The Bitter and the Sweet

by madsthenerdygirl

For some people one time is enough, but Kate Beckett is selfish. She wants him forever.

Title: The Bitter and the Sweet

Rating: This is Stana Katic and Nathan Fillion we're talking about. How can I possibly resist making it M?

Summary: For some people one time is enough, but Kate Beckett is selfish. She wants him forever.

Disclaimer: I'm sorry… you must be confusing me with a certain genius writer in L.A. I didn't create these characters, and I certainly don't own them.

Author's Note: I just want to warn you, this is much more serious than most of my stories. So if you're looking for humor, you'll want to just skip this one. I usually don't write dark/angst but this story would just not leave me (I'm pretty sure the Beckett in my head had something to do with it) so here we are. Don't shoot me!

Hands, burning hands, large and unyielding, spanning her back, gripping her ass, spreading across her stomach, massaging her breasts. Everywhere they touch, they burn her. They brand her. Her skin sizzles and the heat spreads through her body slowly, building until she is a melting furnace of heat.

Eyes, burning eyes, blue like the very center of flame, boring into her, searching her face, round and dark with so much desire. Every time they look at her, she feels naked, stripped, and she knows they aren't just seeing her but her soul. Cornflower, sapphire, azure, periwinkle, every shade of blue, swirling and engulfing her because they see her. They truly see her.

Lips, burning lips, hot and heavy and moving against her, licking and tasting her, sucking every piece of skin until there's not a part of her that isn't red or bruised. So tender, but so demanding. They make her tingle, make her moan, and every pore on her body is almost conducting its own electricity from what those lips do to her.

Mouth, burning mouth, whispering words in her ear. Telling her how he loves her, how perfect she is, listing all the ways she is amazing. Narrating what he's doing to her, explaining just how much he wants her, detailing every reason why he is hopelessly in love with her. Making her breath hitch, causing her to shiver, helping her to realize the magnitude of his feelings.

Skin, burning skin, everywhere she touches. Not perfect – marked in parts by scars or freckles, smooth in some areas and rough in others. But oh, it is burning, burning as she is burning, from the inside out. Broad shoulders, strong biceps, wide waist, ticklish ribs. Running her hands over it, feeling the slick heat, never wanting to let go.

Pumping, thrusting, arching, rocking, filling her with more liquid heat, almost more than she can stand. She is a phoenix, a fire angel, a dancing star. Burning with pleasure, burning with ecstasy, burning with love.

Burning, burning, burning, burning…

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Rick!"

Kate Beckett lay in bed, her body shining with sweat, breathing heavily. Her chest heaved and her underwear was soaked – not entirely from sweat. Slowly, she calmed her breathing, and took in her surroundings.

It was pure cruelty to wake up in the same place she was in her dream. It was beyond painful to look around the room, to take in all the places where he wasn't there. The emptiness in the room matched the hole in her heart.

A sob tore free, and she gripped the sheets. She tried to hold it in, to keep it down, but what we can hide in the light of day reveals itself at night, and the sobs refused to be held back. She cried, shaking feverishly, her entire body trembling uncontrollably while her chest was wracked with sobs. Her throat was sore from the force with which her lungs forced the sobs out, and tears mingled with her sweat, creating shining rivers on her face.

She had never cried like this beforehand. Not even when her mother had died had she been this out of control, this helpless. Her cries seemed to ricochet through her empty chest, echoing in the caverns of her heart. She was so empty, everything was empty, and the one person who could fill her was gone.

God in heaven, she deserved it. She knew she deserved it. She had held him off for so long, denied him everything he deserved, everything that he already had. She'd refused to give him what was rightfully his. She had hurt him, toyed with him, and this was her punishment. One taste of Heaven and then… Hell.

Maybe for some people, that one taste would be enough. Perhaps for them that one taste was worth all the pain that came afterwards. But Kate Beckett was selfish. She wanted him for forever. She wanted to wake up every morning with him, to solve cases with him, to make love on every surface in his loft, to fight over the little things, and just to have him in her life.

But then, selfishness had been what got her in this position anyway.

As her sobs faded, new sobs could be heard. High wailing, coming from what had formerly been the guest bedroom. Kate slid out of bed, hurrying to the bathroom to wipe off the sweat, and made her way down the hall. She opened the door and smiled.

Little Joanna Martha Castle was peeking up from the side of her crib, her eyes screwed shut as she bawled out her frustration. Here she was, in a strange, dark place with no Mama! It was outrage! She was hungry and she was bored and her brother would not stop sucking his thumb in his sleep and she wanted Mama!

"Shhh, love, Mama's here." Kate crooned, gently picking up the baby. Large brown eyes stared at her, blinking, as Joanna calmed down. Kate brushed her hair out of her face – soft, floppy hair, dusky hair; Rick's hair.

Joanna snuggled against her mother, searching blindly for food. Kate chuckled and placed the baby against her shoulder, humming gently. She leaned over to the other crib to check on Alexander Richard, Joanna's twin brother. His large blue eyes were closed in sleep, his dark hair sticking up in all directions from rolling around in his sleep. Kate adjusted the blanket and then left the room with Joanna, heading back to the master bedroom.

Even now, a year later, she still thought of it as Rick's room. She knew that he would want her to view it as her room, but she couldn't. It should have been their room. It should have been both his and hers.

Settling back down on the bed and propping herself up with pillows, Kate settled Joanna against her chest, bearing her breast for her. Joanna immediately latched on, suckling away happily. Her thoughts were almost tangible. Warm Mama, warm milk… now this was more like it.

Kate led her head fall back against the headboard, keeping her breathing deep and even. Her eyes slid closed, but she didn't slip into sleep. Alexander fell asleep and stayed asleep but Joanna woke up at least once a night, and she had finally gotten used to the idea of getting no more than five hours of sleep. Between her daughter and the nightmares… or, worse, the wet dreams… she was always running on half a tank.

