Alright, I take absolutely no responsibility for the bullshit that I just wrote. In fact, I wrote this at about 3:00 AM, after eating nothing but a cheese sammich for a day. On with the show! Also, I hate the Sand Zone dog fetch quest, which brought this on.

One day, I found myself falling through a wall. Not really special. In fact, I had fallen through multiple walls in Sand Zone. Who the hell kind of idiot thought it was funny to go "HEEEEERP, LET'S MAKE FAKE BRICKS THAT PEOPLE CAN WALK THROUGH BUT WILL NEVER SPOT! LAWLZ!" Never mind the circumstances… Ok, fine. I had been sent by that old Jenka hag to get her puppies. And one was in Curly Brace's bathroom.

Why did I have to be the guy who reunites families and shits rainbows? Seriously, I had to find the red flowers to thwart the Doctor's plans. BUT NO. Jenka, that old damn hag, told me to collect her fucking puppies. How the hell did they get everywhere, I have no idea. One was INSIDE A WALL. It took me a goddamned hour to find just the right fake brick! And after scouring the ENTIRE FUCKING SAND ZONE, I had the brilliant flash of insight to ask Curly. She had lived in Sand Zone for as long as she could remember. She would have known, right?

Turns out, she had one of the puppies in her bathroom. She said the fucker would try to scratch her every time she came in. People, mimigmas, robots- I'M NOT A HIRED GUN. I NEED TO SAVE THE DAMNED ISLAND. I DONT EVEN WANT TO, I NEED TO. I get it, I had no damned choice but to get the little devil out of Curly's bathroom, because SOME OLD HAG thought it was funny to play keep-away with the key to SAVING THE DAMN ISLAND.

So yeah. Damn people. Wasn't that creepy Booster guy supposed to be like, some kind of engineer or professor? Why wouldn't he just upgrade me or something, like give me epic kung-fu skills or something? Even a damn packet of explosives would be fine! I could just bust down that door and be out with those red flowers. But NOOOOOOO, it all has to be SUPER hard for me, goddammit. Even a blowtorch would be fine. …I lost you guys there, didn't I? ANYWAYS.

When I walked into the bathroom, there he was, sitting all fine and dandy on the floor. I picked him up to place him on my shoulders. Get this, he jumped out of my hands and knocked me into the air from behind. I have no idea how. So there I was, flying through the air, about to hit a wall, and then… I pass right through a bit of the wall. At least the makers of the damn hellhole that was Sand Zone thought it was nice to stick a nice little warning in some of the bricks, like a little paw pad. Fucking ironic, ain't it.

So theres this little chunk of wall, no paw pad to speak of. I just sail right in. The first thing I notice is that its dark. I light up my Map System to light a way out, and look, I see where I flew in and the rest of the passage to the other side of the bathroom. My first thought was to go back and get that damned dog. But then I looked again at the map. Hmm, a passage leading into a wall. I wonder what kind of fucking surprise awaits me there. Probably marshmallows and gumdrops and candy swirls. So I ripped a plank of wood from the roof (wood? They still use that stuff?) and lit it with the spark from the Fireball.

Using that as a makeshift torch, I hopped up and went along the passage. There was a bit of an incline at one point, so I shot my Fireball in case of spikes. Guess what? I FORGOT THE WOOD. The damn insides of the room lit on fire. Instantly I panicked. I literally whipped the Bubbler from its case and started shooting those somehow-damaging bubbles into the fire. It went out and I sighed in relief. I continued on my way until I reached a tiny ornate chest.

Mmm, I always find cool shit in chests. So I opened it. Guess what was in there? No, not a new gun. Nope, not a cool accessory or ability. Just lime green panties. LIME FUCKING GREEN. PANTIES. I almost screamed at that point, until I remembered something. I had nose receptors, allowing for smell. Perfect.

I brought the panties up to my nose and took a deep whiff.

"Oh, so you've decided to trade that beaten up pistol thing for my awesome, fabulous Machine Gun?" she asked me.

"Nope." I answered, "I'll be going now, seeing as I have the dog." I replied.

"Oh, so you can't stay for tea?"

"Nope, too busy saving the island and maybe the world. Maybe I'll see you later."

"Oh, ok. Bye!"

I walked out the door, her panties stashed safely under my cap.

I HAVE been toying with this idea for a while, so yeah, really, I DO take responsibility.

Review please! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and increases my chance of cosplaying as Quote sometime soon!