---

(At CAMERON'S apartment, on a DARK AND STORMY NIGHT. CHASE and CAMERON are seated on her couch.)

CAMERON: Did you hear what House said to Wilson today? It was so mean.

CHASE: Yeah, I'm sure it was. Want to have sex now?

CAMERON: I just don't understand why House is always so mean.

CHASE: Uh, because he's a raving lunatic.

CAMERON: How can you say that? House is just misunderstood. Inside, he's as innocent as a newborn lamb!

CHASE: (snorts)

CAMERON: All he needs is a little love.

CHASE: Or a straightjacket.

CAMERON: (glares) For someone who wants to have sex so badly, you're sure not working very hard to make it happen.

CHASE: Right, sorry!

CAMERON: Whatever. I'll be in my room. (exits.)

CHASE: (walks to the bathroom.) I'll be right there.

CAMERON: Well, hurry up, or I'll have to find someone else to have convenient no-strings-attached sex with.

CHASE: (to himself) I can't let Cameron leave me for House. There has to be a way to make her stay. I know! (pokes holes into condom with needle.) Once I impregnate Cameron, there is absolutely no way she'll leave me for House. It's foolproof. (laughs diabolically)

CAMERON: (yells from other room) Chase! Why aren't we having sex yet?

CHASE: Coming! (evil giggle) In more ways than one…

---

(In CUDDY'S office, the next day.)

CUDDY: Good Lord, Wilson. That was mind-blowing.

WILSON: (pulls his shirt on) I know.

CUDDY: (glare)

WILSON: But you were better! (cheesy smile)

CUDDY: (wistfully) If only we could really express our love by having a child together.

WILSON: A child?

CUDDY: A child! But alas, I do not seem to be able to give birth to a child.

WILSON: If only we could find some moron who would carry the child instead of you.

CUDDY: But where would we find such a person?

(CAMERON walks by the office.)

CUDDY and WILSON: Hmmm…

CUDDY: (singing)
My dearest, darling Wilson,
We've hatched a perfect little plot.
It's going off without a hitch,
There's no way we're getting caught.

WILSON: (singing)
First, we're getting Cameron

Pregnant with our kid.
But we're doing it in secret,

No one can know what we did.

CUDDY: (singing)

Then when the time comes,
She'll have a very difficult labor.
And luckily for us,

It'll be up to me to save her.

WILSON: (singing)
After Cameron's out of danger,

And happy to not be dead,
She'll give us the baby,
And we'll raise it instead…

CUDDY: TO THE FERTILITY LAB!

CUDDY and WILSON: (laugh diabolically)

(CUDDY and WILSON exit.)

---

(FOREMAN enters.)

FOREMAN: So Cuddy and Wilson fertilized her egg with his sperm and knocked Cameron out during one of her prenatal visits. Because, you see, Chase did succeed in knocking her up. Anyway, Cuddy and Wilson switched the embryos and waited with great anticipation for the blessed event. They planned to give Cameron some kind of pills that would ensure a difficult birth. Want to know what I did during all of this? Not a damn thing. I hate fanfic.

(singing)

They give Chase all the attention.
He cries, whines and slits his wrists.
He gets sex-change operations,

But no one knows Foreman exists.

Cameron gets all angsty,
House and Wilson have tons of sex,
Cuddy's character is studied,
But about me everyone forgets.

Even this stupid, stupid musical:
The only way I could be in it
Was to talk about the others
And I've gotta leave in a minute!

So please don't forget about me,
And write me into your stupid fics.
'Cause if you guys don't stop ignoring me,
Shore's gonna give me the deep six. (is yanked off stage with HOUSE'S cane)

---

(At a delivery room in PPTH)

CHASE: (paces around) It's here! The event that will keep my beloved Cameron from House forever has finally arrived.

CAMERON: What are you talking about?

CHASE: I love you?

CAMERON: (screams in pain)

CHASE: Push!

CAMERON: Oh, it's out.

CHASE: Cool. What do you want to name it?

(Outside the room)

CUDDY: What the fuck, Wilson? I thought you gave Cameron the difficult-birth pills.

WILSON: I put them in her peanut butter sandwich earlier today.

CUDDY: Well, you obviously didn't.

HOUSE: Hey Wilson, what's the DDX for having contractions when you're not pregnant?

CUDDY: (hisses to Wilson) You stupid, stupid idiot.

(tears well up in WILSON'S eyes)

(HOUSE and WILSON exit)

CUDDY: (singing)

Oh, my evil plan was foiled.
Cameron isn't in my debt,
All because of stupid Wilson.
But this isn't over yet!

I'm going to get that baby,
No matter how long it takes.
And this time Wilson isn't helping;
There'll be no more mistakes.

---

(HOUSE enters.)

HOUSE: Something's up.

(singing)
Cuddy's in cahoots with Wilson, and

Cameron's having Chase's baby.
One of them could have lost a bet,
Perhaps, I don't know, maybe.

Whatever's going on here,
Everyone should know this:
I'm going to find out,
And I'm going to expose this.

