Author's Note: I don't own Trigun or the song "If I Saw You in Heaven" By
Eric Clapton. I do own the plot! Spoilers for episode 23! Written on the
spur of the moment, please read and review! Thanks!
If I Saw You in Heaven By: Lauren
The cold lone wind blew her chestnut brown hair around her body in swirls as shivers went up and down her spine. Her sorrowful ice blue eyes scanned the area around her. She was standing on a cliff edge. Her only light was the silvery full moon that shone dimly above her to break apart the slivers of darkness that seemed to consume her at that very moment. For once the large woman known as Milly felt as tiny as an ant. The cliff drop was at least fifteen to twenty feet down as she teetered dangerously on the edge. One more step and she would tumbled down to face a painful yet quick death. Would the others believe their cheerful, perky friend had taken her own life? No, they wouldn't. They didn't have a clue. Sure, she put on a smile as she worked in the town to dig for water but deep inside she was torn up and shattered. "Wolfwood..." The solitary word was uttered with such tenderness and care that it could barely be heard. At the same time a single hot tear lingered on the brim of her eye, threatening to spill over but she knew this time, this time she wouldn't have to blink it away. Milly Thompson would not wear a mask anymore and she refused to hide and protect herself behind stone walls. The tear streaked out of the corner of her eye and slowly made its way down her pale cheek. It teetered on her neck before being absorbed into her shirt. Her arms fell limply to her side as she peered down the cliff. Painful jagged rocks protruded every which way.
~*~
Would you know my name, If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same, If I saw you in heaven?
~*~
She knew Vash would hate her if she did it. He didn't approve of suicide. She knew Meryl would be in utter shock and would deny it all. She would hide it away and pretend nothing happened most likely. And Mr. Priest. Nicholas D. Wolfwood. Would he be angry with her? But he wasn't here to stop her. No one was. The one person that truly cared, who looked at her with eyes spilling over with love was gone. Gone like the wind was tearing the droplets of water away from her face. If she could go back in time...oh there were so many things she would change, so many things she would have done. First of all she would have never let Nicholas leave that day. That dreaded day the sky seemed to rain down crimson blood. She would have made that night last longer. She would have embraced him with tender love every day, every hour, every minute, every single solitary second. She would have made a difference instead of hiding away in her room like a coward. Yes, that's what she was. A coward. But a very lonely coward to be exact. But did Milly care? No. There wasn't much to care about now a days for her. What did she have left any ways? Her job? Big deal that was, they would just replace her. Her family? She barely saw them and her mother had a hard enough time trying to figure out which child had gone where. She would only notice the letters stopping and with all of her brothers and sister, her parents would barely notice their youngest child gone. Yes, her older sister would be very disappointed in her but that was something Milly was willing to live with. Well, die with. Nothing really mattered to her anymore. The one thing that meant everything to her was brutally ripped away from her when their relationship had only just began. Milly knew she had to be strong, she knew she had to carry on with her life even if she lost her true love. She knew she didn't belong up in heaven as much as Wolfwood didn't. He didn't deserve to die.
~*~
I must be strong and carry on,
Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.
~*~
Milly closed her eyes for a moment and imagined it all as clear as day. Nicholas' warm embrace as his strong arms wrapped around her, holding her so close. His rough unshaved chin nuzzling against her skin as she breathed in his sent. His raven hair tickling Milly's cheek as she stole his cigarette and threw it away. "That's bad for you." She reminded him with a knowing smirk. They parted for a brief moment, untangling limps as they leaned forward again to bring their lips together in a tender kiss. After a moment, they separated again and he gently took hold of her hands and helped her to stand up tall. They both turned around to find themselves surrounded by wild flowers and a warm summer breeze caressing their skin. "It would be nice if Vash and Meryl were here too but I can't be selfish." Milly thought to herself. But she had enough heaven with just Nicholas D. Wolfwood.
~*~
Would you hold my hand, If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand, If I saw you in heaven?
~*~
"But aren't you being selfish by taking your life away from them?" Wolfwood spoke up, staring at her with an innocent look. "You know the pain of losing someone dear all too well Milly but do you want to cause that same pain in them?"
Milly frowned. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. She knew she was being selfish and she knew it was wrong but she just couldn't find any other way out. She was drowning in her own sorrow, being surrounded by her pain and blinded by the hurt. She couldn't stand to live in such a black, white and gray world. She couldn't stand the death, the searing pain of losing everything dear to her. She had lost everything.
