Thoughts of Home.
Part One.
I decided to do a spin off to 'Time to Heal' but I think this can also be read as a standalone story.
'Home is not a place, it's a feeling.'
- How do Mike and Andrea cope when Mike is redeployed for four months?
This is an in depth look at how both Mike and Andrea cope when Mike is redeployed, they've been so close for five years, how will they cope with four months apart and all of the memories of their last two deployments? With two teens and a new born, both must overcome fears and other feelings to make it work.
Reviews are loved and appreciated. All mistakes are mine, let me know at the end if you want more of this story!
Disclaimer – I own nothing.
Andrea laid in bed, her eyes scanning over Mike as he checked his uniform again in the mirror. Neither of them had spoken, honestly, Andrea didn't think Mike knew she was awake, but then again, he probably didn't want to talk even if she was.
Today would be hard. Andrea couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen. The last two times she'd step foot on a ship it had only broken her heart and lead her into a downward spiral of depression and self-doubt.
Deep down she was pleased, happy even. Mike had always wanted his own command, and she was proud to say her husband was getting to command the most famous ship in the world, but it still broke her heart to watch him leave. He was coming back, and she knew that, but she had become attached, probably more so than what was good for her. For the last five years, she had relied on him, she had fallen in love and to know that he would be away for four months would be hard. He was no longer a few miles away training cadets, he was no longer camping with Tom and his kids. Mike would be in the middle of the ocean, with only a static line at his disposal to keep up with all that was happening at home.
"I think it's been too long since I've seen you in dress whites," Andrea said, she hadn't spoken yet, so her voice was scratchy and quiet.
"Glad they still make an impression." Andrea smiled, pulling herself up to a sitting position.
"I don't think there will ever be a time when I don't like to see you in uniform, Captain," Andrea told him, but she knew him almost as well as he knew her, and it was clear to see they were both masking feelings.
Mike moved to sit down on the bed, reaching over to her, taking hold of her hand to gently pull her into his arms.
"You're going to be okay, love." Andrea nodded into his chest, not wanting to lift her head up, honestly, not wanting Mike to see her cry. She didn't want him to feel guilty about leaving, she was happy he was deploying in a way. He was a Navy Captain, he belonged at sea, plus, she needed to learn to live without him at some point.
"I know…"
"I just can't believe I am getting so emotional over four months. Before, four months at sea was nothing. Now, I'm dreading watching you walk out the door."
"I'm coming back, you know. I wouldn't go if I didn't have too…"
"I don't want you to feel like that, Mike." Andrea interrupted. "I want you to go, because you are a Captain, this is the job, I don't want you to feel guilty, I want you to feel happy, I just don't…" Mike pulled her into him again when a single tear fell down her cheek.
"I know, Andrea."
"I am happy for you, I am just so attached to you as well. I know we're both partly to blame for that, but who else am I going to turn to on my bad days?" Mike smiled, kissing her head before he answered her.
"You have over 200 other people who would gladly listen to you on your bad days. Me included. Radio silence is only four weeks, after that, you can call as many times as you need to." Andrea gave a weak smile but shook her head.
"I think we both know that's not allowed."
"You're worth breaking the rules for." Mike told her, expecting an answer, but happy enough with the kisses he got instead.
An hour passed, both Mike and Andrea were content cuddled up on the bed, using all the time they had left before he went away to be close to each other. Both of them waiting for the cries of their youngest daughter, so Mike could spend some time with her.
He was going to miss them all, but he knew one of the hardest things would be to miss Madilyn reach small milestones. She had changed so much in her first five months, and even now Mike swore she changed week to week. He just didn't want to miss everything.
"I think she'll be okay. The house is filled with pictures of all of us and Katie and Amy talk to her about you all the time. I know you're still going to worry if she'll remember you, but you're her father, I think children always know who their parents are." Andrea said as she caught him staring at the baby monitor on the nightstand.
"A lot can change in four months. Not just with Mads, but with Katie and Amy and you, and I won't be here. This isn't like my first marriage and I know that, but a part of me can't help but think about how much I missed…" Andrea sat up, nodding in understanding.
However, she didn't have an answer for him. Today would be a mixture of emotions, she knew Mike was happy to be shipping out, but of course, he didn't want to leave.
"I love you, Mike."
"I love you too, Andrea."
While Mike went to see Madilyn, Andrea slowly got herself ready for the day. It was nearing four in the morning, and even though she knew her day would be filled with home jobs that needed doing, she knew she wouldn't fall to sleep again after Mike left. She wasn't sure she would sleep for the first week, while she got used to sleeping alone again.
She wondered if she was overthinking things. In the end, it was just four months, it was a training mission, she just had to keep telling herself that nothing would go wrong, and if did then her husband would be in control and he would fix it, somehow.