About twenty minutes passed in silence. Joanna ate her fill while Kate stroked her hair, smiling down at the little face. One of Joanna's tiny fists came up to find something to grip, and Kate offered her fingers. Joanna wrapped her hand around it tightly, clutching at it.

The twins were her saving grace. She recalled those first dark days, before she'd known. She remembered holding the gun in her hand, feeling the weight, testing it. Seeing how it felt in her mouth, against her temple, at her forehead. Crying and cradling the weapon, begging God to let her do this, let her die. Let her join him.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Lanie?"

"Kate? Girl, it's one in the morning."

"It's in my hand, Lanie. God, my gun is my hand and I keep having to think of reasons not to do it…"

"Katherine Beckett! Don't you dare! I am coming over there right now – go to sleep, Javi, I have to go see Kate – Katherine Beckett, don't you dare do anything. You hear me? You stay on the phone with me, and you think about your father and how he'd feel losing the one other person in his life. You think about Alexis, who doesn't deserve to lose another person. And you think about me because girl, you try anything and I will do things to you that will give you PTSD every time you–"

"Lanie?"

"Yes?"

"Have I told you lately how amazing you are?"

"Maybe; but I could stand to hear it again."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

But then she'd been late; really, really late. One entire box of tests later (she just couldn't believe what her eyes were telling her, so she did it over and over again), it was confirmed. The bitter irony of it all was a tangible taste in her mouth, even now. One night together and of course she gets knocked up. One night, and then she loses him. And not least of all, Richard Castle, the man who always wanted more kids while she wasn't sure she even wanted one, never even got to know they were expecting.

It was so bitter she wanted to vomit.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Martha… there's something I have to tell you."

"Well, spit it out, darling."

"Rick and I… before… it was the night before it all… happened… oh God, Martha, I still can't believe it."

"Darling, you made his last night happy. You gave him what he'd wanted so badly. And for that, I'm grateful."

"But there's more…"

"Well, what is it?"

"Here it is."

"Darling! Oh, Kate dear, don't cry. He would have been happy!"

"But… he'll never get to… Martha, I can't raise a kid on my own!"

"Who said anything about on your own? You'll move into the loft with me and Alexis."

"I don't… Martha, that's too much."

"Nonsense, darling; you were already practically part of the family anyway. And I know it's what he would have wanted."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Joanna's mouth slowly stopped moving as she drifted into sleep, her tiny little breaths even and slow. Kate smiled and pulled her shirt back up, carrying her little treasure back to her crib. She tucked Joanna in, checked on Alexander again, and then went back to bed. Back to the aching loneliness. Back to the nightmares.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

She was up at five, unable to sleep any longer. She had to be up in a couple of hours anyway, so she might as well get going. Her morning routine was one she'd developed in the year since everything had come crashing down. First, she made the bed. She'd always left her own bed unmade but she knew Rick cared about things like that. The bed had been made when they'd stumbled into it, fused at the mouth and groping each other shamelessly.

Next, she went over to his closet and pulled out a shirt. She pressed it to her nose and mouth, sucking in his scent. She had an undershirt of his that she slept in but she wanted to be careful. She never wanted to lose his scent. As she let it envelop her senses, tears stung her eyes. Memories, too numerous to name but never enough, flooded her.

After stifling her tears and putting the shirt back, she focused on getting dressed. She did her hair, washed her face, put on her makeup… it was robotic, routine, but painful at the same time. Everything was painful to her, because of the empty space beside her.

Padding down to the kitchen, Kate was hit with a wall of warm, breakfast smells. For a wild moment she thought it might be him, making her pancakes and coffee, but then she saw the red hair and everything crashed down around her again.

Faking a smile, Kate went up to Alexis. The girl was intently stirring the batter, glancing every so often at the recipe book on the counter. When she saw Kate, she smiled.

"Good morning." Kate said, pulling Alexis in for a hug. She nestled her head on Kate's shoulder, clinging to her tightly for a moment before pulling away. The girl was getting tall, Kate noted – the two of them were almost the same height now.

"What are you making?" Kate asked, peering at the batter.

"Oven-puffed pancakes." Alexis said. Between the improving school lunches in inner city schools project she was helping out with (she'd already been promoted to a manager of the program) to her cooking experiments at home and her blog on independent restaurants (in which she found all the hole-in-the-wall places and reviewed them), Alexis was becoming quite the chef.

"Sounds delicious." Kate said sincerely. If it weren't for Alexis, she was pretty sure she'd have died of starvation by now.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"You have to eat, Kate."

"Thanks, Lex, but I'm not hungry."

"That's what you said three hours ago. Eat something."

"After I finish this case."

"You have two babies to feed, Kate. Now eat."

"Alexis…"

"I will force feed you. You know I will."

"Fine; pass me the plate."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Here's a batch I made earlier." Alexis passed Kate a plate heaped with fluffy, air-filled pancakes.

"Thanks." Kate dug in.

"Are you on call today?" Alexis asked, pouring the batter and placing it in the oven.

"Yes; we have a serial rapist on our hands. His last victim was murdered as well as raped. We're trying to identify him and bring him in." Kate explained. Alexis handed her a cup of fresh coffee, and she smiled gratefully. "The problem is, even though it's a homicide so it's now our case, there was already a team working on the rape part of it, so I have to team up with them."

Alexis shook her head. "Was there ever at time you teamed up with someone you liked?" She teased.

Yes, but she'd gotten that man killed. Kate swallowed a large gulp of coffee and tried to keep the topic light. "Sure I have."

Alexis held up her fingers and began counting down. "The agent you worked with on the rogue bomber, the other agent you worked with on the terrorist bombers, Sophia,"

"Okay, that one was justified." Kate argued.

Alexis gave her a look and continued. "Serena the art insurance lady, those federal agents on the alien case, Natalie Rhodes…"

"She's not half bad." Kate protested.