Milly looked up at Wolfwood, her eyes filling with crystal tears. "For once...I want to be selfish. I want to do something for myself."
A look of grief and sorrow seemed to fill Wolfwood's eyes as his body began to fade, slowly becoming transparent.
"Where are you going Nicholas? Please...don't go again!!" Milly grabbed out for his hand but she looked at him in shock as it passed right through. Just a moment ago she could feel his warm against her and his breath on her neck.
"You don't understand...my Insurance Girl..." And with that, he was gone and only a fleeting glimmer was left. His warmth, his touch, everything about him that she had felt only a second ago was utterly and completely gone.
~*~
I'll find my way through night and day,
Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven.
~*~
"Why Nicholas?! I understand clearly!!! I UNDERSTAND I'M ALL ALONE IN THIS WORLD! I understand...you've left me forever!! I understand...that I can't live anymore." She lowered her head, the midnight air hanging over her like a net. Silver streams of moonlight traveled down to the earth as Milly took one step forward. Only a two more and she would be off the edge. She paused, picturing Nicholas in her mind with his giant cross. It scared her when she saw the pain in his eyes a mere moment ago. Why didn't he understand? Why didn't he understand she couldn't bear another agonizing moment on earth?
"Because I want you to live Milly. I want you to be happy." A serene voice seemed to speak to her.
Her body trembled as Milly dropped to her knees, her chocolate hair mixing in with the dirt. Her head hung forward as her body shook with wild and uncontrollable sobs. "I only want to be with you...I only want to be with you...even if it's in heaven...Is that too much to ask for? Is that too much of an unreachable dream? Do I have to suffer every moment to make up for what you went through Nicholas? To see the pain you endured alone while I sat forlorn in your room, waiting for someone who would never return? I only want to be free...free of this aching throb I constantly feel in my heart!! I can only be free with you Nicholas!! Only with YOU!!!" Her broken voice screamed out into the night air.
~*~
Time can bring you down, Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart, Have you begging please, begging please.
~*~
Her crumpled figure stared over the edge once again, daring herself to inch forward, daring herself to do the unthinkable, to do the unimaginable, to do what she knew was wrong. "I'm so sick of tears...I want them to stop. I want you, Nicholas, to wipe them away with your thumb tenderly. I want to wake up every day to see your sleeping face shining in the golden sunlight. I want to be held in your arms like a child. I want to dream of our future. I want to have a beautiful wedding. I want to see what our children will look like. WHY CAN'T I HAVE THAT?!" Her voice was carried off by the wind to be lost forever.
Behind her quiet footfalls could be heard but Milly was so wrapped up in her distress that they were inaudible to her.
"I want to be with you. I want to be in peace. I want to have no more tears up with you in heaven..." She let her voice drop down as she pulled herself up to her feet. She took one step forward. Only another to go and she would be free...
~*~
Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven.
~*~
Milly lifted her foot ever so slowly, feeling her balance even out as she readied herself to plunge forward. Suddenly, something grabbed her shoulder and yanked her backwards just as she felt ready to fall and tumble down. She fell against the person, feeling a large rough body under her. Her face flamed red with embarrassment and anger. Milly quickly jumped up to glare down at the person who had stopped her. At the person who had just chained her back down to earth.
Sparkling blue eyes stared up at her as blonde hair spiked upward. "Milly." He barely let the words leave his lips as Vash stared at her in complete shock. He was clad in his pajama pants and a loose fitting sweatshirt.
Tears pooled in the girl's eyes once again as she turned her back to him, her head sagging down. "Leave me alone." She was surprised at the coldness in her own voice.
A surprisingly calm voice emerged from Vash's throat. "Milly...I know you miss him but this isn't right. One day you'll both be together but that should be a long time from now. I know it hurts...believe me...I KNOW but...you need to hang on. Don't let it end like this..." He reached out his hand yet he didn't touch her.
"Don't stop me." She threatened, letting herself edge closer to the cliff again.
Vash frowned, looking at her with concern. "You know this isn't right Milly."
Milly was thankful he didn't mention Meryl. She didn't need more guilt at that moment but then again a sudden pang of jealousy fill her heart. He didn't understand. He had Meryl and she had him. They had each other. She was only a third wheel.
As if he read her thoughts, he said. "I lost Rem too..."
