!" Han hollered, as he felt himself shoved off his plush mattress. "Gah!"
"Well that's what you get." Leia replied, walking past him as she put an earring in place.
"Wuzzamatta?" He asked, slowly standing. The sheet hung over his shoulder and was twisted around one leg. "Threepio finally get infected by a computer virus and die, thereby making my life so much sweeter?"
"No. I have to get to the Senate, and you need to get some pants on."
"Why? I don't gotta go to the Senate."
"Right, because both you AND my good for nothing brother are too lazy to do any REAL work. Once the shooting's over you go off and get drunk."
"Exactly. So why am I awake?" He sat on the edge of the bed.
"Because while Threepio is watching the kids, you get to run some errands."
"Oh. Joy."
Luke Skywalker stood atop the crumbling remains of the Imperial Palace, sensing the Force. For the longest time, this one spot had been a powerful center of the Dark Side and its energies. Standing there had almost been physically painful as he forced the energy away from him. But, day by day, he found that it was depleting quickly. On this fine morning, there were but scant traces left.
"Hey!" A voice said.
"Hmm?" He turned to see a young woman standing there. "Yes?"
"Aren't you…well, are you…Luke Skywalker?"
"Yes." He grinned.
"Oh, wow." She moved towards him quickly, something between a run and a hop. "I…wow…that's…I mean, I can't BELIEVE I'm meeting YOU!"
"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Miss."
"Could I…uh…this is gonna sound weird."
"No, what?"
"Could I have your autograph?"
"I…oh…" He was confused. Would this be exploiting his powers for fame? If so, that would be of the Dark Side. Yet he also did not want to seem cruel to the young admirer, and at the same time figured it would be alright if he did not let it get to his head. But what if he was only lying to himself because he DID enjoy it, and wanted the fame? Then he would be happily marching over to the Dark Side without ever realizing it, and that could doom the whole Galaxy. But that certainly was a self-absorbed thought, thinking the Galaxy would be doomed if he was gone. It may have been true when the Sith Emperor existed, but now he was just one of many veterans of the Galactic Civil War. Could the Galaxy still depend on him that much? He WAS the last of the Jedi, though, and he had to re-establish the order to…
"Hey, Mister Skywalker…you okay?"
"Huh?" Luke shook his head.
"You've been standing there gazing off into space for a good half minute now."
"Oh. Oh." He grinned. "Sorry."
"So…could I?"
"What?"
"Have your autograph?" She held out a small book and pen.
"Oh, one won't hurt." He said with a grin. "Who do I make it out to?"
'I helped destroy the first Death Star.' Han thought, sitting in a droid hack with an aggravated look on his face. 'I got my sorry ass frozen in carbonite. I helped destroy the Second Death Star. I'm the husband of one of the most powerful people in the New Republic. And what am I doing?'
The hack landed, and Han got out after jamming some credits into the slot in the chair. He looked the building that loomed before him.
"Grocery shopping." He said to the air. "Great."
He walked through the large, automatic doors to the place and tapped a droid carriage. It hovered into the air and began to obediently follow him, the spindly arms lashing out and grabbing the items he tossed at it.
"Hey, why not make my job a little easier and HAND things to me?!" The droid snapped.
"This is why I only like Artoo and astromechs." Han grumbled. "Couldn't talk if they tried."
"Yeah, well, I can!" The carriage snapped. "And I'm gonna tell you, I'm sick of people like you acting like I don't matter just because…"
Suddenly, a loud explosion rocked the air. Han was slammed down by the force, and had to hold his arms over his head to protect himself from the wall of dust and debris that flew his way, but did not feel any of the fire directly. After the rumbling and dirt passed, he slowly stood, causing an avalanche of junk to fall off himself. He looked over and saw the badly-beaten carriage droid.
"Damn…stupid…owie…" Then its photoreceptors dimmed and it died.
"Yes!" Han said. "Who caused that explosion? Because I would like to give him a dollar!"
"ME, Solo!" A voice said. Through the smoke and dust floating in the hole in the wall, Han saw a pair of bright, yellow columns that he knew to be jets from a rocket pack. And from this dark cloud emerged a shocking figure…
Boba Fett.
"Aw, crap." Han said.
"Ha…ha…" The carriage said, and Han kicked it.
Luke stood gazing at the horizon, smiling softly. The girl certainly had been glad to see him; it was nice that his presence could instill hope in people. Too many folks seemed to be uneasy around Jedi. He wondered if that had always been a problem, or if folks had been more easy around Jedi when there were more of them.
"Uh…Mister Skywalker?"
"Hmm?" He turned to see the girl, with another girl next to her. "Oh, yes, Minri?"
"Could you…uh…sign an autograph for my friend."
"I…" He shrugged. One more wouldn't be too bad. "Sure, why not?"
He stepped forward and held out his hand for the pen he was offered.