"Need I go on?" Alexis smirked.

Kate shook her head, smiling. "What are your plans for the day?" She asked.

"I have to leave at six to make it to my internship at the courthouse. Then I'm heading a park cleanup in Robinson Park, a lunch with some potential financial backers for the education foundation I'm working with at this great restaurant I'm going to critique, and this evening I'm with Lanie again."

Kate nodded. "I should get going, too. I have to warm up the twins' milk and…"

She trailed off as Alexis produced two bottles of breast milk, which she'd warmed up from the frozen bags in the freezer that Kate stored there. Kate smiled. What she'd do without Alexis, she really didn't know.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Hold my hand, Kate, there's my baby girl, you got this."

"C'mon, Kate! You can do it, you're fine. It's all okay."

"Alexis, tell your father I'm going to – ah – kill him for – shit! – doing this to me."

"What?"

"I said, tell him… aaaaahhh fuck!"

"Push, Kate! You have to push!"

"Kate… do you not remember… ouch!"

"Sorry, Lex, I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay, squeeze my hand a tightly as you want. Squeeze my hand and push, okay?"

"Ah, mother fucking son of a–"

"Kate! I can see a head!"

"Thank God."

"Lanie, pass me that washcloth for her forehead."

"Lex… remind me to enroll you in medical school. You're a natural at this."

"Alexis? Where's Rick?"

"What?"

"Where's Rick? He wouldn't want to miss this, he… oooohhh mother of God…"

"One's out!"

"It's a girl!"

"Push, Kate, you're halfway finished!"

"I need to know…"

"He's here, Kate, I swear. In his own way, he's here. Now push!"

"AAAAHHHH!"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Do you need a lift to the courthouse?" Kate asked, helping clean up the dishes.

Alexis shook her head. "I'm fine; I'm hitching a ride with a friend so that we can discuss the math tutoring program I set up."

Kate stared. "Alexis Castle, you are going to run yourself into the ground."

"Funny." Alexis said, winking. "That's what Dad always said about you."

With a kiss on the cheek and a whip of her red hair, Alexis was out the door.

And the emptiness in Kate's chest returned.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Kate stepped into the morgue, smiling at her friend. "Morning, Lanie; what've you got for me?"

Lanie smiled in return. She was so grateful that Kate was actually smiling again; for a while, everyone had doubted the detective had even remembered how. She supposed it had a lot to do with the two loving bundles at home. They were Lanie's godchildren, of course, and she spoiled them rotten.

"The top screen showed…" Lanie trailed off as a wave of nausea hit her. She gripped the table as Kate rushed to hold her up. Lanie clutched at her belly. It hadn't rounded out yet, but there were other signs – her breasts, for example, had gotten larger and more tender, and she ate pistachio ice cream constantly.

"Are you sure you should still be working?" Kate asked.

"I'm fine." Lanie said resolutely. "The morning sickness will pass, and Javi and I can't afford for me to take too much maternity leave off."

"I'm sure he'd insist on it if he knew how much it was affecting you." Kate said.

Lanie shook her head. "I'm fine, Kate, I promise."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Lanie, it's beautiful! Look at how it catches the light!"

"He just felt that… well, after what happened… we didn't want to waste a second."

"Two months is a short time, after the breakup you two went through."

"Apparently, he bought the ring the day I said yes to his dinner date, after the… well…"

"Yes, I understand. No, Lanie, I really do."

"Kate! You're crying! Oh, girl, I'm so sorry, I know–"

"No, Lanie, it's okay. I'm crying because I'm happy. I'm so, so happy for you, Lanie. You deserve this. You really do."

"Oh, come here and hug me, you impossible woman. And you're going to by my Maid of Honor, right?"

"With this post-pregnancy body?"

"Yes, indeed. But you don't have to wear heels if it hurts your feet."

"I'm so happy for you, Lanie. I wish you both all the happiness you can stand."

"He would have done the same for you, Kate, if he could. You know he wanted to."

"I know."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Morning, boys." Kate called as she entered the precinct.

Father-to-be Esposito waved at her as he chomped down on a donut, and Ryan turned as he put down the phone.

"How are the twins?" Ryan asked. "Martha's got them?"

"Yup; the students at her studio dote on them." Kate smiled.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"I really don't want to intrude, Martha; I can find a sitter."

"Nonsense, darling; what else are grandmothers for but to spoil their grandchildren? My students will love them and besides! It's never too early to expose them to the arts!"

"Well, I…"

"Kate. Give me your hands. Now; Richard gave you a third of his money in his will, including ownership of the Nikki Heat books. He raved about you. He lied to you to protect you. You made him a better man. Lord knows I did my best, darling, but you were the one who made him a true man. He would want you and the twins in the best of hands. And you seem to be forgetting, darling, that the twins are my grandchildren. They're Alexis' younger siblings. And in the past few months you have become like a daughter to me and, dare I say, a mother to Alexis. So stop acting like it's all on you! Accept help once in a while!"

"Thank you, Martha. Thank you for everything."

"It's the least I can do, Kate darling."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"So what've we got?" Kate asked, frowning at the murder board.

"CSU's got fingerprints, but they're not a match to anything on record. They match the fingerprints found on the previous – live – victims." Esposito explained.

Kate had a hard time focusing on what he was saying. She used to be able to compartmentalize. She used to know how to keep work and personal life separate. But now that wall inside of her had been torn down, and everything inside was open, exposed, raw.

She blinked, realizing she'd missed the last half of what Espo was saying. "I'm sorry – could you repeat that?" She asked.

Esposito didn't say anything, but he shot Ryan a look before going back over what he had said.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Esposito!"

"Beckett–"

"Where is he?"

"I don't know, I thought he was with you."

"We were separated, and he… Castle! Castle!"

"Beckett, you can't go back in there."

"Castle! Castle!"

