Summary: Alex and Paige have something terrible in common, but only Alex knows about it. Songfic to "The Dark I Know Well" from the musical Spring Awakening. Go download the... soundtrack. Seriously. It's awesome.
Warning: Semi-explicit references to sexual abuse and some strong language.
Author's Note: My first fanfic. This is dedicated to They-Call-Me-Orange for the successful completion of the awesome fic "Sepia". If you haven't read it, do so now. I've read and love all of her works, and I never review. If you read this, please accept this as my apology for being such a non-commenting asshole, and one big gigantic review saying: You. Rock. My. World.
Discalimer: I don't have one. That's right. I own DTNG and everything else affliated with the Degrassi franchsie. So you just try and sue me you facist pig corporate bastards who will probably never ever read this because they could never care even an iota about these characters that I do. I own it. I own it, I OWN IT, I OWN IT! (No, I don't.)
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"Don't... please. Noo... stop it! Stop, no!" Paige screams, turning restlessly in her sleep.
Her frantic motions wake her lover who was previously lying peacefully beside her. The darker haired girl is not startled, not surprised, not even truly upset about the abrupt awakening. This is a routine she has been through many times before, and she knows just what to do.
"Paige, baby. Wake up. It's just a dream. Come back to me," Alex soothingly murmurs in her girlfriend's ear, shaking her gently.
Paige instinctly starts to fight Alex's comforting ministrations. As she struggles out of her nightmare, she dellusionally mistakes the other girl's soft touches for bruising blows. Alex isn't fazed by the attacks and valiantly continues to try to calm her troubled angel. Eventually Paige finds her way back to reality. Her teary eyes strive to adjust to the darkness and her actual surroundings. To her, everything is a panic-stricken blur of scary and threatening shadows cast by hazy and foreign objects. The only thing in her vision that appears solid and safe are a pair of deep brown eyes. Paige immediately launches herself towards those welcoming pools of chocolate.
"Alex!" Paige exclaims, wrapping her arms tightly around her savior's neck. Alex quickly moves to pull Paige closer to her and begins to lightly stroke her back.
"It's okay, it's okay. I'm here. I'm here, he's not, and I'd kill him if he were." Her words do nothing but cause Paige to hold Alex even tighter, to the point of near suffocation. Alex would say something but she knows that breathing is not nearly as important as clearing the haunted look out of her Paige's baby blues.
"It just felt so real. It always feels so real. Even when I know it isn't."
Alex says nothing; knows there's nothing to say. She does her duty and continues to massage Paige's back, the way she knows always makes her feel better, while she patiently waits for Paige to settle. Soon enough Paige's heaving sobs die down to subtle sniffles and deep breaths. Alex knows that's her cue to pull back and match Paige's searching look with her own gaze of security.
"Hey," Alex whispers, putting her hands on Paige's cheeks, still staring intently into her eyes. Her response might seem too simple - almost inappropriate - but it is exactly what Paige wants to hear. She doesn't want elaborate proclamations of support and understanding. She just wants to feel normal… and loved. If anything can make Paige Michalchuck feel those two things it's Alex Nunez's lips... whatever they may happen to be doing.
"Hey," Paige answers, smiling just a bit. Alex returns the small smile with one of her own and leans in to kiss Paige twice. A quick peck on the forehead, then a more lingering one on her lips. After she pulls away from Paige's mouth, Alex gathers Paige into her arms and leans back on the bed, pulling her partner with her. Alex cradles Paige in her arms and softly strokes her fair hair, as Paige busies herself listening to the relaxing rhythm of Alex's heartbeat.
"I'm sorry Alex," Paige says, breaking their companionable silence.
"For what?"
"For waking you up. I know you have a big exam tomorrow." Alex has to fight not to roll her eyes at Paige's absurd misplacement of school on her priorities list.
"Don't. You know it's not nearly as important as this. As you." Paige sighs at Alex's loving words and holds onto her anchor tighter.
"I know. It's just… sometimes I feel so silly, so angry. It's been three years since the trial, nearly five since the incident. When will this end?"