"Got a book?"
"No." The girl tore open her shirt. "Could you sign my breasts?"
"Uh…I…" The pen fell out of Luke's hand, as his jaw dropped.
"And then could you sign autographs for my other friends?" Minri asked, as dozens of girls began to file out of the rooftop entrance.
"I…I…" Luke began to back away form the grinning crowd that approached him, until he bumped into the roof's ledge. The crowd was on every side of him. He turned to see the dizzying drop there. "I've got a BAD feeling about this…"
"I thought you were dead, Fett!" Han snapped, going for the pistol he realized he had left home. Cursing himself, he thought: 'What happened to the good old days, when a man HAD to carry his blaster everywhere?!'
"You did worse, Solo!" Boba Fett screamed. "You destroyed my image as a top-notch, grade-A badass by dumping me into that pit with your idiotic, blind stumblings! After 'The Empire Strikes Back,' people loved me! I didn't have to say or do much of anything, but they loved me! But now, thanks to that scene in 'Return of the Jedi,' small children laugh at me and old ladies hit me with their purses!"
"Sorry."
"Sorry won't cut it, Solo. I'm not only going to kill you, but I'm going to humiliate you in the process!"
"And how'll you do that?"
"Like this!" He partially lifted his helmet, revealing the lower half of his face. He lifted a whistle to his lips and blew.
"What was that supposed to do?" Han asked, feeling the cockiness of his youth return.
"Call my minions."
"We're here, Master." A voice said.
"Good, my children." Fett turned to three, dark figures that were emerging from the shadows.
'What the hell?' Han thought.
"Meet your destroyers, Solo!" Fett said, turning back to him.
From the darkness stepped a young girl in a green dress and beret, a boy in a cardigan, bow tie, and pants hiked up far too high, and a strange alien that Han could not place.
"What's this supposed to be, Fett?" Han demanded.
"The three most embarrassing people in the universe to get beat up by, Solo!" Fett chuckled. "Not only will you die, but afterwards people will laugh at the fact that you were killed by them. First…a GIRL SCOUT! Second…THE MATH GEEK FROM THE BACK OF THE CLASSROOM! And finally, the most pathetic to lose to…A GUNGAN!"
"Howsa yousa dooingsa?" The alien asked.
"You're in deep shit, Solo!" The Girl Scout said, her foul mouth in sharp contrast with her adorable face.
"Yeah." The Math kid wheezed. "You're toast."
It was then all three raised their hands, and shot flying blasts of blue energy at Han, causing him to leap back.
"What the HELL was that?!" Han hollered.
"Oh, did I forget to mention?" Fett said. "I spliced in some of the late Emperor Palpatine's DNA, giving them the same dark powers as him."
"Well shit." That said, Han turned and ran.
"Marry me, Luke!" One girl hollered as the group closed in around him.
"No, no, marry ME!" Another said.
"Me!"
These and such other screams were hurled his way as he leaned back against the building's ledge. He looked at the drop again, the cars speeding below, and back at the girls. The cars, the girls, the cars, the girls.
"BEN!" He hollered. "BEN, HELP!"
"Not again." Ben moaned, appearing. "I was in the middle of a game of poker with Yoda and Master Qui-Gon…"
"Ben, what can I do?" Luke hollered. "I'm surrounded."
"Hmm." Ben looked at the girls. "Mow them down with your 'saber?"
"Wouldn't that be of the Dark Side?"
"Hell, I don't know. You stop caring about these things after you're dead." With that, he vanished. "Now stop bothering me."
"Some help you are." Luke grumbled.
"Maybe I can help." A new ghost said.
"Dad!" Luke said. "Wow, I'm glad to see you! What can I do?"
"I say give in."
"What?!"
"Luke, son, they're THROWING themselves at you." His father looked at the slowly-approaching mob and winked. "Nothing in the Jedi Code that says you can't get some."
"DAD!"
"What? It's true. You think you'd be here if I didn't shag a bit?"
"GAH!"
"What?"
"The last thing I need to think of is YOU doing THAT!"
"Hey, I was hot once!"
"Ugh. Look, I'm not going to argue. Giving in like that ISN'T an option."
"Wuss."
"What was that?"
"Nothing. Okay, you know what else you could do?"
"What?"
"Bit of a trick I used when I was a Padawan…"
Leia was going through her day's schedule when her car rocked hard, like something had landed on top of it. Frowning, she opened the sun roof and stood, to see Luke clutching to the roof for dear life.
"Hey, sis!" He said, grinning. "How's things?"
"Freeloading as usual." Leia hissed. "Well, I'll have none of that!"
"Huh?" Luke's jaw dropped as his sister grabbed him by the arms and began shoving him. "HEY!"
"You and Han." Leia said, nearly wrenching his shoulders out of place. "Always leeching off me! Ever since the war ended, you two sit around while I do all the hard stuff! Well not anymore!"