"Beckett…"

"Let go of me, Espo. Castle! Javier Esposito, get off of me or I swear to God…"

BOOM!

"Rick!"

"Beckett!"

"Get her away from the fire! She's too close!"

"No! No, put me down, put me down, no, God no, please Castle! Castle! Rick! No… please no… Rick… Rick…"

"It's okay, Beckett. It's going to be okay. This is Castle we're talking about. He'll be fine, he probably wasn't even in there…"

"We have a body!"

"What? Ryan, who was it?"

"Too early to tell, but…"

"Whisper it man, can't you see she's shaking?"

"Espo, the corpse they found… it has Rick's jacket on."

"Santa Madre de Dios…"

"Ryan! Where's Castle?"

"…Beckett…"

"There's something we have to tell you."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Kate frowned, looking at the files. Something was tugging at her, something telling her that this case was different. But what was it…

It was times like these she could almost feel his presence. There, at her elbow. All she had to do was tilt her head to the side and she'd see him, his boyish eyes twinkling, watching her work like she was the Mona Lisa.

She should have told him so much sooner…

Passing her hand over her eyes, Kate surveyed the crime scene photos. Everything was the same as with the previous victims, save for the fact that this one was dead; except… wait.

Wait.

Kate leaned forward, her eyes zeroing in on the girl's left hand; the hand that should have held an engagement ring.

The hand was bare.

Picking up the phone, Kate dialed Ryan, her fingers tapping the desk impatiently. The thought flashed through her mind that this was something Rick would have thought up, but she swallowed that thought down along with the bile and brimming tears. She couldn't think about that. She wasn't about to cry in the precinct, with her captain (nicer since that fateful day but still prickly) ten feet and a thin wall away.

"Ryan!" She barked. "Get down to the fiancé's house and bring him in for more questioning."

"Why? You have a lead?"

"I have a… a theory." Kate swallowed. Her mouth suddenly tasted bitter. "Maybe those rumors of domestic strife weren't unfounded after all."

"We'll pick him up now."

Kate's cell phone rang, and she couldn't help but give a small smile at the caller I.D. She picked up before it had even finished the second ring.

"Hey, sweetheart."

It was never Pumpkin. That was his name for her. But she seemed to like sweetheart. It fit Alexis perfectly.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Kate?"

"Yes, Alexis?"

"I just wanted to thank you for getting me that internship at the law firm. It means a lot to me."

"It's no problem, Alexis. I'm glad I could help you. Just promise me that you'll figure out what you want to do in life before you spread yourself too thin and snap, okay?"

"Okay."

"And Alexis? When you reapply to Stanford, let me know. I went there, and while I didn't graduate I can still write you a reference letter. Maybe it'll help."

"Thank you!"

"Watch the stomach, sweetheart!"

"Sorry."

"No, no it's good. Your hugs are the best."

"…I love you."

"I love you too, Lex. Oh, sweetheart, don't cry."

"It's just that… everything, even the sweet things… would be better with him. If he were here, everything would be sweeter."

"I know, sweetheart. I know. I… saying 'I miss him' doesn't describe it. I can't… I'm sorry, hon. I don't mean to dump things on you."

"No, I like it. I like helping people with their problems. I'm a good listener."

"Weren't you a student counselor?"

"Yup! I'm an elementary school counselor – not for careers, but for handling bullying and stuff."

"How did you get to be so perfect?"

"Luck?"

"Ha ha. Now pass me the ice cream and put in the DVD. Which episode were we on?"

"We just finished 'Bushwacked'."

"Ah, my favorite; now on to 'Shindig'!"

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Kate closed the door behind her. In the kitchen, Martha was sipping some wine and swaying to Sinatra.

"The babes are in bed!" She called out. "Come have a pick-me-up, darling."

"I can't." Kate dropped her jacket and bag at the front door. "Joanna will want to nurse in a few hours and I can't let her drink any drugged milk."

"Suit yourself." Martha shrugged.

"Where's Alexis?" Kate looked around. "She told me she was going out with some friends from the campaign office she's volunteering at but I thought she'd be back by now."

"You needn't worry about her so much, darling." Martha said, waving a hand dismissively. "She's more responsible than the lot of us put together."

"I'm sure." Kate chuckled. "Compared to Rick she…"

Kate trailed off, feeling like someone had stabbed her in the guts and twisted the knife. She swallowed, and put on a brave smile.

"You know what? I think I will have a glass."

"That's the spirit!" Martha smiled, handing her a glass. "But remember," She said, holding up a warning finger, "Never drink to dull the pain. Drink to enjoy, not to forget."

Kate nodded, and took a sip. The wine tasted like vinegar in her mouth.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"I can't accept this."

"Kate – it's okay if I call you Kate, right? – the details of Richard's will were very specific. You are to get a third of his estate, which is to be divided equally between you, Alexis Castle and Martha Rodgers, with the ownership and royalties of the Nikki Heat series belonging solely to you."

"Look, I really appreciate this, but I don't–"

"Kate."

"Ms. Gina, I really don't…"

"Oh, hush. You're the lawyer, I'm his editor. I was his wife, for Pete's sake. I'll explain it to her. Listen, Kate, you know what he was like when he wanted to do something. He did it, come hell or high water. Well, he wanted to provide for you. He wanted you to have the freedom to do what you wanted, especially with those damn books."

"That's quite enough, Gina. Darling, he loved you. Are you going to deny him the chance to love you?"

"Martha, I… Fine; fine, I'll take it, but only because I denied him the chance while he was alive. Okay? I don't care what you do about the books, but I'll let it be in my name. I don't… I can't… I wouldn't give him anything then. I have to let him have this now."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Back to the bed again; back to lying there, fitfully, unable to sleep. Kate used to feel like someone had put a vice around her heart, but it wasn't like that anymore. Now, it was like she was drained. Empty, without life and without purpose.