Alex searches for an answer that she knows she won't find. The only thing else she can think to do is pull Paige closer reminding her that even if the nightmares never end, they will always have this dream when Paige wakes up.
"Was it a really bad one? I haven't seen you that out of control in a while," Alex tentatively asks once she thinks it's safe to. Paige takes a moment to think.
"No. No, I don't think so. It was pretty much the same as always. He just shows up... and he pushes me down. No one's there… I-I can't fight him," Paige drifts off, her voice becoming weak. Alex recognizes the warning signs and quickly moves to turn Paige's face back toward hers.
"No! Don't go back there. Stay with me. Stay here, right here," Alex says, taking Paige's hand and putting it over her heart. Alex's motions quickly stop Paige from slipping further and she blinks back several times, before taking another deep breath.
"Damn it! Again!" Paige exclaims, feeling disgusted with herself and how much power she still allows Dean the Dick to have over her.
"Paige, it's alright. Don't beat yourself up. This is a normal reaction. Just remember, it's just a dream."
"Stop saying that, Alex! Obviously it is NOT just a dream!" Paige yells, yanking herself away from Alex. Alex knows it's the distancing, both literally and figuratively, that hurts more than the biting words.
They say nothing to each other for a few moments. The night falls heavily around them, and the Toronto streets below their apartment are alive and vibrant. But inside, the two girls feel dead and dull. Words unspoken cloud the air above their heads threatening to suffocate them. Paige feels it's her turn to save the day.
"I'm sorry," she admits softly, her words slicing the tension like a knife. Alex doesn't turn her head back towards Paige, and chooses instead to stare blankly at a hole in the wall she keeps meaning to fix. Paige sees this and captures Alex's hands in her own kissing them both tenderly.
"Really hun, I am. It's just… It never feels like a dream; never. I-I can't explain it. It's just something you have to experience to understand. I wish you could." At this, Alex whips her head towards Paige with a grave look on her face. Paige immediately backtracks.
"No, Alex no. That's not what I meant. After all that really did happen to you, I thank God you were spared at least that terror." Alex's expression softens and she looks back down at their joined hands. Paige pulls her face back towards her own.
"I only meant that if it had happened to you, you would already know what I can't describe. That's all. It was a thoughtless comment. Forgive me," Paige pleads. Alex instantly melts and kisses Paige's lips.
"There's nothing to forgive," she assures through the kiss. Paige sighs and smiles.
"Alex," she whispers, without breaking contact with the other girl's mouth.
Alex smiles. She loves when Paige says her name like that, possessive and passionate. Like she has to remind herself that Alex is really there with her, belonging to her. It makes her feel like at that moment she's everything to Paige. What she has still yet to realize is that to Paige, she's everything at EVERY moment.
"Let's try to get some sleep," Alex suggests, reluctantly pulling away from the heaven that is a Michalchuck kiss.
After a brief hesitation, Paige nods and cuddles herself into Alex's body. Alex wraps her arms around her girl and closes her eyes. She is not so much preparing to sleep (she never sleeps well after Paige has a night mare), as settling into a peaceful quiet that she knows Paige will need if she is to get any sleep at all. Alex listens to Paige's slowly steadying breathing, while she goes over all the facts she needs to know for her physical therapy exam. Just when Alex thinks Paige is asleep, the girl surprises her by speaking softly but firmly.
"It's his eyes, Alex," Paige says, without moving at all. For a moment Alex thinks she's talking in her sleep until Paige tightens her hold on Alex's body.
"If only you could see his eyes. They're dark... so very, very dark. If you could just know that darkness then you would understand everything."
Silence.
After a few more moments in the comfort of Alex's arms Paige falls asleep, confident that whatever monsters lay behind her eye-lids, her white (tanked) knight will save her. Her knight, however, lays very much awake facing the monsters in her mind. Her heart races as Paige's last words keep running through her head.
"If you could just know that darkness then you would understand everything."