"But Leia…"
"Yessiree." She flipped open the panel in Luke's false hand and tore out the battery, causing it to go limp.
"LEIA!" Luke's dead hand flapped out behind him, useless.
"Sorry, Luke, but you and Han aren't taking advantage of me anymore!" She dug her nails into his good hand, and his grip began to slacken. "You're both going to work, too."
"But I…" He suddenly lost his grip, and slid off the roof. Before he fell, he said: "Just see if you get a Life Day card from me!"
"Where can I take you?" The new droid hack asked as Han leapt into it, six streams of blue energy landing just outside the door.
"Anywhere!" Han yelled. "Just go!"
"I need a better destination that that, sir."
"The Senate, alright?! Just go to the senate!" He saw the trio of Sith…well, they weren't Sith Lords. The Sith-Whatever-They-Were approaching.
"Very good." The door slammed shut, and glowed as the blue energy hit it. Han felt the vehicle slowly lift up. "That should take us about ten minutes, sir."
"Whatever, just drive."
"No need to be uppity about it, sir!" The cab replied. "Why you humans are so uppity about everything is beyond my ability to…"
The cab let out a horrible, snapping screech as Han kicked the vocorder into many small pieces. Sighing contentedly, he leaned back in his chair to enjoy the ride.
Until he realized the cab had begun to plummet straight down.
"Ah, I must've busted the flight controls!" He said, reaching into the mass of wires. He began twisting them together and switching bits around, even as the force of the fall tried to throw him into the back of the vehicle. "Come on…come on…"
In rather typical, cliché manner, the car suddenly jumped and leveled off mere moments before smashing into the ground. Now in some of the scummiest, lowest levels of the city, Han began to fiddle with the wires to learn what would make the cab steer, climb, or dive. A lot of Coruscant's poorest were killed in his experimentations, but worse was that Han got some bumps and bruises from being thrown around inside.
"Going up!" He said, touching the wires that made the vehicle shoot into the air. Han laughed to himself as it did, the exhaust burning a few of the poor to death. "Heh. Going up. People are never around to hear the good ones…"
"DAD!" Luke hollered as he fell. "THIS ISN'T WORKING!"
"Well what did you expect?" The ghost of Anakin asked, appearing. He was falling feet-first along with Luke, obviously with no wind effects on him. "You were supposed to stay ON the car. You call yourself a Jedi. Why by YOUR age I was slaughtering villages of Sand People, and you can't even…"
"DAD! Could you do something OTHER than lecture me?!"
"Aw, but this is what parenting is all about! Taking out our childhood frustrations out on our kids!"
"But you got to take out all your frustrations on your pseudo-parental figure when you lopped off Obi-Wan's head!"
"Oh, are you going to bring that up EVERY TIME we talk?!"
"Well I'm sorry, but he's like the father I never had thanks to you always being too busy with work to come and say hello or anything!"
"Hey, don't try the guilt trip thing with me! I INVENTED that!"
"No you didn't, you invented blowing up planets!"
"That was a low blow."
"I'm…I'm sorry, Dad. I've been a little stressed, lately."
"I understand, son. I'm sure toppling a villainous monarchy is no easier for you than building it was for me." He sat in midair. "I sometimes forget the pressures of being a young Jedi. Light and dark both vying for your attention…hormones raging out of control…getting interested in girls…"
"Uh, those last two things were puberty, not being a Jedi."
"Whatever." Anakin 'stood'. "Anyway, Luke…I just want to say…I…I love you, son!"
"Uh…"
"I mean in a platonic, father-son type way, dumbass!"
"Oh…" Luke's eyes welled with tears. "I LOVE YOU, DAD!"
The two went to embrace…and then Luke slipped right through his father's ghostly form, sending himself slamming into a skyscraper wall and bouncing off. This caused his descent to speed up.
"You son of a…" But Luke's final words were drowned out by his fall.
"Ain't I a stinker?" Anakin said, winking at the camera.
"Going up!" Han was nearly doubling over as he continued to laugh at his own joke. "Oh, man, that is CLASSIC! I said going up when the car started to go up! Oh, that'll NEVER get old. I mean…"
Suddenly, Luke came smashing through the front window, landing on top of Han. This caused him to lose his grip on the wires, and the robo-hack began to spiral out of control.
"Oh, great move, Skywalker!" Han screamed, trying to disentangle himself from Luke. "Not only are we going to die, but it's going to look like we were having an affair in the process!"
"Don't worry, I can save us!" Luke grabbed Han's arm, and suddenly floated out of the car. He watched in shock as the car spiraled away, smashing into the denizens below.
"Wait…since when can Jedi fly?"
"Uh…well…we can't, actually."
"Oh."
"Yeah, if we could I would've saved my ass earlier that way."
"Then why try it now?"
"I was so desperate that I forgot."