She wondered what she would tell the twins when they were older, when they asked about their father. What could she tell them? How could she possibly explain what an amazing person he was, how he filled her life with joy, brought her back from the brink so many times, opened up her heart and helped her to really start living? How was she to explain his absence in their life?

Kiddies, so your father was so in love with me he wrote a whole book series on me and so many other things I lost track, but I was a selfish bitch and kept him at arm's length. Then one night we had sex, you two were created, and then the next day he died while we were trying to take down some terrorists. It tore me up so much I nearly killed myself, and that's why you don't have a Daddy; because Mama was stupid. Any questions?

Yeah, she had no idea how to tell them.

That desperate need was gnawing at her stomach again, but she ignored it. She was nearly insatiable in her lust for him, their night together only increasing her hunger instead of abating it. But it never brought her true pleasure. She always came sobbing, his name on her lips a plead, a cry of mourning, rather than the proclamation of love and joy. It dimmed the flames but gave her no peace, no happiness.

Happiness… she only had snatches of it now. Moments of it, while with the twins or Alexis, or laughing with Martha over something that had occurred at the studio that day. A chuckle while out with Lanie, or a joke with the boys on a raid. But it was never fully present. It never came to stay. The darkness lurked at the edges and it always returned with a sudden, savage triumph.

Lucky for her she was becoming used to it.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"I love you… I love you more than I could ever say."

"That's pretty astounding coming from a man who deals in words for a living."

"You don't believe me."

"Yes, Rick, I believe you. If I didn't we wouldn't be here right now."

"I know… God, you're so beautiful."

"Just like you dreamed?"

"Kate Beckett, you are more real, more perfect, than any dream."

"Hmm…"

"God, woman, you keep doing that and I won't be able to walk tomorrow."

"Well, considering what we've already done, I'm surprised I'm still able to feel my legs."

"Come here."

"Rick?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you too."

"Good; I was beginning to worry you were just using me for my sexy body."

"Ha, ha. Could you say it again?"

"Say what?"

"Say that you love me."

"Always, Kate. Always."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

She wished she didn't remember; remembering hurt too much. But she couldn't help it. Every night, she would replay it over and over in her head, recalling exactly how and where he touched her, what they said, how he looked at her.

Kate rolled over, her hand reaching for the trusty sleeping pills in the nightstand, when her phone buzzed. She picked it up and held it to her ear.

"Beckett." She said.

"Get down to the precinct." It was Esposito, but it didn't sound like him. Esposito didn't sound this shocked, this amazed, this scared and urgent and desperate. "Get down here as fast as you can."

He hung up before Kate could say anymore. She frowned, but made to call Rick and tell him to join her.

Oh, wait.

She crushed the pillow to her face to muffle the sounds of her screaming curses at God.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The man looked around in a daze. Everything was like a dream; a horrible, awful dream. He'd begun to think that his life before had all been a cruel trick of the mind, and that he'd been stuck in limbo forever.

Finally, they let him go. He knew he should have thanked them, thanked his father for saving him and keeping him safe while the terrorists who'd originally spirited him away stopped looking for him, but he couldn't. They'd stolen a year of his life. They'd taken him from his family.

They had taken him from her.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"I'm safe now. Why can't you let me go?"

"It doesn't work like that, Richard."

"Well then how does it work? I want know."

"You were in the system once. You followed Sophia – you know how we operate."

"No; no, I don't. All I know is that you suddenly swoop in and take me from everything I love. I have a daughter – your granddaughter, I might add – I have obligations."

"We can't be certain the men who bombed that warehouse aren't still looking for you."

"They think I'm dead, thanks to you. As does everyone else in my life, I'm sure."

"Richard–"

"Don't 'Richard' me. You don't have the right. Do you have any idea what you're doing to me? What you're doing to them? You can't just waltz in and… you know, what, forget it. Forget it. Get out. Unless you're here to tell me I can go home, get out."

"Rich–"

"You want to know what the best part is? The night before the bombing, I was with Kate. I finally got to be with the woman I love and what happens the next day? She thinks I'm dead."

"We–"

"You took me from her. And no words in the world are going to make that okay."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Now he was back, and he was amazed at how everything looked the same; the same elephants parading on her desk, the same murder board (now blank), the same espresso machine in the break room.

The boys looked like they'd seen a ghost when they first saw him, but he supposed that in their minds, they had. Then there was whooping and laughing and hugs, and he swore that Esposito cried just a little. He and Ryan had teased him about it, but they were crying too, and so it was all okay. Besides, there was no one else around to witness their unmanly breakdown.

He'd wanted to go right home, but both boys had stopped him. They told him that one person at a time would be best.

He wanted to start with Kate.

He waited, rocking back and forth on his heels, explaining things to the boys while they waited for her to arrive. He told about the terrorists, and the CIA saving him, and being held by them until he finally convinced them to let him go. In short, he told them everything.

He was really starting to hate spies.

The elevator dinged, and all three men turned as one, watching as she stepped onto the floor.

She stopped. She stared.

"Kate." He whispered. "Hi."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

She wasn't sure what she was expecting as she entered the silent precinct. She waited patiently for the elevator, and stood patiently inside while it climbed laboriously towards her floor. She supposed it was an unusual case, or something that had hit close to home – something to do with her mother's murder, perhaps?

Kate stepped out of the elevator, and raised her eyes from the floor to meet unexpected pair of blue eyes.

Her blood froze. Her lungs stopped moving. Her heart came to a screeching halt.

"Kate." He whispered. "Hi."

She didn't know how she ended up in his arms. She must have run, she supposed, but it was so quick she might have actually flown. All she knew was that suddenly, he was lifting her up so high that even her high-heeled boots left the ground, and she was kissing him, oh God she was kissing him, and his lips were moving against hers and he was warm and wet and tasted just like she remembered and he was alive.