There's a part I can't tell
How can she? How can Alex look Paige in the eyes and tell her that's she's basically been lying to her this whole time? How can she admit that her ignorance of Paige's ordeal has all just been one big act?How can she tell Paige that she hadn't been spared that terror? How can she say that she knows very well what that darkness is like, because she's seen it
About the dark I know well
She's seen it many times.
You say
"Time for bed now child," a man says, his hand resting on a little girl's shoulder.
Twelve year-old Alex Nunez has been sitting in front of the tv screen anxiously dreading this moment. She knew it was coming; knew it would happen soon. In fact for the past hour, she hasn't been paying a bit of attention to the show that was on. She's been much too preoccupied counting down the minutes until her "bed-time". The second the credits start to roll at the end of the program His hand is on her shoulder and she has to fight not to jump. She manages to still most of her knee-jerk impulses and only lets a slight flinch escape her body. Slowly she turns her face to look up at him. The first thing she notices are his eyes.
His very dark eyes.
"Can't I stay up just a little while longer?" Alex pleads. She doesn't know why she asks. She knows exactly what the answer will be. But she feels she must at least try.
"No. You have school in the morning. You know the rules," He says, his hand tightening on her shoulder. A warning not to push. She knows the consequences. She tries again anyway.
"Please?" she begs, this time aiming the question toward her mother.
Mom just smiles that smile
"No, sweetheart. He's right. It's already late. Go get ready for bed," Emily Nunez tells her daughter forcing a smile that never quite reaches her eyes. '
Alex wants to cry. Can't her mother see what's going on? Can't she tell what Alex is really asking her? Can't she see that she's desperately looking to be saved? Alex tries to convey this all into a look, knowing that if she says anything it'll only make things worse. Her mother looks at her sadly before turning away and tightly closing her eyes.
Just like she never saw me
Emily turns and flees down the hallway of the apartment into her room, making noises that sound faintly like sobbing. A lone tear falls down Alex's face when she hears her mother's bedroom door close.
Just like she never saw me
"You heard your mother. You heard me. Now go," He says strictly, his hand now bruising her shoulder in his firm grip. She knows anymore objections will only bring trouble.
So I leave wanting just to hide
The walk to her bedroom is almost surreal. As she goes, she looks to all the windows and doors of her tiny apartment, hoping for an escape. But all the windows are too high and all the doors lead only to places where He can find her. There is no escape.
Knowing deep inside
She's barely conscious of her actions as she brushes her teeth and puts on her night clothes. As she's putting on her pants, she notices her hands shaking, and becomes increasingly aware of that feeling in the pit of her stomach that makes her want to vomit. She gets down on her knees to pray. Yes, Alex Nunez once believed in the power of prayer before too many unanswered ones confirmed her suspicions that there really was no one listening after all. Even back then, she knew her efforts were in vain because she could hear the creak of the floorboards grow louder as he grew closer.
You are coming to me
She tries not to cry out when she hears the door knob turn, and fights not to scream when she sees Him standing in her door way.
You are coming to me
She is convinced. There is no God.
You say all you want is just a kiss goodnight
"Come on, Lexi. Just one little kiss, so Daddy can go to sleep. You know I can't sleep without your kisses," he says softly, charmingly, gently stroking her cheek.
He's on her bed now. She wants to fight him off but knows there's no use. She leans in and gives him a proper light peck on the cheek. He laughs mercilessly at her.
"You know that's not what I meant. Kiss me right, like I taught you."
She cringes, but obediently moves to kiss his lips. No sooner do her lips touch his does she feel his tongue force it's way into her mouth. She gags, but he ignores her and pulls her closer.
Then you hold me and you whisper
"Child the Lord won't mind. So don't you say it's wrong. Lie down... now. Don't make me make you," He spits. The niceties are over.
She makes soft whimpers of protests as he begins to take off her clothes. Not enough to upset him, just enough to by some small miracle, maybe make him want to stop. But he doesn't. She dares to speak.
"But mom..." a slap stops her speech.
"No. It's just you and me," he tells her firmly. His dark eyes bore into hers and stop any further objections she might have. She just closes her eyes, as he takes in her naked body.
