Story- Snowflakes

Rating-M

Credits-All characters belong to CBS no matter how much I'd love to take credit for them lol

Spoliers- seasons 7+8

"Oh hey! How are you?" Catherine notes the bags under the older man's eyes, and the way his clothes are loosely fitting him. Loss, and pain float in his stormy blue eyes, and nothing could possible hide the toll life has recently taken on Gil Grissom.

"Why!?" Anxiousness sudden shoots across Grissom's face he knows that if anyone can read his emotions it is his long time friend Catherine Willows. The fiery blonde has been one of his only true friends that have stuck by his side all these years, and she has her ways of getting under his skin, but it doesn't shield the care that she shows toward Grissom from his view. No matter how much it annoys him he knows she is only checking up on him out of concern.

"Can't I ask you how you're doing?" Her eyes are penetrating his shield in an all knowing way, and Grissom knows that there is no way around the truth.

"Oh I'm sorry I've just had a lot of uh… I've been busy." Catherine watches Gil squirm under her gaze, she knows how to get this stubborn man to talk, and she is determine to now. He needs a friend right now, and she is not going to leave him alone in the dark.

"Oh well…… maybe you should take a few days off, for once in your career. I mean you've got enough stored up. Go after her." Now shock flashes onto the older mans face, but quickly disappears.

"It's not what she wants."

"What do you want?"

"I want her to be happy." Catherine's eyes wander after Gil. His intentions are sweet, and heart warming, but are killing him in the process. More energy is drained from him as he tries to hide what is obvious instead of admitting that he is hurting. Catherine turns, and heads back to her office she is longing to retreat into the darkness where she can allow her thoughts to consume her. She shuts the door behind her, and pulls the shades a sign everyone knows means stay away. Sitting she stares at the ducks and smiles to herself as memories flow back into her head. She is still as perturbed as the first day they appeared there that even though she is Swing Shift Supervisor she cannot have her own office. Soon the ducks bring her back to a person, the same person that everything she looks at reminds her of. Catherine has always had a lousy choice in men, but they have been the type she could use her sexuality against, or on depending on the moment. Only one person has ever challenged Catherine, and her methods of dealing with men, that person is also the only person that she has ever loved that has pushed her to be her best, and challenged her actions and authority, Sara Sidle. Now the lanky brunette is gone; she had, had enough, and last week she walked out and left for good. No one knows where she has gone, Catherine has tried her hardest to track the younger woman, but she is one of the best CSI's in the country, and if she doesn't want to be found she won't be. Sara has the power to fall of the face of the Earth, and she has used it to start a new life for herself. Maybe one day she will reappear, but not now. The last to hear from her was the moving company who took her things to the airport, but that's where her paper trail seems to end.

Catherine used to watch with envy as Grissom intimately touched Sara, for he is the only one she has ever truly loved. Catherine used to think Grissom a fool, as he completely ignored what an amazing thing he had going for him if he just took the chance. Yet anger mixed with that envy, as she watched Grissom push Sara away then pull her back, and push her away again. He never seemed to notice her patiently waiting, heart broken, but waiting all the same for him to come to his senses. Sara never had a reason to suspect Catherine's true feelings and had she known them would she have acted on that knowledge Catherine can only wonder silently to herself. She remembers the first time she ever saw the new girl that came in to split up the team. She walked in with a lost look on her face asking for Catherine Willows; her dark brown orbs held only care, and were yet to be tinted by years on the job, and years chasing Grissom. Catherine remembers how right away she had started off treating the woman horrible. At first she was jealous of the young woman standing in front of her who could easily take her place after all she had worked for. Then she was subjected to Sara's adorable gap tooth smile, and was floored by her beauty, and intrigued by Sara's knowledge, and by her own feelings that now flooded her. This didn't stop Catherine from almost always being cold, and distant with the other woman over the years, and the more she wanted to be with Sara the bitchier she would become. Catherine picked fights with Sara, and as a result Sara would pick fights with her, but deep inside Catherine has always felt protective of Sara, and at the same time attracted to her. When these two finally fused she had an intense love for the woman, but when Catherine realized her to feelings she rejected them, and pushed them as far into herself as she could. She made Sara's life as miserable as possible with comments and actions that could cut like knife, and Catherine has no doubt that at times they did. Catherine has been disgusted with herself ever since Sara left. She knows she was one of the biggest contributors to the factors that caused Sara to burn out, and start to self destruct so much that she had to leave Vegas completely behind.