He held her tightly, almost too tightly, and her hands were everywhere; on his chest, cupping his face, buried in his hair, clutching his collar. She kept kissing him in every place she could reach – his mouth, his nose, his cheeks, his neck, his jaw, everywhere. Tears were streaming down both their faces and their bodies were pressed as humanly close as possible, and she kept whispering his name, as if every time she spoke it, it made him more real.

Rick Castle Castle Castle Castle Rick Rick Rick I love you I love you I love you Rick oh Rick Castle you're here please God tell me you're here Rick I love you God I love you Castle…

He kept holding her, rocking his body slightly, enveloping her utterly.

"Always." He whispered hoarsely. "Always, Kate, always."

He didn't need to say anything else.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The drive back to the loft was difficult. They couldn't keep their hands off of each other. He put his hand on her knee, so she placed her hand over his. When she moved her hand to make a turn, he ran his fingers through her hair. At a stop light, they made out.

They nearly got rear-ended a couple of times.

When they finally made it back to the loft, Emilio the doorman nearly jumped out of his skin. He stared, and then hurried across the lobby to take Rick's hand, pumping it enthusiastically and telling him how good it was to see him. Rick smiled and patted the man on the back, happy to see him, but anxious to get up to his loft; to get home.

Once they were in the elevator, he turned to her, one arm still wrapped firmly around her waist, while the other smoothed her hair and stroked her cheek with his thumb. He wanted to stare at her forever, just gaze upon her face. It was a face he'd been certain he would never see again.

A tear or two fell from Kate's eyes. The expression of pure love on his face was overwhelming. Slowly, he leaned forward and kissed the tears glistening on her cheeks, tasting the salt and the bitterness along with the sweet taste of her skin.

The elevator dinged open, and Kate wrapped both of her arms around one of his, pulling him towards the front door. She was grinning now, just so infectiously happy to have him with her.

Kate inserted her key in the lock and opened the door. Joy, a warm, sweet buttery feeling, spread through Rick as he watched her enter his loft. The idea that it was her home now was the best news he could have received.

Martha had her back to the front door and was pouring out a glass of wine, while Alexis was doing a little happy dance while staring disbelievingly at a letter in her hand. Upon hearing the front door open, Martha began to speak, still not looking up.

"Kate, darling, you're just in time! I got home but I couldn't sleep so I went through all that mail we've been letting pile up and I found a letter to Alexis from Stanford. I woke her up immediately and…"

"I got into Stan-!" Alexis' happy exclamation froze in her throat as she stopped, mid-leap, staring at the man standing next to Kate.

"Daddy?" Her voice was high and tiny, like that of a little girl. She hadn't called him 'Daddy' since she was eight. "Daddy?" She asked again.

Martha turned. Her eyes widened and her wine glass went crashing to the floor.

"Yes, Pumpkin, it's me." Rick assured her, holding his arms open.

Alexis barreled into him, burying her face in this chest and sobbing. Martha hurried down towards them, her arms open.

"Richard, my darling boy, oh!" She cried, hugging him tightly. Rick held them both, the two redheads gripping him as tightly as humanly possible.

Kate stood back, smiling, watching the reunion. Alexis was crying almost uncontrollably. The girl hadn't cried that hard before, not even at the funeral. Alexis simply didn't lose control in front of others that way. But she was with the one person who knew her better than anyone else, the one person she had always been able to love and rely on, and now that empty space within her was filled so suddenly that it was overwhelming. Kate couldn't help but empathize.

"Richard, how on earth… you know what, it doesn't matter. Drinks!" Martha wiped her eyes, waving dramatically as she went to the kitchen to pour more wine (and clean up the shattered glass).

Alexis still didn't release Rick from her grasp. "You're thinner." She said, examining him. "And you're a little pale."

Kate started. She'd been so happy to have him back that she hadn't noticed anything different, but upon closer examination she saw that Little Castle was right. What had they done to him?

"Oh, I'm fine." Rick said, trying to wave it off. "You're just looking for an excuse to fuss over me."

Alexis grinned. "Maybe." She said, winking.

There was the sound of mumbled curses as Martha tried to clean up the mess on the kitchen floor. Alexis grimaced. "I should go help her." She said, releasing him reluctantly and hurrying to help her grandmother.

Rick turned to Kate. The look in his eyes was all she needed, and she stepped forward to wrap her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder.

"You must be exhausted." She murmured, breathing in his scent. He smelled like his shirts, but fresher, more alive. How she'd survived on just a stale ghost of him, she didn't know. She hoped she wouldn't ever have to know again.

The sound of a distinctive wail came over the baby monitor sitting on the kitchen counter. Kate's eyes widened and she detached herself from Rick hurriedly.

"That'll be Joanna. I'll be right back!" She called to the women in the kitchen before dashing upstairs.

Rick pivoted slowly, looking at a guilty Alexis and a beaming Martha.

"Joanna?" He asked, mostly with confusion but tinged with a bit of hope.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Kate paused at the top of the stairs.

This was it. This was the moment of truth. She'd risked waking her baby boy and cradled both a sleeping Alexander and a very wakeful (and very annoyed) Joanna, one in the crook of each arm.

He would love them. She knew he would love them. So why was she so nervous?

Taking a deep breath, Kate descended the stairs.

Rick's breath caught in his throat as she approached. A tiny boy lay in the crook of her right arm, his soft dark hair a match for hers, his eyes closed in sleep. In the crook of her left arm, her wide brown eyes absorbing everything around her, was a little girl. Her hair was a soft, dusky brown, and Rick suddenly had to swallow the lump in his throat. Her deep coffee eyes could only be Kate's.

She waited until she was standing right in front of him, and then she met his eyes and smiled. "Rick," She said softly, "I want you to meet your son, Alexander Richard Castle, and your daughter, Joanna Martha Castle."

Kate looked down at the babies. "Say hi to your Daddy, Joanna." She whispered.