"Child, you're a beauty," he tells her, running his hands over her developing curves.
She wants to die when she feels him climb on top of her.
"God, it's good... the lovin... aint it good tonight?" he pants as he continuously invades her body.
She wants to tell him that it's never good, but she knows that he doesn't actually care. She keeps her eyes closed, and continues to try and pretend that what's happening really isn't.
"You aint seen nothin yet... gonna treat you right."
She fights not to laugh at the irony and absurdity of his statement.
"It's just you and me... child you're a beauty," he grunts.
Again, she knows he's not talking to her as much to himself, so she remains quiet.
I don't scream
Though I know it's wrong
She doesn't care what he says, she knows that what he's doing to her now is not right. That she shouldn't have to go through this. But there's no one to turn to and to fight back would only result in a beating. Then he would take what he wants anyway, so what's the point?
I just play along
"It's better this way," she tries to convince herself.
Lie there and breathe
That's all she has to do. Soon it will be over.
Lie there and breathe
He doesn't know the difference anyway.
I wanna be strong
I want the world to find out
Many times, when she travels outside of herself while he's on her, she imagines how different her life could be. She imagines that someday her mother will get the courage to fight for her and they'll leave and live happily ever after together. Then again, maybe she could tell a teacher. Some one like Mr. Simpson who seems to love kids, but never in the way He does. He could protect both her mother and her, and they could all be a family. Or Jay. She'd tell Jay, and somehow, he'd miraculously grow big enough to beat Him up for her. She knows he would if he could, if he knew.
That you're dreaming on me
But he can't, and he doesn't know. No one knows. Her dreams are just that. Dreams. She knows it, but more importantly... He knows it.
Me and my beauty
"You're so beautiful... so fucking beautiful," he groans, his thrusts growing more and more erratic.
She knows he's coming close to the end. He always tells her that she's beautiful as he climaxes, making her feel anything but. She's tried to dress ugly to ward him away. She spends the little money her mother does give her on clothes for packs of white tank tops and baggy pants. But nothing seems to stop him, and he always thinks she's "beautiful". Which, just let's her know... he never even looks at her at all.
Me and my beauty
"Beautiful... oh!" He screams, finishing on top of her.
He rests on her, hugging her fiercely for a few moments, then climbs off. He gathers his clothes, kisses her on the forehead, and leaves without saying another word. Inside the room, Alex shakes and cries profusely.
Outside her head, Alex is completely unaware that she is actually shaking or that real tears are streaming down her face. She is so trapped in her memories that she's completely oblivious to anything that's really going on until Paige is awakened by tears falling on her cheeks. Alarmed, she quickly rises up to see her girlfriend crying hard and trembling uncontrollably.
"Alex...?" Paige asks, completely in shock at the sight of her protector falling to pieces in front of her.
Alex is only vaguely aware of Paige, still caught up in the same dreadful images from her past.
You say all you want is just a kiss good night
"That's a lie! That's never all you want!" Alex screams, her eyes still closed tightly, body still rocking. Paige grows even more frantic.
"Alex, what are you talking about? Answer me!" Paige yells back, now grabbing a hold of Alex's shoulders. Alex just shakes her head more fiercely, as the continues to play out in front of her.
Then you hold me and you whisper
"Child the Lord won't mind"
"Don't. Please, don't," Alex whimpers.
"You're scaring me. Alex, please…" Paige begs, now beginning to cry herself.
"It's just you and me... Child, you're a beauty."
"I don't want to be. Not anymore," Alex cries. Now Paige can only sit back and watch, completely lost as to what's happening and how to make it stop.
"God it's good... the lovin... aint it good tonight? You aint seen nothing yet... gonna teach you right."
"Stop!" Alex pleads. Paige pulls her into her arms, Alex fighting all the while.
"It's just you and me... Child you're a beauty."
"Somebody please. Make it stop," Alex sobs.