I'll start by watching Cuddy,

I'm thinking she's the key.
I'm getting to the bottom of this,
YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME.
(diabolical laughter)

(HOUSE exits)

---

(FOREMAN enters)

FOREMAN: House listened in on some conversations and heard Cuddy plotting to steal the child. He deduced that it was her child, and stole her soup spoon to run the test. Upon confirmation, all he had to do was find out who the father was. Oh, and me? I ate a sandwich. ALL I ASK FOR IS A LITTLE ATTENTION!

(FOREMAN starts to leave, then stops)

Oh, yeah. House decided to get the DNA from all his suspects in a … most unusual manner. And I wasn't even on the list.

(FOREMAN exits)

---

(WILSON'S office. HOUSE enters)

HOUSE: Hey Wilson, come here!

WILSON: What do you want?

(HOUSE pulls WILSON into a passionate kiss. After they are done making out, HOUSE limps away, swabbing his cheek.)

WILSON: OH HO! What the hell was that? (pause) I liked it.

(Spotlight shines on WILSON.)

WILSON: (singing)
I made out with my best friend,
I should be disgusted.
But instead I kind of liked it.
If House finds out, I'm busted.

I have no future with Cuddy,
All she wants is a child.
But thinking about House,

Really drives me wild.

I don't know what to do,
I think I'll just wait.
And let him make the first move,
Oh, I hope he isn't straight!

(WILSON exits.)

---

(FOREMAN enters)

FOREMAN: House continued making out with suspected fathers of Cuddy's baby. After he finished his investigation, House went to the DNA lab and paid off some lab tech to rush the tests. One night, House gathered everyone in Cuddy's office and prepared to reveal the results. I wasn't even invited.

(FOREMAN leaves)

---

(CUDDY'S office, on another DARK AND STORMY NIGHT)

HOUSE: (stands) I think you all know why I've gathered you here tonight.

FOREMAN: (lurks in a corner)

CAMERON: Actually, we don't. What's going on?

THE BABY: (cries)

CHASE: House, what's this all about?

HOUSE: You are NOT the father of Cameron's baby.

CAMERON: (clutches pearls) Well, I never!

CHASE: Traitorous harlot woman!

CAMERON: I never cheated on you! I didn't even think about my poor dead husband!

HOUSE: Oh, and Cameron, you aren't the mother.

WILSON and CUDDY: (guilty looks)

CAMERON: What? What are you talking about?

HOUSE: That's not your baby. It's Cuddy and Wilson's. Apparently, they've been having illicit meetings in the fertility labs. They switched their embryo with yours so you'd give birth to the child for them.

CHASE: Then where's our baby?

HOUSE: They killed it!

WILSON: You lie!

CUDDY: Well so what? I did it! And I'd do it again if I had the chance.

CAMERON: I can't believe you! I'm calling my lawyer.

CUDDY: Well so am I. And by my lawyer, I mean … Stacy.

EVERYONE: (gasps) Not Stacy!

---

(In the Diagnostics room)

CAMERON: (singing)
I can't believe they did this,
They had no right!
But we're not giving up,
Without a fight.

CHASE: (singing)
Does it really matter that much?

We can always try again.
That baby isn't ours,
Our poor kid was slain.

CAMERON: (singing)
That's exactly why we're doing this,
Cuddy and Wilson are evil.
We're taking them to court—

CHASE: (singing)
But that'll cause a huge upheaval!

CAMERON: I don't give a damn!

CHASE: Well, fine then. We'll call a lawyer.

(FOREMAN enters.)

FOREMAN: Did somebody say lawyer?

CHASE: Foreman, what are you doing?

FOREMAN: (singing)

You guys kept ignoring me,

So I became a lawyer.
I think I'm really good at it,
They'll call me "the destroyer".

CHASE: Foreman, it's been like a day since House exposed Cuddy and Wilson. How'd you become a lawyer overnight?

FOREMAN: I got an email from a "prestigious unaccredited university". I sent 50 bucks and they FedExed me a law degree.

CHASE: Foreman, those things are a scam.

FOREMAN: No duh. I was just sick of having to narrate this damn thing.

CHASE: What are you charging for your legal services?

FOREMAN: (thinks hard) A dollar.

CHASE: Done.

CAMERON: Cheap-ass.

FOREMAN: Let's go plan our strategy.

(They exit.)

---

(Enter EVIL NURSE BRENDA, wearing a showgirl outfit.)

EVIL NURSE BRENDA: The trial's about to start, so here's a musical number to tide you over…

(singing)

I don't see them very often,

But I've got everyone's number.
Here's a song about all of them,

Before the trial makes you want to slumber.

House is a limping douchebag,
Eats Vicodin like it's candy.
If he's got stuff to bitch about,
Everything's fine and dandy.

Wilson and House are BFF,

But I think there's something deeper.
House needs to go for it,
'Cause that Wilson is a keeper.

Cuddy's the boss of all of us,
She loves wearing low-cut tops.
When she and House start snarking,
The sexual tension never stops.

Cameron's usually a whiner,
And she has a little crush.
Every time House talks to her,
Her brain turns to mush.

Chase is a rich white boy,
With great-looking blonde hair.
When he walks into an exam room,
All the patients stop and stare.

Foreman stabbed Cameron with a needle,
And told her she wasn't a friend.
In the field of being an asshole,
House is the only one he can't transcend.

There you go, that's everyone,
They're all kind of off the wall.
But one day they'll bow to me,
AND I WILL RULE THEM ALL.

(diabolical laughter)

(EVIL NURSE BRENDA exits.)

---

(In a courtroom. CUDDY, WILSON, and STACY are seated at one table, and CAMERON, CHASE, and FOREMAN are seated at the other. HOUSE is lurking the shadows in the back.)

JUDGE: So, what seems to be the problem here?

CAMERON: They killed my baby!

CUDDY: Well, they won't give back my baby!

CHASE: Because you killed ours!

CUDDY: So?

JUDGE: I've got to step in before this use of italics gets out of control. Guys, let your lawyers do the talking.

FOREMAN: I object!

JUDGE: Mail-order law degree?

CHASE: (nods)

JUDGE: Does the defense have anything to add?

STACY: There's nothing wrong with performing life-changing medical procedures on someone without their knowledge.

JUDGE: (facepalm)

(HOUSE hits a gigantic PAUSE button conveniently located next to him.)

HOUSE: This trial lasted for, well, for about 23 episodes. A bunch of people died because (whiny voice) no one would do a differential diagnosis with me! (stomps foot) Anyway, I started talking to the judge during the frequent recesses—Chase's hair won't just gel itself, you know—and I mentioned that I've been working with all these psychos for years. She asked me for some character references. Now they'll have to pay attention to me (hits giant FAST FORWARD button, then presses PLAY and walks up to the witness stand).

JUDGE: So, Doctor House, what can you tell me about who should have the right to parent this child?

HOUSE: Cameron took crystal meth a couple of years ago.

CAMERON: But—

HOUSE: It was after she thought she might have gotten AIDS.

CAMERON: Because someone coughed blood on me!

HOUSE: She also blackmailed me into going on a date with her. (shakes head sadly)

CUDDY: Ha! Take that, Chase and Cameron!

HOUSE: Cuddy asked men out on dates as a cover for determining if they were good enough to donate sperm to father her child. (matter-of-factly) She's a sperm addict.

CUDDY: Hey!

HOUSE: She also dresses rather slutty sometimes. Is this the kind of mother figure you want the child to have?

JUDGE: Um, okay. What about Doctor Wilson?

HOUSE: (pulls out five-subject notebook) Do you want the list alphabetically or by date?

JUDGE: Surprise me.

(Five hours later)

JUDGE: It seems that the only one of these people that isn't totally depraved is Doctor Chase.

HOUSE: Ah, but let me tell you about this one time... (whispers to JUDGE)

JUDGE: And he kissed her?

CHASE: I WAS JUST TRYING TO GIVE A DYING GIRL HER FINAL WISH. Let it die, people! (pause) And seriously, can I help it if the chicks dig me? (hair flip)

HOUSE: And when Cameron called you, high on meth and wanting sex?

CHASE: She might have had AIDS, I couldn't just say no!

JUDGE: I think we've heard enough. I'm gong to make my decision now. (exits)

---

(JUDGE enters the courtroom)

JUDGE: Since I don't really think any of you are fit to parent a child, I was going to give it to Doctor House, but he looks as though he'd devour it or make it into a paperweight. So, I flipped a coin. Custody goes to Doctors Cuddy and Wilson.

CUDDY: YES! (diabolical laughter)

CAMERON: No!

CHASE: Now there's nothing to stop Cameron for leaving me for House!

(record scratches)

CAMERON: What?

CHASE: Nothing. I sneezed.

CAMERON: No you didn't. You said that I would leave you for House if we didn't have the baby.

CHASE: Um, what I meant was—

CAMERON: Did you…get me pregnant so I would stay with you?

CHASE: No, not really…

CAMERON: Yes, you did! I can't believe you! (storms off in a huff)

CHASE: Crap. (puts face into hands and cries)

CUDDY: You can do better than her.

CHASE: (lifts tear-stained face to look at CUDDY) I can?

CUDDY: I'm impressed with your plotting skills.

CHASE: You are?

CUDDY: Get Cameron pregnant? That's genius. You knew she'd never be able to leave a poor hopeless baby.

CHASE: I guess it was pretty good.

CUDDY: Come on, walk with me. We'll talk.

(CUDDY puts her arm around CHASE and the two exit)

WILSON: But—but what about me? (pause) Wait, I didn't like her anyway. Hey, House!

HOUSE: What?

WILSON: I think I love you.

HOUSE: Would you ever cut off one of my body parts while I was in a medically induced coma?

WILSON: NEVER!

HOUSE: Well, okay then.

(HOUSE and WILSON exit, arm in arm)

CAMERON: (pokes head in) Well, where does this leave me?

FOREMAN: Hey, Cameron, could I borrow your notes on our latest case?

CAMERON: (glares)