The baby girl yawned, and then blinked at Rick. His throat tightened up.

"Hi." He said softly.

Joanna stared at him, and then turned back to Kate, grabbing at her shirt. Kate laughed.

"Here," She said. "You take Alexander."

She offered her arm, and gently Rick picked up the sleeping boy. Alexander yawned, opening his eyes for a moment. Rick stiffened. His eyes were the brightest, clearest blue. Then Alexander yawned again and closed his eyes, drifting back into slumber. Rick cradled him in his arms, his face lighting up with delight as he watched his sleeping son.

Kate had sat down on the couch and was nursing Joanna. She looked up and caught Rick's eye, smiling.

"Are they really…" He couldn't help but ask.

Kate nodded. "Just our luck, huh?" She said ruefully.

She meant it as a joke, but he decided to take it literally. He smiled down at Alexander, and then looked back at Kate. "Yeah." He said fervently. "Just our luck."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Rick, they're not going to start tap dancing or anything."

"Just one more minute." He couldn't tear his eyes away from the sleeping babies in their cribs; his babies.

Kate came up from behind and slipped her arms around him, resting her chin on his shoulder. "You're exhausted. Come to bed." She said softly.

He turned in her embrace, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her. Her lips were the sweetest thing he'd ever tasted. Going to bed with Kate sounded like his personal Heaven.

"All right then." He smiled.

She led him to his bedroom – their bedroom – holding his hand gently. She didn't bother to turn the lights on.

Rick surveyed the room. It was exactly as he had remembered, but with the addition of a few, tiny items. Kate's shirt on the floor by the bed, a bottle of sleeping pills on the night stand; tiny things, but sweet things. The feeling they gave him, of knowing that this was her home, was like warm chocolate in his mouth.

He allowed her to lead him towards the bed, with her walking backwards, pulling him along, one hand in each of hers. She held up a hand to stop him, and stepped back, her calves hitting the edge of the bed. Slowly, tantalizingly, she lifted up her top, dropping it on the floor.

Inch by inch, skin was revealed, leaving her bare before him, naked in every way. Kate stood there, her breathing unsteady no matter how she tried to control it. The look of pure hunger, the anguish and joy on his face, made her want to run to him. But she stayed still.

He approached her slowly, running his hands lightly over her skin, and her eyes fluttered closed. She sucked in a deep breath as his touch became firmer, his hands more purposeful. Then he backed away enough to allow himself the room the strip off his clothes as well.

Kate's throat tightened. He was thinner, and while it didn't affect how good his body looked, she knew it wasn't natural. It was like he'd been losing weight and dropped a couple pounds too many.

"You're more beautiful than I remembered." He whispered hoarsely. His voice seemed to have forgotten how to work properly.

A tear slid down her face. So much time lost. So much that could never be regained. The things he'd missed.

But then… oh, then he was kissing her, and she was in his arms, and their hands were running over each other's skin and it didn't matter what he'd missed out on, or that she'd spent however long mourning him in the darkness of her heart. What mattered, all that mattered was now and here, this moment. Everything else was just water under the bridge.

Touching, tasting, exploring, rediscovering things lost, but not forgotten. He didn't know how long it was until he laid her down on the bed; it felt like a few seconds stretched into an eternity. Nothing else existed but her – her creamy golden skin, her tangled brown snakes of hair, her small breasts that fit perfectly in his hand, her mile-long legs, her luscious mouth, her shining eyes, her whispered words…

They both cried. Hers ran down her face as she arched her back and his dripped onto her skin from his cheeks as he pumped into her. The bitterness, that sense of loss, hadn't entirely left them yet. But it would, slowly, and every time he moved within her, they could both feel it being driven out, replaced by sweetness. One kiss, one squeeze, one gesture of love at a time.

She came, again and again, her mouth open in a silent scream as his fingers and dick worked on her. He was determined to see that look on her face, to bring her the true ecstasy that had been evading her when she only had memories to work on. Sound escaped her, and she could only let him hold her as she rode out the storm, her body quivering with pleasure.

When they finally sated themselves, they lay on the bed, a tangle of limbs and sweat and tears.

Kate felt the familiar tug inside her; the need, the quest to know the answer. She searched his face, hoping it wasn't too much, too soon.

"What happened?" She asked.

Rick kissed her shoulder, thinking for a moment on just how to explain. "You remember how that murder led to the terrorist organization?"

She nodded. She remembered every detail of that case. It was burned into her memory whether she wanted it there or not.

"Well, you know it was only one branch of a larger organization, right? So when we went to the warehouse to flush them out, they kidnapped me to torture me, see how much we knew about the larger part of the organization. When the explosion hit, I was already gone."

Kate stayed silent, running her hands over his biceps absentmindedly.

"They would have killed me, but the CIA stepped in and rescued me. They faked my death for their benefit, to get them to stop looking for me."

He could read the question in her eyes. Even after over a year of separation, they were still in sync. "The CIA helped me because of my father."

"Sophia was telling the truth." Kate breathed. She supposed it made sense; when Sophia had told Rick that his father was high up in the CIA, she'd been about to kill him. She would have seen no reason to lie, and besides, like all good spies Sophia knew that the truth can be far more devastating.

Rick nodded, gently tucking some hair behind her ear. "They held me for however long it was. My father would come and talk to me, but I didn't really listen."

He paused, swallowing the angry bile rising in his throat. "I wanted to get back to you. I kept demanding that they let me go, asking why they couldn't just take me home."

"It's the CIA." Kate said softly. "They always have another agenda."

Rick snorted. "Yeah."

He leaned forward and kissed her, pulling her closer. She twisted so that they were spooning, her back pressed against his chest while his arms wrapped around her and his nose buried itself in her sweet hair.