After a moment of silence, Milly spoke up. "Why did you stop me?"
Vash looked down at the dirt then back up. "He told me to come here. I was dreaming and he told me to come here...to find you...to stop you..."
The tears that had been growing once again spilled over in a flood.
But Vash didn't stop. "He wants you to live. To be happy. He's always with you Milly..."
Milly stepped towards Vash, letting her body collapse into his welcoming arms as she cried. Her tears were absorbed into his shirt, leaving a large damp mark.
For a moment the blonde swore he heard someone say to him. "Be careful where those hands go." A tiny smirk formed on his lips as he nodded, not caring if Milly gave him a confused look for his action.
~*~
Would you know my name If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same If I saw you in heaven?
~*~
"Are you sure you're going to be ok?" Vash gave Milly one last reassuring hug.
"Yeah." She nodded, standing in the doorway of her small room.
Vash smiled then turned to walk away. He paused, waiting for it to come.
"And Vash...please don't mention this to Meryl." She called after him.
He nodded yes and then kept walking.
Behind him Milly called out to him once again. "Thank you."
"Don't thank me." Vash replied. "Thank that priest who's watching over you." He turn opened a door and disappeared inside the room.
A smile passed across Milly's lips as she closed the wooden door, leaning her back against it, welcoming the coldness of the surface. She bit her lip and walked towards her bed. The moonlight shone intensely in her room and Milly realized it suddenly seemed a lot brighter than before. Glancing to the front of her room, she looked at herself in the mirror.
Behind her Nicholas D. Wolfwood was standing, both of his arms wrapped around Milly's waist and his chin resting on her shoulder. She smiled softly, tilting her head to rest against his as sparkling tears filled her eyes and dropped to the floor. She knew if she looked away for one brief second he would be gone so she didn't avert her gaze. She only stared forward into his eyes that glistened back at her in the mirror.
Gently, he mouthed to her. "I love you..."
Milly's smile grew bigger as two more droplets of water left her eyes. "I love you too..." She whispered and then...he was gone.
But this time...this time she could still feel his warmth against her, his strong arms holding her, his hair tickling her face while his scent lingered in her memory. He was still with her and she knew...he would always be there with her. Always. Because she didn't belong in heaven just yet.
~*~
I must be strong and carry on,
Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.
If I Saw You in Heaven By: Lauren
The cold lone wind blew her chestnut brown hair around her body in swirls as shivers went up and down her spine. Her sorrowful ice blue eyes scanned the area around her. She was standing on a cliff edge. Her only light was the silvery full moon that shone dimly above her to break apart the slivers of darkness that seemed to consume her at that very moment. For once the large woman known as Milly felt as tiny as an ant. The cliff drop was at least fifteen to twenty feet down as she teetered dangerously on the edge. One more step and she would tumbled down to face a painful yet quick death. Would the others believe their cheerful, perky friend had taken her own life? No, they wouldn't. They didn't have a clue. Sure, she put on a smile as she worked in the town to dig for water but deep inside she was torn up and shattered. "Wolfwood..." The solitary word was uttered with such tenderness and care that it could barely be heard. At the same time a single hot tear lingered on the brim of her eye, threatening to spill over but she knew this time, this time she wouldn't have to blink it away. Milly Thompson would not wear a mask anymore and she refused to hide and protect herself behind stone walls. The tear streaked out of the corner of her eye and slowly made its way down her pale cheek. It teetered on her neck before being absorbed into her shirt. Her arms fell limply to her side as she peered down the cliff. Painful jagged rocks protruded every which way.
~*~
Would you know my name, If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same, If I saw you in heaven?
