If you haven't seen the final episode of Orphan Black Season 3 – don't go any further. I am not responsible for the spoilers ahead, blame BBC America.
If you want – I would recommend listening to 'Adagio for Strings' by Samuel Barber while reading this.
Hands shaking, I reached into my other blazer pocket and fumbled for her name. It briefly flashed across my screen as I scrolled and swiped in haste – that simple name: Cosima. I didn't put her last name; it did not seem right to add something else that wasn't my own.
Memories from another lifetime, or premonitions, whatever people called it flashed through my brain again and again: her lying in bed, surrounded by those red sheets that twisted furiously then languished under my touch as I grazed my hand upon them. Her standing before me with a bottle of wine, her lips deliciously stained red as I leaned forward to mix our two tastes. Her holding a little, tiny, hand as they strolled together in a park – leaves surrounding them in soft dapples of life as I walked to grasp that little body and hoist it into the air giggling, while my love laughed. I imagined lazy Sundays following avid Saturday nights that were filled with sex and laughter and hope and life and promise. I could see her eyes glance at me with warm and a flicker of her smile echo across her face as she leaned over to me and studied me with interest, as though I were some painting or riddle she was attempting to solve.
I cleared my throat and pressed the green call button, it rang a few times before someone breathlessly picked up the other line. I began to speak but I was cut off in her haze of excitement.
"Hey Delphine! Look, I know we need to talk but you should come over."
"Cosima –" I started, not knowing where this conversation was going. Hours before she had banished me, perhaps she was drinking again.
"Delphine," I could hear her voice tremble slightly before it was overcome by her natural swagger and confidence, "You helped all of us, and you should be here celebrating. For God's sake! Even Helena baked this weird cakey thing that apparently only Ukrainians eat and I can't suffer through alone,"
She laughed and I could feel the weight off of my chest lift slightly at the sound of her voice echoing across. She was being blatantly, if almost forcibly happy. I could imagine her eyes sparkling as she talked too quickly for her hands to keep up. I sighed, "Okay, I will be over"
A sigh of relief filtered through my phone, "Okay, awesome. Text me when you're here and I'll come out"
I nodded and hung up the phone, releasing a breath I didn't know I was holding. It came out as a sob. I tried to contain my breathing, but I couldn't – she was so happy, I couldn't, I cannot tell her. I have to go to her, but then I must leave. For her sake. I smiled bitterly, "for her sake," I mumbled out loud. For her sake I am going to get myself killed. Guilt immediately racked my chest, how could I possibly feel that towards the woman I love? It was my choice, and my choice alone. I cannot fault her for what I did and what I must do, no. Ignorance is bliss, ignorance is what made us, and ignorance will break us. At least it'll only break me.
I pulled my car into gear and slowly glided outside of the lot, my mind hardly paying attention to the road ahead of me. Instead my mind drifted deeper, farther, or even further away from me that I had ever experienced before. It wasn't existential, nothing as cliché, but those dreams that had just flittered through my mind made their way across my vision again, but they weren't of my involvement. They were of another blonde's – Shay. That sweet girl I had hated and tormented for the sake of my love for Cosima and my fear, my fear that I would lose control of not only DYAD but of Cosima's love. Something that I had perhaps taken for granted as maybe, possibly she would have been better off without my stumbling pronouncement of bisexuality those years ago. Perhaps if I hadn't given into temptation and stayed the course things would be much different. But I knew, in my heart of hearts, I couldn't have not given in, I couldn't have not succumbed to my desire and then love.
In my 'vision' I saw her sparkling eyes once more as she almost skipped beside the other petite blonde. Her left hand outstretched she took the small blonde's and squeezed lightly, like she did to mine all that long ago, and gave a trademark smirk. The blonde answered in kind with a breathless smile full of honesty. Honesty, the plague that haunted us; here was light. My throat clenched and I struggled for breath for a moment. Sickness tightened my chest as my mind's eye watched them pass by me without a second glance. I reached out for Cosima but couldn't even brush my fingertips with hers – yet still she was happy, without even knowing me. My breath caught again. Cosima was happy and alive and breathing the air like nothing had occurred to cause such a doubt.
Another scene fluttered across like pixels from some forgotten photo, reforming to shape another image that was brighter and more beautiful than the last – it was Cosima and I. She was lying beside me stroking my arm when she looked up to get my attention. Her stunning face caught mine and she said something I couldn't make out, the picture was getting out of focus. But a feeling of peace overcame me because she raised herself up onto her knees and leaned in to kiss me, our lips almost brushing. She looked at me with adoration, with love.
Before I knew it I was outside the soap shop. My dazed mind pulled back to the present by the shift of my handbrake putting the car at a firm standstill. I reached over again and texted her – I AM HERE." I debated putting an 'x' after like the old times, but I couldn't bring myself to as those times were over, washed back into the ocean of memories only we could access. None of Sarah's bullshit, none of DYADs interference, only those few un-pixelated moments that hung like suspended clouds, hiding something precious; hiding the sun, our sun.