"They finally let me go. They were going to drop me off at my apartment but I wanted to go to the precinct. I thought maybe you would be there, working late. When you weren't there I called the boys. Call me a coward, but I just… I just wanted to make sure some things were normal. I didn't know if the terrorists had gotten to you or something, but I needed to sort of, I don't know, step into the shallow end of the pool before diving into the deep end."

"Not your best analogy," Kate chuckled, "But I understand."

There was silence for a few moments, with only the sound of their steady breathing filling the room.

"When did you move in?" Rick finally asked.

"When we found out I was pregnant." Kate answered quietly. "Martha insisted, and Alexis was crying and getting no sleep so I was staying the night anyway. Then we found out I was pregnant and Martha just refused to hear 'no' from me."

"I'm glad." He whispered, smiling against her neck. "I'm sorry I wasn't there."

Kate knew, and she suddenly found she didn't care. "You're here now." She replied. "Everything else is just a minor setback."

He chuckled. "I'd say we've had a lot of those." He said, his voice making her shiver.

"But we're here now, right?" She asked, turning so that she could look into his eyes.

"A bomb, a terrorist organization, and the CIA couldn't keep me away from you." He whispered. "I'd say you're stuck with me."

"Good." She responded, straddling him. She leaned down and kissed him. "Good."

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"So Dad, tell me the real reason why we're going on this walk."

"A man can't enjoy a leisurely walk with the daughter he hasn't seen in a year?"

"Dad…" Alexis rolled her eyes. She stopped calling him 'Daddy' about a week after his return, and she'd stopped sticking to him like glue after the second day, but she was still prone to crying. Even now, annoyed with him, her vision swam. It just felt so good to be able to tease him and be teased in turn. She'd even called off all her other engagements (the phone calls for that had taken over an hour) in order to spend time with him. They'd gone bowling, played laser tag, caught a film, made cookies… it didn't make up for the lost time, but it eased the pain. It gave her sweet memories, new memories. With light shining on either side, it was hard to see the patch of dark.

Rick grinned and gave in. "Truth is I did have an ulterior motive when I asked you to walk with me."

"I knew it." She smiled.

"I was hoping…" He sighed. "Pumpkin, you know that nothing will ever change between us. I love you, and I'll always be there for you."

"You pretty much died and came back, Dad; I think we're safe in the knowledge that I'll never be able to get rid of you." Alexis teased, giving him a side hug.

"So if I ask Kate to marry me…" He trailed off.

Alexis stopped walking abruptly. "You mean you didn't ask her the minute you saw her?" She asked, indignantly shocked.

"No…"

She whacked him playfully. "Then what are you waiting for? Pick out a ring!"

At his sheepish look, she rolled her eyes. "You already have one, don't you?"

"It's in the secret drawer in my desk." He explained, grinning guiltily.

Alexis laughed. "Then what are we wasting our time walking here for?" She demanded.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Kate smiled as she watched Rick type, a sleeping Joanna curled in his lap. She walked up softly, not making a sound, and leaned against the desk, putting herself at the perfect angle to lean her head down and kiss him. Startled but pleased, he responded eagerly.

The flash of a camera startled them, and both looked up. Alexis stood there, Nikon in hand and Alexander sitting at her feet, gripping her ankle. She was grinning shamelessly.

"I knew that photography class was a bad idea." Kate groaned.

"Oh, hush. You two are sickeningly cute." Alexis proclaimed, picking Alexander up again and settling him against her hip. "My vacation ends in three days and I want some pictures to remember you by."

"Be sure to send them to me so I can post them on my website." Rick grinned.

"Not without my approval first." Kate warned. The day he'd posted a picture of a sleeping Kate, covered with sheets but obviously nothing else, had been a rehearsal for the Apocalypse.

Alexis winked and headed off to put Alexander down for his nap. Kate shifted her gaze back to Rick, smiling a little nervously at the look on his face.

"What?" She asked.

"Nothing." He said. "You just taste really sweet today."

"You want to know something?" She asked.

He nodded. She leaned in, putting her mouth right next to his ear.

"It's because I ate all of your sugar cookies." She whispered.

"What?"

Unable to do anything because of the sleeping girl in his lap, Rick could only watch as Kate dashed away from him, the cookie she'd been hiding behind her back now being waved tauntingly.

"God, woman, you'll be the death of me." Rick groaned.

Kate sauntered back over and fed him the cookie, a sexy smile teasing her lips.

"See what I mean?" He groaned.

The flash of the camera startled them once again.

"Alexis!" They shouted in tandem.

"What? It's sweet!"

And it was. Call it sappy and overly sentimental but it was. And while Kate would never, ever say that the dark year without him had been worth it, all that came after certainly made up for it. But then, Kate Becket was selfish. Now that she had him forever, she could afford to be gracious.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"I love you."

"That's the seventy-sixth time you've said that."

"So? Look who's counting!"

"So… I think you need to say it a few more times."

"I'll say it whenever you want me to."

"Okay then. Say it now."

"I love you. Always."

Phew! That was the longest one-shot (or chapter) I have ever written. Eighteen pages on Microsoft Word, ladies and gentlemen! I hope that wasn't too serious for you all! I slipped in two Firefly references – one obvious and one subtle. (Hint: What male name does 'Joanna' sound like?) Also, the reason I had Rick say "I love you" exactly seventy-six times is because, as of this posting, there have been seventy-six episodes of Castle. Can you believe it! Feels like yesterday we were meeting our beloved characters for the first time…

Oh, hey, I got the Kate-kissing-Castle-with-a-baby-on-his-lap from one of Tammy's amazing pictures. To view, put this link in your browser and remove the spaces: http:/ tammy coccinella . tumblr . com /post/15688171905/ok-first-of-all-stana-here-u-go-now-you-have

Reviews are my favorite drug (next to Castle and cinnamon rolls) so if you're in a charitable mood, I'd love to hear what you thought! I haven't written anything this full of angst in a long time, not since my first fanfic in fact, so I really hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading!