Disclaimer: I do not own any of the X-men, they belong to Marvel. I do, however own Shane. Since I use the X-men, you guys can use Shane, although it'll be pretty hard to do.
A response to gambit_is_mine_dammit's challenge…
The challenge is to write a fic with the following criteria:
-At least 2 x-men get drunk
-someone touches rogue
-someone complains about someone's odor
-someone dies
-someone uses a narcotic drug (I.E. crack, heroin, marijuana…)
-solve world hunger somehow(no mary-sue's)
-and it must be damn funny.
Shane's short career as a thief
Professor: Mwahahahahah! I have finally completed my formula to solve world hunger! My other dream is taking far too long… Look at what I have accomplished already.
Storm: I have some bad news professor…
Professor: Where is he?
Storm: He's been locked up.
Professor: Take me to him then.
(In a dark room a man struggles to be let free)
Storm: So, are you going to tell us where you hid the ice-cream?
Gambit: Non! Gambit will never tell you!
Beast: We have ways of making you talk…
(Cyclops walks in)
Beast: As you can see, Cyclops has been training hard in the danger room for almost 3 hours now. Incredible… Well, he is rather smelly, and we thought we could put it to an advantage…
Gambit: You'll never make Gambit talk mon ami!
Beast: We shall see friend…
(Cyclops is held near Gambit)
Gambit: NON! Mon dieu! Cyclops, you smell like de foulest creature to ever crawl out of de mud…
Cyclops: I didn't ask for this!
Elsewhere in the mansion…
Rogue: Ah keep hearing these bloodcurdling screams!
Jean: That's just Gambit being tortured.
Rogue: WHAT! Why?
Jean: He stole some ice-cream and hid it somewhere. He won't tell us, and we can't break his shields. We have had to resort to lower and stinkier, heh heh… methods.
Rogue: Whut do ya mean?
Jean: He's been made to smell Cyclops… So degrading.
Rogue: Ah don't care as long as it wasn't MAH ice-cream he stole!
Jean: What would you do? Tear him limb from limb?
Rogue: Not like that. Something simple…
(Back to the torture chamber)
Storm: So Gambit, have you had enough?
Gambit: You can never make Gambit tell you chere…
Rogue: GAMBIT! Ya stole MAH ice-cream! Tell me where it is or Ah'm leaving ya!
Gambit: It's in a fridge behind a wooden panel in de second corridor…
Storm: I am impressed…
Rogue: Ya jus' gotta know th' right words sugah!
It is evening. The X-men are sitting down in a living room *they must have one of those, right?*
Wolverine: Hey… I smell something weird.
Cyclops: Uh… I have to talk to you about something in the corridor.
Rogue: Gawd. How much more obvious can ya get?
Cyclops: Not much. So Wolverine, would you come this way please?
Wolverine: Okay bub. No funny stuff…
(Outside in a corridor)
Wolverine: So?
Cyclops: This is kind of embarrassing… Recently, I have been taking marijuana.
Wolverine: WHAT! The almighty leader smokes POT???
Cyclops: SHHHH! I don't want Jean to know!
Jean: [Hello, I'm a telepath!]
Cyclops: Okay, so I don't want anyone else to know… You can think of the taunting!
Jean: [You deserve it honey!]
Cyclops: [Would you please get out of my mind?]
Jean: [That's no way to talk to me!!!]
Wolverine: Don't worry Slim. I'll keep your secret, but only because I'm going to have some fun…
Cyclops: What kind of fun?
Wolverine: Well, you can get me some beers.
Cyclops: Fine.
Wolverine: Plus, you must now call me Logan The Invincible.
Cyclops: Yes Logan The Invincible.
(Two hours later, Wolverine and Jubilee are drunk outside)
Wolverine: Darlin' I love it all.
Jubilee: I love the world!
Wolverine: Know what else I likes?
Jubilee: What's that?
Wolverine: I likes you!
Jubilee: That's nice. I like Gambit.
Wolverine: What about me?
Jubilee: Your breath smells crap.
Wolverine: So does his! So does yours!