COMING, came the sudden reply.
I steeled myself, and pushed open the door and walked out into the crisp night. A quiet night really, and on all other occasions perhaps a lovely one – wait, I just saw her, her red coat and small beanie – it is a lovely night.
She strolled over to me, her small frame bunched up due to the cold and I bit my lip to stop myself from touching her. I knew if I touched her I would break and this cool façade I had built up over months of agony would have been for nothing and ignorance would be lost. Cosima's brief bliss would be lost. Her nose was a little red and it made me smirk because despite all this, she was so cute.
She was tying her coat around her waist, "Hey you came"
And just like that. I fell more in love with her than before. Her casual smile said it all.
"Yeah" I nodded, glancing around as I tried to avoid eye contact and tried desperately to keep it together. I shifted my feet as I lengthened my response, "Unfortunately, I,I,I can't stay" I tried to smile at the end of my response but it didn't reach my eyes and I know it didn't. I couldn't do it.
"Oh," Her voice shifted to disappointment as she looked up at me, "Not even just for a little bit?"
I glanced again at her: I risked it. Her mouth was curved upwards in a hopeful smile but her smile too, didn't reach her eyes. She knew what I was going to say and the uncomfortable atmosphere stretched further into our bones. It seeped like some virus. I tried to shake it off.
"No, I'm sorry –" My mouth was about to open again to tumble out that this was it, this was the last time I would see her, this could be the last time so why are we talking? Why aren't we explaining with our bodies how much we love each other? My body craved Cosmia. My body needed her; my soul needs to be fed one last time before I step into god knows what comes after this.
But I know, I can't. I know Cosima, she would protest and try and protect me and get herself hurt and I couldn't let that happen after all of this. I didn't do this for her to be hurt. So I stumbled over what I know would keep my voice steady,
"I need you to keep the genome sequence safe, and Kendall Malone far away." I said it without blinking, I couldn't stop staring at her, I couldn't help but absorb everything about her.
"Yeah, I think, um, Mrs. S is really good at that stuff so…" She nodded at me, not breaking eye contact either, her eyes pouring into me, "…so she's got a plan." Cosima rocked back onto her heels ever so slightly, her unease shifting again.
"Okay," I sighed in relief, looking downwards at the pavement. Well, at least our last words were civil, and she listened to me. At least. I choked back another shaky breath and looked up at her to give a half smile in goodbye but she stopped me,
"I know why you did everything that you did," Cosmia spoke.
My heart stopped. This can't be happening. Then my heart started to flutter ferociously like it had never done before as I stared at her with some semblance of hope. Her eyes searched mine openly as her mask began to fall. She was hurt, but she was open, for the first time in weeks she was truly open with me. My heart ached again as I could see flickers of love.
"To Shay, everything." Her eyes searched mine again, "I'm sorry I made you make those hard choices and then," she stuttered in shame as she lowered her voice, breaking eye contact, "and then blame you for them."
I let a soft shaky breath out, she understood, she forgave me. My heart cracked, as I couldn't contain my emotions. It hadn't been for nothing. Tears tried to overwhelm my eyes as I reached out with a gloved hand to stroke her beautiful, beautiful face. My skin tingled at the touch of her cheek through my glove.
She continued to look up at me, her mouth slightly parted as I saw her silently beg for what forgiveness she wanted me to give. I kept staring at her and a smile threatened to take over my face. I knew I had to resist, but I couldn't I had to.
"Oh baby I –" escaped my lips so softly before I plunged back into the torment I once longed to escape from. The torment of her lips.
I gently pulled her towards me with both hands as I surrounded her frame with mine. My lips enveloped hers as I sought to leave a piece of me with her. It wasn't passionate, like some other kisses, it was love. It was the purest form of forgiveness and acceptance I could give her. I gave her my soul willingly. I could feel it stir and move through my chest, up towards her lips and mine. I could feel it leave me. I could feel it leave and I felt such an ache I couldn't hold my breath anymore. I had given her all of me and there was nothing left to give. I pulled back every so softly from her warm lips and looked at her once more.
"Give your sisters all my love," I breathed gently. But really, I could tell she knew what I meant. I was giving her all my love. I was giving Cosima all my love and therefore part of it to her sisters. But really, I was hers, and hers alone. She stepped forwards as if to embrace me again but I had already moved past her and to my car. She blinked, but didn't say anything as I shifted into drive and drove onwards. Perhaps the poignancy of this visit wasn't lost to her. Sobs racked my body as I drove onwards to DYAD, onwards to my fate. I could still feel the sting of her lips against mine.
"I will never leave you," I whispered to myself.
I will wait for the end, Cosima. I will wait for those final seconds for my body to revel once again in your kiss against mine. I will wait for the sinking of my final breath to be lost in the atmosphere, I will wait for you, and I will wait for you until the end of time.
Please review! I hope I did the scene justice. My heart broke when I watched this.