~*~
She knew Vash would hate her if she did it. He didn't approve of suicide. She knew Meryl would be in utter shock and would deny it all. She would hide it away and pretend nothing happened most likely. And Mr. Priest. Nicholas D. Wolfwood. Would he be angry with her? But he wasn't here to stop her. No one was. The one person that truly cared, who looked at her with eyes spilling over with love was gone. Gone like the wind was tearing the droplets of water away from her face. If she could go back in time...oh there were so many things she would change, so many things she would have done. First of all she would have never let Nicholas leave that day. That dreaded day the sky seemed to rain down crimson blood. She would have made that night last longer. She would have embraced him with tender love every day, every hour, every minute, every single solitary second. She would have made a difference instead of hiding away in her room like a coward. Yes, that's what she was. A coward. But a very lonely coward to be exact. But did Milly care? No. There wasn't much to care about now a days for her. What did she have left any ways? Her job? Big deal that was, they would just replace her. Her family? She barely saw them and her mother had a hard enough time trying to figure out which child had gone where. She would only notice the letters stopping and with all of her brothers and sister, her parents would barely notice their youngest child gone. Yes, her older sister would be very disappointed in her but that was something Milly was willing to live with. Well, die with. Nothing really mattered to her anymore. The one thing that meant everything to her was brutally ripped away from her when their relationship had only just began. Milly knew she had to be strong, she knew she had to carry on with her life even if she lost her true love. She knew she didn't belong up in heaven as much as Wolfwood didn't. He didn't deserve to die.
~*~
I must be strong and carry on,
Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.
~*~
Milly closed her eyes for a moment and imagined it all as clear as day. Nicholas' warm embrace as his strong arms wrapped around her, holding her so close. His rough unshaved chin nuzzling against her skin as she breathed in his sent. His raven hair tickling Milly's cheek as she stole his cigarette and threw it away. "That's bad for you." She reminded him with a knowing smirk. They parted for a brief moment, untangling limps as they leaned forward again to bring their lips together in a tender kiss. After a moment, they separated again and he gently took hold of her hands and helped her to stand up tall. They both turned around to find themselves surrounded by wild flowers and a warm summer breeze caressing their skin. "It would be nice if Vash and Meryl were here too but I can't be selfish." Milly thought to herself. But she had enough heaven with just Nicholas D. Wolfwood.
~*~
Would you hold my hand, If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand, If I saw you in heaven?
~*~
"But aren't you being selfish by taking your life away from them?" Wolfwood spoke up, staring at her with an innocent look. "You know the pain of losing someone dear all too well Milly but do you want to cause that same pain in them?"
Milly frowned. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. She knew she was being selfish and she knew it was wrong but she just couldn't find any other way out. She was drowning in her own sorrow, being surrounded by her pain and blinded by the hurt. She couldn't stand to live in such a black, white and gray world. She couldn't stand the death, the searing pain of losing everything dear to her. She had lost everything.
Milly looked up at Wolfwood, her eyes filling with crystal tears. "For once...I want to be selfish. I want to do something for myself."
A look of grief and sorrow seemed to fill Wolfwood's eyes as his body began to fade, slowly becoming transparent.
"Where are you going Nicholas? Please...don't go again!!" Milly grabbed out for his hand but she looked at him in shock as it passed right through. Just a moment ago she could feel his warm against her and his breath on her neck.
"You don't understand...my Insurance Girl..." And with that, he was gone and only a fleeting glimmer was left. His warmth, his touch, everything about him that she had felt only a second ago was utterly and completely gone.
~*~
I'll find my way through night and day,
Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven.
~*~
"Why Nicholas?! I understand clearly!!! I UNDERSTAND I'M ALL ALONE IN THIS WORLD! I understand...you've left me forever!! I understand...that I can't live anymore." She lowered her head, the midnight air hanging over her like a net. Silver streams of moonlight traveled down to the earth as Milly took one step forward. Only a two more and she would be off the edge. She paused, picturing Nicholas in her mind with his giant cross. It scared her when she saw the pain in his eyes a mere moment ago. Why didn't he understand? Why didn't he understand she couldn't bear another agonizing moment on earth?
"Because I want you to live Milly. I want you to be happy." A serene voice seemed to speak to her.
Her body trembled as Milly dropped to her knees, her chocolate hair mixing in with the dirt. Her head hung forward as her body shook with wild and uncontrollable sobs. "I only want to be with you...I only want to be with you...even if it's in heaven...Is that too much to ask for? Is that too much of an unreachable dream? Do I have to suffer every moment to make up for what you went through Nicholas? To see the pain you endured alone while I sat forlorn in your room, waiting for someone who would never return? I only want to be free...free of this aching throb I constantly feel in my heart!! I can only be free with you Nicholas!! Only with YOU!!!" Her broken voice screamed out into the night air.
~*~
Time can bring you down, Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart, Have you begging please, begging please.