Paige can't take it anymore. She pulls back from Alex and does the only thing she can think to do. She slaps her. Hard. Finally, Alex opens her eyes and focuses them on Paige. She looks just as lost and confused as Paige imagines she does when she comes out of one of her nightmares. The roles are reversed. Now it's Alex who falls into Paige, calling her name. It's Paige who holds onto her lover tightly, murmuring soft words in her ear until the girl quiets down. When she does, it's Paige who pulls back first and showers her girl with protective and comforting kisses. It takes only two (one on the forehead, one on the cheek) before Alex is responding to the third on her lips. That's when Paige knows it's going to be okay. What she still doesn't know however, is what the meltdown was all about in the first place.
"Alex, what was that? I've never seen you like that. You were acting like I do when…" Paige trails off, as a light bulb goes on in her head. She holds Alex's face in her hands and looks into her eyes sincerely.
"Alex, is there something you're not telling me? Were you really…" Paige lets the question hang, unable to finish the thought herself.
There's a part I can't tell
About the dark I know well
Alex looks up into the adoring eyes of her girlfriend, and sees nothing but tenderness and sincerity.
"God, I love this girl," she thinks, her heart beat accelerating just by looking into Paige's eyes.
"But she can never know." She is resolute on this fact and besides a split seconds hesitation, does not even consider the possibility of telling Paige what her screams really meant.
"No, Paige I wasn't. I guess hearing about what happened to you just triggered dreams about what happened to me. About me being… hit," Alex lies, turning her face away in guilt. Paige mistakes the gesture for shame and quickly reaches to console her.
"Oh, sweetie. I should have known. I'm sorry," Paige tells her, holding her lovingly in her arms. Paige's apology weighs heavily on Alex's conscience and she battles inwardly over whether she should tell the truth or not.
There's a part I can't tell
About the dark I know well
She wants to tell her, she really does, but she can't. She can't because Paige needs Alex to be strong for her in this area. She can't because she herself needs an area where Paige needs for her to be strong. Paige is always forgiving her mistakes, always fighting to understand her background. Always playing the leader in their relationship, and coming to her rescue. But when Paige wakes up in a cold sweat from a nightmare, it's Alex who gets to be the superhero. It's Alex who gets to play the protector. It's those times when Alex is the one who is needed, not the other way around as is far too often. Simply put, sometimes she needs to feel needed.
There's a part I can't tell
About the dark I know well
So she'll keep her secret, no matter how much it hurts her to do so. She'll keep pretending that the abuse she endured as a child ended at whoopings that went too far and being at the wrong place at the wrong time during drunken binges. She'll let Paige continue to think she's a rock so her princess can fall into her arms and look up at her like she's something special. She has to. Because it's only in those moments, with Paige wrapped in her embrace looking into her eyes, that she truly believes she is.
"Kiss me, Paigey. Let's make the dark go away," Alex suggests huskily, wanting to escape the only way she's found actually works.
Paige smirks at her girlfriend's insatiableness. It never ceases to amaze her that Alex always seems to think sex is the solution to every problem. Just like it never ceases to amaze her that sex with Alex actually does make most things better. Feeling loved and protected is certainly one of those things, so Paige gives in to Alex's advances and opens up without even the slightest protestation.
Alex marvels at how different love with Paige is. Every kiss, every caress, every moan and arch she savors. When Paige tells her that it's just the two of them, it's a comfort not a threat. When Paige asks her if she feels good, she screams yes and doesn't ask the question in return because her girlfriend's lust-laced groans make it unnecessary. When Paige touches her it hurts in only the most delicious of ways. But most of all, when Paige tells her she's beautiful, she honestly believes she is.
Afterwards, when they are spent in each others arms whispering declarations of love and promises of forever, neither has a single thought about the uglier events of the night. Bathed in the glow of early morning, Paige's lips repeatedly skating across her heated skin, Alex doesn't wonder about divulging her secrets. She knows that in these precious moments, the moments that really mean anything at all, it doesn't matter. The two girls may share an understanding of a darkness only one is aware of, but they both experience the light they create together. And it's that connection that is truly important.
There's a part I can't tell
About the dark I know well
Because I know the light better.
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