Jubilee: Take that back!
Wolverine: Never! Logan The Invincible never takes ANYTHING back!
Jubilee: Then goodbye Logan The Invincible!
(Jubilee gets up, and vomits behind some bushes)
Jean: Tsk. Two of the X-men drunk, how pitiful.
Shane: Yeah. I can't believe you guys are that stupid.
Jean: Huh? Who are you?
Shane: Shane's the name, and I'm a thief.
Jean: Thieves aren't tolerated here. Wait, that's not actually true… You're not tolerated here because I don't know you.
Shane: I don't care. How about I kill you?
Beast: I don't think that's such a good idea…
(Beast lunges at Shane and misses. Shane runs down the corridor and into the labs)
Cyclops: Hey! Stop!
Shane: I don't think so. I'm in a hurry with this formula!
Cyclops: If you won't stop, I'll just have to make you.
(Cyclops shoots Shane but misses)
Rogue: Don't worry sugah! Ah got him!
(Rogue tackles Shane and gets him, but they touched, so now he's unconscious)
Rogue: Finally! Mah power was useful!
Storm: It always was.
Cyclops: No it wasn't!
Storm: Well I don't think much of your stupid eye beam Scotty boy!
Cyclops: Scotty boy!
Storm: Yes, you got a problem with that?
(Storm and Cyclops start to beat each other up)
Rogue: C'mon guys! Stop arguing! We got th' fella an' that's all that matters!
Shane: Huh? God, I feel awful…
Rogue: Yah should do! That was very naughty!
Shane: Excuse me, but you're not my mother you know…
Cyclops: We caught you, so we get to say anything we want.
Rogue: So, why have ya stolen th' Professor's formula?
Shane: It was a dare.
Rogue: By who?
Shane: One of my friends!
Cyclops: Who do you work for? Sinister or somebody evil?
Shane: Huh? No. A guy called Felix dared me to!
Cyclops: [Jean, is he telling the truth?]
Jean: [Let me get there first Scott! You're so impatient!]
Cyclops: [Hurry up!]
(Jean comes running in)
Rogue: So, Mr ?
Shane: Mr Shane. That's it.
Jean: Whatever. Yes, you're telling the truth. He has never met any of our old enemies.
Cyclops: Damn! We have a new enemy! That's just terrific!!!
Rogue: So we have another enemy… He probably isn't very powerful if all he could throw at us was this idiot.
Shane: I told you! It was a dare! He's not out to kill you or anything!
Cyclops: I don't care about that anymore! Where's the formula?
Shane: I won't tell you…
Beast: You know, we could try the method we used on Gambit…
Jean: [Professor, we've caught the guy, tell everyone to meet us in the torture room]
Professor X: [Yes, that method would be very fitting wouldn't it]
(Ten minutes later, everyone is in the torture room including Wolverine and Jubilee who managed to find their way there eventually)
Wolverine: Ugh… What's going on?
Storm: This man tried to steal the professor's formula for solving world hunger. He won't tell us where it is, so we're going to use the method we used on Gambit.
Gambit: Aw… Gambit pity you homme.
Shane: Please! I don't deserve this!
Gambit: Gambit could take it, maybe you can…
Shane: But you're all mutants! You can withstand stuff so much easier!
Cyclops: Shut up.
Storm: No one's been working out though, what smell are we going to use?
Jubilee: How about Logan The Invincible's breath?
Beast: That is quite a good idea actually…
Rogue: Let's try!
(Wolverine is held up to Shane)
Shane: Oh GOD!!!!!
(Screams are heard into the night and into the wee early hours of the morning)
Gambit: De homme ain't screaming any more…
Professor X: Oh dear. Wolverine's breath was too strong. We have killed Shane.
Jubilee: Hey look! I found your formula Professor!
Professor X: Well, that's all that matters. Just be so good to dump the body in a trench or something Rogue.
Rogue: Sure thing.
*FIN*
Oh dear, maybe I was a tad too violent… Plus, it more meets a criteria of stupid and chaotic than funny. Ah well…