That said, they both began to plummet again.
Within a moment, though, they were both rescued by Boba Fett, who flew past and gently put them both down on a large bridge between two buildings.
"Fett…why?" Han asked, brushing himself off.
"Have you realized the error of your ways and decided to join us?"
"Like hell I have, Skywalker. I just wanted to kill Han myself."
"Ah, I see. But you plan on doing this at a later date, so you walk off into the sunset for now, leaving us all to ponder whether or not you're truly evil."
"What?!" He tore off his helmet and blew on the whistle. "My God, are you an idiot or something?! No! I plan on having my minions kill Solo right here and now!"
He blew on the whistle, then, and his minions leapt down from goodness-knows-where. Luke cocked an eyebrow in confusion, while Han clenched his fists and sneered.
"You're joking, right?" Luke asked.
"Kid, they have some of the Emperor's DNA in them!"
"Oh…"
It was then that the trio unleashed their barrage of blue lightning. Luke and Han leapt back from it, then turned and bolted towards the buildings.
"Dammit, Luke, get them!" Han snapped.
"Huh?'
"Use your Jedi mind trick to make them jump off the bridge, or choke them with your mind, or lop their damn heads off!"
"That wouldn't be right!"
"What?! Why the hell wouldn't it be?!"
"It's not their fault they're evil! Boba Fett just made them that way!"
"I hate you." Han grabbed Luke's saber and switched it on. "Well if you won't do anything, I will!"
"No, Han, wait!" Luke tore the saber from Han's hand with the Force. "I think I have a way I can stop them all WITHOUT having to kill any of them."
"Dammit, Luke, don't you understand?! A PG rating is box office poison these days! We need some good disemboweling for a PG-13."
"To hell with the box office!" Luke stopped and turned. "Recite Pi to the highest numeral you can!"
The math geek stopped in his tracks, and suddenly began rattling off numbers.
"I want to buy two boxes, what do you have?"
The girl scout stopped and began rattling off cookie names.
"And…" Luke whipped a banana from nowhere and tore the peel off, then tossed the peel in front of the Gungan, who promptly slipped on it and fell to the ground. Grumbling, he got up. Then he slipped on the peel again. He got up. He slipped again. He got up, he slipped, et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseam.
"Luke, how…?"
"Math geeks can't resist showing off their ability to rattle off pi. Girl Scouts can't resist a possible sale. Gungans can't resist stupid humor."
Suddenly, the Gungan slipped off the peel in such a way that he went spiraling off the walkway. In midair, he was smashed by a speeder going as fast as it could, and his body was torn to thousands of gooey, orange pieces.
"And there's your PG-13 rating!"
"And now I get my revenge!" Fett said, hovering above them.
"Oops…knew I forgot something." Luke said.
"Now, prepare to die!" He leveled his weapon, and Han again went for his nonexistent gun.
"I've got it!" Luke flung the peeled banana as hard as he could, hitting the little button on Boba's jet pack.
"You miserable little f…" But then he was off like a shot, to slam into a skyhook grapple line. This would drift through space for billions of yeas, until arriving in a galaxy far distant from its own, where it would crash on a blue-green world and…well, that's a DIFFERENT story now, isn't it?
ANYway, Han watched in amazement as Boba spiraled away, then glanced at Luke.
"You think the Fetts would stop using jet packs."
"Yeah." Luke replied. "That's what, the third time a pack malfunction has foiled one of them?"
"Probably." Han sighed. "So where the hell'd you get the banana?!"
"The Force."
"That makes no sense whatsoever."
"Neither did the happy ending of the 'Shadows of the Empire' video game on the Nintendo 64."
"True enough."
"THERE YOU TWO ARE!"
The men turned to see a VERY angry Leia there, tapping a foot.
"I ask you to do ONE simple errand, Han, and you bugger it up!"
"But, Leia, it wasn't my fault!"
"It never is, is it?" She stormed over to him and grabbed his ear. "Come on, you've got to get home. Chewie isn't quite as housebroken as we thought."
"Ha ha!" Luke said.
"And YOU!" She grabbed Luke by the ear. "I've been putting up with Threepio's bitching all day! It's someone else's turn!"
And so Luke did let out a scream most horrible and pained.
[Alright…maybe all their days ARE exciting.
[But why did you decide to listen to ME, anyway?
[I'm just magical, floating text.
[The End]
By: GL Corps2814
(disclaimer: Star Wars isn't mine. Or is it? Maybe I'm really George Lucas writing a spoof myself out of sheer boredom. You'll never know! OH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA! ……….The author apologizes for crappy attempt at humor. I'm certainly not George Lucas, since if I did I'd have better than a 56k modem. Anyway, please read and review.)
[A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…
[Star Wars – Episode VII: Just Another Day
[The Rebels have won the Galactic Civil War.
[Coruscant is now the homeworld of the New Republic.
