Disconnected, a frozen fanfic

(uploaded — 9.28.14) :: [(alternate title: how to procrastinate studying for the bio sat) part 1 in my attempt to get Fruipit to write for (*coughcoughelsannacoughcough*) frozen. (do it do it do it) and omg i think half my brain cells died while i wrote this it's rly rly stupid. failed humor alert ahead. idk elsa's just rly oblivious to everything and anna fangirls a lot. this was inspired by a tumblr post, in case you were wondering.]

I don't own Frozen or Harry Potter (or Sherlock, or Avatar, or any other fandoms referenced in here). You can also find this on AO3.

Disconnected

"oh my gosh elsa have you like ever just looked at your hands?!"

"...er, come again?"

anna's hands were flapping through the air, "HAVE YOU EVER JUST LOOKED AT YOUR HANDS ELSA OH MY GOSH YOUR KNUCKLES ARE LIKE PERFECTION —"

elsa snatched said hand away from the redhead's flailing arms, "...i think that you need to go and see madam pomfrey."

very alarming issues befalling the noble school of hogwarts, no. 1 :: an utter lack of the magic that is wi-fi

It was a sunny day in the middle of September, really only a few weeks into the first term, when Anna decided that Kristoff had to be about one of the dumbest human beings she had ever had the misfortune to encounter.

"How could you have never heard of Wi-Fi before?!"

With scrambled eggs spilling out of the prongs of her fork and her face (which was bearing the most striking resemblance to an overripe tomato) screwed up into a pout, Anna indignantly jabbed her breakfast-covered utensil into her fellow Gryffindor's face to punctuate her remark and promptly dropped a pile of steaming yellow mush onto the blond's robes.

"Ouch!" Kristoff let out a yelp and leaped up from his seat, frantically batting the steaming eggs off his lap. "Be careful, okay? Those are hot, Anna!"

"Not. The. Point!" Anna waved her fork in Kristoff's general direction a few more times and sent vestiges of yolk flying everywhere. "I mean, aren't you a half-blood?"

"...I don't see how that has to do with anything," Kristoff tentatively said after a long pause.

Anna rolled her eyes and viciously stabbed her fork into her eggs once more, "Wi-Fi is like the most glorious invention in the history of Muggle inventions."

"Oh, so really boring."

"Excuse me mister Wi-Fi is not boring. Wi-Fi is perfect and Wi-Fi is love and Wi-Fi is life."

"..."

When Kristoff didn't speak, Anna cooled down a little and said, "It allows you to access the Internet and everything, and I find it a disgrace that there's no Wi-Fi at Hogwarts! I mean, how else am I supposed to live?!"

"..."

"Ah...what are we talking about, now?"

"Elsa!" Anna immediately turned into her Ravenclaw friend and sent another forkful of eggs flying into Kristoff's face ("Anna!"). "Thank Merlin you're here! Help me and tell Kristoff how amazing Wi-Fi is."

"If I was a half-blood and didn't know what Wi-Fi was," huffed Kristoff from somewhere in the background, "what makes you think that a pureblood would know?"

"Shhh!" Anna flapped a hand at him.

Kristoff's mouth flapped open.

Elsa, for her part, looked supremely disgusted at the bit of potato falling out of the corner of Kristoff's mouth, then faintly alarmed and slightly concerned for the redhead's mental sanity, "'Wi-Fi'?" A long pause, "Erm, is this a new brand of...shampoo?"

Anna's fork dropped onto the plate and consequently flipped it over, where it dropped with a resounding clang onto the floor. The whole Gryffindor table went quiet for all of two seconds, blinking in confusion at the scene, before the chatter steamrolled on once more. Bits of sausage and bacon and more eggs went flying everywhere, but Anna didn't seem too concerned about any collateral damage the burning food may have caused.

Elsa's eyes widened comically at the outraged expression slapped across Anna's face. Kristoff tried and failed to suppress a snort.

...

An owl screamed in the background. Knives clinked on plates and Anna stared.

Elsa winced, interlaced her fingers, and braced herself for the impending explosion.

Which conveniently came about two seconds thereafter:

"OH MY GOSH ELSA I THOUGHT YOU WERE SMART WI-FI DOESN'T EVEN SOUND LIKE IT WOULD BE A SHAMPOO!"

Elsa blinked and said, "I am fairly sure that there was an insult hidden somewhere in there."

"DON'T YOU EVEN TAKE MUGGLE STUDIES WHAT KIND OF HEAD GIRL ARE YOU OH MY GOSH ELSA WE NEED TO FIX THIS LIKE RIGHT NOW —"

Kristoff spent all of five minutes laughing after Anna leaped up and dragged Elsa off, presumably to the library to teach the Ravenclaw of the apparent wonders of Wi-Fi before sobering up.

"Huh...I wonder what that 'Internet' she mentioned is..."

very alarming issues befalling the noble school of hogwarts, no. 2 :: benedict cumberbatch is nowhere to be found

"So what you are telling me is," Elsa said hesitantly, "Muggles use electronic devices known as 'smartphones' and 'laptops' to access the 'Internet,' which is a...magical invention that allows users to browse the, um, Internet...wait, that doesn't even make any sense."

Anna didn't get it. "Sure it does! You access the Internet to go on the Internet and websites and stuff. And Wi-Fi is the connection that allows you to go on the Internet and since the Internet is imperative to life as man knows it, Wi-Fi is really important too. And Hogwarts doesn't have it."

"...Most of these new Muggle inventions do not work at Hogwarts in general."

"Well, they should change that!" Anna slammed a fist into her palm. "Oooh man, when I become headmistress of Hogwarts, there's gonna be Wi-Fi and Sherlock's gonna be made available because everyone should be exposed to the beauty that is Benedict Cumberbatch..."

She paused for a moment.

"Benedict...Cumberbatch..."

Elsa waited.

...

"OH MY GOD ELSA!"

Anna was suddenly shrieking and grabbing Elsa by the arms, shaking the poor Head Girl rather violently. "SEASON THREE SHERLOCK'S COMING OUT THIS JANUARY HOOOO MY GOD NO I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS I CAN'T WATCH IT UNTIL JUNE ELSA THAT'S LIKE FOREVER THIS IS NOT OKAY LIKE DUMBLEDORE NEEDS TO ENABLE WI-FI IN THIS SCHOOL RIGHT THIS INSTANT OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I NEED LIKE LIVE STREAMING OR SOMETHING —"

Madam Hooch chose that moment to swoop down upon them, screech even louder than Anna had been for "disrupting the peace of the library" for all of two seconds, and throw them out of said library.

Elsa, meanwhile, dazedly pictured Anna becoming the headmistress of Hogwarts and a part of her brain broke.

"So," she said quietly after Anna sucked in a breath, presumably to continue her rant, "Exactly what do you mean when you say 'Oh my god, Season Three Sherlock'?"

It was not the right question to ask.

Hogwarts had never seen a larger verbal explosion in any of its corridors to date.

very alarming issues befalling the noble school of hogwarts, no. 3 :: well it isn't really an issue it's a virtue ("I AM THE MASTER OF ALL FOUR ELEMENTS")

"We learned the Fire-Making charm today in Charms," Anna solemnly announced one day at lunch.

Elsa smiled vaguely, engrossed in her reading about seventeenth century goblin rebellions somewhere in Scotland. "That's wonderful, Anna."

"Therefore, I've become a firebender."

Elsa, clearly not having learned the lesson to not ask Anna about whatever Muggle tangent of a show or Wi-Fi or TV series she went off on for the day, asked absently, "Oh? What's a firebender?"

"Avatar!" Anna ejaculated in excitement, waving her arms around like a maniac. Elsa barely glanced up from her History of Magic textbook, which was sitting heavily on her lap as she took quick, neat notes on the parchment sitting on Gryffindor's dining table. "It's from Avatar! A firebender can, like, bend fire! And now I can control fire and everything!"

As if to prove her point, she whipped out her wand. A couple of pink sparks were pathetically spat out from its end, but no flames appeared.

"...Well, I did it an hour ago!"

"'Avatar'?" Elsa asked slowly, not sure if she had heard correctly. "As in a manifestation of a deity or released soul in bodily form on earth?"

"No!" Anna grinned widely, turning on Elsa with enthusiasm clear in her gaze. "As in the best cartoon in existence on earth and it's amazing and perfection and oh gosh Toph."

Elsa wasn't sure what to say in response to that, so she settled with, "What's a Toph?"

"Nononono you've got it all wrong! Toph, as in who, not what, and she's like my spirit animal!"

Elsa did look up from her notes this time, eyebrows forming a thin unibrow over her eyes.

"But...didn't you just say that this Toph is a who and a person and not an animal?"

"Yeah, and?"

"And...Toph is your spirit animal."

"Yeah, and?"

"And...Toph is a human being...cartoon character, whatever that is."

"Yeah, and?"

Anna smiled innocently at the blonde, who had long since abandoned her History of Magic notes.

"..."

"D'you get it now?"

"...Sure."

(Elsa was so confused.)

very alarming issues befalling the noble school of hogwarts, no. 4 :: groot groot groot groot groot

"Psst, Elsa!"

"...Yes?"

"Guess what."

"What?"

"I am Groot."

Elsa nodded, wisely decided to keep her mouth shut this time, and turned her attention back to her peas.

very alarming issues befalling the noble school of hogwarts, no. 5 :: why in the world does everyone use quills when you can use a pen instead

Click, click.

"What are you doing?" Elsa muttered out of the corner of her mouth to Anna in Potions class, her eyes trained onto a lecturing Professor Snape even as the redhead, with a curiously blank expression on her face, was preoccupied with something she'd hidden underneath the desk.

Anna, for her part, did not seem to notice Elsa's sharp inquiry. Rather, her eyes became even more glassy and the sound of clicking grew louder and increased in speed.

Clickclickclickclick.

Elsa resisted the urge to palm her forehead when Snape stopped in the center of the room, his black eyes flashing dangerously in the gloom.

"What is that infernal clicking noise?!"

Anna sat bolt upright.

"OH MY GOSH!" she ejaculated, grinning widely up at Snape.

The Potions master, for once in his life, appeared to have been knocked speechless. Elsa's eyes widened as Anna sprang up from her chair.

"IT'S JUST LIKE POTTER PUPPET PALS!"

And thus, to the shock and horror of the entire Wizarding World, Anna stuck out the pen she had been holding and began clicking madly away, and Elsa did indeed bury her head in her palms this time.

Clickclickclickclickclickclickclickclick.

God rest her soul.

yeah it kinda spiraled down into even shittier nonsense by the time three thirty a.m. rolled around -_-

so frui have i convinced you yet *wink wink* but haha srsly anna would be the best fangirl. shoutout to all you sherlock fans out there bc i know there are a load of you haha. leave a review or fav for taylor swift and her failed attempt at rapping.

all the best.