~*~
Her crumpled figure stared over the edge once again, daring herself to inch forward, daring herself to do the unthinkable, to do the unimaginable, to do what she knew was wrong. "I'm so sick of tears...I want them to stop. I want you, Nicholas, to wipe them away with your thumb tenderly. I want to wake up every day to see your sleeping face shining in the golden sunlight. I want to be held in your arms like a child. I want to dream of our future. I want to have a beautiful wedding. I want to see what our children will look like. WHY CAN'T I HAVE THAT?!" Her voice was carried off by the wind to be lost forever.
Behind her quiet footfalls could be heard but Milly was so wrapped up in her distress that they were inaudible to her.
"I want to be with you. I want to be in peace. I want to have no more tears up with you in heaven..." She let her voice drop down as she pulled herself up to her feet. She took one step forward. Only another to go and she would be free...
~*~
Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven.
~*~
Milly lifted her foot ever so slowly, feeling her balance even out as she readied herself to plunge forward. Suddenly, something grabbed her shoulder and yanked her backwards just as she felt ready to fall and tumble down. She fell against the person, feeling a large rough body under her. Her face flamed red with embarrassment and anger. Milly quickly jumped up to glare down at the person who had stopped her. At the person who had just chained her back down to earth.
Sparkling blue eyes stared up at her as blonde hair spiked upward. "Milly." He barely let the words leave his lips as Vash stared at her in complete shock. He was clad in his pajama pants and a loose fitting sweatshirt.
Tears pooled in the girl's eyes once again as she turned her back to him, her head sagging down. "Leave me alone." She was surprised at the coldness in her own voice.
A surprisingly calm voice emerged from Vash's throat. "Milly...I know you miss him but this isn't right. One day you'll both be together but that should be a long time from now. I know it hurts...believe me...I KNOW but...you need to hang on. Don't let it end like this..." He reached out his hand yet he didn't touch her.
"Don't stop me." She threatened, letting herself edge closer to the cliff again.
Vash frowned, looking at her with concern. "You know this isn't right Milly."
Milly was thankful he didn't mention Meryl. She didn't need more guilt at that moment but then again a sudden pang of jealousy fill her heart. He didn't understand. He had Meryl and she had him. They had each other. She was only a third wheel.
As if he read her thoughts, he said. "I lost Rem too..."
After a moment of silence, Milly spoke up. "Why did you stop me?"
Vash looked down at the dirt then back up. "He told me to come here. I was dreaming and he told me to come here...to find you...to stop you..."
The tears that had been growing once again spilled over in a flood.
But Vash didn't stop. "He wants you to live. To be happy. He's always with you Milly..."
Milly stepped towards Vash, letting her body collapse into his welcoming arms as she cried. Her tears were absorbed into his shirt, leaving a large damp mark.
For a moment the blonde swore he heard someone say to him. "Be careful where those hands go." A tiny smirk formed on his lips as he nodded, not caring if Milly gave him a confused look for his action.
~*~
Would you know my name If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same If I saw you in heaven?
~*~
"Are you sure you're going to be ok?" Vash gave Milly one last reassuring hug.
"Yeah." She nodded, standing in the doorway of her small room.
Vash smiled then turned to walk away. He paused, waiting for it to come.
"And Vash...please don't mention this to Meryl." She called after him.
He nodded yes and then kept walking.
Behind him Milly called out to him once again. "Thank you."
"Don't thank me." Vash replied. "Thank that priest who's watching over you." He turn opened a door and disappeared inside the room.
A smile passed across Milly's lips as she closed the wooden door, leaning her back against it, welcoming the coldness of the surface. She bit her lip and walked towards her bed. The moonlight shone intensely in her room and Milly realized it suddenly seemed a lot brighter than before. Glancing to the front of her room, she looked at herself in the mirror.
Behind her Nicholas D. Wolfwood was standing, both of his arms wrapped around Milly's waist and his chin resting on her shoulder. She smiled softly, tilting her head to rest against his as sparkling tears filled her eyes and dropped to the floor. She knew if she looked away for one brief second he would be gone so she didn't avert her gaze. She only stared forward into his eyes that glistened back at her in the mirror.
Gently, he mouthed to her. "I love you..."
Milly's smile grew bigger as two more droplets of water left her eyes. "I love you too..." She whispered and then...he was gone.
But this time...this time she could still feel his warmth against her, his strong arms holding her, his hair tickling her face while his scent lingered in her memory. He was still with her and she knew...he would always be there with her. Always. Because she didn't belong in heaven just yet.
~*~
I must be strong and carry on,
Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.