[The Solo twins have been born recently.
[But if you look at the books and comics,
[it would seem our heroes never have a dull day.
[But even heroes have to do stuff BETWEEN their
[perilous romps through space…]
"Han?"
"Meh." Han Solo replied, turning over in his bed.
"Han."
"Meh." Han said again, even as he felt the gentle brush of his wife's fingers against his cheek.
"Dammit, Han, get your lazy ass out of bed!"
"MEH!" Han hollered, as he felt himself shoved off his plush mattress. "Gah!"
"Well that's what you get." Leia replied, walking past him as she put an earring in place.
"Wuzzamatta?" He asked, slowly standing. The sheet hung over his shoulder and was twisted around one leg. "Threepio finally get infected by a computer virus and die, thereby making my life so much sweeter?"
"No. I have to get to the Senate, and you need to get some pants on."
"Why? I don't gotta go to the Senate."
"Right, because both you AND my good for nothing brother are too lazy to do any REAL work. Once the shooting's over you go off and get drunk."
"Exactly. So why am I awake?" He sat on the edge of the bed.
"Because while Threepio is watching the kids, you get to run some errands."
"Oh. Joy."
Luke Skywalker stood atop the crumbling remains of the Imperial Palace, sensing the Force. For the longest time, this one spot had been a powerful center of the Dark Side and its energies. Standing there had almost been physically painful as he forced the energy away from him. But, day by day, he found that it was depleting quickly. On this fine morning, there were but scant traces left.
"Hey!" A voice said.
"Hmm?" He turned to see a young woman standing there. "Yes?"
"Aren't you…well, are you…Luke Skywalker?"
"Yes." He grinned.
"Oh, wow." She moved towards him quickly, something between a run and a hop. "I…wow…that's…I mean, I can't BELIEVE I'm meeting YOU!"
"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Miss."
"Could I…uh…this is gonna sound weird."
"No, what?"
"Could I have your autograph?"
"I…oh…" He was confused. Would this be exploiting his powers for fame? If so, that would be of the Dark Side. Yet he also did not want to seem cruel to the young admirer, and at the same time figured it would be alright if he did not let it get to his head. But what if he was only lying to himself because he DID enjoy it, and wanted the fame? Then he would be happily marching over to the Dark Side without ever realizing it, and that could doom the whole Galaxy. But that certainly was a self-absorbed thought, thinking the Galaxy would be doomed if he was gone. It may have been true when the Sith Emperor existed, but now he was just one of many veterans of the Galactic Civil War. Could the Galaxy still depend on him that much? He WAS the last of the Jedi, though, and he had to re-establish the order to…
"Hey, Mister Skywalker…you okay?"
"Huh?" Luke shook his head.
"You've been standing there gazing off into space for a good half minute now."
"Oh. Oh." He grinned. "Sorry."
"So…could I?"
"What?"
"Have your autograph?" She held out a small book and pen.
"Oh, one won't hurt." He said with a grin. "Who do I make it out to?"
'I helped destroy the first Death Star.' Han thought, sitting in a droid hack with an aggravated look on his face. 'I got my sorry ass frozen in carbonite. I helped destroy the Second Death Star. I'm the husband of one of the most powerful people in the New Republic. And what am I doing?'
The hack landed, and Han got out after jamming some credits into the slot in the chair. He looked the building that loomed before him.
"Grocery shopping." He said to the air. "Great."
He walked through the large, automatic doors to the place and tapped a droid carriage. It hovered into the air and began to obediently follow him, the spindly arms lashing out and grabbing the items he tossed at it.
"Hey, why not make my job a little easier and HAND things to me?!" The droid snapped.
"This is why I only like Artoo and astromechs." Han grumbled. "Couldn't talk if they tried."
"Yeah, well, I can!" The carriage snapped. "And I'm gonna tell you, I'm sick of people like you acting like I don't matter just because…"
Suddenly, a loud explosion rocked the air. Han was slammed down by the force, and had to hold his arms over his head to protect himself from the wall of dust and debris that flew his way, but did not feel any of the fire directly. After the rumbling and dirt passed, he slowly stood, causing an avalanche of junk to fall off himself. He looked over and saw the badly-beaten carriage droid.
"Damn…stupid…owie…" Then its photoreceptors dimmed and it died.
"Yes!" Han said. "Who caused that explosion? Because I would like to give him a dollar!"
"ME, Solo!" A voice said. Through the smoke and dust floating in the hole in the wall, Han saw a pair of bright, yellow columns that he knew to be jets from a rocket pack. And from this dark cloud emerged a shocking figure…
Boba Fett.
"Aw, crap." Han said.
"Ha…ha…" The carriage said, and Han kicked it.