As Andrea combed through her hair in their en-suite bathroom she thought about redeployment and hated the part of her that was slightly jealous. She had made a decision four years ago to remain on base, and she had been made one of the highest-ranking commanders and while she enjoyed it, and enjoyed being at home, being a mother and step-mother a part of her wanted to be out there again.
She felt so many emotions, happiness, jealousy, sadness, hurt, and partly excitement. She couldn't fully explain all of her feelings, but she knew she'd be thinking about them all day. She'd probably tell her therapist because in her heart she knew it wrong to feel jealous and excited that her husband was shipping out.
She should have felt terrified. The man who stood by her kept her calm and kept her sane would be gone for four months. Mike saved her life, and he had said on so many occasions that she had saved him, but maybe he had saved her a little too much. Instead of pulling her away from the edge, he picked her up and carried her to safety, miles away from that downward spiral. She was grateful, happy because it led to everything they had, but it also led to her relying on him completely. They had spoken about it; which Andrea saw as a good thing. They were both honest with each other.
Andrea told Mike that she was worried because she didn't know how to cope without him, but now on the morning of his deployment, she knew she would. He'd told her that as well.
'As much as you feel you can't cope, you will.'
Mike would be right, she had Madilyn to look after, as well as Katie and Amy. She had an engineering department to run two days a week and a social life to keep up with. She would cope, it would just hurt like hell because he wouldn't be there to kiss her better.
However, despite her worries, her thoughts, her feelings, the emotions she expected and the ones she didn't, she knew one thing was completely certain. She loved him. He was her husband, the father of her child and the one man she felt as though she knew inside and out.
Her love for Mike wouldn't falter. Not on this deployment and not on the next one.
As Mike tended to Madilyn he caught himself running through the last few years in his mind. How he and Andrea spoke so much about redeployment and transfers, but how much they never expected it to happen. At first, he didn't want to feel happy about it, but he did. Even on the morning of his deployment. He knew today would be hard, but a part of him felt as though he was going back to what he knew.
He knew the Navy tore him and Christine apart, and he knew that would always be a worry with Andrea, but she knew the Navy. He felt as though he belonged somewhere, he had his role as a husband and a father and he wouldn't change that for anything, but having his own Command had been his aim for so long. His mind was put at ease, knowing, and constantly hoping that Andrea wouldn't hold this against him, hoping the girls wouldn't hold it against him.
"I'm going to be home real soon, Maddy." He whispered to the infant cuddled against his chest.
He was worried about Andrea. She knew where she was coming from, they'd both grown to rely on each other, but where Mike had others, Andrea, at one stage couldn't cope with that, and he knew with her being on maternity leave she would have more time to think. Had she of been at work she would have had the same worries, but she would have had something to keep her busy. Madilyn would keep her busy, but he knew Andrea would also have time to think.
Mike took a deep breath. He wanted this, he wanted to be back out there, but a part of him wished Andrea would be there too. The crew he served with five years ago were such a huge part of his life. Lives lost crossed his mind daily. Everything that happened on the ship five years ago would always be on his mind, sometimes he would see pictures clearer than other but it was always there. Shipping out, without Tom, without Andrea, knowing he had three little girls at home, he knew that would bring up memories.
Memories of his time on the 'James' when the virus hit, and memories of how his family fell apart while he was in the middle of the ocean. This time around, he just had to remind himself that the world was healing. So was he. So was Andrea. His girls, the crew, everyone was getting back on their feet and that's what he needed to hold onto.
He wouldn't be coming back to devastation. He would be coming back to open arms, a house, a wife, kids. He'd be coming home happy with the job he'd done and happy with the life he was returning to. That's was he needed to think about on every difficult day.
Goodbyes were always hard, but as Andrea sat on the couch, with Madilyn against her chest and Katie and Amy on either side of her, she knew that they would get through it. She would document everything, she would speak to Mike whenever she could, but most of all, she would cope.
As Mike boarded the ship, he couldn't help but feel lost. He didn't realise how much a redhead and a best friend would make a difference to the 'Nathan James' but it did. He knew both those people were safe on the mainland, working just as hard as they did on the ship, but still, the sense of loss was there, however, along with that loss was happiness and pride.
He was now the captain of the most famous ship in modern history, and he was able to spend the next four months training the next generation of Navy Sailors.
He would spend the next four months thinking of home, missing his family, but coping with the new world they lived in.
"It's good that have the Nathan James back in service, Captain," Russ said from beside him. At least that hadn't changed.
"Yeah, it certainly is. Let get this show on the road, I have people I need to get back too."
This was part one. It's a little short, but I hope it was a good start. Reviews are loved and appreciated. Bethany.