A/N: Well...this is where insomnia and Disney music will get you at 4 am...
Disclaimer: I do not own FMA or Disney and if I did, there would still be hand drawn flicks…possibly staring Edward Elric…or cheese…well enjoy.
Roy paused as he realized the bare truth of the situation. A single Havoc meant an unhappy soldier and an unhappy soldier would reflect on his work and ultimately…screw Roy over. There was only one thing to be done. "Falman, I need you to find Lt. Havoc a girlfriend." Roy summed up. Falman issued a small complaint but never the less, exited the room leaving Lt. Hawkeye glaring at Roy.
"Sir, are you sure you should be meddling in Lt. Havoc's love life?" She wondered, "There are more important things than that." Her hint was subtle but held a warning to get his paperwork done before he played Yenta.
Roy locked eyes with his unwavering pillar of strength and blinked. He was about to open his mouth to issue a rebuttal when Jean Havoc poked his head in the office.
"You wanted to see me, Boss?" he questioned uncertainly, the unlit cigarette hanging precariously by a prayer from his mouth. Surely the cause of the meeting was due to the now discovered "Roy Mustang Observation Journals". Jean saw Riza give the colonel a warning glance before returning to her desk as Roy invited Jean to sit down, like a spider welcoming a fly.
The Flame Alchemist examined his bone white ignition cloth gloves for a few minutes before he looked up at Havoc and sang in a rippling baritone voice, "Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Havoc,
looking so down in the dumps."
Jean gave Roy a perplexed look and asked uncertainly, "Um Boss…why did you break out in song?"
Roy stood up and sweep his arms to encompass the room where Fury, Breda and Riza sat doing work as he continued to sing encouragingly. "Every guy here'd love to be you, Havoc, even when thinking your lumps!"
The second Lieutenant shook his head in debate. So it was about the girls he so rudely stole from under his nose was it? Havoc felt a strange and randomly sudden urge to sing and crooned in a toe curling tenor voice, "There's no man in town as admired as you.
You're ev'ryone's favorite guy! Ev'ryone's awed and inspired by you
and it's not very hard to see why…" He trailed off and opened a closet door filled with a hoard of fangirls donning Roy's proposed mini skirts. They all screamed in joy as they caught sight of their "man". Not wanting to release Pandora's Box, Havoc shut the door. He continued to sing sarcastically, mimicking what he believed women would say about Roy. "No one's slick as Mustang! No one's quick as Mustang."
"No one's head's as incredibly thick as Mustang." A highly annoyed Riza quipped over her work in a clear soprano voice.
Still mimicking what he believed women would say about Roy, Havoc began to wringing his hands as he sang, "For there's no man in town half as manly; perfect, a pure paragon. You can ask any Cain, Vato or Breda…and they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on…"
He cast the other two a look as Falman returned to the office. With in moments, the three backed Havoc's claims up in song.
"No one's been like Mustang. A king pin like Mustang." They sang, "No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Mustang."
Roy puffed up with pride, of course, what they were saying was all true. "As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating." He admitted as Ed and Al poked their heads in to issue a report. Although at the sight of everyone singing, they looked at each other reluctantly.
"My what a guy, that Mustang." Havoc, Fury, Breda and Falman agreed through song, 'Give five "hurrahs!' Give twelve 'hip-hips!'"
Roy nodded in acknowledgement and added, "Mustang is the best and Fullmetal's just short!!!"
Upon hearing this, the well practiced vein on Ed's forehead began to throb uncontrollably as Ed dared anyone to admit again to his height…or lack thereof. Meanwhile the four officers sang, "No one fights like Mustang, douses lights like Mustang. In a wrestling match nobody bites like Gaston."
Riza set down her pen. Her patience was wearing thin as she almost uncharacteristically added in a purposely ditsy and mocking voice, "For there's no one as burly and brawny…"
At the mention of brawn, the door burst open to Alex Louis Armstrong standing in the hero's pose in the threshold. With his fists placed on his hips he added in a deep bass voice, "As you see I've got biceps to spare!"
"Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny." Al observed due to the fact that he simply had to have at least one line in a musical fic. Meanwhile his brother still fumed.
"That's right!" Armstrong agreed with gusto. He opened his mouth to add more to his wonderful self but Fury got there before him and holding up Black Hayate, sang while motioning to the puppy, "And ev'ry last inch of him's covered with hair!" He set the puppy down who ran to his mistress, highly confused and scared of the random singing.
"No one hits like Mustang." The quartet sang as Armstrong flexed and Ed fumed. "Matches wits like Mustang. In a spitting match nobody spits like Mustang.
Roy nodded and agreed through song, "I'm espcially good at expectorating." He then leaned over and spat out the window.
"Ten points for Mustang!" Breda cheered, alone in his praise. An awkward silence fell over the group wherein Armstrong took it as his moment and informed the others as he flexed, "Spitting has been an art of the Armstrong family for generations! Passed down by my noble great-great-great grandfather…"
"No one shoots like Mustang-" Havoc continued but at receiving a pointed look from Hawkeye, "er…Hawkeye…" With a slight nod from her, Havoc continued his song with a bitter tone, "Makes those beauts like Mustang, then goes tromping around wearing boots like Mustang.
"I use fire in all of my decorating." Mustang added, snapping his finger and igniting a small desk for visual effect.
"Say it again." Everyone crooned, "Who's a man among men? And let's say it once more, Who's the hero next door? Who's a super success? Don't you know? Can't you guess? Ask his fansgirls and five fingered son!" They paused for dramatic effect and all glances were on Edward as they recalled the time he was kidnapped due to the falsehood that he was Roy's son.
"There's just one guy in town who's got all of it down!" Havoc summed up as he sat down in his chair. "And his name's M-U-S… M-U-S-T – E… M-U-S-T…"
Havoc's train of thought derailed as the click of a gun cocking sounded like a bell. It seemed that the first lieutenant had enough and pressed her favorite sidearm at Roy's back. "…finish the paperwork." She quipped dangerously with a flat voice. Roy nodded as he sat down at his desk and picked up his pen. Riza shot everyone a look to kill as they all backed away. But before they left they had to finish the song (for reasons of closure)and belted out in a layered harmony, "MUSTANG!!!" They held it out until the music ended with a 'ba-dum-dum' and they all promptly shut the door behind them.
Suddenly the door swung open as Ed yelled exactly what he believed Roy was "…IS AN ASS!" With his piece said, he shut the door leaving Jean, Roy and Hawkeye alone in the room. A silence fell over them for a moment until Roy looked up at Havoc and straightened his ignition cloth glove.
"I, for one, feel a lot better about the situation." He informed Jean as a way of dismissing him back to duty.
Fin