Luke stood gazing at the horizon, smiling softly. The girl certainly had been glad to see him; it was nice that his presence could instill hope in people. Too many folks seemed to be uneasy around Jedi. He wondered if that had always been a problem, or if folks had been more easy around Jedi when there were more of them.
"Uh…Mister Skywalker?"
"Hmm?" He turned to see the girl, with another girl next to her. "Oh, yes, Minri?"
"Could you…uh…sign an autograph for my friend."
"I…" He shrugged. One more wouldn't be too bad. "Sure, why not?"
He stepped forward and held out his hand for the pen he was offered.
"Got a book?"
"No." The girl tore open her shirt. "Could you sign my breasts?"
"Uh…I…" The pen fell out of Luke's hand, as his jaw dropped.
"And then could you sign autographs for my other friends?" Minri asked, as dozens of girls began to file out of the rooftop entrance.
"I…I…" Luke began to back away form the grinning crowd that approached him, until he bumped into the roof's ledge. The crowd was on every side of him. He turned to see the dizzying drop there. "I've got a BAD feeling about this…"
"I thought you were dead, Fett!" Han snapped, going for the pistol he realized he had left home. Cursing himself, he thought: 'What happened to the good old days, when a man HAD to carry his blaster everywhere?!'
"You did worse, Solo!" Boba Fett screamed. "You destroyed my image as a top-notch, grade-A badass by dumping me into that pit with your idiotic, blind stumblings! After 'The Empire Strikes Back,' people loved me! I didn't have to say or do much of anything, but they loved me! But now, thanks to that scene in 'Return of the Jedi,' small children laugh at me and old ladies hit me with their purses!"
"Sorry."
"Sorry won't cut it, Solo. I'm not only going to kill you, but I'm going to humiliate you in the process!"
"And how'll you do that?"
"Like this!" He partially lifted his helmet, revealing the lower half of his face. He lifted a whistle to his lips and blew.
"What was that supposed to do?" Han asked, feeling the cockiness of his youth return.
"Call my minions."
"We're here, Master." A voice said.
"Good, my children." Fett turned to three, dark figures that were emerging from the shadows.
'What the hell?' Han thought.
"Meet your destroyers, Solo!" Fett said, turning back to him.
From the darkness stepped a young girl in a green dress and beret, a boy in a cardigan, bow tie, and pants hiked up far too high, and a strange alien that Han could not place.
"What's this supposed to be, Fett?" Han demanded.
"The three most embarrassing people in the universe to get beat up by, Solo!" Fett chuckled. "Not only will you die, but afterwards people will laugh at the fact that you were killed by them. First…a GIRL SCOUT! Second…THE MATH GEEK FROM THE BACK OF THE CLASSROOM! And finally, the most pathetic to lose to…A GUNGAN!"
"Howsa yousa dooingsa?" The alien asked.
"You're in deep shit, Solo!" The Girl Scout said, her foul mouth in sharp contrast with her adorable face.
"Yeah." The Math kid wheezed. "You're toast."
It was then all three raised their hands, and shot flying blasts of blue energy at Han, causing him to leap back.
"What the HELL was that?!" Han hollered.
"Oh, did I forget to mention?" Fett said. "I spliced in some of the late Emperor Palpatine's DNA, giving them the same dark powers as him."
"Well shit." That said, Han turned and ran.
"Marry me, Luke!" One girl hollered as the group closed in around him.
"No, no, marry ME!" Another said.
"Me!"
These and such other screams were hurled his way as he leaned back against the building's ledge. He looked at the drop again, the cars speeding below, and back at the girls. The cars, the girls, the cars, the girls.
"BEN!" He hollered. "BEN, HELP!"
"Not again." Ben moaned, appearing. "I was in the middle of a game of poker with Yoda and Master Qui-Gon…"
"Ben, what can I do?" Luke hollered. "I'm surrounded."
"Hmm." Ben looked at the girls. "Mow them down with your 'saber?"
"Wouldn't that be of the Dark Side?"
"Hell, I don't know. You stop caring about these things after you're dead." With that, he vanished. "Now stop bothering me."
"Some help you are." Luke grumbled.
"Maybe I can help." A new ghost said.
"Dad!" Luke said. "Wow, I'm glad to see you! What can I do?"
"I say give in."
"What?!"
"Luke, son, they're THROWING themselves at you." His father looked at the slowly-approaching mob and winked. "Nothing in the Jedi Code that says you can't get some."
"DAD!"
"What? It's true. You think you'd be here if I didn't shag a bit?"
"GAH!"
"What?"
"The last thing I need to think of is YOU doing THAT!"
"Hey, I was hot once!"
"Ugh. Look, I'm not going to argue. Giving in like that ISN'T an option."
"Wuss."
"What was that?"
"Nothing. Okay, you know what else you could do?"
"What?"
"Bit of a trick I used when I was a Padawan…"
Leia was going through her day's schedule when her car rocked hard, like something had landed on top of it. Frowning, she opened the sun roof and stood, to see Luke clutching to the roof for dear life.