Constantly Sara's face floats into Catherine's mind throwing her off track, and back into a state of depression. Everything around her becomes so dark, and rejecting that Catherine can't function. She rids herself of all of her feeling except those that keep her close to the demons that live inside her. People don't seem to mean anything to her any more, and she pulls away from them for they waste her time, and can't comprehend the pain she is suffering. At the same time she can barely recognize them, and is afraid she is mistaken for the ones that she loves do not have the darkness in them that she sees. All she wants is Sara, and she can see her face so vividly that she pulls the brunette to her, but she never comes any closer so Catherine pushes her away, as she is lost in fits of tears that are never ending. She spends nights with waterfalls of tears pouring down her face, while the world around her disappears all, but the images of Sara's face as Catherine wrestles with herself. Abruptly Catherine is ripped out of her depression by anger, which drives her closer to the edge. She is blinded by the red fury toward herself as her own words repeat in nonstop strands through her head. People shrink away from her in these times afraid to be the target of all the rage that boils beneath Catherine's skin. It is itching to be released, and craves the fears, and tears of others; Sara's face is busy fueling the fire that has exploded in Catherine's soul. Catherine then usually collapses in exhaustion, engulfed by a blinding white, after days on end of raw emotion. Yet the white is not a calmness, or love, but pure numbness. Life does not mean anything to Catherine, but she does not feel hopelessness she dose not feel anything. It's a numbness that brings her burning tears for no reason other than to torture her. Catherine is only brought reassurance that she is still alive, and human when Sara's face again appears leading her back into reality, back to her work, her friends, and her daughter, until her emotions feel the need to strike again.

Catherine takes deep breaths trying to pull herself out of her fog enveloped thoughts, for the fear of giving into her emotions again.

Her office door flies open, and slams against the wall beside it. Catherine rushes to wipe the tears from her face, as Ecklie strolls into the room with a grim looks plastered across his face. "Catherine I have a new case for Swing. It looks like it could be another in a chain of stalker rapist murders that we have been dealing with. So far there have been four others with the same MO in Vegas, and we have yet to run any of the evidence through a national database, and that will be a job for the CSI assigned. Now the reason I am telling you this personally is no offense to any of your team, but I am hoping you can handle the case, because we need one of Vegas' finest to nail this guy."

Catherine sighs thinking about all of the time she is already missing with her daughter. "Yeah sure Ecklie I can do it. It's not like I have a life, or a family, or anything."

Ignoring the blonde's last comment he replies, "Good." He tosses the files on her desk, and retreats from the room. –

"Hey Cat wait up!" Catherine winces at the nickname; for some reason she has only allowed Sara to call her that, and it brings back memories she does not wish to relive at the moment. Catherine turns to face Greg.

"Greg, Greg, Greg how many times have I told you not to call me that. Now depending on what you have to tell me I might let it slide."

"Well I ran the MO through the database like you told me to and received five hits from Connecticut."

"Okay thanks Greg it looks like I will be visiting Connecticut; I hope the weather is not too bad." Catherine quickly stops in front of Greg, and he would have tripped over her if she had not already been halfway down the hall on the way to her office.

Catherine calls the lab in Connecticut that is closest to were the crimes occurred to give them a heads up about her arrival, and is informed not only that they should have someone ready to prep her on the cases there, and take her to the most recent crime scene, but to dress warm because it is snowing. Grumbling Catherine then makes her way to Grissom's office to inform him that she will be gone for a while, and to see if he could pick her up from the airport.

Catherine is driving home frustrated after an argument with he mother who will be watching Linzz while she is away. Her mother always gets on her case about how little time she spends with her daughter, and it drives Catherine even more insane then it would had her mother been around a little more herself as Catherine was growing up.

Catherine reaches the airport and gets to the right gate just as they are having their last call for passengers, and boards the plan realizing she should probably review the case files before she reaches her destination.

TBC………..