"Hey, sis!" He said, grinning. "How's things?"
"Freeloading as usual." Leia hissed. "Well, I'll have none of that!"
"Huh?" Luke's jaw dropped as his sister grabbed him by the arms and began shoving him. "HEY!"
"You and Han." Leia said, nearly wrenching his shoulders out of place. "Always leeching off me! Ever since the war ended, you two sit around while I do all the hard stuff! Well not anymore!"
"But Leia…"
"Yessiree." She flipped open the panel in Luke's false hand and tore out the battery, causing it to go limp.
"LEIA!" Luke's dead hand flapped out behind him, useless.
"Sorry, Luke, but you and Han aren't taking advantage of me anymore!" She dug her nails into his good hand, and his grip began to slacken. "You're both going to work, too."
"But I…" He suddenly lost his grip, and slid off the roof. Before he fell, he said: "Just see if you get a Life Day card from me!"
"Where can I take you?" The new droid hack asked as Han leapt into it, six streams of blue energy landing just outside the door.
"Anywhere!" Han yelled. "Just go!"
"I need a better destination that that, sir."
"The Senate, alright?! Just go to the senate!" He saw the trio of Sith…well, they weren't Sith Lords. The Sith-Whatever-They-Were approaching.
"Very good." The door slammed shut, and glowed as the blue energy hit it. Han felt the vehicle slowly lift up. "That should take us about ten minutes, sir."
"Whatever, just drive."
"No need to be uppity about it, sir!" The cab replied. "Why you humans are so uppity about everything is beyond my ability to…"
The cab let out a horrible, snapping screech as Han kicked the vocorder into many small pieces. Sighing contentedly, he leaned back in his chair to enjoy the ride.
Until he realized the cab had begun to plummet straight down.
"Ah, I must've busted the flight controls!" He said, reaching into the mass of wires. He began twisting them together and switching bits around, even as the force of the fall tried to throw him into the back of the vehicle. "Come on…come on…"
In rather typical, cliché manner, the car suddenly jumped and leveled off mere moments before smashing into the ground. Now in some of the scummiest, lowest levels of the city, Han began to fiddle with the wires to learn what would make the cab steer, climb, or dive. A lot of Coruscant's poorest were killed in his experimentations, but worse was that Han got some bumps and bruises from being thrown around inside.
"Going up!" He said, touching the wires that made the vehicle shoot into the air. Han laughed to himself as it did, the exhaust burning a few of the poor to death. "Heh. Going up. People are never around to hear the good ones…"
"DAD!" Luke hollered as he fell. "THIS ISN'T WORKING!"
"Well what did you expect?" The ghost of Anakin asked, appearing. He was falling feet-first along with Luke, obviously with no wind effects on him. "You were supposed to stay ON the car. You call yourself a Jedi. Why by YOUR age I was slaughtering villages of Sand People, and you can't even…"
"DAD! Could you do something OTHER than lecture me?!"
"Aw, but this is what parenting is all about! Taking out our childhood frustrations out on our kids!"
"But you got to take out all your frustrations on your pseudo-parental figure when you lopped off Obi-Wan's head!"
"Oh, are you going to bring that up EVERY TIME we talk?!"
"Well I'm sorry, but he's like the father I never had thanks to you always being too busy with work to come and say hello or anything!"
"Hey, don't try the guilt trip thing with me! I INVENTED that!"
"No you didn't, you invented blowing up planets!"
"That was a low blow."
"I'm…I'm sorry, Dad. I've been a little stressed, lately."
"I understand, son. I'm sure toppling a villainous monarchy is no easier for you than building it was for me." He sat in midair. "I sometimes forget the pressures of being a young Jedi. Light and dark both vying for your attention…hormones raging out of control…getting interested in girls…"
"Uh, those last two things were puberty, not being a Jedi."
"Whatever." Anakin 'stood'. "Anyway, Luke…I just want to say…I…I love you, son!"
"Uh…"
"I mean in a platonic, father-son type way, dumbass!"
"Oh…" Luke's eyes welled with tears. "I LOVE YOU, DAD!"
The two went to embrace…and then Luke slipped right through his father's ghostly form, sending himself slamming into a skyscraper wall and bouncing off. This caused his descent to speed up.
"You son of a…" But Luke's final words were drowned out by his fall.
"Ain't I a stinker?" Anakin said, winking at the camera.
"Going up!" Han was nearly doubling over as he continued to laugh at his own joke. "Oh, man, that is CLASSIC! I said going up when the car started to go up! Oh, that'll NEVER get old. I mean…"
Suddenly, Luke came smashing through the front window, landing on top of Han. This caused him to lose his grip on the wires, and the robo-hack began to spiral out of control.
"Oh, great move, Skywalker!" Han screamed, trying to disentangle himself from Luke. "Not only are we going to die, but it's going to look like we were having an affair in the process!"
"Don't worry, I can save us!" Luke grabbed Han's arm, and suddenly floated out of the car. He watched in shock as the car spiraled away, smashing into the denizens below.
"Wait…since when can Jedi fly?"
"Uh…well…we can't, actually."
"Oh."
"Yeah, if we could I would've saved my ass earlier that way."
"Then why try it now?"
"I was so desperate that I forgot."
That said, they both began to plummet again.
Within a moment, though, they were both rescued by Boba Fett, who flew past and gently put them both down on a large bridge between two buildings.
"Fett…why?" Han asked, brushing himself off.
"Have you realized the error of your ways and decided to join us?"
"Like hell I have, Skywalker. I just wanted to kill Han myself."
"Ah, I see. But you plan on doing this at a later date, so you walk off into the sunset for now, leaving us all to ponder whether or not you're truly evil."
"What?!" He tore off his helmet and blew on the whistle. "My God, are you an idiot or something?! No! I plan on having my minions kill Solo right here and now!"
He blew on the whistle, then, and his minions leapt down from goodness-knows-where. Luke cocked an eyebrow in confusion, while Han clenched his fists and sneered.
"You're joking, right?" Luke asked.
"Kid, they have some of the Emperor's DNA in them!"
"Oh…"
It was then that the trio unleashed their barrage of blue lightning. Luke and Han leapt back from it, then turned and bolted towards the buildings.
"Dammit, Luke, get them!" Han snapped.
"Huh?'
"Use your Jedi mind trick to make them jump off the bridge, or choke them with your mind, or lop their damn heads off!"
"That wouldn't be right!"
"What?! Why the hell wouldn't it be?!"
"It's not their fault they're evil! Boba Fett just made them that way!"
"I hate you." Han grabbed Luke's saber and switched it on. "Well if you won't do anything, I will!"
"No, Han, wait!" Luke tore the saber from Han's hand with the Force. "I think I have a way I can stop them all WITHOUT having to kill any of them."
"Dammit, Luke, don't you understand?! A PG rating is box office poison these days! We need some good disemboweling for a PG-13."
"To hell with the box office!" Luke stopped and turned. "Recite Pi to the highest numeral you can!"
The math geek stopped in his tracks, and suddenly began rattling off numbers.
"I want to buy two boxes, what do you have?"
The girl scout stopped and began rattling off cookie names.
"And…" Luke whipped a banana from nowhere and tore the peel off, then tossed the peel in front of the Gungan, who promptly slipped on it and fell to the ground. Grumbling, he got up. Then he slipped on the peel again. He got up. He slipped again. He got up, he slipped, et cetera, et cetera, ad nauseam.
"Luke, how…?"
"Math geeks can't resist showing off their ability to rattle off pi. Girl Scouts can't resist a possible sale. Gungans can't resist stupid humor."
Suddenly, the Gungan slipped off the peel in such a way that he went spiraling off the walkway. In midair, he was smashed by a speeder going as fast as it could, and his body was torn to thousands of gooey, orange pieces.
"And there's your PG-13 rating!"
"And now I get my revenge!" Fett said, hovering above them.
"Oops…knew I forgot something." Luke said.
"Now, prepare to die!" He leveled his weapon, and Han again went for his nonexistent gun.
"I've got it!" Luke flung the peeled banana as hard as he could, hitting the little button on Boba's jet pack.
"You miserable little f…" But then he was off like a shot, to slam into a skyhook grapple line. This would drift through space for billions of yeas, until arriving in a galaxy far distant from its own, where it would crash on a blue-green world and…well, that's a DIFFERENT story now, isn't it?
ANYway, Han watched in amazement as Boba spiraled away, then glanced at Luke.
"You think the Fetts would stop using jet packs."
"Yeah." Luke replied. "That's what, the third time a pack malfunction has foiled one of them?"
"Probably." Han sighed. "So where the hell'd you get the banana?!"
"The Force."
"That makes no sense whatsoever."
"Neither did the happy ending of the 'Shadows of the Empire' video game on the Nintendo 64."
"True enough."
"THERE YOU TWO ARE!"
The men turned to see a VERY angry Leia there, tapping a foot.
"I ask you to do ONE simple errand, Han, and you bugger it up!"
"But, Leia, it wasn't my fault!"
"It never is, is it?" She stormed over to him and grabbed his ear. "Come on, you've got to get home. Chewie isn't quite as housebroken as we thought."
"Ha ha!" Luke said.
"And YOU!" She grabbed Luke by the ear. "I've been putting up with Threepio's bitching all day! It's someone else's turn!"
And so Luke did let out a scream most horrible and pained.
[Alright…maybe all their days ARE exciting.
[But why did you decide to listen to ME, anyway?
[I'm just magical, floating text.
[The End]